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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say its not my problem she's forgotten

186 replies

redd9 · 23/12/2023 09:11

My husband is currently away visiting his family abroad for Christmas. We have a young toddler so we decided I and our child would not go this time, we see them throughout the year anyway. Husbands older DC were also in school until yesterday so haven't gone either.

He is back tomorrow afternoon.

DSC was supposed to come to us today for a week, our usual time, but DH spoke to ex when this was booked and she agreed to keep DSC for the extra night until he was home tomorrow, as we have also always done for her when she's needed us to.

She has now "forgotten" and is insisting DSC will have to come here as she has plans. Well first it was plans and now it's apparently work. I suspect its a night out
but that she's decided working sounds more important.

Thing is, I also have plans! I have a family meal with my parents and siblings and then my parents were going to keep toddler overnight so I could go and see a friend for a few wines at hers.

I've said I appreciate its not usually her time to have DSC but she did agree to this ages ago and as such it's not my problem she's now forgotten and I won't be cancelling what I'm doing to have them. Had toddler alone all week so looking forward to some time tonight before the Christmas madness.

Aibu? Admittedly I'm not the fondest of DHs ex and that's for a number of reasons over the past.

OP posts:
honeylulu · 23/12/2023 10:05

Quick, stuff what you and toddler need for the night in a bag and hotfoot it to your parents, pronto! Don't tell her you are leaving early until you've actually gone or you might find the older kids ringing your doorbell while their mum zooms off up the road laughing wearing her party clothes work uniform.

Definitely NOT your problem.

Please tell us she doesn't know your mum's address!

Gonkers · 23/12/2023 10:06

housethatbuiltme · 23/12/2023 10:00

Poor kid.

Not because of you though OP, you are perfectly right that this is not your circus and not your monkey (I don't think I EVER stayed with a stepmother alone) but my mother fought fiercely to keep me and was always happy to have me.

I'm so sad for the kid that his/her mam is so desperate to pawn them off on someone (anyone not even his other parent) as if they are just a scheduled chore and its someone else's turn now. Especially right before Xmas.

I’ve (happily) looked after my DSC alone when their parents both had commitments (even just fun shit).

I don’t think this needs to be dramatised into anything more than a calendar error. The kids (2 DSC) hopefully likely don’t know anything about it. All parents - including step - involved sound normal, one has just fucked up and is trying to sort it because the mum is also entitled to a life (just not at the cost of OP’s!).

ElevenSeven · 23/12/2023 10:07

Gonkers · 23/12/2023 10:06

I’ve (happily) looked after my DSC alone when their parents both had commitments (even just fun shit).

I don’t think this needs to be dramatised into anything more than a calendar error. The kids (2 DSC) hopefully likely don’t know anything about it. All parents - including step - involved sound normal, one has just fucked up and is trying to sort it because the mum is also entitled to a life (just not at the cost of OP’s!).

Show quote history

She asked OP to move her night out to their home, so that she could have a night out. And it’s a loaded situation for OP to have to say no to; oh you don’t want your lovely DSC etc…

So yes, the DM has been a CF here. She isn’t entitled to a life any more than any other mother who can’t sort childcare.

housethatbuiltme · 23/12/2023 10:10

Gonkers · 23/12/2023 10:06

I’ve (happily) looked after my DSC alone when their parents both had commitments (even just fun shit).

I don’t think this needs to be dramatised into anything more than a calendar error. The kids (2 DSC) hopefully likely don’t know anything about it. All parents - including step - involved sound normal, one has just fucked up and is trying to sort it because the mum is also entitled to a life (just not at the cost of OP’s!).

Show quote history

Trust me kids notice when a parent doesn't want them or they are in the way or a parents in a bad mood because they are there.

You don't have to physically say it directly too them, they aren't thick.

L0bstersLass · 23/12/2023 10:10

redd9 · 23/12/2023 09:30

Thing is I'd actually not put it past her to just turn up later. I'm going to see if I can go to my parents earlier so there will be no one in.

This is not on you @redd9. Stick to your guns.
Your idea about going to your parents' place is a good one.

FloofCloud · 23/12/2023 10:13

It's her problem first, your DH second and not your problem at all- tell her you've got plans and you won't be in so she'll have to sort something as she forgot the agreement

Therealjudgejudy · 23/12/2023 10:14

Stick to your guns op. Enjoy your night with your family and friend as planned

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 23/12/2023 10:23

Wait a minute...in this scenario, there are 3 parents...2 who conceived her and a step mum, and as step mum, you're the one expected to drop your plans? No. Not at all.

It would be different if you were just saying no, but you have plans. You have arranged childcare for your child who is your responsibility.

ElevenSeven · 23/12/2023 10:27

It wouldn’t be any different if OP didn’t have plans.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 23/12/2023 10:27

Make sure you are out plenty earlier.. Or she will prob do a drive by...

LemonTT · 23/12/2023 10:30

Mrgrinch · 23/12/2023 09:42

It's not confusing.

You are not responsible to provide her children childcare. Continue as planned and she will have to miss "work".

Isn’t the issue here that the ex was stepping up to provide the childcare during her ex’s time with the children. She is now saying she can’t. It’s the OPs husband who needs the favour here.

Personally I think the OP and he husband have equal responsibility as they are a family unit and should act as one.

But sounds like the adults here don’t want to adult.

Sugarsun · 23/12/2023 10:34

It’s a bit annoying that DH had to come home a day later, as it causes disruption to the ex and his kids.
He should have booked it so he’d be home in time for his kids.

But it’s not your problem.

They sorted it out and you already have plans.

You should not have to cancel your plans, so she can carry on with hers.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 23/12/2023 10:37

Ime this is what happens when you don't stick rigidly to the pre determined contact arrangements sadly...

Gonkers · 23/12/2023 10:38

LemonTT · 23/12/2023 10:30

Isn’t the issue here that the ex was stepping up to provide the childcare during her ex’s time with the children. She is now saying she can’t. It’s the OPs husband who needs the favour here.

Personally I think the OP and he husband have equal responsibility as they are a family unit and should act as one.

But sounds like the adults here don’t want to adult.

Show quote history

As adults they’ve all agreed a schedule.

OP’s DH made a request that was accepted and agreed. The ex has made similar requests for time swaps that have also been agreed. The flexibility has been reciprocal allowing both parents flexibility.

He double checked, it was confirmed. That is now the ex’s time.

In what way are DH and OP not adulting? What more could they have done/do? Certainly OP should not change her plans that include childcare for her toddler to facilitate an error on the part of the ex.

FloweryName · 23/12/2023 10:38

If she agreed ages ago it would have been nice if your DH, who was changing the agreement and asking for a favour, could have messaged her to confirm the change of arrangements and to remind her. This is his responsibility seeing as he’s on holiday when he’s supposed to be caring for his children.

CHRIS003 · 23/12/2023 10:39

When she was told a couple of weeks back - did your dh tell her it was because you were going out that night while he was away ?
Sounds like she found out some how that you had a night out planned - so she thought - ah great now I 'll try and mess her plans up ?

Sugarsun · 23/12/2023 10:39

mottytotty · 23/12/2023 09:48

Why should he pay? Ex doesn’t pay for a babysitter when he has the kids extra days as a favour to her.

Show quote history

He’s the one that needed the ex/OP to have his kids.

If he’d kept to the dates, then this wouldn’t have been an issue.

So the very least he can do is offer to pay for a babysitter.

It’s great that they can be flexible with the dates but if it means one of them missing out on their plans by doing the other a favour, then they should offer to pay for a babysitter.

SeamsLegit · 23/12/2023 10:40

Get out of there OP!!! Gather ur stuff and go ANYWHERE to pass the time, u Shud NOT have to rearrange ur plans to suit someone else!! Don't let her steamroller ur rare free time!! Let us know when ur escape is complete!!

FlamingoQueen · 23/12/2023 10:42

Stick to your guns. If she has to work then one of her friends, who she ‘maybe’ was going out with could babysit! She obviously remembered if she text you to say that she couldn’t have dc tonight.
Good luck x

BrimfulOfMash · 23/12/2023 10:42

The answer is ‘you would if you could but you can’t: you have childcare for your toddler overnight and will not be at home as you have arranged a family dinner out of town’.

Those are the facts. Stick to the facts: You can’t. Don’t get involved in whose fault / responsibility it is, just the facts as they pertain to you You canto it you will not be home.

She will need to find alternative childcare. And take it up with your DH if she wants to

twistandfart · 23/12/2023 10:45

BrimfulOfMash · 23/12/2023 10:42

The answer is ‘you would if you could but you can’t: you have childcare for your toddler overnight and will not be at home as you have arranged a family dinner out of town’.

Those are the facts. Stick to the facts: You can’t. Don’t get involved in whose fault / responsibility it is, just the facts as they pertain to you You canto it you will not be home.

She will need to find alternative childcare. And take it up with your DH if she wants to

Exactly this. Leave now, OP!

BashfulClam · 23/12/2023 10:49

FloweryName · 23/12/2023 10:38

If she agreed ages ago it would have been nice if your DH, who was changing the agreement and asking for a favour, could have messaged her to confirm the change of arrangements and to remind her. This is his responsibility seeing as he’s on holiday when he’s supposed to be caring for his children.

Do people not read fully. The OP says DH reminded his ex last week!

GuinnessBird · 23/12/2023 10:50

The ex is being a CF, your DH reminded her so she can pound sand.

Purplesilkpyjamas · 23/12/2023 10:52

What does she do in the NHS?

SuspiciousSue · 23/12/2023 10:52

We get this from the ex all the time. We gave her 8 months notice that we were going to Singapore and then, when the time came, she said we had to fly back to have DSS for DHs weekend 🙄 He just said no, sorry and then the abuse started.

It’s just so annoying because she just cancels for no reason and he has to suck it up but when he asks once, she makes a big deal of it. We normally only go away for a maximum of 10 days so he doesn’t miss a weekend but Singapore is just so far away and it’s one time in 9 years.

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