Leaving family Christmas and taking my children home

[GinLou]

Between my partner and I we have 8 kids, we were never together when they were little so although it's a lot it doesn't always feel like it. We've been together 5 years, his wife passed and my children's dad isn't involved.
Christmas for the last 2 years was all the kids (or those who wanted to come home) at ours for a low key day centred around food and PJs, this is how it's always been. This year his parents are selling their house, it's the house he grew up in and they invited everyone over. It's a large 7 bed but a lot of the adult children have got hotels, but are here from breakfast to gone midnight. There's 26 people all in.
This Christmas is very different to ours, a lot of drinking, TikTok dancing, games, chatter you name it. It's never quiet and definitely not chill. There's also no way to avoid it, there are 3 rooms available in the day the sitting room, the snug and the conservatory. The youngest group 13-18/19 seem to all be pushed into the snug, the adult children 19-26ish in the conservatory/dining room and the adults (partners parents, siblings and the such) in the sitting room. Obviously there's lots of mixing too but this has been the default most of the 2 days so far. It's overwhelming and I'm an adult!!

Tonight 2 of my 3 children came to me (13 and 15) and expressed they aren't having fun they want to go home. DD was crying saying it's too much and she's tired, we are due to be here until the 27th.
I think the issue is they don't know these people, the in jokes, the history etc. lots of mention of partners late wife which makes me uncomfortable and DD said it makes her feel weird.

I called my own mum and told her everything and she suggested we just come home and go there, it will just be them, my sister, her son but they have enough to feed 12 my mum thinks.

I'm so tempted!! I hate all this loud noisy fun, all the games are tedious, TikTok dances make me cringe and I don't feel included.

I haven't spoken to my partner yet, but I'm thinking of suggesting my kids and I leave tomorrow and have a quiet Christmas with my family then we can celebrate together on the 28th when we are all home.
DS is 17 and seems to be having a nice time so I'd ask him if he wants to stay but I know my girls want to go home.

AIBU to be considering this?

“lots of mention of partners late wife which makes me uncomfortable and DD said it makes her feel weird.”

You’ve been with him 5 years and yet you’re uncomfortable at his children talking about their late mum?

Yes I agree and have said as much but with the caveat that they don’t want to put anyone eise out, they are happy to go and have somewhere to go because they don’t ultimately want to ruin their Christmas

Those that think OP and children should suffer because, er, um.... they chose to go there. For no real actual reason other than that, if a talk fails to achieve any results, and only ends up making the atmosphere poisonous, does OP and her daughters THEN have the right to go somewhere they are wanted?

Not sure why you're classed as an adult but everyone else is classed as a child, especially the 19-26 year olds. With the youngest bring 13 it would, to me, be seen as an adults Christmas.

My partner and I also have 9 children between us, plus the partners and children, so I understand how it can be stifling but surely they all know each other?

@SoreAndTired1 Of course. If a compromise can't be met, then leaving is a good solution. But at least they've then actually had a conversation.

They may actually be reasonable people. They might just think this is how Christmas is done.

No, that's a very black and white way of looking at the world.

Certainly in some situations, the best course of action is to discuss and negotiate.

There are many many situations where "discussing and negotiating" would be pointless or actively dangerous.

That's why black and white "one size fits all" solutions are not mature, it takes maturity to be able to comprehend that every situation as unique, assess every situation separately, and figure out the right solution for that specific situation, rather than just blindly going "well I'll handle every single problem the exact same way, because that's the Standard Way."

Standard Way according to who? There is no Standard Way of living life.

@SoreAndTired1 And why should this discussion make the atmosphere poisonous?

Why on earth are you assuming it's OP's stepchildren?

Only two of the OP's stepchildren are present and presumably OP either lives with her stepchildren or spends lots of time with them.

It's pretty obvious it's not the children mentioning their mum, it's the dad's parents or siblings mentioning their former daughter/sister-in-law.

Because as I said, the hosts will more than likely take offence. Lets be honest here, they do not sound flexible or reasonable. Their own son isn't even allowed to help himself in his own childhood home! Think about it. These are rigid hosts who tell people what and when they'll eat and drink. They don't cater to their guests, they make it clear the guests fit in with them. And I think more than likely they will feel like they're being insulted. They will then be awkward with OP and the girls.

You are extrapolating a lot from a tiny bit of information. If I was hosting that many people, I wouldn't want to spend hours every morning as a short order cook, either. Why hasn't OP gone and got a couple of pastries or something that they can eat later?

Of course the kids go in the snug, they are the youngest. That's normal in a lot of families.

Partner and me.

Just seen how many people are there OP. In your shoes I would leave, but honestly don't think I'd have accepted the invite in the first place. Have a quite chat with in laws and partner, then take the kids go to your mums. No blame etc. Just isn't working for the kids.

Do what you & your children want to do to be happy. You’re not abandoning anyone there’s loads of them and they’ll all be having a great noisy time. Life’s too short OP xx

YANBU but leaving today will leave a lot of bad feeling. Why don’t you swap rooms - your dds have your room and you and your partner sleep in the snug as you will likely be up later than them and then they have a room to escape to during the day. The chaos aside, there is nothing worse than staying over somewhere and not having your own space. I’d be fed up too.

No, I'm not. Who said anything about the hosts needing to cook? That's my whole point! The son should feel comfortable to help himself, so should all guests. They should be able to make a tea/coffee/toast when they want. Why aren't they allowed to 'make yourself at home and help yourselves'?

It sounds hellish. But leaving before the Big Day is too much of a statement and will become a talking point and begrudged. Stay till Boxing Day and never do this again.

Swop the rooms around so that your daughters can get a bit more sleep and some privacy - whoever is still up playing music at 2pm should sleep in the snug. Maybe take yourself and DDs out for a long walk, Christmas Eve carol service etc. Leave on Boxing Day.

There’s some real drama going on about the girls being unsafe. Ridiculous. If they’re unsafe, I assume the OP would not even be in the same house. That said, they’re at a delicate age and they’re uncomfortable and their views should be heard.

There are some things OP could do to mitigate the problem. She could at least ask. If they say no, then maybe it does suit everyone for them to leave. It’s weird to up and leave without trying to see if it can be fixed.

You’re latching onto something really minor. This isn’t the main focus of the OP is it.

Exactly my point. Stupid in-laws to have allowed this. Tell your in-laws this is not on. Either the snug is closed at 10 pm and no-one goes in there until the girl are up and gone, or the girls sleep somewhere else - somewhere else would be best. What the hell was anyone thinking to put two teenage girls in a room anyone can walk into? Are they nuts?

It's too late. You are there. It would be really rude to leave. They will have a lot more to put up with in life than three days of noise.

I wish OP would return and say what she and her partner have decided.

It's never too late to leave a place you don't feel welcome or happy. Never. You don't have to stay and be a martyr, and make your children miserable and teach them their comfort means nothing. It's really rude of the hosts, leaving and putting your children first is NOT rude.

It's really rude - and several other things - to have put two teenage girls in a room that is used till 2 a.m. and is not private for them, and people come in earlyish in the morning to get them up and out. Honestly, does no-one know anything about teenage girls, safeguarding, teenage boys, and privacy and dignity for girls in this family? And it's not the noise, it's the lack of privacy for two girls going through puberty.

You and your DP swap rooms with your girls, so they get some privacy and sleep. As adults sleeping in the snug, you will have the confidence and authority to tell the teens / young adults to pipe down when it gets late.