my husband has ruined christmas

[Muminneedofadvice23]

my husband left 2 days ago we have 3 kids and he has just left no contact his phones off and im heartbroken i genuinly cant pull myself out of this cant stop crying. i have no family or support i literally dont know what to do

If you're an alcoholic then it's for life, it's not a temporary addiction. You can be an active alcoholic or a sober alcoholic but you're still an alcoholic, as in you have a disordered relationship with alcohol.
I hope you manage to have a better 2024 op and not give another year of your life to this man.

Your husband hasn’t ruined Christmas. He will ruin your lives though if you take him back after this. He is not fit to be around any of you and you will have a much more peaceful happy time without him.

as harsh as it sounds he’s made his choice and you can only do one thing which is move forward without him for your sake and the children too. You can’t bring them up in a house with an alcoholic who’s lapsed. If it were me I would be relieved he’s taken his self absorption somewhere else and be looking up familiar solicitors the day after Boxing Day.

As a child who grew up with a stepfather who was an alcoholic who got violent, thank you for protecting your children AND yourself!
I want to play Devil's advocate and say that Christmas is incredibly stressful and that he's had a mental break or any of that other crap, but, what he's done is unforgivable.
I think, for the moment, you need to keep your mind on tomorrow. If the kids ask about him say hrs away for a while. Just get through these next few days, hour by hour if need be. Remember, you're the one who has been keeping this all together all these years, NOT him!
You can do this! Xx

Right. It’s shit. Absolutely fucking shit. He’s a massive bell end and has totally dropped you in it.

But.

You are not shit and Christmas does not rely on him. You have got this.

You need a plan. If it was me, it would look something like this (but you will have things that are important to you so edit accordingly):

1. headphones on (or music blaring if your DC won’t mind). Some sort of ‘strong independent women’ play list on Spotify.

2. Set a timer for 1 hour. Do a blast clean so that you feel in control of the house.

3. check fridge. Do you have what you need for some sort of Christmas dinner? Pizza can be cut into Christmas tree shapes if necessary. Or whatever you have can be arranged into ‘Christmas charcuterie’ (google it. It’s cute. It’s what I’m doing with leftovers tomorrow!)

4. check presents. Any last minute bits need buying?

5. wrap kids up warm, take them either for a stomp in the countryside, or just a walk around lock streets looking for the best decorated house or Christmas trees.

6. Carol service at local church

7. home. Pjs. Hot chocolate. Snuggle on sofa.

8. kids in bed. Presents laid out. Crappy Christmas movie on telly.

Once you’re through Christmas, the plan changes: al-anon meetings, google divorce lawyers, etc etc.

Good luck. You have got this.

My brother did that on another significant day of the year. I'm so sorry, the fallout is huge. I can only wish you all the best for you and your children and hope you have some support around you.

Make 2024 the year you change your children's lives for the better! They will look back on this Christmas as the one they spent safe with their mum without a violent drunk ruining things.

Could you reframe this at all? He is ‘safe’, you are safe from his temper and he has given you an early Christmas present by falling off the wagon and doing it elsewhere and not at home.

Clearly not acceptable and obviously overwhelming for you, turn off your phone or block his number for the next few days and try and focus on yourself and children. It’s ok to be upset and angry about this but give yourself the time to process and decide what you want going forward.

You’ve done the best thing by sending him away from you and the children. Even if he wanted to come back, I would not let him. Christmas would be truly ruined having an alcoholic, drunk and violent man about the house. You are saving Christmas by making sure he stays at his mum’s. I know it’s hard on his children, but believe me, they are better off and happier with him not being around in his current state.

OK, at least you know where he is. Big girl pants on, dry your tears and paste a smile on your face for your kids sake. Fake it ‘till you make it. The shops are still open so get in whatever you need to, if you can’t face doing a big Christmas Dinner have pizza or whatever your family like.
Give the kids tasks, get them involved in sorting the house out, doesn’t have to be show home standards, just comfortable.
Do you have money or access to it?
If he dares to show his face tomorrow and he’s pissed don’t let him in, in fact don’t let him in at all. His mother at the moment will be revelling in having her ‘boys’ at home, reliving past Christmases but will soon get sick of them all once the novelty wears off.
I’d seriously take long hard look at your future with this man. He’s proved he’s not capable of staying sober, he’s violent when drunk.

I shiver remembering this situation with my now XH (alcoholic and drug addict). Five years ago, at Xmas, he did similar. Police ended up being involved as he was trying to break into the house at night (whilst drunk) and I was terrified (he'd get abusive when drunk). DC were little then. NB house was rented and in my name only.

He went off to his sister's place for 2-3 days. I was devastated (I should have been bloody used to it by that point) but held things together for the kids, and we had a lovely Christmas. Very calm and peaceful.

OP, we limped on for another 2-3 weeks afterwards and then separated (told him that this was last chance saloon - separate, he gets sober/clean and we have a chance for the marriage to work). I stupidly EVEN THEN thought that he was serious about taking steps to get dry/sober (I should be known better: AA, NA, CGL and private rehab etc didn't do anything for him...he didn't want it). He wasn't. He moved in with OW (she understood him better than I ever did etc etc) and I filed for divorce.

On a practical note...You've got your Xmas food and presents. Well done. Message husband/family and tell them to keep him there for next few days. Can you get eldest to help wrap them? Maybe do a quick blitz on the house to tidy/clean it a bit. Christmas movies/music. Chill at home with the kids. If kids ask, just say that Dad is fine and he's staying with his mum for Xmas. Have you got friends to bolster you up? Even via message or phone call?

Five years on, and I still start to shake if I smell vodka on someone's breath or if people are drunk around me. However, the peaceful home and ability to properly sleep at night is amazing, I'm not on edge all the time, I'm not living in fear, and I'm not scared anymore.

What you do after Xmas is down to you. Just know that if you do decide that enough is enough, then it is not your fault. None of it is your fault. You're not rubbish or shit.

I hope you manage to have a lovely and peaceful Christmas time. Don't be afraid. You've got this and you will do just fine xxx

This is absolutely true. I am five years dry but I consider myself to be an alcoholic. I'm not ashamed of it, it is what it is and I manage it. The analogy I use is that of a diabetic: a diabetic is still a diabetic even when they take insulin. An alcoholic is still an alcoholic even if they don't drink. In our case, the action we take is a negative one (not drinking) rather than a positive one (injecting insulin) but it is still a way of managing a lifelong condition.

OP, I am very sorry for your situation. You are better off without this man, but it sounds as if you are trauma bonded. You need him out of your lives, the two year old in particular has already been damaged by seeing his abusive behaviour. You need to put the children first.

I agree with this.

Try to get things together as best you can to have Christmas Day with the children (think about him afterwards).

So sorry you're going through this...

How are the kids?

Have a low key Xmas. Open some presents and snuggle on the sofa together or play with their new toys. Just try to make the best if it and accept that it’s not going to be the best Xmas you’ve had,

This, I'm afraid.

I'm so very sorry, OP.

What a disgrace of a “human being.” OP- you and your kids deserve so much better!!
Don’t let him back into your life this is unforgivable to do this to you & kids.
Be strong, hold your head high & have the last laugh- be with your lovely children over Christmas you don’t need decorations or even presents -just each other. You will always remember in years to come how strong you are & how you stepped up when your kids needed you. When you needed you!! Honestly you will always have this to be proud of yourself for. Stay strong & have a lovely Christmas without that prick xxxx

Well done OP. One step at a time for the next 48 hours. You don’t need the house perfect: presents, Christmas dinner and a couple of movies snuggled up together, perhaps with some treats to munch. The two younger ones will be fine with this if you can seem ok with it. The 13 year old is trickier but don’t shy away from being honest ( though not overly negative or distressed) and saying you know together you can manage a happy Christmas for the younger ones. Helping and being given responsibility is a distraction and actually at that age it sometimes feels good. Lots of cuddles and keep it simple. Inside you will probably be aching so sending you lots of strength and hope for a better year ahead. I’m not one of those MN posters who scream LTB because DH’s bum crack slipped on show when cooking dinner, but in this case I do think forget the housework etc, chill out with the kids and perhaps gently entertain how it might be if it were the four of you. My biggest worry is actually that his family will talk some “sense” into him ( at the last minute) and he’ll descend upon you at home. Be strong: you’ve got this!

I've said this on another thread but I'm going to say it again here.

@Muminneedofadvice23 explain to us why you're still with him. Because in explaining to us you will have to explain it to yourself. And when you see it written down it will become clearer on how to move forward.

You have a lot more issues with him than what's just happened. You need to protect your children in the longer term. And you have to ask yourself if the reasons you're still with him are worth putting the DCs through it all.

Now you know for certain that he isn't to be relied on and that you and the children are not his priority. That is hard to deal with, but knowledge is power.

Your husband hasn’t ruined Christmas by leaving you. He’s actually done the opposite. Having a violent drunk in the house ruins Christmas. And now luckily you won’t have that.

That’s how I feel too OP. As I posted, my biggest worry is he will turn up so you need to think how you would handle that. You can have a lovely time with DCs. Enjoy.

@Muminneedofadvice23 You are living with a violent alcoholic.
No such thing as recovery.
Addicts and alcoholics are always at risk of relapse.
His violence is unforgivable.
Better to be alone than cope with that shit.

Get a Divorce in New Year.

Well his family are a fucking disgrace aren’t they! I would never have my sons home drinking and abandoning their children and wife…wtaf?!

I hope he’s gone permanently OP! He sounds completely waste of space and this will be impacting your children. Let them have a lovely Christmas with you and I hope you all get to enjoy the day ❤️ I’m so much happier without my toxic Dad around!

You will handle this OP. Some great advice above.

If he has been violent before when drunk I would seriously consider calling the police and putting your name on a fast response list in case he decides to grace you all with his presence tomorrow.

Massive hugs op. How absolutely awful for you all. Please get rid off this piece of shit. Make your new year a better one for yourself and dc. His family are trash. Don't even contact them. Where is your family?

His family are likely alcoholics themselves.