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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say its not my problem she's forgotten

186 replies

redd9 · 23/12/2023 09:11

My husband is currently away visiting his family abroad for Christmas. We have a young toddler so we decided I and our child would not go this time, we see them throughout the year anyway. Husbands older DC were also in school until yesterday so haven't gone either.

He is back tomorrow afternoon.

DSC was supposed to come to us today for a week, our usual time, but DH spoke to ex when this was booked and she agreed to keep DSC for the extra night until he was home tomorrow, as we have also always done for her when she's needed us to.

She has now "forgotten" and is insisting DSC will have to come here as she has plans. Well first it was plans and now it's apparently work. I suspect its a night out
but that she's decided working sounds more important.

Thing is, I also have plans! I have a family meal with my parents and siblings and then my parents were going to keep toddler overnight so I could go and see a friend for a few wines at hers.

I've said I appreciate its not usually her time to have DSC but she did agree to this ages ago and as such it's not my problem she's now forgotten and I won't be cancelling what I'm doing to have them. Had toddler alone all week so looking forward to some time tonight before the Christmas madness.

Aibu? Admittedly I'm not the fondest of DHs ex and that's for a number of reasons over the past.

OP posts:
Noshowlomo · 23/12/2023 09:12

Nah not your fault at all. Plans were made and agreed on

Marwoodsbigbreak · 23/12/2023 09:12

Direct her to DH if she persists. It’s not your problem or responsibility.

Dotcheck · 23/12/2023 09:13

You’re sure your husband spoke to her? Of course you are not unreasonable for saying ‘no’

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 23/12/2023 09:14

Direct her to your husband and don't communicate further with her. It's not your problem to resolve.

VerticalSausages · 23/12/2023 09:14

I was going to say I would probably be helpful in this scenario, but given you do already have plans it’s a no from me.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 23/12/2023 09:15

YANBU, this isn't your problem.

Original poster
redd9 · 23/12/2023 09:16

Dotcheck · 23/12/2023 09:13

You’re sure your husband spoke to her? Of course you are not unreasonable for saying ‘no’

Yes he even reminded her a couple of weeks ago too

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 23/12/2023 09:16

Since you have genuinely made plans YANBU to say you can't have her. She and your husband need to sort something out.

mumsytoon · 23/12/2023 09:17

Go and don't even feel an ounce of anything. This isn't your problem! Let her mother deal with it.

mottytotty · 23/12/2023 09:17

YANBU. Stick to your plans!

Just a warning - the ‘you knew your partner had a child when you married him’ brigade will be along soon insisting that you put your own life on hold for DSC. Stand firm in your refusal!

BibbleandSqwauk · 23/12/2023 09:18

If your DH were around tonight, even if you two had plans I might suggest adapting them to be cooperative but as it's either their mum or their step-mum, then no, its her mess up, she'll have to deal or ask her family for a babysit.
Oh and just to pre-empt "it's so sad no-one wants these children around, you're arguing over who doesn't have them. Poor little mites from a broken home etc...". Hope you get it sorted OP.

Original poster
redd9 · 23/12/2023 09:19

She even suggested I have the people I'd made plans with round here instead of going to theirs as DSC "wouldn't be any bother". Because everyone else should revolve their evenings around her. Which is a pretty standard expectation from her tbh.

I've had it all, now we are onto the emotional blackmail of how understaffed her work is (NHS) so she really needs to go in. I don't even believe she is working though to be honest.

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 23/12/2023 09:19

She needs to sort out her own babysitter

SantaBarbaraMonica · 23/12/2023 09:20

I’d do it if I didn’t have plans so my response would be as respectful as possible saying ‘I’m sorry, I would help out if I didn’t already have a number of things unsuitable to bring her booked in’. And I wouldn’t fold under any circumstances.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 23/12/2023 09:20

Nope, not unreasonable at all. She is his Mum, therefore in the absence of Dad the child is her responsibility.

Had you not had plans, I would have said to take him. But you do, and so it's tough for her. She'll have to find a babysitter.

youneveractually · 23/12/2023 09:21

is your husbands older DC with the same ex?

Zanatdy · 23/12/2023 09:23

I’d stop messaging her if she’s persisting, your DH reminded her recently so it’s on her. She must have other people she can ask. Just say sorry no can do and don’t respond any further

youneveractually · 23/12/2023 09:23

shame your husband even let you know that she’d said this

he should have dealt with it and completely shielded you from this y your plans

YomAsalYomBasal · 23/12/2023 09:25

Nope, this is nothing to do with you. These are arrangements between the child's parents and therefore not your responsibility. Don't let your plans get hijacked!

LameBorzoi · 23/12/2023 09:25

Of course this isn't your problem!

Butchyrestingface · 23/12/2023 09:26

You have plans. This is an issue for the ex and your husband to work out.

GrumpyPanda · 23/12/2023 09:27

redd9 · 23/12/2023 09:19

She even suggested I have the people I'd made plans with round here instead of going to theirs as DSC "wouldn't be any bother". Because everyone else should revolve their evenings around her. Which is a pretty standard expectation from her tbh.

I've had it all, now we are onto the emotional blackmail of how understaffed her work is (NHS) so she really needs to go in. I don't even believe she is working though to be honest.

So she's already badgered you into discussing details of your plans. Be very careful and very firm OP or even better, tell her you'll be offline entirely.

Turnthelightoff · 23/12/2023 09:28

I’d just leave your phone out of sight for a while to stay out of it.

theconfidenceofwho · 23/12/2023 09:28

YANBU - stop engaging with her & stick to your own plans!

Original poster
redd9 · 23/12/2023 09:29

Yes older DC are both with same ex.

She messaged me directly saying sorry she'd not be able to have DSC the extra night after all as she'd got plans now and she'd forgotten. Then when I said sorry no can do it turned into the whole being about "work".

I'll probably just block for the day if I get anything else.

OP posts: