Would it upset you if people thought you were grandparents and not parents?

[familiesarrggghhhhh]

This has happened twice to me now. First time in after school club, gave the names of my DC and the lady said “are you the grandma” - erm no I’m not

then last week we were at a park with the DC on their bikes, a couple in their 70’s walked past and said “it’s lovely coming out with the grandkids isn’t it”

I was mortified. I’m 43 so yes I’m an older mum. I have 4 year old twins. My DH is 51 but I honestly don’t think I look like a grandma.

AIBU to be upset and feel a bit down by it or is it just part and parcel of being an “older” mum. But then I think this isn’t 30 years ago, I was 38 when I had my twins (ok I turned 39 when they were 4 weeks old 😂)

we definitely didn’t plan it this way, we went through 5 rounds of IVF to get our twins.

just feeling a little sensitive as I’m also right in the middle of peri menopause, and this just feels like another kick in the teeth

I wouldn't think too much into it, people make mistakes and they don't know you or your age and have just made an assumption. My dad is 52 and is grandad to my almost 12 year old and gets mistaken for her dad, I've been mistaken for his wife! 🤮😅

I reckon it’s more common for a dad to have a kid at 47 (they would not necessarily even be first child) than at 16 or below (even in the previous generation), but I may be wrong! Either way one is not obviously way more common than other.

Not an older mum today OP. Maybe in an earlier generation. I think it can be area specific too. Areas with a higher density of professional women tend to have more older mums.

I also think if the couple who said this were older they were BabyBoomers and young adults in 1965-1985. In the 60s and 70s it was very typical to get married in your early 20s and have kids, so for their generation plenty of their peers would've been grandparents in their 40s/50s. It's from the 1990s onward that the average age of a new mother has crept up to the 30s.

It depends. Some people in their early/mid 40's still look 'vibrant' if not younger than their age. I'm thinking hair done, discreet nicely applied makeup and well fitting clothes. Some people of the same age have salt and pepper hair, wear ill fitting clothes and could do with plenty of moisturiser for their face!
It's obvious which one would get the 'grandma' comments!!
Most of the older mums I know take care of themselves and no-one has asked if they are the grandma, it wouldn't enter people's minds to ask.

My DH is 55, I'm a young looking 40, and our DD is 10.
When DD was little people often mistook my DH for being her GF and my DF. We laughed it off.
But it's understandable it would make you feel a bit shit! I think its more just because after 40 it all starts getting real and being mistaken for GM instead of M would feel shit!

I’m not sure it’s got as much to do with your looks as their expectations. A couple of stone weight loss won’t make you look 29. Weirdly, I mean that to be comforting 😶

Thank you everyone

it’s all so subjective isn’t it. When I look back 5 years ago I do think I look very different. Twins are brutal, and throw in some health conditions, periods of extended stress, various hospital admissions it has taken its toll. Im trying to get HRT but as usual with the GP’s at the moment it’s very difficult.

sorry I really didn’t mean to drip feed, I do need a I lose weight but I regularly have my hair highlighted and my eyelashes & brows dyed.

I guess it just comes with the territory, I will try to grow a thicker skin and laugh it off

I don't think it's your age. I'm an older mum too but this is normal now. I do think kids age you though. I did this myself. Assumed the mum was the grandma. I genuinely thought so though.

Assuming they're making these comments because you look physically older than your years then yes I'd be upset, however if I'd always looked a bit older I would have learnt to live with it by now I think.
Let's say you look 50...plenty of grandmas, less mums at that age so reasonable assumption. Is there anything you can do to improve your physical looks? What about your cloithing/style? If there is, is it worth the effort needed? Only you can decide.
Statistically some of us will look older, some younger and some about our actual age. Similarly some will be prettier than average, and some will be downright ugly.
I'm wondering if this isnt something you've had a lifetime to get used to. Maybe you've always looked a little older but looked 'matched' to your husband so no comments. I mean, what would they even say. Or maybe having 2 young children at your age (stress of infertility?) has aged you and your now noticing. If this is the case make some time for you if you look 'unhealthy'. If not its business as usual. You seem to have what you wanted, a husband and children...

I agree, neither is probably much more likely. Hence someone who's 50 with a 4 year old as a first child (or twins) needs to expect that SOME people will assume they're a grandparent. In the same way many people have rightly assumed he's the dad at other times.

My friend is 7 years older than me, in her early 40s, her hair has gone fully light grey. Twice when we’ve been out together people have thought we were mother and daughter! I think sometimes people don’t even look at people properly and have just thought she’s older because of the grey hair!

I had children young and my eldest is 17, people have thought we were sisters in the past!

Try not to be upset about it x

I swear the average age of a mum where I live is about 17, at least it feels that way in my antenatal clinics. I’m 37 so I feel ancient up to them. But at the same time I honestly couldn’t care less! Just enjoy making them feel awkward when you point out their mistake 😆

Without posting a picture and totally outing myself I really don’t think I look more like 50 than 43, when I was mistaken for the grandparents in the park I was trying to wrangle the kids and make sure they didn’t ride into anyone as well as holding our dog so I probably did look a bit harangued.

i do realise that I’m incredibly lucky to have my children, they may age us on the outside but they definitely keep us young on the inside 😀

Also, I could theoretically become a grandma at 37 if my eldest had a child. Some grandparents are really young so don’t see it as an insult xx

IMO your age to be a Mum and Dad is not uncommon and definitely not commonly grandparent age!

I have to disagree that 40s is a common age to have a baby. I recently had a baby and DP and I have only recently turned 27. Our parents are first time grandparents and all of them are in their late 40s and very early 50s. Those years are very common grandparent ages. The pregnant women I saw in antenatal clinic and the new mums in baby groups are in their 20s or early 30s. There's a few in their late 30s, but this isn't their first child.

You’re closer in age to my mum than you are to me and I have a toddler so it’s not unreasonable they would assume you’re the grandma. But not unreasonable at all for you to be upset by it.

I am 58 and a granny of one (21months) with another due next month. My sons are 31 and 29. A very good friend is also 58 . Her child is 8 ( IVF with donor eggs in Spain).

I have 8 friends with grandchildren and 3 friends with children in primary school, and they are all early to mid 50s themselves.

If you were mid twenties in the 1990s, it was pretty common to have children then. And then your children having babies by the time they are 30 isn't all that out there. (Until recent cost of living crisis, when adult children are so much less likely to be financially secure)

It also depends on the socioeconomic demographic. Some tend to have children earlier, some later.

I wouldn't even assume you look any older than you are. It's just than in your early 40s you're at an age where you could be either, and obviously you remember the two occasions when you were taken for a grandparent more than all the other times you were correctly clocked to be the mum.

If you had your children in your early 20s, which someone in their 70s now probably would have done, you could have been grandparents in your 40s.

We get this all the time. My husband was 50 when our daughter was born - I was 30. We just laugh it off and joke about it. Saying how stupid people are when we're both so young looking.

Hasn't happened yet but I am sure it will, I am in my 40s with a 4 year old - and it's completely normal in the area I live, as others have said, demographics. It's an affluent area, not many people in their 20s would be able to afford the houses here I imagine so naturally the people with young children are older.

My sister was mistaken for my child's mother when they were 5 and 16. I was mistaken for his sister when we were 11 and 33. Some people just don't look at faces properly and go by clothing, build, mannerisms, things that are not reliable to guess age by.

I'd assume grandparent if the age gap looked to be 45+ years, but would allow another 5 years before saying anything like in the OP.