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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I said something awful to my DH

237 replies

Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 · 23/12/2023 16:37

My DH has spent the majority of the day winding me up and annoying me on purpose.

I told him to stop as he was peeing me off and we started bickering. He thinks this is funny to do even when I tell him to stop.

I lost my temper and told him that I hope someone spits on him in work.

I'm mortified I said something so vile. I don't know where it came from.

I have a lot of anger in me at the moment for various things and ongoing mental health issues.

Waiting for treatment (not that this is an excuse.)

I apologised and he's gone out to watch the football all OK.

I'm ashamed and disgusted.

OP posts:
ClairDeLaLune · 23/12/2023 18:23

Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 · 23/12/2023 16:59

I'm just exhausted.

But now I feel terrible I've said something vile like that.

He is infinitely more vile to you OP. What he’s doing isn’t banter, it’s abuse. I hate the word banter, it’s used by perpetrators to excuse bullying. I bet he tells you you can’t take a joke and you’ve got no sense of humour. Then he’s all offended when you say something extremely minor to him. I hope he gets spat on at work too. And I hope you leave him.

Mumof2NDers · 23/12/2023 18:25

Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 · 23/12/2023 16:48

Winding me up - talking over me, bossing me about, sarcy laugh when I told him to stop and that he was upsetting me, telling me to be quiet when I'm telling him what I've got on at the moment, invalidating my feelings, asking me what I've been doing with my time as been off for a week.

Sorry OP but he sounds like a prick!

Original poster
Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 · 23/12/2023 18:27

Thank you all.

I do know it wasn't great what I said.

I'm going to note some things down in a letter (will give to him after Xmas) as I can't live this way much longer.

I haven't had a moments peace in years. I dream about going to stay in a hotel for a few days.

He recently went to work in a different city (due to protests) for 5 days an I felt like I'd got myself back when he came home.

I'm autistic and have sensory overload. I've repeatedly asked him to keep the TV low (not on 25) and not have the radio on at the same time as I find it painful.

I'm actually quite hard of hearing so for me to be able to hear it in the first place it must be so loud for our neighbours.

He just gives the sarcastic laugh when I tell him. I've explained about how I need things tidy, he dismisses it.

Nothing I say or do gets through to him. When I think I've made it through a day later it's back to normal.

He actually calls me nagatron when I ask him to tidy up his stuff.

OP posts:
Thementalloadisreal · 23/12/2023 18:27

Sounds like he’s being very horrible but then when you snap painting you as the problem

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/12/2023 18:29

Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 · 23/12/2023 16:57

I have asked myself a lot recently why am I with him.

I don't know anymore.

I spend the bulk of his time at home peed off and angry.

Leave. Really seriously. You have no children. Your life would be immeasurably better without him.

And once you're alone, ask yourself why you think this kind of horrible behaviour is what you deserve. Because unless you look at that, you won't be able to have a good relationship.

2Orangesandlemons · 23/12/2023 18:33

My thoughts exactly.

Emotionalsupportviper · 23/12/2023 18:35

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/12/2023 18:29

I spend the bulk of his time at home peed off and angry.

Leave. Really seriously. You have no children. Your life would be immeasurably better without him.

And once you're alone, ask yourself why you think this kind of horrible behaviour is what you deserve. Because unless you look at that, you won't be able to have a good relationship.

Show quote history

Good advice.

You don't want to go on living like this, @Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 . The fact that you felt so free when he was away for a few days speaks volumes.

zombie0037 · 23/12/2023 18:39

If her partner said that to her, you lot would be saying it is abuse and she should leave him.

MahShinyShoes · 23/12/2023 18:40

He recently went to work in a different city (due to protests) for 5 days an I felt like I'd got myself back when he came home.

This is really telling OP.

DeeLusional · 23/12/2023 18:41

Another woman apologising for reacting to a man being unfeeling and unkind. STOP IT.

MahShinyShoes · 23/12/2023 18:42

zombie0037 · 23/12/2023 18:39

If her partner said that to her, you lot would be saying it is abuse and she should leave him.

"you lot"?

As in... Women?

HarleyNova · 23/12/2023 18:45

Says it all he is police. Police are an utter disgrace. They also tend to believe disgusting lying females and ruin peoples lives. I would tell him where to go. You deserve better than a sorry excuse for a human being.

turbonerd · 23/12/2023 18:45

I clicked YANBU because I think you were entirely reasonable to snap at him.
What truly awful behaviour of him to wind you up on purpose.

I had an ex who used to like doing that. An abusive ex.

Your H sounds fucking horrible.

Cwtshcwtsh · 23/12/2023 18:45

Well he sounds like an arse. What does he do for you? Does he ever take care of you? It wasn’t the best thing to have said but it’s indicative of your stress level. What’s he doing to help with that? Sorry OP, with all you have going on, you need some TLC and tenderness, not teasing.

turbonerd · 23/12/2023 18:48

Have read your updates.

OP - just leave this man asap. Don’t bother explain to him why, it will not compute.
Run for the hills and never look back. He’ll destroy you if given half a chance.

Lilithlogic · 23/12/2023 18:51

After being punched in the face and chest by an ex who was twice the size of me, I told him to fuck off and die. I didn't feel vile or abusive and neither should you. Ridiculous anyone should say he didn't deserve it ffs.

RainsweptAndUninteresting · 23/12/2023 18:55

He's an abusive arsehole
He should be supporting you not aggravating you to the point of getting upset
I'd be telling him to fuck off whilst packing a bag to leave

samqueens · 23/12/2023 18:58

Please don’t give him a letter - especially not in the hopes that it’ll change his behaviour - it’s likely that he will use it against you, (at the very least that he will find something in it to keep in his back pocket and skewer you with emotionally when he sees fit). He doesn’t care how you feel and it won’t matter what form of words you use - he still won’t care how you feel.

The only letter a man like this needs to be given is one that says “I’ve left, please don’t contact me again”.

LookItsMeAgain · 23/12/2023 19:01

Make 2024 the year that you find yourself @Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 .

This man is really vile to you.

Even the keeping the tv and radio on at the same time having mentioned to him that it hurts you, he wants to hurt you.

He doesn't see you as an equal, he sees you as someone who will pick up after him (you like things tidy, he clearly couldn't give a shit).

I would strongly urge you to use as much protection as you possibly can so that you don't fall pregnant to this gem of the male species.

You will find the strength in yourself to do what is necessary but do it on your timetable, no one elses and you'll do fine!

LookItsMeAgain · 23/12/2023 19:02

samqueens · 23/12/2023 18:58

Please don’t give him a letter - especially not in the hopes that it’ll change his behaviour - it’s likely that he will use it against you, (at the very least that he will find something in it to keep in his back pocket and skewer you with emotionally when he sees fit). He doesn’t care how you feel and it won’t matter what form of words you use - he still won’t care how you feel.

The only letter a man like this needs to be given is one that says “I’ve left, please don’t contact me again”.

I agree with this. By all means write down what you want to say to him but keep that letter for yourself, don't give it to him. He'd probably only laugh at it and that doesn't help you at all.

Chin up! You've got this!!!

Lifeasiknowitisout · 23/12/2023 19:02

zombie0037 · 23/12/2023 18:39

If her partner said that to her, you lot would be saying it is abuse and she should leave him.

If she said that her husband spent all week clearing up after her, wasn’t sleeping, and when he did he was having vivid nightmares and needed to see a doctor, had got all her presents for her family for her, his mum was dying and his sister was sick and he was exhausted….so so she spent all day taking winding him up for the sake of ‘banter’. He asked her to stop a couple of times but she thought it was funny so carried on.

And then he said that to her, once he had had enough. People would be telling her he should leave, because she is abusive.

Op didn’t walk up to her perfectly normal and decent husband and tell him she hoped someone spit on him. That would be abusive.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 23/12/2023 19:03

Don't bother wita a letter, there's no point. This is who he is. No one needs a TV and a radio on the same time, that's ridiculous. It honestly sounds like he's intentionally torturing you.

If he is, it's because he enjoys it. Let that sink in for a minute, he enjoys causing you distress. He's supposed to love you! Doesn't sound much like it to me!

It really does sound like he is the cause of your mental ill health. If you doubt that, look at how you felt when he'd been gone for 5 days.

If I were you, with no DC in the mix, I'd pack up the car with anything important or precious, the cat, and any Christmas stuff you want, and I'd go to your DM and DF for Xmas. I wouldn't come back. And I'd start divorce proceedings asap in the new year.

Kittylala · 23/12/2023 19:03

Don't send him a letter - Start preparing to leave and start putting money away. He doesn't deserve you and you can do better than him.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 23/12/2023 19:06

@Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 He winds you up until you snap then he sulks off to football and you feel badly?
You've been conditioned to not trust your feelings. At the very least he's a bully.
Get rid.

dannyufcfan · 23/12/2023 19:07

Amazed at some of the stuff people worry about on this site.

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