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Original poster

my husband has ruined christmas

199 replies

Muminneedofadvice23 · 24/12/2023 08:28

my husband left 2 days ago we have 3 kids and he has just left no contact his phones off and im heartbroken i genuinly cant pull myself out of this cant stop crying. i have no family or support i literally dont know what to do

OP posts:
notsorighteousthesedays · 24/12/2023 08:40

So sorry OP.

Are your children old enough to understand if you tell them Dad's gone on a bender? If so do that and say the result is that this is your Christmas (just you and them) let's make a plan....

Let them lead the way. If they want to talk about it do so at a level they will understand otherwise don't mention him at all.

Don't have him back so that he can just do it all again. He has made his choices now it's your turn. Be kind to yourself.

PixiePirate · 24/12/2023 08:40

So he’s choosing alcohol over his family at Christmas?

He’ll be back in a day or two. The question is, will you accept him?

Do you have access to enough money etc to support yourself and the children? I’d consider taking cash out of the bank to keep you going over the holidays and focus on yourself and the children for the next week. In the NY think about divorce. Your kids (and you) deserve better. Your kids can’t facilitate that, so it’s all on you.

rainbowstardrops · 24/12/2023 08:41

Oh what an arse he is. I know you probably can't see it now but it's for the best that he's not around you or your children. He doesn't deserve any of you.

caramac04 · 24/12/2023 08:41

It’s really crap timing but in the long run you’re probably better off without him.
Concentrate on your dc and think hard about your best way forward.
Has he got form for this? Is it likely to happen again?
His family are shit for indulging him in his selfish behaviour.
I hope you and your dc enjoy Christmas and quality time together.

ofestivetree · 24/12/2023 08:41

You can have christmas in a messy house. It's fine.

What are the bare minimums you would like to do for Christmas. Do you have any food you can eat for dinner. It can always be the year you had pizza for Christmas Dinner if you want. Do you have a TV? Find out when Christmas films are on. Don't feel you have to live up to any expectations. This year will be different and that's ok.

crumpet · 24/12/2023 08:43

For example I noticed that an independent coffee shop near us is open on Christmas and Boxing Day - you could see if something a little unusual like that is near you and (eg if a coffee shop) go and have a Christmas morning hot chocolate all together. (Or even a Xmas MacDonalds breakfast which feels even more transgressive for a Christmas morning and so might be a bit of fun for them)

Toddlerteaplease · 24/12/2023 08:43

Don't let him back in. Your kids only have one childhood. Is that how you want them to remember it?

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 24/12/2023 08:43

He’s gone on a bender and you probably won’t see him til new year. Your poor dc having to put up with him as a father. It’s probably for the best they don’t see him over Christmas if he’s going to be drunk all of it. Protect your dc, bite the bullet and count your blessings he’s not around to ruin Christmas for them.

BeadedBubbles · 24/12/2023 08:43

So he's an alcoholic who's gone on a massive bender. Just focus on your kids and getting through Xmas.

IAmAnIdiot123 · 24/12/2023 08:44

We wouldn't be together after this. It is unforgivable. I would be seeing a solicitor first thing in the new year.

You're going to have to slap on your best mask and make Christmas as enjoyable as possible for the kids and push this as far back as needed in your brain for the next few days.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP, he is an absolute dick.

Allwelcone · 24/12/2023 08:44

If you had a little sister, or a grown up kid in this situation, imagine someone who looks up to you, what would would you advise them to do in the short term?

I expect the children would look back on their Christmas and be proud of a mum who rolled up her sleeves, straightened up the home, cooked a meal and gave the day some structure.

Allofaflutter · 24/12/2023 08:45

There’s a helpline for friends and family of alcoholics. Can you call that for some real life support? I’m so sorry.

Rafalito · 24/12/2023 08:45

I grew up with an addict parent, it was a relief when they weren’t around.

This is typically selfish, horrendous timing from an addict, but he’s not in any danger - he’s being a selfish knob and whilst he’s drunk you’ll get no sense out of him at all. Can you find a way to take some really deep breaths, get a few things wrapped up for the kids, get some food on the go, whack a Christmas movie on for all of you, get out and have a Christmas walk? Just little things that will give the kids a semblance of a good day. Don’t let him ruin it for them as well - my mum always used to say that if she’d managed to save us from the worst of what he did then she’d succeeded and she was right. The kids have their lovely mum, they’ll be happy. If you need to cry, go to the toilet and let it out then plaster on a smile and get back in there for the kids. If they ask where he is, say he’s unwell and they’ll see him in in a bit - that’s what my mum always did and we used to accept it (as we got older we knew but then we were just relieved he wasn’t there).

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, life with an addict is just never ever easy. She left eventually, and she’s been exponentially happier. And he finally got sober and we all now in our 40’s have good relationships with him. Sending you a massive hug, you can do this x

Allwelcone · 24/12/2023 08:45

Sorry hirrific typo- skiing? I've never even been! Meant to say "give the day some structure ".

Can't find the edit option!

Willmafrockfit · 24/12/2023 08:46

sending you strength
plan to not have him back op

hot2trotter · 24/12/2023 08:47

He'll come crawling back when the drink runs out (so to speak).

Me personally, I wouldn't have him back. But I can guess that you probably will.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 24/12/2023 08:47

I am so sorry this has happened. He is no longer a recovering alcoholic and he would ruin Christmas if he was at home.

He has let you down hugely and that must hurt. There is a reason why Al anon says this
– I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it

Focus on your own needs and the DC. What would make the day good for the DC? Christmas picnic in front of the TV watching cheesy Christmas movies?

Let him stew himself in alcohol somewhere else if that is what he has chosen to do, don’t expect him to see sense or care so don’t chase him for a response. Instead focus on yourself and the DC.

Isntfurenough · 24/12/2023 08:48

I’m so sorry OP I know it must be horrendous and I wish you so much strength.

I know it’s a cliche but one day youll look back and think this was the best Christmas gift he could ever have given you - he has made it clear what he is and you and your dc deserve so , so much better x

Ladolcevita233 · 24/12/2023 08:48

he has struggled with alcohol in the past and has been in recovery for 6 years for some reason he started drinking again. he becomes violent when hes drinking so i will not have it around me or the children and he is aware of this and hasnt done it for so long

Well he's not in recovery any more.

Some people are alcoholics for life, that's just the way it is.

Violent as well .... What a prince, and great partner & father.

Christmas is likely a time when he feels entitled/justified/appropriate to drink. I've noticed that about drinkers . a celebratory time of year, with everyone on holiday, going to parties, going out for drinks .... Sets off a little bell in their heads: "it's party time!" "It's drinking time". The ultimate excuse.

For people whose only interpretation of fun and having a good time and enjoying themselves is getting drunk - not having a lovely time with their kids for example; that's all they want to do. They are actually selfish, boring, basic bastards.

If he's still capable of doing this after 6 years in "recovery", I'd put it to you that he's possibly never going to change.

Do you really want to spend more of your life subjected to this sort of shit, more of your kids lives subjected to this sort of shit.

How incredibly embarrassing for them to have their Dad turn up drunk to a family panto. How horrible for them to have him gone, drinking at his Mum's house, just on the cusp of Christmas.

It's not good enough for anyone

You seem to be more ranting and upset, but it's time to make some real decisions. How many more falls off the wagon that ruin your family life, peace, happiness and stability do you want to tolerate?

He's treating you all like shit, regardless of an "addiction".

His priority is getting drunk and "partying". I have a sister like this, they don't change.

PurpleOrchid42 · 24/12/2023 08:49

Okay, so he hasn't left you, he's fallen off the wagon. He probably hates himself now, and that's part of the reason he can't stop.

Itsagreatdaytosavelives · 24/12/2023 08:49

so sorry about your alcoholic partner. but get angry. get really fucking angry. how fucking dare he do this. either keep this thread running as a running record document or use notes app in your phone as he will be back and you will not let this happen. start packing up his shit. get teen involved in xmas prep. make a plan. you can do this. next christmas will be so much better with him out of your life. be ready for hospital phonecall. that much alcohol after 6 years can be lethal. turn off phone. his family can sort

strawberry2017 · 24/12/2023 08:49

It sounds like if he's drinking again an and violent when he does then it sounds like he's done you a favour.
It's going to be hard but the amazing thing about women is how resilient we are and how kick ass we can be when we need to.
Just do the best you can tomorrow. The kids will be ok. They have you and that's what they need. Someone they can rely on and who makes them feel safe.
You will get them and yourself through this. X

grumpycow1 · 24/12/2023 08:50

You are way WAY better off without him my love. Don’t let him back in after this. You deserve better. Think of the role model you want for your kids. Change the locks and drop his stuff off at mummy dearest house.

MzHz · 24/12/2023 08:50

Ok, so he’s out. Let him stay out and keep him out. I know this will be hard, but get over the initial shock, and you’ll see how much sweeter the air you’re breathing in the house will be. Grab this chance of freedom from an alcoholic

NOTANUM · 24/12/2023 08:50

Your 13 year old is old enough to be told that dad has a problem with alcohol and needs to be away at the moment so as to get well again. He/she may already know that. Then ask them for help in keeping Christmas fun for the kids but keep it breezy. Two cheerleaders is better than one.

Firstly have you access to transport and money to do a Christmas shop? Enlist your 13 year old to mind the kids while you get out. Remember you don’t need much! Nice treats you wouldn’t normally have (coco pops or marshmallows for hot chocolates tonight) and tonight watch a movie or do karaoke on the Alexa stick/youtube. Tomorrow play with toys and go for a walk to get fresh air. A small chicken is fine for dinner.

After Christmas you can make plans but if it was me, those plans wouldn’t include your DH.