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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I said something awful to my DH

237 replies

Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 · 23/12/2023 16:37

My DH has spent the majority of the day winding me up and annoying me on purpose.

I told him to stop as he was peeing me off and we started bickering. He thinks this is funny to do even when I tell him to stop.

I lost my temper and told him that I hope someone spits on him in work.

I'm mortified I said something so vile. I don't know where it came from.

I have a lot of anger in me at the moment for various things and ongoing mental health issues.

Waiting for treatment (not that this is an excuse.)

I apologised and he's gone out to watch the football all OK.

I'm ashamed and disgusted.

OP posts:
hellsBells246 · 23/12/2023 19:09

My DH has spent the majority of the day winding me up and annoying me on purpose.

Now THAT's abusive. Why does he do that? Is he 11? I couldn't be arsed being with someone like that. He should apologise, not you.

hellsBells246 · 23/12/2023 19:11

Just read the rest of your posts. He sounds fucking awful, op.

He's supposed to be the one who has your back and loves you more than anyone. But he's an uncaring, lazy, selfish wank badger.

I'd divorce him. Thank God you have no dc.

Imagine feeling so at peace every day without him!

Sending you a handhold - you have a lot going on in your life 💐

hellsBells246 · 23/12/2023 19:13

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 23/12/2023 19:03

Don't bother wita a letter, there's no point. This is who he is. No one needs a TV and a radio on the same time, that's ridiculous. It honestly sounds like he's intentionally torturing you.

If he is, it's because he enjoys it. Let that sink in for a minute, he enjoys causing you distress. He's supposed to love you! Doesn't sound much like it to me!

It really does sound like he is the cause of your mental ill health. If you doubt that, look at how you felt when he'd been gone for 5 days.

If I were you, with no DC in the mix, I'd pack up the car with anything important or precious, the cat, and any Christmas stuff you want, and I'd go to your DM and DF for Xmas. I wouldn't come back. And I'd start divorce proceedings asap in the new year.

This!

Fivepigeons · 23/12/2023 19:16

Why are you being so hard on yourself? Honestly I would've said worse.. he sounds annoying af..

And it sounds like you are having a very difficult time during which he's not supporting you

WowOK · 23/12/2023 19:18

He's baiting you on purpose. He wanted a reaction and he got one. You snapped. Honestly, I think you need to leave the relationship. If this carrys on you won't like yourself.

Snowdogsmitten · 23/12/2023 19:18

Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 · 23/12/2023 16:39

Do you not think it was abusive

He was, yes.

Seeingadistance · 23/12/2023 19:18

mottytotty · 23/12/2023 16:49

You just know he is the twat here. Why can’t he clean and pick up his things and sort his own family’s presents?

I suspect he is the reason for your mental health issues.

Leave the bastard and your mental health issues will get better.

Show quote history

I agree.

Americano75 · 23/12/2023 19:19

@Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 sweetheart, I just want to grab you and get you out of there. I hate saying this, but he's never going to change. Trust me, he's not capable of it. Is there anywhere you can go?

Missingmyusername · 23/12/2023 19:21

Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 · 23/12/2023 16:41

He is police

Then your wish may come true.. oops! It wasn’t that bad. I don’t think it was abusive.

Nanny0gg · 23/12/2023 19:23

dannyufcfan · 23/12/2023 19:07

Amazed at some of the stuff people worry about on this site.

For example?

CommonOrNot · 23/12/2023 19:24

he’ll live. He sounds like an insensitive twat faced cunt anyway so he’s got off easy.

beastlyslumber · 23/12/2023 19:25

Leave him. You don't have kids. Leave him. He's a horrible bully and he clearly hates you and wants to control you. He is abusing you.

Don't write him a letter. That will just give him ammunition. Put your energies into working out how you leave him and when. Do you have friends or family you can trust to help you? He probably won't let you go easily, it might have to be done when he's at work and you just leave a note. You know best what will work, but err on the side of caution and be safe.

Brexile · 23/12/2023 19:26

If he's been winding you up all day when you told him to stop, I hope somebody spits in his face too.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 23/12/2023 19:28

KylieJennersMakeUpSponge · 23/12/2023 16:45

FGS it’s barely an insult.

Show quote history

If OP was on here saying that "My DH said to me I hope someone spits at you in work" it'd soon be an insult!!!. I can't abide double standards and I say that as a women.

Seeingadistance · 23/12/2023 19:28

KylieJennersMakeUpSponge · 23/12/2023 16:44

Fucking hell OP RELAX. This is so not even remotely on the spectrum of offensive things to say to a spouse. In fact it’s pathetically inadequate as an insult - if my DH does this (stands behind doors and scares me, puts his teaspoon on my arm after stirring his tea etc) I’m more likely to tell him I hope someone shits in his coffee at work. And I’m not remotely sorry 🤣

How likely is it that someone will actually shit in your DH's coffee?

Meatymeatytimetoeaty · 23/12/2023 19:37

Winding someone up is a colloquial way of saying making someone angry.
So he's deliberately trying to make you angry, what kind of person does that?
I hope you leave him OP. Read up on the grey rock method, I think you'll need it.

FrancisSeaton · 23/12/2023 19:37

CommonOrNot · 23/12/2023 19:24

he’ll live. He sounds like an insensitive twat faced cunt anyway so he’s got off easy.

THIS!

Ginnnny · 23/12/2023 19:40

He sounds like an arsehole!

Summasolstice · 23/12/2023 19:42

He is police

probably deserves it then tbh

KylieJennersMakeUpSponge · 23/12/2023 19:43

Seeingadistance · 23/12/2023 19:28

How likely is it that someone will actually shit in your DH's coffee?

Show quote history

Not likely but I was coming from a place of having a good sense of humour with my DH and I wouldn’t mean it literally!

Grammarnut · 23/12/2023 19:44

It wasn't a nice thing to say but it's done. What you need to think about is your reaction to him winding you up. My DH does this all the time and I rise to the bait every time. Try noticing when he is winding you up and don't respond. Just go on as if he is behaving properly. Should stop him, as the whole point of winding you up is getting a reaction. He got one so must be happy. I wouldn't worry about it any more. Refuse to be wound up, though.

dannyufcfan · 23/12/2023 19:45

Nanny0gg · 23/12/2023 19:23

For example?

Show quote history

This very thread! I thought she was going to say she wished him dead or something.

grumpycow1 · 23/12/2023 19:45

He’s abusive and it’s terrifying he’s in the police and potentially dealing with female rape/sa victims as a horrible misogynist.

Hope you get the strength to leave, you deserve way better.

IncompleteSenten · 23/12/2023 19:49

I think it was a ridiculous thing to say rather than abusive

JWhipple · 23/12/2023 19:50

Your husband sounds vile
you're having an awful time with your family and his idea of support is.... Bullying you? Making you feel worse?

Anyone would have problems with mental health in such circumstances.

And anyway don't think because you have MH issues you should settle for somebody who treats you so badly

Honestly, his behaviour is really not ok. I hope you have people in your life who can tell you this but...

This is not ok. This is not how a normal person thinks and behaves. This is not how people treat someone they care about.

I think the fact your automatic response is to blame yourself speaks volumes. He deserved a mouthful. He behaved in a way that made it likely he'd get it. Would he target his friends like this? Would they tolerate it? I'm guessing not. So why should you?

I hope he doesn't get spat on but I hope his next turd is a pinecone.

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