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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I said something awful to my DH

237 replies

Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 · 23/12/2023 16:37

My DH has spent the majority of the day winding me up and annoying me on purpose.

I told him to stop as he was peeing me off and we started bickering. He thinks this is funny to do even when I tell him to stop.

I lost my temper and told him that I hope someone spits on him in work.

I'm mortified I said something so vile. I don't know where it came from.

I have a lot of anger in me at the moment for various things and ongoing mental health issues.

Waiting for treatment (not that this is an excuse.)

I apologised and he's gone out to watch the football all OK.

I'm ashamed and disgusted.

OP posts:
Risun · 23/12/2023 17:14

So, how was your mental health before you married this lovely man OP?

I can't help thinking you'd be better off without him.

NorthCliffs · 23/12/2023 17:15

I think I know the cause of your mental health problems ...

Doteycat · 23/12/2023 17:15

He's a fucking policeman??
Lovely.
What fucking hope have we when this is how they carry on at home.
What a fucking prick he sounds. And he's meant so serve and protect?
He really really is in the wrong job.
I'd leave him. He's shameful.

KTSl1964 · 23/12/2023 17:17

He’s not respecting your boundaries - he’s not a nice person. He’s pushing you - you have a lot on - no wonder you snapped. He doesn’t deserve you.

IKnowHowToSayMyName · 23/12/2023 17:18

2 things spring to mind.

  1. This sounds like an abusive relationship. You are being abused and gaslighted into thinking that you are the unreasonable one.
  2. He's a policeman?? God help us all.
FrancisSeaton · 23/12/2023 17:18

Winding you up and annoying you on purpose?
Domestic abuse/misogyny is rife in police officers unfortunately. Think about that

Original poster
Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 · 23/12/2023 17:21

My eyes have been opened reading all of your replies.

For a long time I have felt not listened to, made to feel inadequate and frustrated.

OP posts:
PorpoiseWithPurpose · 23/12/2023 17:21

Your mental health is 100% due to this fucking arsehole you’re married to.
Leave him and it will improve.

Hatty65 · 23/12/2023 17:22

Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 · 23/12/2023 16:41

He is police

He doesn't sound like he has the right character to be a police officer, frankly.

It's childish and stupid to deliberately wind people up to upset them. In his professional job he needs to deal with members of the public with calmness and without reacting to insults and abuse. He's supposed to be able to deal with difficult incidents with restraint and reason.

It sounds like he is really unpleasant at home, however. Maybe he needs to re-think his career, if this is what he's really like as a person.

Allwelcone · 23/12/2023 17:22

Well done OP, keep going
💐

Startyabastard · 23/12/2023 17:24

CheeseCrackers45 · 23/12/2023 16:39

It wasn't nice but I don't think it was THAT bad. Cut yourself some slack.

My thoughts.

Catsknowbest · 23/12/2023 17:24

Ok so it's not good. But- I would ask if you can speak to him again later as you want to really apologise, you know how wrong it was. It would have been better to walk away but that's hindsight. Try not to batter yourself over it, make amends and also calmly explain that constantly winding you up isn't good either.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/12/2023 17:24

The only thing keeping you with this man is you. Just walk away.

FrancisSeaton · 23/12/2023 17:24

In case you haven't seen this already

www.thebureauinvestigates.com/stories/2019-05-01/police-perpetrators-domestic-violence

Birdcar · 23/12/2023 17:25

I think that him winding you up for laughs is worse than what you said to him.

DinaofCloud9 · 23/12/2023 17:25

Yet another post where I'm questioning what exactly people think a relationship is or should be.

Andthereyougo · 23/12/2023 17:27

You’re unreasonable for beating yourself up over this. If he wants to behave like an overgrown man child he gets what he deserves. I’d have said a lot worse. and no way would I have apologised.
nHe sounds annoying.

Emotionalsupportviper · 23/12/2023 17:27

OneTC · 23/12/2023 16:39

Such a random insult, is he a copper or something?

I thought it was a strange sort of curse as well.

Edited because two words had run together

Catsknowbest · 23/12/2023 17:27

Catsknowbest · 23/12/2023 17:24

Ok so it's not good. But- I would ask if you can speak to him again later as you want to really apologise, you know how wrong it was. It would have been better to walk away but that's hindsight. Try not to batter yourself over it, make amends and also calmly explain that constantly winding you up isn't good either.

Also make it a non negotiable that his own behaviour is brought up because it really is not on.

Allwelcone · 23/12/2023 17:29

It's the frog in slowly boiling water metaphor isn't it.
He'll probably try and gas light you OP so really consider writing down your red lines, boundaries, expectations and even a deadline for improvement.

NameChange259 · 23/12/2023 17:30

Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 · 23/12/2023 16:48

Winding me up - talking over me, bossing me about, sarcy laugh when I told him to stop and that he was upsetting me, telling me to be quiet when I'm telling him what I've got on at the moment, invalidating my feelings, asking me what I've been doing with my time as been off for a week.

I don’t think abusive behaviour in general is a one off. It can be an example of someone snapping - literally unable to hold everything they’re feeling at once.

to continue to wind you up, plague you when you are deliriously unwell is abusive. Does he often push you to breaking point and make you feel like you are the problem not him?

NameChange259 · 23/12/2023 17:31

Would he perhaps be the kind of person who would wind you up just before they left for a a long shift at work leaving you alone to dwell on how awful you are?

Butchyrestingface · 23/12/2023 17:32

Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 · 23/12/2023 16:56

That's what I mean he thinks it's banter.

It's not!

So what's the problem?

He "banters" with you. You "bantered" back. He's got no reason for complaint.

SomeCatFromJapan · 23/12/2023 17:33

My ex spat on me. That's abuse. Saying you hope someone else does isn't abusive, particularly given that he was being an absolute bell-end to you when you're under extreme stress.

Fancycheese · 23/12/2023 17:34

Hatty65 · 23/12/2023 17:22

He doesn't sound like he has the right character to be a police officer, frankly.

It's childish and stupid to deliberately wind people up to upset them. In his professional job he needs to deal with members of the public with calmness and without reacting to insults and abuse. He's supposed to be able to deal with difficult incidents with restraint and reason.

It sounds like he is really unpleasant at home, however. Maybe he needs to re-think his career, if this is what he's really like as a person.

Show quote history

What a naive comment.

OP, seriously leave the bastard.

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