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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say its not my problem she's forgotten

186 replies

redd9 · 23/12/2023 09:11

My husband is currently away visiting his family abroad for Christmas. We have a young toddler so we decided I and our child would not go this time, we see them throughout the year anyway. Husbands older DC were also in school until yesterday so haven't gone either.

He is back tomorrow afternoon.

DSC was supposed to come to us today for a week, our usual time, but DH spoke to ex when this was booked and she agreed to keep DSC for the extra night until he was home tomorrow, as we have also always done for her when she's needed us to.

She has now "forgotten" and is insisting DSC will have to come here as she has plans. Well first it was plans and now it's apparently work. I suspect its a night out
but that she's decided working sounds more important.

Thing is, I also have plans! I have a family meal with my parents and siblings and then my parents were going to keep toddler overnight so I could go and see a friend for a few wines at hers.

I've said I appreciate its not usually her time to have DSC but she did agree to this ages ago and as such it's not my problem she's now forgotten and I won't be cancelling what I'm doing to have them. Had toddler alone all week so looking forward to some time tonight before the Christmas madness.

Aibu? Admittedly I'm not the fondest of DHs ex and that's for a number of reasons over the past.

OP posts:
Dotjones · 23/12/2023 14:24

You should play her at her own game and get your DH to refuse to take them for a couple of days after he gets back tomorrow, it will mess her around a bit and you won't have to worry about an extra child over Christmas.

wronginalltherightways · 23/12/2023 14:26

Dotjones · 23/12/2023 14:24

You should play her at her own game and get your DH to refuse to take them for a couple of days after he gets back tomorrow, it will mess her around a bit and you won't have to worry about an extra child over Christmas.

WTF!

No, they should absolutely NOT do this.

FFS

ofestivetree · 23/12/2023 14:30

OP. It's fine you're out. If she leaves them at yours on the doorstep knowing you're out that's her problem. Make sure you have it in writing that there will be no one at the house

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/12/2023 14:35

Dotjones · 23/12/2023 14:24

You should play her at her own game and get your DH to refuse to take them for a couple of days after he gets back tomorrow, it will mess her around a bit and you won't have to worry about an extra child over Christmas.

Definitely don’t do this! Don’t ruin the DCs’ Christmas to spite her. Not that I imagine you would.

OP- you are definitely not unreasonable to stick to your plans.

DontListenToWhatYouveConsumed · 23/12/2023 14:36

I cannot understand this mother at all. They are her children. She agreed this night with her ex and then went and made an arrangement (work/pub/shag/whatever) and now feels entitled to dump HER children on her husbands partner.
Regardless of what you are doing @redd9 this woman shouldn't be asking you, she has an agreement with their father.
I'm loving the phrase doormat with tits (not aimed at you or anyone else OP)

Olive19741205 · 23/12/2023 14:38

youneveractually · 23/12/2023 09:34

your husband is visiting family and back on christmas eve

leaving his ex with 3 children
leaving his partner with a toddler

unbelievable

Edited

I find it more unbelievable that the mother thinks someone else should have her children when their other parent is away. I would never have my DSC overnight if my DH wasn't here, why would I? They come to spend time with their father. Is OPs DH never supposed to visit his family because it doesn't suit his ex?

youneveractually · 23/12/2023 14:41

Olive19741205 · 23/12/2023 14:38

I find it more unbelievable that the mother thinks someone else should have her children when their other parent is away. I would never have my DSC overnight if my DH wasn't here, why would I? They come to spend time with their father. Is OPs DH never supposed to visit his family because it doesn't suit his ex?

Show quote history

oh the pair of them (the ex and the dh) sound perfect for one another. Both equally as thoughtless as the other

youneveractually · 23/12/2023 14:42

This reply has been deleted

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ElevenSeven · 23/12/2023 14:59

5128gap · 23/12/2023 14:06

No. Its your husband's responsibility to make plans for his child. And he did. With their mum. If their mum can no longer cover for him as planned, then she needs to tell him so he can come up with something else. However, this may well be that your husband asks you to step in. So you might want to think about what you'll do then. Its his cover that's fallen through, and he may well ask you to be back up. So while she's cheeky making direct contact with you, it might amount to the same thing anyway.

Lol, sure. Even if this nonsense was true, OP could also amount to the same outcome by continuing to say no.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 23/12/2023 15:04

Well as it's mn op you need to next year keep your entire December schedule free incase either of ds's actual dps don't feel like well, parenting...

notlucreziaborgia · 23/12/2023 15:09

youneveractually · 23/12/2023 14:41

oh the pair of them (the ex and the dh) sound perfect for one another. Both equally as thoughtless as the other

Show quote history

He arranged a swap in order to secure childcare weeks in advance, and made sure to double check with plenty of notice.

She agreed to the swap, and at the last minute has decided she’d prefer a night out, and is trying to dump childcare responsibilities for her children onto OP.

If you look at both of these things in low lighting, and squint a lot, they totally look like the same thing! Fucking hell.

Olive19741205 · 23/12/2023 15:18

stayathomer · 23/12/2023 11:45

I’m so in the minority here but I just feel I myself would take the hit and rearrange the thing with the friend just for the sake of the child not feeling they’re being passed about. That’s just me, op, I don’t think you’re unreasonable, I just feel for the sc.

You should learn some boundaries. People like the ex in this scenario love people like you.

Olive19741205 · 23/12/2023 15:22

geekone · 23/12/2023 11:53

I absolutely agree. I don’t think the OP is unreasonable at all but I feel for kids not wanted by anyone at Christmas. Now I know that sounds dramatic but that’s what it will feel like to them.

I feel for them, that doesn’t mean it’s the OPs responsibility but it’s still just a bit sad.

Yeah it's shit that their mother (the parent that is available and agreed to spend time with them today and tonight) is trying to palm them off. Nobody else.

GreatGateauxsby · 23/12/2023 15:30

It's a hard no.

If you can leave I would earlier so she can't ambush you/dump them at your door.

Also you DH should be putting all this in writing going forward.

If she "forgot" you are not the only possible form of emergency childcare available to her you are just the easiest/cheapest option.

At 8 and 10 they are fully verbal and autonomous they can cope with an unfamiliar babysitter if needed.

Olive19741205 · 23/12/2023 15:40

5128gap · 23/12/2023 14:06

No. Its your husband's responsibility to make plans for his child. And he did. With their mum. If their mum can no longer cover for him as planned, then she needs to tell him so he can come up with something else. However, this may well be that your husband asks you to step in. So you might want to think about what you'll do then. Its his cover that's fallen through, and he may well ask you to be back up. So while she's cheeky making direct contact with you, it might amount to the same thing anyway.

Comments like this blow my fucking mind.

"Its his cover that's fallen through, and he may well ask you to be back up. So while she's cheeky making direct contact with you, it might amount to the same thing anyway"

How on earth is it HIS cover that's fallen through? How? The mother has HER own children as arranged by the father...fuck me.

rochenutty · 23/12/2023 15:50

notlucreziaborgia · 23/12/2023 15:09

He arranged a swap in order to secure childcare weeks in advance, and made sure to double check with plenty of notice.

She agreed to the swap, and at the last minute has decided she’d prefer a night out, and is trying to dump childcare responsibilities for her children onto OP.

If you look at both of these things in low lighting, and squint a lot, they totally look like the same thing! Fucking hell.

Show quote history

the PP was referring to fact that he thought it was a good idea to leave his wife and toddler alone until christmas eve, and also his two other children.

So miss build up to christmas and leave ex and current on their own to prepare everything for his children.

Tandora · 23/12/2023 15:50

Does mum acknowledge she is the one who made a mistake? Or is this a case of “some recollections may differ”?

Anniegetyourgun · 23/12/2023 16:06

A propos of nothing in particular, does anyone else feel the urge to bite someone who uses the phrase "but that's just me"? Or is that, er, just me?

rochenutty · 23/12/2023 16:08

Anniegetyourgun · 23/12/2023 16:06

A propos of nothing in particular, does anyone else feel the urge to bite someone who uses the phrase "but that's just me"? Or is that, er, just me?

well clearly not “a propos of nothing in particular”

mottytotty · 23/12/2023 16:24

Anniegetyourgun · 23/12/2023 16:06

A propos of nothing in particular, does anyone else feel the urge to bite someone who uses the phrase "but that's just me"? Or is that, er, just me?

Ha, me too. They’re desperate to convince us they are kinder than anyone else but they’re not fooling anyone.

BowlOfNoodles · 23/12/2023 16:48

This is why I'm not fond of step parents isn't dsc FAMILY

mottytotty · 23/12/2023 16:51

BowlOfNoodles · 23/12/2023 16:48

This is why I'm not fond of step parents isn't dsc FAMILY

Yes, DSC are family. Why doesn’t their mum want to spend time with them? Why has she made plans to be away from her own children when she has agreed to have them?

Hayliebells · 23/12/2023 16:58

Of course YANBU. But why is she is she even messaging you? Tell her to message the father of her children, as the contact arrangements are between the two of them, not the three of you.

housethatbuiltme · 23/12/2023 17:03

BowlOfNoodles · 23/12/2023 16:48

This is why I'm not fond of step parents isn't dsc FAMILY

My brother is my actual family, no matter what he will always be my family (no divorcing him etc...) and I would still not be cancelling my plans and babysitting his kids last minute on Xmas eve eve either just so he can go off on a spontaneous piss up either.

Family does NOT mean you can treat someone like a door mat and free babysitter and this kids MAIN family are the people who ditched him/her. Don't try to make out like OP is the one out of line, that is some serious twisting in knots of who is actually the person responsible for this child.

'Not being fond of' someone because you can't control and abuse them says far more about your entitlement than them doing anything wrong.

Olive19741205 · 23/12/2023 17:20

BowlOfNoodles · 23/12/2023 16:48

This is why I'm not fond of step parents isn't dsc FAMILY

Can you explain what you mean by this? What's your question got to do with a mother who isn't spending time with her own children as she agreed to?