People make an unnecessary fuss about Christmas

[mikado1]

Or maybe I'm not doing it right/doing enough?

I love Christmas and family traditions etc. But I can't quite understand the weeks of 'Are you all set?' and the general angst. Santa presents were organised here in November, decorations went up two weeks ago, ham and turkey ordered weeks ago. Chocs, biscuits, drinks added into weekly shop over the last few weeks. So now it's a case of getting in the fresh stuff and doing a regular weekend house clean. Granted, it's just immediate family here but even so, do people overdo the craziness/overwhelm maybe? I'm not sure what I'm missing. I'm going out for lunch with friends today and others have commented that they can't believe I have the time to do that this weekend. I did spend an hour in town yesterday getting the stocking bits - books, chocolate coins, trinkets etc. In and out with list. Done.

@mikado1 - it may be a breeze for you OP but it isn't for everyone. For all sorts of reasons including money. Try & walk a mile in someone else's shoes.

I’m with OP, it’s one day. I’ve 2 primary dc, they get excited and do lots with the school, so feel like we don’t have to do so much ‘special’ iyswim? I think that’s great the school has parties and discos and the same for everyone.

The list of food someone put here for Christmas Day made me feel like maybe we don’t do enough- we keep it simple with a roast, presents, we will go for a walk and watch some telly. Starters and cocktails? Fine if I’m out, but cba at home, I’m chilling out. Don’t get ‘hosting’ - that’s something you get paid for- family and friends are welcome, but they pitch in.

I think some people just like to create the stress of it (notwithstanding disabilities, financial stresses etc)

My mum always goes on about how stressful everything is and over the years my sister and I have fallen over backwards in trying to remove stress out of her path. But no matter how smoothly we make everything go she will find the stress in the tiniest thing (forgetting to put the salt and pepper on the table once caused a 10 minute flap) so we have given up.

My sister and I normally take it in turns because we cannot handle the drama my mum makes out of the fussing. This means we host more as all in laws are their, hers and mine etc. So about 14 normally (and contrary to some claims on this thread my DH does most of the cooking when it's our turn to host). We deliberately go out of our way to make it as low stress as possible though because of all the years of watching my mums approach has made us very avoidant of it.

Agree! Why anyone goes in for all that is beyond me.

I couldn't agree more. Apart from a few online shopping deliveries, I've got 'ready for Christmas' since school broke up on Thursday. Ultimately, beyond the, you know, REALLY IMPORTANT CHRISTIAN FESTIVAL part, it's a fancy roast dinner and some presents...

I am not a natural planner so I find Christmas to be a real struggle - I don't make a big fuss but I still feel uncomfortable and dread the prep.

Absolutely this. I wonder sometimes how I missed the elements of female socialisation that are meant to make me care about hosting, cleaning, people-pleasing or Christmas because I really dgaf about any of the above!
It's definitely more women I know who are stressed about Christmas. Part I suspect is the same shit different day for mental load, but the other part I suspect is that a lot of marketing is targeted at women to feel they have to make a huge deal of Christmas otherwise it will be awful for their family. It plays into mum guilt well, especially when you add in the keeping up with the Joneses, as in which very expensive farm event did you book your children in for this year? Wasn't the queue online for it awful back in July. Still at least we'll have a family festive day making memories, head tilt.

Men don't get this stuff shoved their way.

DH cooks our Christmas dinner when we host. Does anyone spend weeks asking him how stressed he is? No.

For those who don't have enough time to get stuff done in normal weeks of the year, the extra work of Xmas is the proverbial straw for the camel's back.

Even if you keep it simple, it might not seem much to buy and wrap presents or write and send some cards or buy enough shopping for a roast dinner but it takes up more bandwidth in your head and time you don't have. And more bandwidth if you're trying to work out how to do it without enough money.

(and contrary to some claims on this thread my DH does most of the cooking when it's our turn to host).

It's not that men don't cook, it's that they never seem to work themselves up into a massive flap about it.

Agree with both you and @margotrose (under many names I have agreed many times)

However, I think the difference is accepting the stress or saying "no, I want you all here but let's find a less stressful way". I would love to have four kids and their partners, sounds like a dream family BUT I would assign them all something simple to bring/have a buffet/eat out or just set expectations low because I am not good at that sort of thing.

It is just a fancy or very populated Sunday roast.

The thing I get stressed about is presents. Will they like them/will I forget someone or offend someone. I think as an adult you're likely spending money you don't have on something someone doesn't want because as adults, if we really want something we generally buy it.

It's not that men don't cook, it's that they never seem to work themselves up into a massive flap about it.
This, but also most Christmas marketing and social pressure about Christmas isn't directed at men.

Nobody has asked DH if he managed to book our children into various local and regional festive events.Nobody has asked DH if he's stressed about Christmas, got all the presents sorted and so on. On a societal level Christmas is women's work.

It's true, all the pressure and marketing is directed at us women.
Probably by marketing men..

So true

I was responding to comments like this

And it's always women who do it too! Like fuck would a MAN be doing a big showy roast meal for 15 people! Hmm Women always do it. And you can bet no man is helping with anything.

Women blatantly aren't the only ones who ever cook for Christmas

And presents to buy for them all I expect.

Large families will be more work and potentially stress at Christmas.

Why on earth are you 'cooking for 18 people?' Is no-one else helping? Is your husband/partner not contributing at all? There are 17/18 other people - not sure if it's 18 including you. Are they just going to sit around letting you do everything, when you have a chronically ill child?

Words fail me.

Also, only on mumsnet, and on TV/in films do I see people - women I should say - cooking Christmas dinner for 15-20+ people. In real life, no-one I know does that. I know one family - just one - where there will be 6 adults and 4 children - even that is only 10. The two adult sisters and the mum are all doing it together at the mum and dad's big 5 bed house with a massive kitchen diner. Yep! the women are doing it all!

Posters on here can come up with the 'my DH does all the cooking' line - but even if that is true, he will be the exception rather than the rule. And I bet most of these wonderful supermen who do the Christmas meal, do barely fuck-all for the rest of the year.

I agree with several previous posters, some women do love to play the martyr - and ramble on about their terribly busy and stressful Christmas, and the 28 people they have to cook for. As someone said, they wear it like a badge of honour. No-one is impressed by anyone 'catering' for masses of people - and even worse, then moaning about it. You don't HAVE to do it. You choose to. Deal with it, and stop complaining. You made your bed.

And I bet most of these wonderful supermen who do the Christmas meal, do barely fuck-all for the rest of the year.

Nope he cooked almost every single day, does the meal planning, the shopping and the washing up. He's responsible for his families gifts, writing cards for his family and friends and does the majority of the running around of our nephew who lives with us.

Because he's a grown adult who is capable of doing 50% of the housework, child rearing and mental load and because I don't assume full responsibility for all of it.

You cant have it both ways, bitch about the women whose husbands cook and bitch about the women who martyr themselves.

Maybe if less women accepted this stuff as women's work and expected more from their DHs (if in a hetro relationship) there would be less "I'm so stressed" conversations every year.

Posters on here can come up with the 'my DH does all the cooking' line - but even if that is true, he will be the exception rather than the rule. And I bet most of these wonderful supermen who do the Christmas meal, do barely fuck-all for the rest of the year.

That’s precisely why mine doesn’t cook at Christmas - because he does all the cooking for the rest of the year. And you can be as sceptical as you like about numbers @FreshWinterMorning but I’m cooking for 15 and I don’t give a shit whether or not you believe me.

@FreshWinterMorning
DH & I have 2 kids Last we invited 6 people, so 10 total for dinner.

Two of those 6 asked if they could bring another family of 4. I said No. I thought it was really cheeky to ask TBH.

But felt really guilty about it. I asked on here and the majority seemed to think I was selfish for saying No to having 14 for dinner.

I encountered quite a few today, trying to get parking spaces at my local shopping centre at about 4 o'clock.

I agree with you, so much goes on in personal lives that we don't need added stresses of Xmas so I get organised early. It's not about money for me I'm on benefits as disabled, I just can't add extra stress of Xmas so I get started early. Xx

Posters on here can come up with the 'my DH does all the cooking' line - but even if that is true, he will be the exception rather than the rule. And I bet most of these wonderful supermen who do the Christmas meal, do barely fuck-all for the rest of the year.
He's not a superman for cooking the Christmas meal. He's better at it than me so it's a logical thing to do. We split Christmas tasks by our strengths and we're a team. It's important to us out DC don't see Christmas as women's work.

He does his fair share through the year as well too. I'm not interested in a relationship with a man-child who views domestic tasks as "helping" me.

We share the prep today and dh will cook tomorrow. He's made a list of all the timings on a sheet on the kitchen fridge. I'll help between doing other stuff, like looking after guests, keeping the house un-mangled and wrestling challenging toy packaging. Then after dinner, I'll un-fuck the kitchen while he takes over the other stuff.

Basically, both of us will be contributing tomorrow until we both can relax. We aren't point scoring over who did more but neither is signing out to leave the other to manage alone. Many hands, light work and all that.

Posters on here can come up with the 'my DH does all the cooking' line - but even if that is true, he will be the exception rather than the rule. And I bet most of these wonderful supermen who do the Christmas meal, do barely fuck-all for the rest of the year.

If this is your experience then I’m sorry for you. My DH is an equal partner and entirely typical of my friendship group. And we are a diverse group in terms of class and ethnicity.

Yep my husband does all the cooking all year round. He is currently timetabling when to prep the potatoes and has gone out to buy some lemon and garlic for the roast tomorrow. This is partly why Xmas isn’t remotely stressful for me.

We are adults who share the jobs fairly. Sadly that isn’t the case for everyone, and I get why so many women are stressed.