my husband has ruined christmas

[Muminneedofadvice23]

my husband left 2 days ago we have 3 kids and he has just left no contact his phones off and im heartbroken i genuinly cant pull myself out of this cant stop crying. i have no family or support i literally dont know what to do

Is there someone in his family you can tell. Make it their problem. You focus on the kids. Tell them dad's not well. Whoever said wash your face... Good advice. Hot water then cold and then a nice moisturizer, make up, big girl pants thrn and put your best side out for those lovely children. Know you can cry when they sleep. And stay off the booze. I'll be thinking of you and sending good vibes. At 9 am. Other mums here might nominate other times of the day. So you know you have support. I offer 6pm too. I'll be thinking of you.,x 11 am and 6pm.

When you look at the behaviour of his brother and Mum; it's easy to see that this is not a simple, isolated problem.

Like most shit behaviour, it's rooted in values.

If I was a Mum to a man in a situation like this, "recovering" alcoholic for 6 yrs. Has been violent while drunk ... .. I'd tell him to gtfo my house, sober up, and go home. And urgently follow up for help with addiction services.

Same for his brother.

Instead they tolerate it, even encourage it, and someone's posting SM pics of the "partying".

You've got a whole family/cultural/values problem there, and those tend to not change.

Do you really have nothing at all yet, no presents or food in? I’d have thought most people start picking things up from early December.

Was he meant to be getting it all today or something?

Do you have access to your own money?

What an arse! This is your chance to have a few days to consider what you want in your relationship and the boundaries ypu are going to set. I always find a long walk in nature clears the head and allows me to get over the drama and consider things. Also gets the kids out of the house. Xmas day doesn't have to be a big fuss, get your older kiddos to help out as much as possible.

Don't get caught up in the drama, and the addiction recovery bleugh ..... Your kids should not be being subjected to this.

You will get through this. You are stronger than you know - all women are.

Hold your children close and still give them some sort of Christmas Day tomorrow to help them (and you) to feel loved, but in a manageable low-key way so you can conserve your energy as much as possible (cosy TV watching in bed, pizza or simple roast chicken for Christmas lunch instead of a big meal, ‘dessert first’). Tell them frequently that you love them, and you will always be there for them.

When you start to feel overwhelmed, repeat some sort of mantra to yourself like “I have my kids and we are enough” or “I am strong enough to get through this day, step by step ”. If you need to fall apart for a bit, set a timer and allow yourself to weep for 15 mins in your bedroom. Then shake yourself off (literally - shaking is a great stress release mechanism) and carry on for another hour. Avoid drinking too much as it can make emotions harder to handle.

It’s really hard to think straight when you’re emotionally devastated but when the shock has dissipated you’ll be able to make a plan, don’t worry, so don’t worry about the future and just get through the week one day at a time.

This is hard but you will be ok. Hang in there.

I know currently it doesn't feel like it but it sounds like this is a blessing in disguise.
You are finally free of you violent, alcoholic husband. He is a selfish prick that put getting pissed with his brother over his children.

One day you'll look back and see this is the best thing that could've happened.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Firstly, get off social media. That is not going to help you.

Do not contact him or beg him to come back.

Just focus on you and the kids.

If the house is a bomb site then clean it up.
Its difficult to do with little ones but the cleaning will probably actually help clear your mind and tick one thing off your list.

I would clean this morning and then take the kids to to the park/a walk to burn off some energy.
Then this afternoon, shove an Xmas film on and spend some time wrapping presents or whatever you need to do.

The busier you keep yourself today, the easier it will be.

He’s already made things difficult, don’t let him make things anymore difficult.

This must be hard op. When he is sober you must feel like you have a very different husband. The person he is being currently isn’t thinking of anyone else but himself. If you let him back in you know he will fall off and drink again at some point. Think about what your children are thinking and feeling with his actions too. First of all you need to think about you, call womens aid or Samaritans. Do your best with the house and Christmas it doesn’t need to be perfect just enough.

i have all their presents and dinner i will sort it somehow 😓

Ok OP, I'm sorry this has happened.

harness the strength you had in telling him to go home.

you don't have to think about the future right now just the next two days, let's break it into steps.

do you have 2x breakfast, lunch, dinner for the next 2 days - if not, make a list of what you need. Christmas dinner can be roast chicken and veg, easy stuff.

Do you have presents for Christmas Day, if not add them to the list.

figure out how to go and get the stuff you need. Can 13 year old entertain the younger while you shop, iPads etc?

get cheap sweets and treats in the shops, tell kids you are going to have cosy quiet Christmas, 'Dad had to go see family, but you will see him after Xmas and celebrate then'

stay off social media, cuddle with your kids and watch films.

your calm and your panic will be very contagious to the kids, choose to exude calm to keep them safe. When fears come up tell yourself you will think about it after these 2 days.

he is in a safe place, no one is in imminent danger - stay off social media, it will be contributing to your panic.

you're ok and you will be ok, love and strength to you

If he WAS home what would he be adding to your Christmas op? Think about it. Maybe time to accept best if he doesn't come back.

Physically, you will absolutely fine then.

Its just holding it together emotionally and telling the kids that’s going to be the hardest part.

Sorry Op, that's really tough. But for the sake of your kids you'll need to try and pull it together for the next few days. Obviously it won't be the same sort of Christmas you'd probably hoped for but they are young enough to still expect a normal ish Christmas. Try to put aside thoughts about the future for now and focus on getting through each day. It's fine to be sad and it'll be impossible to hide it totally from the kids, especially the eldest, but you crying all day isn't fair on them so you need to dig deep. I know that's hard but you can't do much at the moment, just cope. Stop looking at his brother's social media, that's not helping.

Don't worry about the state of the house, kids don't care about that stuff. If it's really bothering you, just do the basics like dishes and a quick tidy/hoover. If you've got food in the house then great, if not pop to shops as soon as they open and get some stuff. It doesn't have to be the full on Christmas roast just things you and the kids like. Most kids don't really care about a big roast anyway.

I'm the child of an alcoholic so I know all about Christmas spoiled by excess drinking. I've also been through a divorce and remember the sheer shock and grief when he left. Just do the best you can and next week, after the holidays, you can start being practical about the future. For now just get through it.

This with Christmas Bells on .

Wow. Well isn’t that lovely to those of us who have spent years battling to escape addiction and do our absolute best for our families. Run businesses. Mentor people. Do exercise. Do the school run. Oh yeah…and walk unnoticed amongst the rest of you angels.

You will all be happier and safer with out him.

Don't let him come back.

Be grateful. The trash took itself out. Why waste your life on a dickhead who obviously gives no shits about you or your kids. There’s better men out there, throw this one back

This!

Start a benefit claim and keep him out. You’ll be better off not dealing with 3 kids and a drunk.

Good for you op, don't let him ruin it for them.

I had something similar and I'm very grearful for my mum keeping things up as much as they could for us.

Quite frankly he hasn't ruined Christmas, he's probably saved it. Your older children at least will probably be grateful that he's not around and the younger one will be better in a less stressed environment. Kids need and thrive on predictability and safety and at the moment he can't offer them either. It's all about him for him.

I know it's hard but you need to pull yourself together and be the safe, reliable parent for them (as I'm sure you have been all along). So it's just one foot in front of the other. For tomorrow, get some food in, make sure you've got some presents wrapped and plan a couple of things to do - a walk, a movie etc. Maybe come up with a schedule for next few day with the older two? If they've witnessed their dad's dreadful behaviour, they're probably feeling quite vulnerable right now and it might help them to know that there is a plan in place at least until the end of the holiday. It might also help you to plan out what you're doing.

Long-term of course, you need to think about how you can get free of this for you and your kids' sake.

What is his mother saying about it? If he's been dry for years has something triggered him starting again? I'd agree Christmas, it's just one day. Don't look at this as Christmas ruined as much as Christmas saved, at least you know it will be safe and peaceful without him there. Make yourself the Christmas miracle for your kids. They still think you're amazing xx

Good. Remember you don't have to do things the usual way. All you have to do is try to make sure that they have a good day.

If that means putting a movie on while you're having Christmas dinner because you're not up to talking, then that's what you do.

Yes you will sort it. Make Christmas about you and your children.
Hold it together for two more days. You can 100 percent do this. He will probably turn up after his bender so you need to decide what you want to do then.

Remember you are strong and you will get through this. He is a disgrace and you are the hero in this story.

Do not let that loser ruin Christmas for you and your family.

Wrap those presents, drink hot chocolate, play some games, screw it eat all the Christmas chocolate now. Do it! You can do it it

@Muminneedofadvice23 I really wish you a beautiful Christmas and I am sure it will be with your 3 children. It doesn't sound like your husband will be much of a loss to proceedings. I am interested to read that you have no family and no support, something that women seem to mention on MN quite a lot. Why is that? I can understand that some families are difficult but have you not been able to cultivate a friendship throughout your life? Someone you can rely on when life gets tough? I suggest at the very least friendship is important for any woman so that you are not solely reliant on a feckless man. Good luck op.

I would take it a day at a time. Today get sorted for Christmas and spend time with your kids. Tomorrow try to have the best day you can with them.

You need to consider he may come back tonight or on Xmas day. Are you planning to let him stay for Christmas?

After Christmas take some time to think about what do you want. Do you want him to come back? Do you want a divorce?

My exh left me to 'teach me a lesson' unfortunately all I learnt was that I was a lot happier when he wasn't there. We split 18 years ago and tbh I can barely remember it now.