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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I said something awful to my DH

237 replies

Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 · 23/12/2023 16:37

My DH has spent the majority of the day winding me up and annoying me on purpose.

I told him to stop as he was peeing me off and we started bickering. He thinks this is funny to do even when I tell him to stop.

I lost my temper and told him that I hope someone spits on him in work.

I'm mortified I said something so vile. I don't know where it came from.

I have a lot of anger in me at the moment for various things and ongoing mental health issues.

Waiting for treatment (not that this is an excuse.)

I apologised and he's gone out to watch the football all OK.

I'm ashamed and disgusted.

OP posts:
mottytotty · 23/12/2023 16:56

Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 · 23/12/2023 16:54

No children.

Whenever he argue he tells me I'm frightening our cat. I know I'm not.

I do feel like he gaslights me at times.

I did snap and I hold my hands up.

But I don't know how to handle the winding up

I've told him how it makes me feel and asked him to stop that I don't like it, I don't find it funny.

Nothing changes. I spend the bulk of his time at home peed off and angry.

OP, a husband is supposed to love you, be kind to you, take care of you, in sickness and health.

It doesn’t sound like he does any of that.

So what is even the point of him?

Original poster
Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 · 23/12/2023 16:57

I have asked myself a lot recently why am I with him.

I don't know anymore.

OP posts:
plantpotsandbugs · 23/12/2023 16:57

I don't blame you after the way he was behaving to be honest.

My kids wind me up.

If my husband also started DELIBERATELY winding me up I'd be furious. Nobody needs that.

ConnieCroydon · 23/12/2023 16:57

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Allwelcone · 23/12/2023 16:57

Don't beat yourself up OP he was baiting you.
Draw some blooming boundaries, write them down.
Read him the riot act (CALMLY) when he's back.
He sounds like a massive bell end.

Original poster
Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 · 23/12/2023 16:59

I'm just exhausted.

But now I feel terrible I've said something vile like that.

OP posts:
margotrose · 23/12/2023 16:59

Your husband is abusive.

I'd be telling him to fuck off. Permanently.

Allwelcone · 23/12/2023 17:00

Let. It. Go. Ffs. Don't dwell . Use it!

mottytotty · 23/12/2023 17:01

Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 · 23/12/2023 16:59

I'm just exhausted.

But now I feel terrible I've said something vile like that.

You’ve said that because your subconscious is telling you this man is bad for you.

Listen to your brain not your heart.

Icelandic9 · 23/12/2023 17:02

He pushed you too far, but I've been spat on before and it's absolutely vile and degrading so I think it's a pretty horrible thing to say to someone.

I know others here don't think its too bad but perhaps they've never been spat on before.

He shouldn't be winding you up until you explode though.

Allwelcone · 23/12/2023 17:02

The huge majority on here 'forgive' you for it. So forgive yourself.
Next.
What are you going to to about how triggering he is?

diddl · 23/12/2023 17:02

Abusive man in the police.

Why isn't that surprising?

DC1888 · 23/12/2023 17:03

Mitigating circumstances OP. He will know your situation. Let it go.

Dwelling on stuff that we shouldn't is probably part of your mental health issue (I can relate to that).

Lemonbell · 23/12/2023 17:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

OCDmama · 23/12/2023 17:04

I wouldn't feel sorry anymore. You apologised, and he's been a dick to you all day.

It sounds like you have larger problems in your marriage - is he always such a bum??

I'm sorry to hear about your mum, sounds like you're having a horrible time of it. I hope you can get a medication bump soon - and have a chat about the nightmares with GP, they might have an idea for a prescription. I also get nightmares when I've gone downhill mentally, I think people can underestimate how affecting they can be.

WhatWouldJeevesDo · 23/12/2023 17:05

I’ve been spat on. I don’t think you did anything wrong.

RandomMess · 23/12/2023 17:05

He sounds awful, you are so vulnerable at a desperately sad point in your life and instead of supporting you he is mocking you, belittling you and just being vile.

I hope you find the strength to end the relationship, you deserve so much better.

Go move into help with your Mum and never go back?

Tinkerbyebye · 23/12/2023 17:08

He was asking for it

i think when he comes back you have a. Real heart to heart about the fact you are ill, and what he is doing is not funny, it’s actually abusive and how would he feel if he was reported to his fellow police for it?

if he was called to a family argument and the husband was deliberately winding his wife up what would he do!

Nanny0gg · 23/12/2023 17:08

Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 · 23/12/2023 16:45

He purposely irritates me as he thinks it's funny.

I've been off work for a week an non stopped cleaned etc. Picked his clothes up off the floor, sorted all his families presents etc.

I've not been sleeping. When I do I have disturbing dreams. He knows this. My medication is due for upping I think.

My mum is currently terminal. My sister is also sick. My Dad and I are keeping the family afloat.

Had another horrendous sleep an snapped.

You are not the problem here.

He is...

What an arse

Gymnopedie · 23/12/2023 17:09

But now I feel terrible I've said something vile like that.

He'll get over it. I mean this, I'm not being facetious - tell him it was just banter.

Explain to us OP - because if you explain it to us you'll have to explain it to yourself - what positives do you get from this relationship?

Lifeasiknowitisout · 23/12/2023 17:09

Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 · 23/12/2023 16:45

He purposely irritates me as he thinks it's funny.

I've been off work for a week an non stopped cleaned etc. Picked his clothes up off the floor, sorted all his families presents etc.

I've not been sleeping. When I do I have disturbing dreams. He knows this. My medication is due for upping I think.

My mum is currently terminal. My sister is also sick. My Dad and I are keeping the family afloat.

Had another horrendous sleep an snapped.

You say exactly to him.

’I have been off work doing anything at home, picking up after you. I sorted all the presents for your family for you. You know I am not sleeping and having awful dreams. You know I need to see my doctor. You also know that my mum is terminal, my sister is sick and me and Dad are exhausted and stressed beyond belief and you think it’s funny to spend the day picking and poking at me, winding up. You think it’s funny, even when I repeatedly tell you to stop. You keep upsetting me.

You see me on my knees trying to keep going and just out the boot in. That’s not something you do to someone you love or even like. When I eventually snap back you pretend you are the victim’

Or you could accept, that it won’t make a difference. He doesn’t care. He will use what you said against you instead of looking at his own behaviour and being deeply ashamed of himself.

Saying the above is unlikely to help him see what he is doing or treat you with respect. It might even make him worse.

But read it. It’s basically your words. Would you treat someone you love that way? Would you treat anyone that way. If someone you barely knew was going through what you are and you knew they were, would you do those things to them.

I am so sorry. But you reaction isn’t the issue here. He is the issue and this isn’t a relationship you should be in.

MILTOBE · 23/12/2023 17:09

Maybe the way to look at it is to think this man brings out the worst in me. I have said something I never thought I'd say to another person. I shouldn't be with him because of the way he makes me feel.

You don't have children with him so the only reason you're staying with him is through choice. Seriously, you can decide to leave him. You are not happy with him (who would be?) and you are responding in a way that isn't true to yourself.

AngryBird6122 · 23/12/2023 17:10

@Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 it's fine, I agree with PP that he brings out this side in you. It's really not that bad, much, much worse have been said in the heat of the moment. You were pushed to it.

ForTonightGodisaDJ · 23/12/2023 17:10

Specific but who cares? He started it.

TeenLifeMum · 23/12/2023 17:13

Why would he get enjoyment from continually upsetting someone he loves even after being asked to stop? That’s not normal. You’re a grown up and don’t need to tolerate being treated as unimportant.