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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I said something awful to my DH

237 replies

Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 · 23/12/2023 16:37

My DH has spent the majority of the day winding me up and annoying me on purpose.

I told him to stop as he was peeing me off and we started bickering. He thinks this is funny to do even when I tell him to stop.

I lost my temper and told him that I hope someone spits on him in work.

I'm mortified I said something so vile. I don't know where it came from.

I have a lot of anger in me at the moment for various things and ongoing mental health issues.

Waiting for treatment (not that this is an excuse.)

I apologised and he's gone out to watch the football all OK.

I'm ashamed and disgusted.

OP posts:
Americano75 · 23/12/2023 17:34

Totally guessed he was a copper straight away. If my ex husband wasn't allergic to cats I'd have genuinely thought it was him.

FreshWinterMorning · 23/12/2023 17:34

Sounds like you and your DH are not suited @Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6

Your behaviour towards him was appalling, but his behaviour sounds a bit pathetic too.

MajesticWhine · 23/12/2023 17:35

He was winding you up all day and you have your limits. I would have said worse probably. Don't beat yourself up. You and your DH need to have a proper talk about what is going on and why he is trying to provoke you.

Velvetbee · 23/12/2023 17:36

He’s horrible, you would be so much happier if he didn’t pick pick pick at you. Can you leave?

Growlybear83 · 23/12/2023 17:38

Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 · 23/12/2023 16:39

Do you not think it was abusive

Of course that wasn't abusive! It was a mean comment said in anger and a bit strange but I would imagine most people have said very much worse, and I don't think I would believe anyone who said otherwise.

Justanothercatlady · 23/12/2023 17:38

He knows it’s not banter. He’s testing your boundaries to see just how far he can go, how isolated you can be and how much he can toy with you to make himself feel more powerful. Please, please get out of this relationship and you’ll see how much less stress you have.

Bbq1 · 23/12/2023 17:41

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 23/12/2023 16:41

What was he doing to annoy you on purpose? Surely its kind of his own fault for deliberately winding you up til you snap? You can't expect to deliberately irriate someone for an entire day and that they behave completely normally with you, surely?

Thing is if a man came on with the roles reversed and said it was the womans fault for "winding him up" everyone would be shouting LTB...

TwilightSkies · 23/12/2023 17:42

Typical copper behaviour! Domestic abuse is absolutely rife in the force.

He has messed with your head OP. Can you leave?

MrInbetween · 23/12/2023 17:43

My experience from women I know who are married or were married to police is that a lot of them can make terrible partners. Some really horrible characters

ThankYouVeryMuchGerry · 23/12/2023 17:43

He's being abusive not you. Leave him before it gets any worse. You deserve so much more than an abusive prick.

Lovetosleep1 · 23/12/2023 17:44

I sometimes get spat on in course of my working day and I don't think you've said anything terrible.

I do think his behaviour is awful and he should be ashamed of himself. You need to sit him down and tell him today was the last straw and if he doesn't change you're getting divorced. He likely won't change so you need to make a serious plan to leave and stick to it or you'll have a lifetime of this treatment. Your home should be your safe space.

Kitchenwitchery · 23/12/2023 17:47

What you've said is quite minor. I thought you were going to say you'd told him he had a small penis or something! The fact he's making what you said out to be so terrible is part of the horrible behaviours from him you've described. He's trying to make you feel bad about yourself on purpose in every way he can think of. He's vile.

TequilaNights · 23/12/2023 17:49

Don't tell me.... now your the bad one for what you said...?

SoFineOkay · 23/12/2023 17:50

Oh, come on. I have said much worse without any regret. Maybe now your childish DH can learn to respect you? Are you seriously just going to ignore his responsibility for provoking you an entire day? Stop apologising and tell him he brought it on himself. What is seriously wrong with women these days?

Toastandcoldsaltedbutter · 23/12/2023 17:50

He is emotionally unintelligent at best, abusive at worst. What you are going through with your mum is horrendous. I've always enjoyed piss-takey relationships, but in our house, the line is drawn when the other person stops enjoying it. After that's it's tantramount to bullying.

Fs365 · 23/12/2023 17:50

KylieJennersMakeUpSponge · 23/12/2023 16:44

Fucking hell OP RELAX. This is so not even remotely on the spectrum of offensive things to say to a spouse. In fact it’s pathetically inadequate as an insult - if my DH does this (stands behind doors and scares me, puts his teaspoon on my arm after stirring his tea etc) I’m more likely to tell him I hope someone shits in his coffee at work. And I’m not remotely sorry 🤣

Spitting is a massive problem for the police, that’s why they use anti-spit hoods, from common cold to Covid, how would you like it if your partner said I hope someone gobs on you today

caringcarer · 23/12/2023 17:51

Thementalloadisreal · 23/12/2023 16:40

Quite an odd thing to say really. Does he work in a role that people spit at?

Is that even likely?

WorriedMum231 · 23/12/2023 17:51

tomatoontoast · 23/12/2023 16:44

Well then what you said was disgusting.

You obviously know full well what a major issue spitting is.

Show quote history

lol it’s not that deep.

SoFineOkay · 23/12/2023 17:52

Fs365 · 23/12/2023 17:50

Spitting is a massive problem for the police, that’s why they use anti-spit hoods, from common cold to Covid, how would you like it if your partner said I hope someone gobs on you today

Show quote history

I would say: thank you, dear. Enjoy the lunch I packed you. And watch him sweat.

Viviennemary · 23/12/2023 17:52

He was being a pain and winding you up so he deserved what he got. He needs to stop this. No fun to live with that.

Lovemusic82 · 23/12/2023 17:54

NorthCliffs · 23/12/2023 17:15

I think I know the cause of your mental health problems ...

This 😬

You were not abusive OP, your DH is the abusive one. You have a lot on your plate and he feels it’s ok to wind you up? He’s probably the cause of your mental health issues. No one deserves to be treated like crap.

MsLavender · 23/12/2023 17:55

I think your response was tame actually considering him being an annoying prick knowing he was pissing you off and with everything you've got going on right now. He should be thankful you didn't pack his bags, I think I would have.

samqueens · 23/12/2023 17:56

Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 · 23/12/2023 16:39

Do you not think it was abusive

No - it’s an unkind comment said out of annoyance after being wound up…

The fact that you would ask that question is 🚩 though. Did your H suggest it was abusive of you?

incywincyspidery · 23/12/2023 17:56

If someone said that in our house it would completely defuse the argument. It's so left of field we'd just burst out laughing.
Reminds me of the time hubby and I were calling each other names and I called him something (forget what, it was years ago) and he hesitated, struggling to think of a suitable retort, and ending up blurting out "Lumpy wife!"
We ended up crying with laughter. He still calls me Lumpy sometimes now 😂

YoureALizardHarry11 · 23/12/2023 17:56

Christ it’s hardly the insult to end all insults is it? So random and could have been far worse, just forget it.