Leaving family Christmas and taking my children home

[GinLou]

Between my partner and I we have 8 kids, we were never together when they were little so although it's a lot it doesn't always feel like it. We've been together 5 years, his wife passed and my children's dad isn't involved.
Christmas for the last 2 years was all the kids (or those who wanted to come home) at ours for a low key day centred around food and PJs, this is how it's always been. This year his parents are selling their house, it's the house he grew up in and they invited everyone over. It's a large 7 bed but a lot of the adult children have got hotels, but are here from breakfast to gone midnight. There's 26 people all in.
This Christmas is very different to ours, a lot of drinking, TikTok dancing, games, chatter you name it. It's never quiet and definitely not chill. There's also no way to avoid it, there are 3 rooms available in the day the sitting room, the snug and the conservatory. The youngest group 13-18/19 seem to all be pushed into the snug, the adult children 19-26ish in the conservatory/dining room and the adults (partners parents, siblings and the such) in the sitting room. Obviously there's lots of mixing too but this has been the default most of the 2 days so far. It's overwhelming and I'm an adult!!

Tonight 2 of my 3 children came to me (13 and 15) and expressed they aren't having fun they want to go home. DD was crying saying it's too much and she's tired, we are due to be here until the 27th.
I think the issue is they don't know these people, the in jokes, the history etc. lots of mention of partners late wife which makes me uncomfortable and DD said it makes her feel weird.

I called my own mum and told her everything and she suggested we just come home and go there, it will just be them, my sister, her son but they have enough to feed 12 my mum thinks.

I'm so tempted!! I hate all this loud noisy fun, all the games are tedious, TikTok dances make me cringe and I don't feel included.

I haven't spoken to my partner yet, but I'm thinking of suggesting my kids and I leave tomorrow and have a quiet Christmas with my family then we can celebrate together on the 28th when we are all home.
DS is 17 and seems to be having a nice time so I'd ask him if he wants to stay but I know my girls want to go home.

AIBU to be considering this?

Just read some of the extreme responses on this thread. Goodness.

sometimes we all have to do things we don’t want to do. Before leaving there should be an attempt to make compromises. The teens should not have to eat breakfast so early. If they are having trouble with the sleeping arrangements this needs looking at. They need space to go out and do their own thing and have some quiet time at the house. it is always best to make some compromises before taking dramatic action.

Miserable childhood are made up of many abusive things. Having to do something that isn’t much fun for a couple of days, is not abusive. You could still listen to your daughters, empathise and discuss together how you’re going to make the next two days bearable and the fun things you will do when you leave on boxing day.

Leave , music until 2am and breakfast at 9 am sharp? Sounds rubbish to be honest. Tell your dp that one of the dc is ill and need to go home.

What sort of person objects to a deceased family member being remembered at Christmas?

Some quite extreme views being thrown around here. Anyone using the word abusive has clearly never dealt with actual child abuse. As PP have said, hopefully there are ways to make things a bit more comfortable for your children. The sleeping arrangements are just bizarre.

I’m sorry you’re having to go through this at Christmas, but definitely leave on Boxing Day and don’t make the same mistake next year!

There are many many situations where "discussing and negotiating" would be pointless or actively dangerous.

In the context of work or friendships?! I also said most situations which obviously leaves space for the situations that don’t fit the usual scenarios which I think would cover actively dangerous situations! But it’s irrelevant as the OP is not actively endangering herself by having a convo first is she so why tie yourself in knots?

Standard Way according to who? There is no Standard Way of living life.

There are societal norms or is this news to you?

Some quite extreme views being thrown around here. Anyone using the word abusive has clearly never dealt with actual child abuse

Its incredibly offensive to actual victims of abuse.

I think this is where a little white lie is needed. One of you and your kids needs to start feeling 'very under the weather' and just wants to go home and sleep in their own bed.

I would really struggle with this environment too - sometimes you just want to sit quietly and read a book, watch a film. This sounds way too much.

God ya. Sure everyone knows it's never the uncle the nephew the family friend.
The most important thing is they aren't offended sure.
Dear god you are the reason this shit happens.
I wouldn't have my dds there for a single night.

OP isn’t objecting to mentions of deceased wife - just saying it makes her feel ‘uncomfortable’ and her daughter feel ‘weird’. She’s only human. Christmas can stir a whole range of emotions, and it’s important to be honest, at least with oneself (and Mumsnet!).

Sending big hugs, OP! Go to your parents’, if you think it best.

And?
Given we’re on page 13, I don’t see any point in commenting on the main focus, as it’s been done to death from multiple viewpoints.
The OP included this as part of her issue, it didn’t seem to be commented on much, so I added my comment on the part that hadn’t been done to death.
I’m married to a widower and our Xmases (and other days, but Xmas is especially a “memories” day) is full of, “oh god - do you remember when mum thought she’d lost the turkey?” happy memories.
I think it’s really odd - and quite sad - that 5 years in, OP and her children are uncomfortable with her being mentioned.

.

They’re in a situation that even adults would be uncomfortable in and would choose to leave and/or go to a hotel.

Even staying in a hotel, people would be calling the front desk if the room next to them was making noise at 1 am.

Staying in a room with no privacy , not getting much sleep, having to get up earlier and queue for the loo and the shower to change in which would have to be done quickly in a full house (depending on the number of bathrooms) to be ready for breakfast and having to socialise with people you have never met who already know each other.

Ideally stick it out, OP, but if you're desperate, get on to X / local Facebook and see if anyone nearby has a positive Covid test they can let you have, then one of you develop a slight cough. Your hosts will think you are being very reasonable if you decide to leave to prevent the rest of the family from catching it.

In your situation I would book a hotel room for you and your DDs so that everyone gets some proper sleep tonight and a bit of quiet time. It would be very rude to leave to go to your mother’s house before Christmas Day is over.

Can your daughters sleep in your room with you and make DH sleep in the snug? Music til 2am then early breakfast means they have no sleep and I would hate it. Only if you decide to stay though I think saying you’re going as the daughter have no privacy or sleep is ok. Or they pay for a hotel if they want you to stay. I would have only rocked up today and left Boxing Day if this was the set up

I wonder if the OP hasn't come back as she is driving the 200 miles to her parents.

You can easily fake a covid test. Get two tests pop them open. Cut the strip in half put the extra control section over the test section. It all glued together one wet.

No, but it does indicate that she is expecting other people's Christmases to revolve around her and her little princesses to a degree that is not realistic, or reasonable.

I don't think the OP is being self-centred @furryfrontbottom . The hosts have failed to cater for her DDs properly and are effectively subjecting them to sleep deprivation and stress. As the youngest, I would have expected the adults to behave more considerately towards them. Isn't Christmas supposed to revolve around children? But if they can somehow manage to stick it out with a room change, so much the better in terms of family relations.

Please take them and go. I had these types but it was just family only but a lot of us. Hated, hated it. So now we stay firmly at home and if anyone wants to pop by they can but we go the quiet route. Not everyone enjoys the 'more the merrier'.

This.

The inlaws sound incredible actually. They are having to manage all of this and feed all those people. I wonder how much it's costing them. Also, it really isn't easy to keep teens happy and it sounds as though the teens are having an amazing time. If I was you op, in the event that you do decide to leave, I would lavish praise on the inlaws and make it clear that leaving has nothing to do with their hosting. But I think that others have given you more positive options than leaving right away. Hope it all works out.

Fake illness, pack your bags and get the hell out of there. Let your 17 yo stay if they want to.

For goodness sake I am not saying there isn't a danger hypothetically only that it would be a serious error of judgement to give it as a reason for leaving. No good would come from that when there is zero andication that ANY such incident has occurred.

I am the reason this shit happens am I? Not sexual predators and abusers, OK then 🙄

Absolutely, others here are describing them as torturers virtually. OK, it's not the OP's vibe but the error was largely hers in accepting this invitation in the first place. They clearly tried to be inclusive and have gone to enormous trouble and expensive, they are not the bad guys here.

Just take your kids and go, today. Fake illness if you think it's necessary or just admit it's too much and overwhelming for you and your children. Why would you queue every morning for the bathroom when you could be at home using your own. Leave now, it sounds horrendous.

Merry Christmas 🤶