To say its not my problem she's forgotten

[redd9]

My husband is currently away visiting his family abroad for Christmas. We have a young toddler so we decided I and our child would not go this time, we see them throughout the year anyway. Husbands older DC were also in school until yesterday so haven't gone either.

He is back tomorrow afternoon.

DSC was supposed to come to us today for a week, our usual time, but DH spoke to ex when this was booked and she agreed to keep DSC for the extra night until he was home tomorrow, as we have also always done for her when she's needed us to.

She has now "forgotten" and is insisting DSC will have to come here as she has plans. Well first it was plans and now it's apparently work. I suspect its a night out
but that she's decided working sounds more important.

Thing is, I also have plans! I have a family meal with my parents and siblings and then my parents were going to keep toddler overnight so I could go and see a friend for a few wines at hers.

I've said I appreciate its not usually her time to have DSC but she did agree to this ages ago and as such it's not my problem she's now forgotten and I won't be cancelling what I'm doing to have them. Had toddler alone all week so looking forward to some time tonight before the Christmas madness.

Aibu? Admittedly I'm not the fondest of DHs ex and that's for a number of reasons over the past.

Do you have proof she agreed to it OP? Like a text you can send back to her? Sounds stressful but I wouldn't get involved, DH needs to deal with this - you go ahead with your plans as normal.

Did you miss the bit where DH has kids on ex’s day to help her out?

Are you saying ex should pay for a babysitter when DH has the kids on her days?

How certain are you that he's even going to be back in time for Christmas? That would my bigger worry right now, especially post Covid when travel is pretty unreliable at the best of times

Lol no it isn't. We live overseas by necessity for DH's work and travel constantly, including at Christmas. It's not that bloody bad! Stop catastrophising at OP, it's highly unlikely her DH will have problems getting back for Christmas.

Yeah, if it were actually a work shift then why delay saying it?

This isn't your issue it's the mum's. As long as you are sure your DH agreed this in advance neither of you have done anything wrong. Get out of the house early even if it means soft play for a couple of hours with your toddler and don't engage further with her. Enjoy your night with your friends.

That’s just me

Yes, that’s just you. And I’ve seen you on other threads encouraging step-mums to be doormats.

Or encouraging people to think of other people mottytotty. People can use phrases like people pleasing and doormats but sometimes it’s just about helping people. I come from a family of nurses who go above and beyond for people (Covid they went house to house making sure people were ok etc) and I love that because everyone needs a dig out sometimes.

Thus making the stepmother more responsible for the kid’s feelings over the actual mother, who despite agreeing to swap has now decided she wants a night out instead. But obviously OP should cancel her plans with her own family, because that’s ‘helping’. It’s absolutely not being a doormat with tits 🫠

Perhaps the mother should be encouraged to think of her own daughter.

Don't give it another thought OP, absolutely not your problem! Have a lovely evening

A responsible parent would not take the risk of not getting home for Christmas in these circumstances, given the highly foreseeable risk of delays and very little margin for error. In doing so he would leave two women to carry the burden of doing Christmas alone with their children.

Were a member of his family at death's door or some other extenuating circumstances at play then that would be different, but there is no indication of that from OP's posts.

He sounds irresponsible, and no, I would not be saying any different if it were the mother rather than the father.

I am married to a husband who worked abroad all week every week for several decades. I also spend half my life abroad nowadays. Perhaps I speak from experience?

So SM has to suck it up because actual mum couldn't say " no, sorry I can't work/go out as I have DC then"? Why should SM's be held to a higher account than the parents?

The ex could also unchange her late plans she made while conveniently forgetting she was to have her own DC for one extra day. She'll be child free all next week until Saturday.

Hopefully shell remember that it's her week that also falls on New year's eve and hasn't made any plans.
Or is that a whole new post.

It's one day not the whole of Christmas! Not even Christmas day or eve!

If we're approaching this scenario from the "for the kids sake" point of view then the onus is on mum to have the DC tonight much more than OP. No matter how lovely OP is I'm sure the children would prefer to be with their actual mother as opposed to step mother.

notlucreziaborgia
ah I do agree both with you and everyone, it’s just people don’t change in a day and the kids have to go somewhere, that was honestly all I meant, just horrible they’re shunted around and not the op’s fault at all

Poor DC.

It's your night with them. I'd take them.

Problem solved, OP!
Let ex know that Terrence will take the kids so she can have her night out.

lol it wouldn’t be DHs problem either. She’s already agreed, it’s her problem.

No, it's THEIR DAD's night with them, and he's not in the country. Failing that, it's their other parent's job to make childcare arrangements, not another adult who is a) busy anyway and b) has also managed to arrange childcare for her OWN child.

Would I give up a childfree night to babysit someone else's children, even if I loved them dearly? Not a hope in hell.

No. Its your husband's responsibility to make plans for his child. And he did. With their mum. If their mum can no longer cover for him as planned, then she needs to tell him so he can come up with something else. However, this may well be that your husband asks you to step in. So you might want to think about what you'll do then. Its his cover that's fallen through, and he may well ask you to be back up. So while she's cheeky making direct contact with you, it might amount to the same thing anyway.

But obviously OP should cancel her plans with her own family, because that’s ‘helping’. It’s absolutely not being a doormat with tits 🫠

😂

He did. Now he’s not in the country and the only person available to look after them is their mother.

Yes, he could ask OP to help if he’s approached by their mother, but OP has plans and can say no. Presumably he knows of OP’s plans though, so hopefully he’d tell her that OP isn’t available (given that she isn’t). That means it’s on the mother to look after her own kid.

It’s hardly inevitable that regardless of whether she’s asked by her husband or his ex that OP has to assume responsibility for her.

🤣🤣🤣

LOL. I am strict, but kind. Not even if I was doing nothing would I take on a 10 and 12 yo on, on my own, plus my child (so 3 kiddies- I love kids), 2 days before Christmas when no doubt OP will be doing much if not all the cooking for the family. OP needs all the down time she can get before the Christmas madness as she rightly calls it. Also, did she even buy non Christmas food enough for the 2 kids a day earlier than expected? Yes. OP's flight might be delayed too for x-mas.

🤣🤣🤣