Leaving family Christmas and taking my children home

[GinLou]

Between my partner and I we have 8 kids, we were never together when they were little so although it's a lot it doesn't always feel like it. We've been together 5 years, his wife passed and my children's dad isn't involved.
Christmas for the last 2 years was all the kids (or those who wanted to come home) at ours for a low key day centred around food and PJs, this is how it's always been. This year his parents are selling their house, it's the house he grew up in and they invited everyone over. It's a large 7 bed but a lot of the adult children have got hotels, but are here from breakfast to gone midnight. There's 26 people all in.
This Christmas is very different to ours, a lot of drinking, TikTok dancing, games, chatter you name it. It's never quiet and definitely not chill. There's also no way to avoid it, there are 3 rooms available in the day the sitting room, the snug and the conservatory. The youngest group 13-18/19 seem to all be pushed into the snug, the adult children 19-26ish in the conservatory/dining room and the adults (partners parents, siblings and the such) in the sitting room. Obviously there's lots of mixing too but this has been the default most of the 2 days so far. It's overwhelming and I'm an adult!!

Tonight 2 of my 3 children came to me (13 and 15) and expressed they aren't having fun they want to go home. DD was crying saying it's too much and she's tired, we are due to be here until the 27th.
I think the issue is they don't know these people, the in jokes, the history etc. lots of mention of partners late wife which makes me uncomfortable and DD said it makes her feel weird.

I called my own mum and told her everything and she suggested we just come home and go there, it will just be them, my sister, her son but they have enough to feed 12 my mum thinks.

I'm so tempted!! I hate all this loud noisy fun, all the games are tedious, TikTok dances make me cringe and I don't feel included.

I haven't spoken to my partner yet, but I'm thinking of suggesting my kids and I leave tomorrow and have a quiet Christmas with my family then we can celebrate together on the 28th when we are all home.
DS is 17 and seems to be having a nice time so I'd ask him if he wants to stay but I know my girls want to go home.

AIBU to be considering this?

There are many posters on this thread I hope never, ever EVER become parents, because they would be abusive to children.

Equally, you could say there are many who shouldn't become parents because they will rise spoilt entitled brats who always get what they want.

The hyperbole and frothing is ridiculous. These aren't small children' they are teenagers who should be able to find a compromise for this short time regardless of what sex they are.

Her girls want to leave. Leaving, is not 'running away'. Leaving, is not cowardly. Leaving, is putting their needs first and is brave.

Telling teenage girls they're not forced to stay in a situation where their needs are being ignored is not "running away."

You think leaving is "cowardly" I think the only way OP can put her children's needs first IS to leave.

This isn't some feminist debate club, it's a real situation. There realistically probably is no way to "advocate for her girls' needs" successfully in this situation given the various factors.

I'm also alarmed by the idea that women are expected to be forced to make a case for their rights all the time, rather than simply putting themselves first. Women don't owe anyone an explanation or a debate, and lots of people try to force women/girls into a debate as a tactic to deny them rights.

YABU

You need to stay for Xmas day.

I would go home on Boxing Day and tell your kids that you’ll have your own calm Xmas day on Boxing Day morning instead.

You have made plans and you do need to stick to them for the most important part.

I think it would also be very unfair to your mum to have to stretch out the food that she’s bought because you want to change your plans last minute.

There’s no way I could cater to an extra 4/5 people at the last minute and this will cause your mum unnecessary stress and worry.

No one here has ever said kids should always get what they want. A child that is feeling down, tired and miserable and needs sleep and to feel comfortable - paying attention to that is not going to turn them into 'spoilt brats'. It's called being a decent mother, and not being neglectful.

Don't lie. Explain that the sleeping arrangements are inappropriate, unsafe and show the DDs a lack of consideration for their dignity and privacy. Boys are ok with this sort of arrangement so they sleep in the snug.

Wow so now girls going through puberty not wanting loads of strangers (presumably male and female strangers) in their bedroom till 2am is being a "spoilt entitled brat."

It's not demanding the DCs should do what they want. Two teenage girls should not be in a room downstairs on their own, and then be walked in on in the morning by anyone. That's not safe. Say so and that DDs are unhappy (and probably embarrassed etc, too).

@AppleChristsBirthdayMacchiato again I think your comprehension is lacking. Not speaking up & simply running away is not a valid lesson in my eyes but you do you.

I'm also alarmed by the idea that women are expected to be forced to make a case for their rights all the time, rather than simply putting themselves first

In the real world if you’re not happy about a situation in a relationship, a friendship, the workplace etc it’s a lot more practical & logical to vocalise that rather than just go mute & run away. Putting yourself first doesn’t have to equal run away.

Your poor girls! They sound exhausted and overwhelmed. Can your partner move into the room with his sons and the girls move into the room with you for the rest of your stay? It would give them some privacy and quiet away from the madness and space to recover. Plus you'd all three have some fun, but peaceful christmasy time together.

I understand about the PIL being strict about meal times, otherwise there would chaos with never ending meals and grazing. Can you take some snacks up for breakfast them the night before instead?

It sounds like hell on earth to me. I would struggle with that number of people for 1 day never mind an extended period living with them 😩

I mean the OP literally said this

I think the issue is they don't know these people, the in jokes, the history etc. lots of mention of partners late wife which makes me uncomfortable and DD said it makes her feel weird

She didn’t even originally mention the late nights, cramped sleeping arrangements….

In the real world, the girls HAVE spoken up. They want to leave. The practical conclusion of that, is.... leaving. Leaving, is not 'running away'. Leaving, is the solution after the girls have spoken up. Where on earth are you getting 'running away' from?!?? The girls spoke up. They've vocalised it. Leaving, is the necessary step. There is no 'running away' in this scenario.

Leaving, is not 'running away'. Leaving, is not cowardly. Leaving, is putting their needs first and is brave

Leaving without saying anything & having any kind of discussion is cowardly. Just own it!

Yes she most certainly did!! She said the below, before she even got to the late wife.

"It's never quiet and definitely not chill. There's also no way to avoid it, there are 3 rooms available in the day the sitting room, the snug and the conservatory. The youngest group 13-18/19 seem to all be pushed into the snug, the adult children 19-26ish in the conservatory/dining room and the adults (partners parents, siblings and the such) in the sitting room. Obviously there's lots of mixing too but this has been the default most of the 2 days so far. It's overwhelming and I'm an adult!!

Tonight 2 of my 3 children came to me (13 and 15) and expressed they aren't having fun they want to go home. DD was crying saying it's too much and she's tired, we are due to be here until the 27th."

In the real world, the girls HAVE spoken up.

yeah, their mum needs to speak up which is the point because they feel they can’t.

There is no 'running away' in this scenario.

Well yes they are running away from discussion or confrontation. Not a good message but as I said you do you.

@SoreAndTired1 where does that passage mention sleeping arrangements or late night music?

Her daughters have already spoken up to their mother. They've already said something. They've had the discussion with their mother. No other discussion is needed.

And what else can be said to the oblivious, selfish and thoughtless hosts? Not only are the sleeping arrangements not safe for the girls, but OP's own partner doesn't even feel able to help himself at his parents house, they have to wait for his parents to even give them drink or food! That's non-negotiable, OP said, so just what, exactly, do you think saying anything to the non-negotiable unhospitable hosts will achieve?

It's never quiet or chill, and,

"The youngest group 13-18/19 seem to all be pushed into the snug, the adult children 19-26ish in the conservatory/dining room and the adults (partners parents, siblings and the such) in the sitting room. " - Sleeping arrangements.

Change sleeping arrangements to they get better sleep. Be upfront "DD1 & 2 are already finding the late nights too much, so DH and I will sleep in the snug and they can take our room". Then when you want to sleep, you politely ask the others to move to another room (Im thinking 11pm/midnight - not 8pm or 2am!).
They use your room on the daytime.
You go out (either with or without DC) for walks or whatever to get a break.
You tell your DC that you'll leave on boxing day for a quiet few days in their own space, but that its very difficult to leave before Christmas Day without either lying or insulting your hosts, who've worked hard to host Christmas even if its not what they would choose, and youre proud of them for managing so well. Tell them to escape to your room, stick with it, and it all feels much worse because theyre tired, but in 2 days time it'll be done and theyll have a brilliant rest-of-holiday.

Not only are the sleeping arrangements not safe for the girls,

I think it’s weird the OP doesn’t mention this. Personally I be far more uncomfortable with strangers walking into my dcs sleeping areas than mentions of someone who died.

They've had the discussion with their mother. No other discussion is needed.

Says you. The OP is going to just pack up & leave & not say a word about why she is doing so 🙄. I mean you can have your opinion I guess…

So 2 of your DC aged 13 & 15, have no bedroom but have to sleep in the snug which is where all the older teens are all day and very late at night so they have to wait until everyone leaves before they can go to bed? And you've another 3 days to endure this shit? Fuck that. Your DC shouldn't have to have a miserable Christmas just because it might appear rude to leave. Put them first. Go to your mum's.

And also, I agree that the sleeping arrangements are not safe for 2 young teenage girls. For that reason alone, I would be getting the hell out of there now.

@soreandtired "Not safe" is a huge leap! Not all teen girls are delicate petals who need their own penthouse.

And leaving is not the next step. Making adjustments to the sleeping arrangements and giving the girls a space to escape to during the day is the next step.

RUN! Go and see your Mum who wants you there.

If its all Chaos, there's someone in his family struggling to make this work and having three less people is a boon to them.
Three less people at the table is nothing in a house party of that size, they will secretly be grateful. I would. There are so many people in the house, any leftovers due to your absence will soon be eaten up.
You've explained it so well on here, I'm sure your partner would understand.
Its not that you don't like them, its just overwhelming to be at such close quarters when you are not really that well acquainted or familiar. This would give your partner more chance to socialise with close family members without feeling guilty. Its an end of a era thing for them all, let them get on with it

You've been there two days already and that's a long enough visit.

It must be bewildering for your kids having to socialise so closely and for such a long time with people they don't really know. They must feel like real hangers on.
I think you've done your duty and any more is inflicting it on your DDs why should they go through this just for fear of causing offence.

They have come to you begging to go home. I think you should listen to them. Their dissatisfaction with being forced into this situation will grow and grow.
If people are offended so be it. They may not be. Don't endure it when you don't even know, how they will feel. Just as you and DDs feel like strangers amongst them, they may, without any ill will, be feeling the same.
One of your DD feeling "unwell" is perfect excuse. No need to announce it, apologise quietly to host and slip away.