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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say its not my problem she's forgotten

186 replies

redd9 · 23/12/2023 09:11

My husband is currently away visiting his family abroad for Christmas. We have a young toddler so we decided I and our child would not go this time, we see them throughout the year anyway. Husbands older DC were also in school until yesterday so haven't gone either.

He is back tomorrow afternoon.

DSC was supposed to come to us today for a week, our usual time, but DH spoke to ex when this was booked and she agreed to keep DSC for the extra night until he was home tomorrow, as we have also always done for her when she's needed us to.

She has now "forgotten" and is insisting DSC will have to come here as she has plans. Well first it was plans and now it's apparently work. I suspect its a night out
but that she's decided working sounds more important.

Thing is, I also have plans! I have a family meal with my parents and siblings and then my parents were going to keep toddler overnight so I could go and see a friend for a few wines at hers.

I've said I appreciate its not usually her time to have DSC but she did agree to this ages ago and as such it's not my problem she's now forgotten and I won't be cancelling what I'm doing to have them. Had toddler alone all week so looking forward to some time tonight before the Christmas madness.

Aibu? Admittedly I'm not the fondest of DHs ex and that's for a number of reasons over the past.

OP posts:
mottytotty · 23/12/2023 09:47

ElevenSeven · 23/12/2023 09:46

What’s unbelievable about this?

OP, your post is as clear as day; this is nothing to do with you.

I’d be out early if were you, to ensure no CF tries to drops
them off anyway.

Edited
Show quote history

Next she’ll be saying he is abusive and OP needs to leave him.

SunRainStorm · 23/12/2023 09:47

She needs to sort a babysitter.

Perhaps the compromise would be for DH to offer to pay for the babysitter.

Technically maybe he shouldn't have to but sometimes it's better to focus on the bigger picture and keep everyone on good enough terms.

TrashedSofa · 23/12/2023 09:47

redd9 · 23/12/2023 09:30

Thing is I'd actually not put it past her to just turn up later. I'm going to see if I can go to my parents earlier so there will be no one in.

Yeah, do that and tell her you're doing it too.

DeeLusional · 23/12/2023 09:48

Women will never get anywhere if we don't grow a backbone and JUST SAY NO without the constant agonising guilt.

mottytotty · 23/12/2023 09:48

user1492757084 · 23/12/2023 09:47

I would leave it up to DH but you could suggest that he offer to pay for a babysitter at his ex's place. Her home, her babysitter and he pays.

Why should he pay? Ex doesn’t pay for a babysitter when he has the kids extra days as a favour to her.

mycatsanutter · 23/12/2023 09:49

She needs to find a babysitter or cancel her plans , she had been told and she agreed and she was reminded . She is an adult this is for her to sort out .

growingonmyass · 23/12/2023 09:49

Nope YANBU at all. Not your responsibility.

mottytotty · 23/12/2023 09:49

SunRainStorm · 23/12/2023 09:47

She needs to sort a babysitter.

Perhaps the compromise would be for DH to offer to pay for the babysitter.

Technically maybe he shouldn't have to but sometimes it's better to focus on the bigger picture and keep everyone on good enough terms.

I think setting a precedent of paying for a babysitter is a terrible idea.

The ex isn’t even working that day, she is clearly going out.

IAmAnIdiot123 · 23/12/2023 09:50

I'm confused why other posters are confused. This is one of the clearest posts I've ever read 🤣

growingonmyass · 23/12/2023 09:50

redd9 · 23/12/2023 09:30

Thing is I'd actually not put it past her to just turn up later. I'm going to see if I can go to my parents earlier so there will be no one in.

Yes, definitely do this - in fact pack your bags and leave in ten minutes!

wronginalltherightways · 23/12/2023 09:53

"You'll need to pay for a babysitter; DH is out of the country and you agreed to the date switch months ago, and were reminded two weeks ago, which you confirmed." Then mute her calls/texts.

She agreed to the schedule change, just as you have done for her when she needed it.

YANBU

AhBiscuits · 23/12/2023 09:54

I agree it's not your problem to solve. Stay out of it.
I do feel sorry for the kid though, people squabbling over who gets stuck with her.

Bernieee · 23/12/2023 09:54

Dont do it op, she can find her own childcare!!

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/12/2023 09:55

Hold firm, don’t engage anymore and have a brilliant night! Maybe next time she’ll remember to be a bit more organised.

ElevenSeven · 23/12/2023 09:56

AhBiscuits · 23/12/2023 09:54

I agree it's not your problem to solve. Stay out of it.
I do feel sorry for the kid though, people squabbling over who gets stuck with her.

Guilt over that is what CF’s bank on to get their way

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 23/12/2023 09:59

Get yourself out of the house and round to your parents so she can't just drop them off.
The plans have been made and the dsc are not your responsibility.
It's for the parents to sort out, you're not the babysitter.
Stick to your guns 💪

MikeRafone · 23/12/2023 09:59

strange to forget you're working....

Tinkerbyebye · 23/12/2023 09:59

youneveractually · 23/12/2023 09:34

your husband is visiting family and back on christmas eve

leaving his ex with 3 children
leaving his partner with a toddler

unbelievable

Edited

@youneveractually

oh please. Are you saying he should never go away on his own? Op doesn’t mind, she says soon the opening op. I am sure the ex doesn’t care, otherwise she would have said something

ActDottie · 23/12/2023 10:00

If you had no plans I’d probably help this once, but it sounds like you have a well planned evening ahead so definitely keep saying no. Also agree with you to leave early to go to your parents cuz it sounds like she may just turn up at yours anyway.

housethatbuiltme · 23/12/2023 10:00

Poor kid.

Not because of you though OP, you are perfectly right that this is not your circus and not your monkey (I don't think I EVER stayed with a stepmother alone) but my mother fought fiercely to keep me and was always happy to have me.

I'm so sad for the kid that his/her mam is so desperate to pawn them off on someone (anyone not even his other parent) as if they are just a scheduled chore and its someone else's turn now. Especially right before Xmas.

Gonkers · 23/12/2023 10:00

user1492757084 · 23/12/2023 09:47

I would leave it up to DH but you could suggest that he offer to pay for a babysitter at his ex's place. Her home, her babysitter and he pays.

Why should DH pay for a babysitter? They have a mutually reciprocal relationship, she agreed to the date swap, it’s now her time and her problem to solve.

ActDottie · 23/12/2023 10:02

youneveractually · 23/12/2023 09:34

your husband is visiting family and back on christmas eve

leaving his ex with 3 children
leaving his partner with a toddler

unbelievable

Edited

Lol you just sound bitter tbh.

It was a tripped planned in advance and it sounds like there is good reason why none of the children went with him ie school and being very young.

Is he supposed to not see his family at Christmas?

Eddielizzard · 23/12/2023 10:04

She's not working or she would have sorted this out long ago. She's been invited somewhere. I'd turn my phone off, leave early. Really not your problem.

Lemonfoxtrot · 23/12/2023 10:04

Just say that this has nothing to do with you. Tell her If she had any issues with this, the time to bring it up was before DH left.

Its nothing to do with you. Also make sure you aren’t at home all day, so she can’t drop DSC at your front door and run!

ChanelNo19EDT · 23/12/2023 10:04

I agree with suggestion to head off to your parents early. Or go somewhere en route.

I'm a single parent btw, so in a way I get it, but my x never had kids so even a break I could plan around would have been fantastic. Not that it should be suffering Olympics.

I do agree though, that the Father here, the person with the highest number of children in this situation, he's been at home having a break. I bet he'll be back in time for another break now.
So yanbu to go to your parents tonight but he is the father of the children so frustrations should be directed in his direction, not just at his xw

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