I said something awful to my DH

[Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6]

My DH has spent the majority of the day winding me up and annoying me on purpose.

I told him to stop as he was peeing me off and we started bickering. He thinks this is funny to do even when I tell him to stop.

I lost my temper and told him that I hope someone spits on him in work.

I'm mortified I said something so vile. I don't know where it came from.

I have a lot of anger in me at the moment for various things and ongoing mental health issues.

Waiting for treatment (not that this is an excuse.)

I apologised and he's gone out to watch the football all OK.

I'm ashamed and disgusted.

Isn't it fortunate that the solution to both his arsehole behaviour and her retaliation is the same? Break up.

And if you don't like us lot, there is a whole internet full of apologists for violence against women. And abuse and misogyny. It's most of the internet, should be easy to find.

Wonder if your mental health would improve if you where away from him. Before upping your medication, try surrounding yourself with supportive people and having some space from him.

I've been on here for years and I've never said this...LTB. Seriously. I wouldn't put up with his behaviour for one day never mind for years. He doesn't deserve you.

I don't know how to leave. I don't have any money.

I can't go home.

I can't go my sisters.

I could go my friends for a day or so.

Plus I have my cat.

Hmmm...me no like him

@Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 it's because you've been beaten down for so long you feel stuck. Start talking and seeking help from those you trust most and call the domestic abuse hotline for guidance. Here's two, but there are others.

https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/crime-info/types-crime/domestic-abuse/#:~:text=National%20Domestic%20Abuse%20Helpline%3A%2024,support%20for%20women%20and%20children

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Why do you have no money?

You both work. Can you explain more about that?

@Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6

So you mind if I ask why you can't go home or to your sister's? I'm not prying. I only ask because I'm wondering if this abusive man has alienated you from them or them from you. Has he picked fights with them and then demanded you 'take his side'? Has he told you they 'hate' you or 'make fun of you behind your back'? Has he told you nasty things they supposedly said about you? OR, have they tried to tell you to leave and you weren't in the right place to hear it so you cut them off? If any of this rings true, please reach out to them. I know they're waiting and praying for your call. Yes, you may have to hear 'We told you so' more than once, but it will be worth it if they're able to offer you any support at all, even emotional support.

Obviously if the above doesn't ring true to you, if you are not in contact with your family because of past abuse or bad treatment from them, then now is not the time to reach out. But just be sure that if you have had 'bad treatment' from them that none of it can be laid at your husband's door due to his actions or words.

Contact WA, Rights of Women, and any other organization in your area that helps abused women. And please be open to all options they offer you. There IS a way out for you, you just have to find it.

You know how you read a thread as a stranger and you have all the answers - but when it happens to you, you think “well yes that’s them, I’m ok. I don’t need help” etc.

imagine reading this. How are you married to someone with a well paying job but you don’t have the money to get away?

as an outsider you don’t sound safe. Please contact women’s aid and talk to them - I bet you 50p no one has ever rung EVER and been told they are wasting their time. They’ll have a talk with you and you can speak in confidence about how things really are and perhaps they might help you see further steps.

I don't have money as all our savings have gone into renovating our house, we went on holiday and now it's Christmas. All this has been since August.

I can't go to my sisters as she's in the middle of her own mess. I've been supporting her. She does need me more than I need her at the moment. Her situation involves her child. I cannot add more stress. Plus she has the added worry of Mum.

As for my parents, I can go home of course. But I don't want to as it would make my mum worry and she's very ill.

I'd rather tell her when I'm sorted. She has always told me I'm welcome to come home when confided in her previously. She couldn't have my cat there either and I'm not leaving her.

If I had money to start a new life elsewhere I would go now. I've tried talking to him and he's laughed it off, doesn't see an issue or why I snapped.

Serves him right for being a dickhead.

You said it you can't change that but justifying it doesn't make it better

And if a man said it there would be talk of redflags, gaslighting, causing anxiety and abuse

Get out!!!! Or spend the rest of ur life with a bully, wearing u down. U will figure it all out as u go... There is NO HOPE for this relationship, he is vile. Go now, while u still can!

Right so you don’t have the money available to hand. You do, however, have the ability to save up and plan to leave. That’s good.

You can’t stay with a bully to not worry your mum though. She wouldn’t want that. She wouldn’t want you staying somewhere so awful to not worry her, even when very ill.

It’s likely she knows you aren’t happy anyway. people close to us pick up on these things. They don’t want to say out loud because they worry we will distance ourselves and be even more alone.

Yes she has to be honest. Even on the phone she knows something is wrong.

I will leave after New Year if he doesn't listen once and for all to what I'm saying.

I mean it. I can't do it anymore. I'm invisible.

I really really think your DM would rather you went home to her than stayed where you are just so she doesn't worry.

I can pretty much guarantee that she worries about you already lovey, if she's told you you can come home. It would probably be a huge relief if she knows you're home with her and safe.

Any chance your sister or friend could have your cat for a little bit while you get sorted?

I will leave after New Year if he doesn't listen once and for all to what I'm saying.

You know he isn't willing to listen to you. He doesn't like you. He doesn't care.

He does, however, want to control you. Telling him you're going to leave if [whatever] is giving him a tool by which to control you. He won't want you to leave, because he gets satisfaction and pleasure from bullying you. If you go, he will have to find someone else to bully. And that's going to make him really fucking angry.

The only way out of this is to make your plan, commit to it, and leave when he isn't expecting it. When he's at work. You can start moving out paperwork, passport, birth cert and bank account stuff now - ask your sister to keep them safe for you. Gather as much money as you can without him knowing. Have you got anything you can sell? Take that with you.

Do not let him suspect anything. I know you think that you want to give him a chance to prove that he is really the same person who you fell in love with, but he was NEVER that person. The time he was kind and loving towards you was purely to hook you in. Now he's got you, it's all bullying and abuse. That kind, loving person is never ever coming back.

Please just get away safely. It gets so much easier once you're out.

I mean this kindly because I have been where you are.

You won’t leave. You are still holding on to the hope that he will change and he won’t. You are still waiting for him to be a decent human being to you.

I think you need to explore that. Why, in the face of all the evidence, you would prefer to be miserable so you can hold onto the ‘one day he will change’.

Not judging. It just is what it is.

Make a concrete plan for your cat, getting her fostered.

Move back to your parents, can you imagine their relief and joy that you have escaped a miserable marriage?

When you leave he will promise the Earth!! He doesn't mean it though. He works in a culture that is predominantly full of male ego & misogyny it's who he is.

You say “But I don’t want to as it would make my mum worry”
and in a later post you say your mum knows something is wrong.
As a mum I can tell you, your mum is already worried!! She’s probably out of her mind with worry.
If you leave him (and I pray you do) it may ease your mums worry.

You reacted.

Now is not a good time for you 💐.

The bottom line is he needs to have the common sense to know when to back off.

You need support, and not ridicule.

Stupid question, but do you love this man, pixie?

Do you go to work? Is it a job you could do from anywhere? I think you are right to think of leaving, but I would be very wary of telling him in advance.

I do love him.

But it's on the way out if I'm honest. We nearly broke up on holiday.

My mum knows what's gone on over the years so I know she worries. I will sort it.