Leaving family Christmas and taking my children home

[GinLou]

Between my partner and I we have 8 kids, we were never together when they were little so although it's a lot it doesn't always feel like it. We've been together 5 years, his wife passed and my children's dad isn't involved.
Christmas for the last 2 years was all the kids (or those who wanted to come home) at ours for a low key day centred around food and PJs, this is how it's always been. This year his parents are selling their house, it's the house he grew up in and they invited everyone over. It's a large 7 bed but a lot of the adult children have got hotels, but are here from breakfast to gone midnight. There's 26 people all in.
This Christmas is very different to ours, a lot of drinking, TikTok dancing, games, chatter you name it. It's never quiet and definitely not chill. There's also no way to avoid it, there are 3 rooms available in the day the sitting room, the snug and the conservatory. The youngest group 13-18/19 seem to all be pushed into the snug, the adult children 19-26ish in the conservatory/dining room and the adults (partners parents, siblings and the such) in the sitting room. Obviously there's lots of mixing too but this has been the default most of the 2 days so far. It's overwhelming and I'm an adult!!

Tonight 2 of my 3 children came to me (13 and 15) and expressed they aren't having fun they want to go home. DD was crying saying it's too much and she's tired, we are due to be here until the 27th.
I think the issue is they don't know these people, the in jokes, the history etc. lots of mention of partners late wife which makes me uncomfortable and DD said it makes her feel weird.

I called my own mum and told her everything and she suggested we just come home and go there, it will just be them, my sister, her son but they have enough to feed 12 my mum thinks.

I'm so tempted!! I hate all this loud noisy fun, all the games are tedious, TikTok dances make me cringe and I don't feel included.

I haven't spoken to my partner yet, but I'm thinking of suggesting my kids and I leave tomorrow and have a quiet Christmas with my family then we can celebrate together on the 28th when we are all home.
DS is 17 and seems to be having a nice time so I'd ask him if he wants to stay but I know my girls want to go home.

AIBU to be considering this?

In what world is it entitled or spoilt to want a space of your own to sleep in when you want and is quiet - not a place where other teenagers go including members of the opposite sex the sane age as you you have never met.

@SoupDragon you are seriously saying you would be ok as a woman to put up with that kind of sleeping arrangement. Where you are clearly seen as a third rate citizen as the boy family members have their own space

they have spoken, so either a solution is found to give two teenager girls the space they need by switching rooms or they go

@SoreAndTired1

It's never quiet or chill

doesn't equal music been played at 2am in the same room…

The youngest group 13-18/19 seem to all be pushed into the snug, the adult children 19-26ish in the conservatory/dining room and the adults (partners parents, siblings and the such) in the sitting room. " - Sleeping arrangements.

Nope, you left out the opening of that paragraph “there are 3 rooms available in the day the sitting room, the snug and the conservatory. The youngest group 13-18/19 seem to all be pushed into the snug, the adult children 19-26ish in the conservatory/dining room and the adults (partners parents, siblings and the such) in the sitting room”

Key word is “day” & the fact we know the adults aren’t sleeping in the sitting room or conservatory but in bedrooms & a hotel… 😆

I thought MNetters were meant to be educated!

There's no reason to be rude and make personal attacks just because I happen to have a different opinion from you.

You believe that empowering teenage girls to leave an environment where their needs are being ignored is "cowardly" and "running away"; I believe it's important and brave.

Both opinions. Neither one is more valid than the other.

It's really very unnecessary for you to claim I "lack comprehension" simply because I disagree with you. I "comprehend" your argument perfectly well, I simply disagree with it.

Please don't pull the faux disingenuous "I don't understand" card, people hate that.

In all honesty, this does sound chaotic to me BUT, you agreed to a different Christmas and this is it. You can't leave before Christmas day and it not cause an issue. If you were used to chill time this time of year, you would have guessed that dozens in a house from another family would be manic and loud.

Take your DDs out for a bit today, leave on the 26th and be extremely gracious to the family hosting. Don't do it again.

Also, re DPs late wife, it would be sad to know she wasn't being talked about at Christmas by the family. You haven't been with DP 20+ years so maybe engage with the talk of his late wife, it might mean a lot to him and the family.

Lesson learned here OP. Good luck!

"Thankyou hosts for the hospitality you've shown me and my girls over the last 2 days. Unfortunately the DD's have said to me that they are feeling overwhelmed by it all and are not happy. We really don't want to put a damper on Christmas day for everybody else, so I will be taking them to visit their Grandma today. I do hope you understand and please don't take it personally. Have a lovely Christmas and I shall see you in the New Year".

There is no need to lie or say anything more. Just pack up and leave.

OP has literally said that her daughters don’t know most of the people staying there. They’re sleeping with no real bedroom around many people they don’t know who can and are walking around and spending time in their sleeping space preventing them from going to sleep.

Nothing with them being supposedly delicate and if they’ve also never been to this house before that will likely add to how uncomfortable they already are.

I’d try and fix the sleeping arrangements for them either by booking into a hotel or swopping the boys or yourselves with the girls. I think it is rude to leave at this point but I would be out of there on the 26th. Go off and do something nice with them today alone. Sometimes we just have to push on through an uncomfortable situation and make the best of it. It’s too late now but in future you’ll know not to do it again. It would be different if you forced them to do it every year.

Yes, tell the in-laws that you are nervous of the potential sex offenders in their midst, of course they'll understand 🙄

@Quartz2208 I've been in similar situations many times. The secret is to actually use a bit of initiative, and think about solutions - Rather then skulking off and landing 3 extra unexpected guests on someone else on Christmas Day at short notice.

Agree with PP give the girls your room or share it with them. Let them watch films up there in the day time. Go out for a very long walk. I would leave Boxing Day morning. It's one time as the house is being sold. It will not be asked of you again.

Yes but here the solutions would be other people changing what they want. The parents want the family to have one final Christmas their way, any changing for the girls is likely to actually put them out far more than them leaving to go somewhere they are welcome.

sometimes leaving suits everyone

@LameBorzoi OP said her mum wants her and the girls to go to her, and she has more than enough food and drink. It is not "landing 3 extra unexpected guests on someone else on Christmas Day at short notice." OP's mum wants them there. And the girls seem to want to go.

@AppleChristsBirthdayMacchiato

I questioned your comprehension because you inferred that me saying running away is cowardly equalled “Putting your children first is not "cowardly".? “

It’s nothing to do with a difference of opinion just comprehension of what someone is writing but you proved my point again….

@phoenixrosehere Oh I agree that that particular sleeping arrangement isn't working, and speaking up about it is more than reasonable. It's just that there's a bit of hyperbole with dove previous posters.

swap your son and partners son to sleep in the snug and give the two girls the bedroom.

I agree you can't really leave, but you do need to speak to your partner to see if some compromise to help the girls at least get some peace/rest can be done.

And the music til 2am? Hell no, thats so unfair on a 13yo :/

I do think OP and her DC need to chalk this Christmas up as a bit shit - like many of us do, in the same way we all have to endure a shit holiday from time to time. That's life. No one is in danger, just some people not enjoying it as much as others.

This 'stay or leave' narrative is just false. There are things that can be changed right now that will make it more pleasant for her DC e.g. swap bedrooms or DC sleep in their bedroom or all loud music off at 10pm or snug is off limits, talk to your DP about all of this..............

You signed up for this. You now know it is not your cup of tea and after Christmas Day you or your DC never have to do it again. I would leave on Boxing Day though.

@Quartz2208 Well, the actual grow up thing would be not to assume that and run off. The sensible thing would be to have an actual conversation with the hosts.

In the real world if you’re not happy about a situation in a relationship, a friendship, the workplace etc it’s a lot more practical & logical to vocalise that rather than just go mute & run away. Putting yourself first doesn’t have to equal run away.

Part of becoming an adult is learning to understand what nuance is, and a big part of nuance is understanding that in the real world, there is never a one size fits all approach. I'm surprised you don't understand that.

Every situation is different. In some situations, it's appropriate to articulate concerns and negotiate a compromise. In other situations, the most appropriate course of action is simply to remove yourself.

I've had plenty of jobs where I've simply walked out, and I've had plenty of jobs where I've spoken up and negotiated. Part of having emotional intelligence is being able to discern the difference between a situation that can be resolved via communication and a situation that cannot be resolved, and learning how to protect yourself from the latter.

Your thought patterns are very black and white, but real life is not black and white. There are plenty of situations where speaking up and trying to negotiate a compromise would either be inappropriate or dangerous; it's an essential life skill to be able to tell the difference. Treating every single conflict the exact same way isn't a mature approach.

It's clearly not appropriate to advocate and negotiate in the middle of a stressful and chaotic family Christmas with people you're not even related to, who have a history of refusing to compromise. Yes, there may be space to make changes that will help the girls to feel safe and comfortable, but clearly a family where it's the norm to party till 2am (who refuse to even compromise on breakfast time) isn't going to agree to music off at 10pm, and clearly the family aren't going to take the teens' room away from them just to suit their step-granddaughters who they seem to be treating unequally.

@AppleChristsBirthdayMacchiato in the vast majority of situations the standard thing to do is to do discuss, negotiate, compromise etc as opposed to just leaving without saying a word as I’ve said multiple times. Just as you are doing now! 😜

I’m glad you agree with me!

People say talk to the hosts. Firstly, that the hosts won't even allow their own son to help himself in his childhood home and forces them to wait until they are given anything to eat or drink shows they'd be impervious to reason. That there is music going to 2am and the hosts never once stop to think others might want to go to sleep shows they'd be impervious to reason. What on earth makes people think the hosts might start being remotely hospitable and reasonable if they are talked to? In fact, what would happen is the hosts sound like they would take offence and that would make the atmosphere worse.

And if OP does talk to the hosts and, (I lay you 99% chance hosts take offence and get the strop with OP and her kids) the hosts refuse to budge... what then? Would you then say OP would be justified in leaving?

I don't think I could bear even a day of it. I'd have to go home.

Oh for heaven’s sake it’s a few days at one critical point in the year which won’t be repeated because the 7 bedder will have been sold. All this crap about ‘listen to the children’. They’re being wet because you are. Don’t be so po-faced - join in, lighten up, be graceful to your hosts and give the girls your room as a daytime escape place.

And if that conversation (99% chance) goes south and hosts take offence, get the strop with her girls and refuse to budge? Then what? Would you grant the OP would be justified to leave, then?