To say its not my problem she's forgotten

[redd9]

My husband is currently away visiting his family abroad for Christmas. We have a young toddler so we decided I and our child would not go this time, we see them throughout the year anyway. Husbands older DC were also in school until yesterday so haven't gone either.

He is back tomorrow afternoon.

DSC was supposed to come to us today for a week, our usual time, but DH spoke to ex when this was booked and she agreed to keep DSC for the extra night until he was home tomorrow, as we have also always done for her when she's needed us to.

She has now "forgotten" and is insisting DSC will have to come here as she has plans. Well first it was plans and now it's apparently work. I suspect its a night out
but that she's decided working sounds more important.

Thing is, I also have plans! I have a family meal with my parents and siblings and then my parents were going to keep toddler overnight so I could go and see a friend for a few wines at hers.

I've said I appreciate its not usually her time to have DSC but she did agree to this ages ago and as such it's not my problem she's now forgotten and I won't be cancelling what I'm doing to have them. Had toddler alone all week so looking forward to some time tonight before the Christmas madness.

Aibu? Admittedly I'm not the fondest of DHs ex and that's for a number of reasons over the past.

But she only made the plans AFTER agreeing to have the kids. How can any co-parenting situation work if the agreement of one parent is meaningless?

I think you do right to go out earlier.

You say your husband is due back tomorrow afternoon OP. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve.

How certain are you that he's even going to be back in time for Christmas? That would my bigger worry right now, especially post Covid when travel is pretty unreliable at the best of times.That's before you factor in Christmas, this week's storm, French strikes that have happened as well etc. Have you not seen the reports of travel disruption this week?

Frankly your husband sounds like a prize.

How do you know what her husband is like? Because he took some time out to see his family before Christmas? Which his wife was more than happy with?

If it was the other way round you’d be saying to OP that she deserves some time away to spend with her family.

Strikes happen, shit happens, it doesn’t make him a bad husband, wow.

Absolutely not your problem to solve and don't answer the door today !

Nope there are different TYPES of step parent... there more but the two main ones are:

1. full time step parent in absence... this is where one parent has full custody of a child (widowed, deadbeat, father unknown etc...) and a step parent assumes a full time parental role (similar to adoption) in place of the missing parent.

2. part time step parent not in absence... this is where two parents have shared custody and both parents parent their child. The step parents are simply the child's parents partner NOT an active parent role (as they already have both parents, kids do not need 4 parents).

OP is NOT this kids mother, the kid HAS a mother and father. Any fathering jobs are OP husband responsibility. OP is more like a married into the family Aunt, she does not owe parental responsibilities to this child, just standard kindness.

The mother just wants a free babysitter.

redd9 · Today 09:30
Thing is I'd actually not put it past her to just turn up later. I'm going to see if I can go to my parents earlier so there will be no one in.

Definitely leave earlier than planned so she can't arrive unexpectedly and dump DSC on you. If your parents aren't available earlier, find a coffee shop nearby where you and your toddler can wait. You said on occasion you've had DSC extra nights at her request, now she agreed to have them one extra night at your request and your DH reminded her two weeks ago, so no - no last minute changes by her are acceptable. Enjoy your night off!

Hope you have left the house by now OP!

LemonTT · Today 10:30

Isn’t the issue here that the ex was stepping up to provide the childcare during her ex’s time with the children. She is now saying she can’t. It’s the OPs husband who needs the favour here.

Personally I think the OP and he husband have equal responsibility as they are a family unit and should act as one.

But sounds like the adults here don’t want to adult.

This is all wrong. An agreement was reached, it's happened on both sides on previous occasions, and ex agreed this amendment. Ex now wants to change it but DH is away and OP has plans - how is wanting ex to stick to the agreed bargain 'adults not wanting to adult' and putting it onto OP to deal with ex's backing out last minute?

Thank God you were here to remind OP of the date, she obviously thought it was the middle of June.

My husband has family abroad and has gone to see them, due back tomorrow. He's a wonderful, caring, engaged husband and father who just happens to be from a different country. If he's late back due to travel issues then we'll work something out, him wanting to see his family doesn't make him a terrible husband, and I'm sure the same applies for OP and her husband.

She likely had her NHS Christmas rota at least a month ago, probably two, so I call BS.

This - you dont have to pack up and go anywhere! Stay home and just do the MN favorite thing of not answering the door!

I’m so in the minority here but I just feel I myself would take the hit and rearrange the thing with the friend just for the sake of the child not feeling they’re being passed about. That’s just me, op, I don’t think you’re unreasonable, I just feel for the sc.

You're right it WAS nice that he DID do this.
As OP said in her second post.

But it's not just the friend, it's OP's family too. |EX is full of BS, NHS holiday working rotas were arranged long ago - ex has just had a good offer and wants to change the arrangement last minute even though she was reminded of it recently.

No way should OP 'take the hit' - and it's two DSC not one, Shouldn't you be considering your overly people-pleasing tendencies, @stayathomer ?

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo
I don’t see it as people pleasing to be honest, I’ve had a few people pull me out of jams in the past and I’d hate the thought of a kid being passed about around Christmas time. op’s not unreasonable, it’s just I myself would reorganise my plans and maybe take the child to the family thing and try and reorganise or get the friend over or something. Just to help/ for the kid’s sake

I don't follow your logic.
He went to see his family
He made arrangements for his children
What more would you like him to do?

I absolutely agree. I don’t think the OP is unreasonable at all but I feel for kids not wanted by anyone at Christmas. Now I know that sounds dramatic but that’s what it will feel like to them.

I feel for them, that doesn’t mean it’s the OPs responsibility but it’s still just a bit sad.

Anyone who genuinely has been asked last minute to work will ALWAYS say that in the first instance.

Not change it from "I have made a mistake" to "I have to work"

Those who are saying it's the OP's husbands fault for changing the days (agreed far in advance and double confirmed) are assuming that he has never once changed plans for her benefit. Highly unlikely.

Ex was reminded of the arrangement and the only jam she's in is wanting to go out. So not really a jam at all. Why should OP give up being able to go out in order that ex can go out? Socialising is not my idea of a jam!

Ex first said she wanted to go out, then changed it to having to work when reminded - again - of the agreement. NHS xmas rotas were announced months ago so the having to work is pure BS.

It’s peak doormattery - the stepmother takes the hit so the actual parent doesn’t have to. JFC.

It's two children, not one, and they're not being passed around for Christmas - they are staying with their mum tonight 23rd and coming to OP & DH tomorrow Christmas Eve as arranged, it's only tonight that has been changed as agreed weeks ago.

Who is in a jam? The ex isn’t working, that’s obvious. Wanting to go out, and having no childcare, and wanting someone else to change their own plans so they can go out, is NOT being in a jam.

The mother can look after her own kids, for the kids sake.

People lose their heads when stepchildren are involved, the emotional blackmail is pervasive.

You are the last person this problem belongs to. Leave her and your dh to sort it out between themselves… they have parents/siblings/babysitters that they can waterfall down to before it gets to you and ultimately it’s hers and his responsibility