Would it upset you if people thought you were grandparents and not parents?

[familiesarrggghhhhh]

This has happened twice to me now. First time in after school club, gave the names of my DC and the lady said “are you the grandma” - erm no I’m not

then last week we were at a park with the DC on their bikes, a couple in their 70’s walked past and said “it’s lovely coming out with the grandkids isn’t it”

I was mortified. I’m 43 so yes I’m an older mum. I have 4 year old twins. My DH is 51 but I honestly don’t think I look like a grandma.

AIBU to be upset and feel a bit down by it or is it just part and parcel of being an “older” mum. But then I think this isn’t 30 years ago, I was 38 when I had my twins (ok I turned 39 when they were 4 weeks old 😂)

we definitely didn’t plan it this way, we went through 5 rounds of IVF to get our twins.

just feeling a little sensitive as I’m also right in the middle of peri menopause, and this just feels like another kick in the teeth

Some people just don't look at faces properly and go by clothing, build, mannerisms, things that are not reliable to guess age by.

That's true, @AvengedQuince Some people are just a bit dense too. Was once asked if my children were twins. They were 3 and 1, nowhere near the same size or development. One was obviously a baby!

I think people need to be more careful with this. It's quite common these days for women to have children in late 30's and early 40's. Some folk are just a bit ignorant and don't even pay that much attention though.

Even if I see someone that I think looks late 40's or early 50's I never presume they are gran! My kids have sometimes said about someone being gran and I'm like shhh that might be their mummy!

Many have it the other way around too. My sister had her first child at 24 and he broke his arm when he was 6. Went to hospital and my mum had taken them. The staff kept talking directly to my mum. She said she wld go and get him some clothes etc as he had to stay in for an operation. So the nurse said to him ur mum is just going to get you some stuff but ur big sister is going to stay with u. She was 30 and had to say no I'm his mum, that's his gran. He thought it was hilarious.

I once had a colleague, this happened to her and she was most upset and offended. Her child was 10 and I didn't know her age but would have put her at about 50. Her skin, and style were very mumsy, but I think actually she was probably only about 40. I remember other colleagues tieing themselves in knots to reassure her she was young looking :)

I had mine in my 40s. Normally no one makes a mistake, but my husband (four years older than me) was running after our toddler and someone called out 'hurry up grandpa' and he was devastated.
A Tesco delivery guy asked me if I had grandkids, I said no my kids were 9 and 11 (at the time). He then went on to apologise but said he 'knew people younger' than me who were grandparents- I told him he was digging a deeper hole!
Worst was an estate agent who knew I had a son. I took my (albeit younger, but over 30) builder friend to look at a house, and the agent asked me if he was my son! I was late 40s then, so my actual son was less than ten years old.

I agree with you OP about children keeping you young on the inside, if not on the outside.

I was late 30s when I had my only DS. I don't recall any other adult ask me if I was DS' grandmother, but DH and I were occasionally asked this by other children.

I would have felt upset if I was asked this on a regular basis, although I don't know why as it wouldn't be particularly unusual to be a grandparent early 40s. I remember having a chat with some colleagues when I was early 40s. We were all a similar age. I was mum to a young primary school child, one had two pre-school children and another was a grandmother.

I probably made more effort to keep up to date in the way I dressed and being aware of popular culture than I would have done had I had children earlier, or had I not had children at all .

My mum had this a lot ad there's 18 years between me and my sister. My mum was 39 when she had her. It used to really upset her as well. I'd never assume someone was a grandparent

He’s 51, I’m yet to meet a 51 year old who has grandchildren

@Lifechange2023 that is quite surprising . I think that's around the average age to become a first time grandparent. I have friends who had their DC mid 20s whose own DC have also had children that age . I also know people who had children in their late teens who became a grandparent early 40s.

I know lots of people in their 50s who have grandkids (my own parents were GPs at 51 and 56) I'm now 38 with a 16 and 11 yo.

And I know a number who are grandparents in their 40s too.

He’s 51, I’m yet to meet a 51 year old who has grandchildren

I know plenty. My parents were 44/45, three of my grandparents 47/48, an aunt was 39.

It is a bit tricky to cope with isn't it.

I was a very young mum to my eldest and was usually ignored as 'the au pair' (as if an au pair' should be ignored 🤔). Then I was a much older mum to my second child and as soon as I hit 40 I was called grandma.

Then I was an actual grandma at 42 and get a mix of "mum" and "grandma" assumptions.

At least now I have a fighting chance of someone getting it right!

Never happened- I'd be gutted if it did because I had mine at 25 & 35 (I'm 43 now). It's usually the opposite with eldest DS- people saying I don't look old enough to have a child his age but I think that's because people have kids older now.

I'm mid 40s (just) and there are far more grandparents than parents my age at school pick up. The average mum is at a guess 15 - 20 years younger than me. Loads of people I was at school with have grandchildren, some of them are at secondary school. I'm still in the junior school years with my youngest.

Statistics show this isn't the case though. The average age to have a first baby in the UK is very nearly 31. It's very dependent on socio-economic though, so whilst you probably know lots of other 26-28 year olds having babies, there will be other circles of women where everyone is having their first at 39 or 40. You also wouldn't necessarily know the age of women in the ante-natal clinic; I know several people who had their first at 36 or 37 but who were frequently assumed to be around 30.

It's good that you can laugh it off. People should generally try not to make comments like this

I will say however, I don't think you can blame anyone for thinking a man in his 50s with small children is the grandfather.

Our parents were between 44 and early 60s when our eldest was born. It's within grandparent age.

Happens to me all the time! I was 44 when I had my youngest. Everyone thinks I am his grandma probably worse when we go to official places like Drs as they are so embarrassed when they have to ask whoI am?
I am not at all bothered by it as I could technically be his grandparent.... they never ask his dad though! So he either looks very young - he doesn't or society accepts there are older dads.

I was mistaken for DS grandmother when he was 10 months old. I was 30!

This really is all about ageism. What's so bad about being a grandparent, anyway?

Haha - not at all; mostly the dc that thought I looked old often had GP younger than me.

So I look older, because I am, no need to be offended by simple facts.

I had my DS at 34 and apart from two other Mums who were 39 and 40 when they had their children was the oldest Mum at my DS small primary school. I think where you live will affect the demographics of first time parents. There are grandparents where I live who are way under 50. The youngest I have met was 35. We live in an ex mining area that’s quite deprived in places. MN is a bit skewed to SE professionals hence why people find young GP hard to believe. I spent quite a few years in London when younger, it’s very different to where I live now.

I haven’t been mistaken for my 2 (adopted) DDs’ grandma, though I’m well that I very well could be. I genuinely am a bit older than the biological maternal grandparents! (I’m 54 and DD1 is 14.) So I don’t think I would be upset if I were ever asked if I were the grandma.

It would probably embarrass my 11 year old DD2, though.

It is skewed that way and it's very obvious when you go to different areas that the age of parents/grandparents changes dramatically. However statistically it remains that the average mother is in her 30s, not her 20s.

The woman is in her 70's but in her mind's eye, she looks much younger (hence mistaking you for a peer). She will be looking at people her own age and foolishly thinking they look much older than her.

Age related insults are almost always down to people (ie the insulters) thinking they look far younger than they do!

Agree. I would never make assumptions, and if I HAD to say something which assumed relationship, I’d always talk about “your son/daughter/baby” etc. I know several women who had kids in their late 40s - it’s always safer to act as though the person is the parent, not grandparent, and let them correct you and say “actually, this is my daughter’s baby, not mine!”if you’re wrong!

People used to think I was my kids sister or baby sitter. Equally infuriating. This isn't a flex, yes I had very youthful features but not in a cool way. More in a overgrown primary school child way. Then I hit 40 and looked my age over night. Such is life.

I really don't want understand why you would mind. And if you do mind, why you would say something that would MB are the other person feel crap too when they really weren't intending to upset you. What's wrong with being a grandma?