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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my husband has ruined christmas

199 replies

Muminneedofadvice23 · 24/12/2023 08:28

my husband left 2 days ago we have 3 kids and he has just left no contact his phones off and im heartbroken i genuinly cant pull myself out of this cant stop crying. i have no family or support i literally dont know what to do

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 24/12/2023 08:51

💐 stay strong. Just baton down the hatches and have a cosy time with the kids. Only do what really needs doing; like feeding them and keeping them safe.
Divorce in the new year.

Lovelyjubbbly · 24/12/2023 08:51

I think possibly he’s maybe went out drinking on a bender if you say he’s with his brother? And been drinking all weekend especially if he used to be an alcoholic probably is the case TWAT

Theunamedcat · 24/12/2023 08:51

Husband? File for divorce you gave him 17 years of your life don't give him anymore

You deserve better

Pickles2023 · 24/12/2023 08:52

Yeah...hes gone on a bender...

He will be back when the hangover and alcohol pity and anxiety hits..

Dont take him back he is a crap example for your kids to emulate. He probably thinks you will when he has had his bender fix. Probably roll off some big sob story to tug at your heart strings, then when that doesnt work use the kids to manipulate you with the...what about the kids? They need me bla bla bla and the Help me...

OP ive been there...it just happens over and over again and till they are completely at rock bottom and have no option but to rely on themselves to recover it doesnt change and it will drive you and your kids to the brink of insanity.

grumpycow1 · 24/12/2023 08:53

Also delete social media for a few days as it will just upset you more. Focus on having a nice time with your kids, keep it simple as possible they won’t even notice. Christmas films, popcorn, buy some pre- prepped food like frozen roasties etc.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 24/12/2023 08:53

Tell yourself 2024 is the year you put your dc first and file for divorce.. I reported my exh for drink driving one Sunday and filed for divorce the next day. Absolutely no regrets. Keep the door locked and the key in. If he turns up pissed ring the police. You need the back up ime.. Build a case against him if he gets violent. My ex got zero access to the older dc and limited to the youngest.

RadRad · 24/12/2023 08:53

You say he's a recovering alcoholic who has started drinking again, I am sorry OP, this is so hard for you and your kids, I grew up with an alcoholic father, I don't have fond memories of my childhood, please divorce him before he has ruined your whole life and your kids', not just Christmas.

LassoOfTruth · 24/12/2023 08:53

Better 1 ruined Christmas than 3 ruined childhoods. It sounds like you’ve given him plenty of chances to change, and he hasn’t. He won’t. Do the best imperfect but peaceful Christmas you can, then see a solicitor in January. You and your children deserve a lot better than this. 💐☕️

Snugglemonkey · 24/12/2023 08:54

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude has great points.

I think it is really important to protect yourself and your children. Do you have a shared bank account? Make sure you withdraw enough to carry you into the NY if so. If you have plenty of .only, call a locksmith and change the locks.

This must be awful and I cannot imagine how you feel, but calming yourself down and making a list is help you take back control. What absolutely has to happen? Things like mess do not matter. Focus on ensuring the are presents sorted so Santa can come and that you have food. You can do this for your children.

Ladolcevita233 · 24/12/2023 08:54

PurpleOrchid42 · 24/12/2023 08:49

Okay, so he hasn't left you, he's fallen off the wagon. He probably hates himself now, and that's part of the reason he can't stop.

Boo fucking hoo.

His kids had their Dad turn up drunk to a panto.

Instead of going home and sobering you as their Mum suggested he do, he went to his mum's house and continued drinking.

He didn't have the minimum respect and manners to even tell his wife & mother of his kids where he was.

He's happy to have him partying posted on SM though.

He's violent when he's drunk

Save your sympathy for the real victims.

Addicts like this are ultimately just selfish selfish people.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 24/12/2023 08:54

Theunamedcat · 24/12/2023 08:51

Husband? File for divorce you gave him 17 years of your life don't give him anymore

You deserve better

This is what I was going tobsay, make 2024 your year and divorce him, he will never change.

Morechocmorechoc · 24/12/2023 08:54

The timing is unfortunate, but as other said, bigger picture. Its unlikely he will ever be alcohol free. You'd be best off to accept this as the end. He's selfish, unreliable and by the sound of it dangerous if left with the kids and decides to drink. Personally I'd never let him back in. I'd pack up the rest of his stuff and drop it on his mums doorstep.

DelphiniumBlue · 24/12/2023 08:55

Make a decision not to subject your children to living with an alcoholic. Make this your decision, not his.
It feels horrible now, and if he hasn’t been drinking for a while you’ll be feeling so let down, and the timing is terrible, but tbh this is a risky time of year for alcoholics. If you don’t end it permanently now, this will be how your Christmases go for the rest of your DCs childhoods. And it’s not only Christmas, it’ll be birthdays and other big occasions, you’ll be stressed and on tenterhooks the whole time.
It’s very sad, because presumably you love him , but you have to be the grown up now. Make sure the DC have a calm and peaceful Christmas.
Be prepared for him to show up as if nothing has happened, and decide now how you will with deal with that- you may prefer to let it pass without comment if he turns up on Christmas day, and have the big conversations after Christmas.
If your children are very young, they won’t have big expectations about Christmas anyway,but if they are older it will be more difficult. They may be upset about him not being there, but equally they may be relieved.
You say he is a recovering alcoholic- how long had he not been drinking for?
Whatever, you probably know that this is the end of the road for your relationship.
I’m sorry, it’s a horrible thing to have to deal with.

Janieforever · 24/12/2023 08:56

Sounds to me like he’s an alcoholic. That’s drinking again, so no longer in recovery, as such, the need to drink will outweigh everything else.

personally I think this is unforgivable and wouldn’t have Xmas ruined like this for my children,but then I’d not have stayed after the domestic abuse.

I don’t know where you go from here, I’m not sure I’m hearing you wish to end your marriage, just you’re upset he’s ruined Xmas.

peachgreen · 24/12/2023 08:56

You and your children are free of a violent alcoholic. That’s the best Christmas ever, imo. Best wishes to you, OP. I think you’ll find your new life is a great deal better than the old one.

Rafalito · 24/12/2023 08:57

NOTANUM · 24/12/2023 08:50

Your 13 year old is old enough to be told that dad has a problem with alcohol and needs to be away at the moment so as to get well again. He/she may already know that. Then ask them for help in keeping Christmas fun for the kids but keep it breezy. Two cheerleaders is better than one.

Firstly have you access to transport and money to do a Christmas shop? Enlist your 13 year old to mind the kids while you get out. Remember you don’t need much! Nice treats you wouldn’t normally have (coco pops or marshmallows for hot chocolates tonight) and tonight watch a movie or do karaoke on the Alexa stick/youtube. Tomorrow play with toys and go for a walk to get fresh air. A small chicken is fine for dinner.

After Christmas you can make plans but if it was me, those plans wouldn’t include your DH.

This is brilliant advice x

Wildhorses2244 · 24/12/2023 08:57

I agree with pp that the best thing to do is explain honestly to the kids what has happened and then get on with your day. Ask your 13 year old to help you to still make Xmas nice for the younger two.

If you haven’t got any food in go to the supermarket with the kids and choose lots of posh nice picky bits for Christmas lunch and things like mince pies, cakes etc for dinner. Something that feels really treat but won’t take any work.

If the house is a mess tidy and hoover one room- lounge? And then ignore the rest.

Have you got presents for the kids?

Have you got enough money to get a takeaway tonight?

If you’re worried about tomorrow feeling flat try and think of a way to mix the day up so that it’s different from normal. I think films are always a good solution at times like this because it’s nice time together but without thinking about things.

Today is the first day of the rest of your lives. Don’t let him come home…..

pointythings · 24/12/2023 08:58

Make this the first of many Christmases without him. Spend the time with your kids making it as good as it can be. When everything reopens, see a solicitor to start the divorce. Life without an alcoholic in it is so much better for everyone.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/12/2023 08:58

I know it’s terrible timing. However him not being there has saved your Christmas from being so much worse.

kweeble · 24/12/2023 08:59

Hi - I’m sorry but you need to be practical and support the children rather than look at his social media.
Make today a day of preparation and get some food in while you can - focus on keeping the children warm and fed and stop crying in front of them if you can.
You can’t cancel Christmas but you can have a peaceful calm time without your alcoholic husband. Ask the children what they’d like to do - a windy walk or last look at the Xmas lights perhaps?
You have to put your sadness aside and make Christmas happen for your children - ask the older one to help - offer a later reward if it helps.

Whatdoido1987 · 24/12/2023 08:59

He's a selfish arsehole, I can understand you must be feeling very upset but you need to take control in this situation- be strong. Get your older 2 children to chip in and get the house in order, have a nice bath, make yourself feel good and watch some Christmas films with them. I couldn't put up with this kind of shit, he's made a conscious decision to get pissed after being in recovery, right before Christmas and is now at his mom's drinking. His family must also think it's ok that he has 3 kids and a partner at home the day before Christmas and is choosing to be there getting even more pissed. I'd tell him to stay there indefinitely, I'm sure he'll realise what a mistake he's made once he sobers up!!

Whatdoido1987 · 24/12/2023 09:00

And I'd block him on social media

CornishTiger · 24/12/2023 09:00

This!!

Just remember you have given yourself and the children a safe home free from violence and alcoholism. Life really will get better.

Do not look back.

Iwishiwasasilentnight · 24/12/2023 09:00

He’s on a bender. In 2024 you can figure out what happens next and how to protect you and your children.

For now focus on the next couple of days and your children.

You say you haven’t got anything organised. What do you need to do?

Wrap presents? Can the 13 year old help you with the youngest.
Cnristmas dinner? - Have pizza or whatever you have in the freezer. Kids will be fine not having turkey for once. They may even prefer it.

Hopefully Christmas 2024 will be more peaceful.

Beautiful3 · 24/12/2023 09:01

There's no point having him around. Honestly I'd get rid of him. My neighbour was married to an alcoholic. The amount of collapsing outside the front, and arguments were unreal. He died recently, and it's so peaceful now. His wife now has the biggest smile on her face for the first time in 14 years. They look happier now.