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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I said something awful to my DH

237 replies

Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 · 23/12/2023 16:37

My DH has spent the majority of the day winding me up and annoying me on purpose.

I told him to stop as he was peeing me off and we started bickering. He thinks this is funny to do even when I tell him to stop.

I lost my temper and told him that I hope someone spits on him in work.

I'm mortified I said something so vile. I don't know where it came from.

I have a lot of anger in me at the moment for various things and ongoing mental health issues.

Waiting for treatment (not that this is an excuse.)

I apologised and he's gone out to watch the football all OK.

I'm ashamed and disgusted.

OP posts:
clarepetal · 23/12/2023 17:57

MatildaTheCat · 23/12/2023 16:40

Well maybe he will think twice about winding you up when you can’t deal with it. Does he feel ashamed or disgusted with himself? Probably not.

You haven’t covered yourself in glory but I was expecting something far worse. You can apologise if it makes you feel better but I wouldn’t go overboard and I would explain how he was making you feel.

I hope he is more considerate going forward and you get some support with your mental health.

This exactly! I hope you are OK x

clarepetal · 23/12/2023 17:57

MatildaTheCat · 23/12/2023 16:40

Well maybe he will think twice about winding you up when you can’t deal with it. Does he feel ashamed or disgusted with himself? Probably not.

You haven’t covered yourself in glory but I was expecting something far worse. You can apologise if it makes you feel better but I wouldn’t go overboard and I would explain how he was making you feel.

I hope he is more considerate going forward and you get some support with your mental health.

This exactly! I hope you are OK x

TeaGinandFags · 23/12/2023 17:57

LTB and take your cat with you.

Tell your dad what's going on and see if you can stay with a family member or friend. If kitty can't come with you, Cats Protection will find a foster home for her until you're on your feet.

Your mental health will improve the minute you leave him. Once you're better he won't be able to get under your skin. He's an absolute shitbag.

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 23/12/2023 17:58

That honestly sounds just like banter and if he’s a copper he will have heard far worse.

BubbleBubbleBubbleBubblePop · 23/12/2023 17:58

His constant pick pick pick sounds abusive.

Babyshadows · 23/12/2023 17:58

Search reactive abuse and see if it fits!

Crimsonripple · 23/12/2023 17:59

That's really not bad. I'm surprised he didn't laugh. I've said a lot worse.

penjil · 23/12/2023 17:59

Hoglet70 · 23/12/2023 16:38

I wouldn't worry, you could have said much worse than that!

Exactly! 😂😂😂😂😂😂

What she said is hardly more than a primary school insult!

Try some real adult ones!

Nanny0gg · 23/12/2023 17:59

Catsknowbest · 23/12/2023 17:24

Ok so it's not good. But- I would ask if you can speak to him again later as you want to really apologise, you know how wrong it was. It would have been better to walk away but that's hindsight. Try not to batter yourself over it, make amends and also calmly explain that constantly winding you up isn't good either.

Seriously?

Have you read how he treats her?

samqueens · 23/12/2023 18:00

Sorry - just read your updates. This is all 🚩🚩 for abuse and it’s not you doing it.

You need Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. Read discreetly, download on kindle or Apple Books. (Don’t tell him about it.) That one book did more for my mental health than years of therapy, relationship counselling and even kicking my ‘D’P out of our house, because it actually gave me my mind back and showed me (in a way that was compassionate but not debatable) that it was not me it was him.

Cloverforever · 23/12/2023 18:01

incywincyspidery · 23/12/2023 17:56

If someone said that in our house it would completely defuse the argument. It's so left of field we'd just burst out laughing.
Reminds me of the time hubby and I were calling each other names and I called him something (forget what, it was years ago) and he hesitated, struggling to think of a suitable retort, and ending up blurting out "Lumpy wife!"
We ended up crying with laughter. He still calls me Lumpy sometimes now 😂

Try reading the room before you comment. Something said in an obviously affectionate relationship such as yours, is very different to what the OP is going through.

Merryoldgoat · 23/12/2023 18:02

What you said was awful.

However he’s clearly abusive and enjoys provoking and demeaning you.

No kids thank god so get out now.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 23/12/2023 18:03

He is a bully. Leave him.

ohdamnitjanet · 23/12/2023 18:03

Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 · 23/12/2023 16:41

He is police

Then he should know better than to deliberately spend all day winding you up, he will have heard far worse on duty. Of course it wasn’t a particularly nice thing to say, but then he wasn’t being particularly nice, give yourself a break @Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6

PieSkyFly · 23/12/2023 18:07

I knew you were going to say he was police. Not from your very specific insult but from you saying he'd been purposely winding you up all day and the only power you felt you had was to throw him a random insult. His arrogance came off the post.

I don't want to tarnish an entire workforce but sadly it's not uncommon for police to behave like this in their relationships.

I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time op. You've so much going on and he's treading you into the dirt with his boot when he should be trying to care for you and lift you up. 😔

blackpanth · 23/12/2023 18:07

LTB

Blueeyedmale · 23/12/2023 18:07

What you said was not nice but he's clearly being horrible by winding you up,he sounds very immature tbh and you are clearly going through a very difficult time at the moment what with your mental health and family member being ill.

You shouldn't have to put up with him winding you up,he should have a bit more consideration and compassion for your situation.

MatildaTheCat · 23/12/2023 18:08

What she said is hardly more than a primary school insult!
Try some real adult ones!

In my adult world we don’t insult one another, never mind our actual spouses. But I’d agree it’s a very minor outburst after deliberate and persistent bullying.

@Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 when you get time do some googling on emotional bullying and abuse. It’s an entirely valid reason for leaving. Look after yourself and I wish you well with your poorly family. They deserve your thoughts not him.

caringcarer · 23/12/2023 18:13

For goodness sake don't have kids with an immature bully like him. Escape while it's easier whilst no DC.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 23/12/2023 18:14

you are not abusive. You were pushed too far. It is not great to do what you did, but you are not the worst offender here. I wonder if some of your MH issues are related to being married to someone who has so little respect for you he thinks it is funny to upset you.

Ydkiml · 23/12/2023 18:15

He’s a bully . Your going through such a difficult time right now and he finds it funny to wind you up ! He should be supporting you . Sounds like he was provoking you today to snap so he can play the victim and leave the house . Hope you have the strength to leave him as he doesn’t sound like he deserves you .

DreamTheMoors · 23/12/2023 18:15

My older brother used to do this, OP.
Pick, pick, pick.
No matter what I said, happy or sad, he had an insulting comment or rude & demeaning remark to make. It lasted all our lives. Our parents & his wife begged him to stop, but he was relentless. It was a neverending stream of abuse. Eventually I backed away.
Then in 2017 he dropped dead.
The moral of this story is that you get back from the universe exactly what you put out.
Your husband will get his in some form —
be patient.
Take deep breaths. Try to enjoy your holidays. Don’t let the Grinch steal your joy.

SkySecret · 23/12/2023 18:18

If you were genuinely abusive you wouldn’t be on here asking if you’d been abusive. You’d either think you were perfectly reasonable or be denying your abusiveness and defending it.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 23/12/2023 18:21

Thing is if a man came on with the roles reversed and said it was the womans fault for "winding him up" everyone would be shouting LTB...

Nonsense. If the OP had hit him and posters were defending him, you would have a valid point. But what happened was that he was horrible to her all day (and often on previous occasions, by the sound of it), and she eventually retaliated by saying one horrible thing back to him.

It is very clear who the abuser is in this scenario, and it's not the OP.

Fswgkyoye · 23/12/2023 18:21

You're husband is bullying you OP. As he's a copper, I'm not surprised. I work closely with police and they're very adept at bullying. What he's doing to you is despicable and I wouldn't feel remotely remorseful.