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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really pissed off with nursery about this?

305 replies

Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 16:31

I know I’ll probably be flamed for this but have been trying to potty train ds, obviously not very well. But FIVE piss wet through pants? He does pee on the potty when told, so AIBU to wonder wtf is going on?

OP posts:
Bertiesmum3 · 22/12/2023 18:32

Saschka · 22/12/2023 18:25

Rubbish, lots of children need prompting right through primary school. They don’t have the foresight to think ahead about access to toilets. DS has been potty trained since he was 2, he still needs the occasional reminder aged 7 if he is engrossed in something.

If OP tells her child to go to the toilet at breakfast, lunch, tea and bedtime, and he is dry in between, he is potty trained. She doesn’t need to wait until he knows he needs to go completely independently to start training him.

Show quote history

Your child needs the occasional reminder, OP child needs prompting all the time, there’s a difference

Original poster
Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 18:35

I think the problem is many are assuming he’s having five accidents a day which isn’t the case. Many days go by with no accidents. I do think going back to nappies is really a bad idea - we’ll never get anywhere if we do that. And nursery haven’t indicated in any way that they feel it would be better for him to be in nappies.

OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 22/12/2023 18:41

Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 18:35

I think the problem is many are assuming he’s having five accidents a day which isn’t the case. Many days go by with no accidents. I do think going back to nappies is really a bad idea - we’ll never get anywhere if we do that. And nursery haven’t indicated in any way that they feel it would be better for him to be in nappies.

So does he go most days at nursery with no accidents? If so it seems a bit mean spirited to be complaining about them, on the last day of nursery before Christmas where presumably the staff are exhausted and the kids all tired and over-excited and where they’ve probably been doing lots of Christmas activities all day whilst the staff also try to get everything closed down ahead of being closed for the period - fridges emptied, toys wipes down and cleaned etc. If this is just one unusual bad day and he’s usually dry then I think you really are over-reacting being annoyed in the first place! Maybe he was just too excited ahead of Christmas to tear himself away from the activities today when prompted, it might also be that he’s eaten or drunk something which has caused his bladder to be overactive. Foods/ drinks like squash, caffeine and some food colourings irritate my bladder and make me need to go a lot more frequently than normal and make it harder to hold. Have they had any Christmas treats to eat/ drink today at nursery?

Heyhoherewegoagain · 22/12/2023 18:42

Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 16:43

Guys, I do know he isn’t potty trained: I haven’t said he is. I have said we’re trying to potty train. I do know I’m obviously not going a very good job and it is getting me down a fair bit but I do think a few reminders are reasonable.

I don’t think it’s just catching wees as he does hold on for them. But doesn’t initiate the I need a wee conversation and I know we have to get there - just have no idea how Sad

I swear it is the most shitty thing ever pardon the pun.

Give yourself and him a break, pit him back in nappies for a month/6weeks and have another go…when they’re ready, they do it inside a week

Vavazoom · 22/12/2023 18:43

My DS took ages to potty train at 3. It was an absolute nightmare but luckily the preschool were quite pragmatic. He was ready, he is just extraordinarily stubborn and liked the ease of using his nappy. He got there in the end once he finally accepted the nappy wasn’t coming back and was dry at night from that point on as well. His understanding was quite good so whilst I didn’t tell him off I did tell him that it made me sad when he pooed in his pants. Your DS will get there in the end. It’s just a long and painful journey at times.

margotrose · 22/12/2023 18:46

DS has been potty trained since he was 2, he still needs the occasional reminder aged 7 if he is engrossed in something.

But there's a huge difference between needing a reminder but being able to hold it until then, and needing a reminder because you'll get wet yourself otherwise.

margotrose · 22/12/2023 18:46

Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 18:35

I think the problem is many are assuming he’s having five accidents a day which isn’t the case. Many days go by with no accidents. I do think going back to nappies is really a bad idea - we’ll never get anywhere if we do that. And nursery haven’t indicated in any way that they feel it would be better for him to be in nappies.

But if that's the case, it seems a bit unfair to be "really pissed off with nursery" just because he's had a bad day.

WillowCraft · 22/12/2023 18:49

Mrsttcno1 · 22/12/2023 17:35

I can imagine it is frustrating OP but you have to remember what you are able to do when one to one with him is very different to what the nursery are able to do with a one to eight ratio. What if every one of those 8 children have to be not just encourages but physically taken to a toilet and TOLD to have a wee the same way your DS needs to be? How does 1 adult do that for 8 children at the same time? It sounds like this is something you need to keep working on at home/when with you and keep nappy’s for nursery for now, with 5 accidents a day he clearly isn’t ready to be out of them yet, but you can build up to this outside of nursery

Nurseries deal with this by regular toilet time before snack, before lunch etc. Children line up and have a go before moving onto the next activity. Reception classes do this too. It's really not rocket science. Potty training children is part of the job of a nursery and they are usually pretty keen to get children potty trained. That said, some accidents are to be expected. A pp said 6 months and I think that's about right. Even after that some reminders and accidents are completely normal.

Original poster
Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 18:49

We aren’t going back to nappies unless recommended by nursery. @MolkosTeenageAngst i did acknowledge a while back I was being grumpy. Just a bit stressed.

OP posts:
Penguinandduck · 22/12/2023 18:51

My DD was ready physically at 3 but not psychologically- she would have an absolute genuine panic attack freak out at having to wear pants, I think she was terriefied of having an accident. We eventually went cold turkey and pushed though it at 3yrs 8 months, and she has literally never had a full on accident…..though she would hold onto her wee for HOURS to start with, like 5-6 hours, and the childminder sometimes had to put her in a nappy for “sleep time” even though she didn’t really sleep, just to stop her injuring herself. It took months but she’s fine now, for wee……she still asks for a nappy for poo at 4 yrs 4 months old! She’s terrified at the thought of it. Luckily not in school until next year!

So, from my experience, you’re better than we are in the sense that he’s willing, and trying! I honestly think I waited until she was a bit too old, and her understanding was too good and she knew enough to freak out at the idea of it. If I’d waited until she was willing and happy to do it I genuinely don’t think she’d be in pants before school.

Looneytune253 · 22/12/2023 18:52

Everyone is being ridiculous here. OP is correct to go for potty training whether ready or not at 3 year old. OP presumably you've got a cpl of weeks off now so will be able to get him a bit more secure. It is likely just the chaos of a Xmas week at nursery which is to blame for the many accidents. You're doing the right thing carrying on, he will get there. Nothing worse than parents waiting till a kid will do it themselves without parent input and they're still untrained when they go to school. That is bad parenting (sen needs are different)

FloweryName · 22/12/2023 18:58

I think you’re doing the right thing OP. You’re trying to teach your child something important that you believe he’s capable of learning and that can’t be wrong.

I’ve only read your posts OP so I’m sorry if I’m repeating, but you mentioned turning the TV off while you change him and that seems like a good idea. Or even better, make him go to the bathroom to change every time he has an accident so that he learns that he’ll have to go there wether or not he has an accident. You also said you’re using a potty, but going straight for the toilet might be better. He’s got more chance of learning the done thing from copying his parents.

Spirallingdownwards · 22/12/2023 18:59

Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 16:44

We’re not going back to nappies, I am tenacious if nothing else Grin

The thing is he can go a day with me without any accidents, of wee anyway. So he can do it. I do expect the odd accident but five is ridiculous.

By your own admission only because "you" are doing the toileting not him. If you remind or tell him he never gets used to the sensation of needing the potty.

Musicalmistress · 22/12/2023 19:08

Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 16:45

@Extratoebeans the staff ratios for 3 year olds are one to eight. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask one adult to remind eight children to go to the toilet every couple of hours, I really don’t.

I suspect that's because you've never actually worked in a nursery. Some children will be in nappies & need changed, some will need support with putting on/taking off jackets, using scissors, accessing activities, eating snack....ad infinitum. I'm sure if you've asked them to that the staff are asking/reminding him to go to the toilet but he can refuse as he's engrossed in activities and they can't force him to go. It's not the same as 1:1 at home 1:8 is much busier than you imagine!

BonjourCrisette · 22/12/2023 19:14

Training pants are your friend. I got reusable ones. They were wet and uncomfortable when mine had a wee in them, but held most in so fewer complete changes of clothes.

This type of thing:

Original poster
Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 19:15

The ones with an inbuilt sort of liner? We have some of those, but people are suggesting no underwear at all which I’ll try in the new year.

@Musicalmistress fair point! I’m honestly not an arsehole, just grumpy and frustrated Smile

OP posts:
Goinggreymammy · 22/12/2023 19:19

Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 16:41

Bit of a difference between every two hours or so and every twenty seconds Hmm

If he had 5 accidents and only needs to be reminded every 2 hours.... was he in nursery for 10 hours????

This is from a parent of 3... one of these had a potty training "fail", went back to nappies and left it months.... it worked much better second time round. Nursery/playschool isn't the same as home and children sonetimes behave differently there. Please don't make this a cause of stress for your son.

Doihavetogotoworkdotcom1 · 22/12/2023 19:20

It’s your job to potty train your child, not the nursery. So much lazy parenting.

Kittylala · 22/12/2023 19:22

So you're expecting a nursery to have to tell him to go potty? I think a nanny would be a better fit for you. 1 to 1 attention then.

Tweedledumdedum · 22/12/2023 19:22

I get the stress. My little one was potty trained at 20 months (before he could talk) and I had everyone telling me he wasn't ready. He was as he could understand what I was on about and was keen to stay clean. It's rare someone says they are ready, but I was like you - we had started and I wasn't going to undermine his confidence by stopping. I also believe that it takes time to learn a new skill - we don't expect someone to just be able to drive, we help and teach them.

We also have carpets. I recommend puppy training cleaning spray for accidents and going back to basics.

The game changer for us was getting him to decide that he needed to have a wee for normal life to carry on. For instance, we said that we were going to the park, but couldn't go until we had had a wee. He then chose to have a wee. To get him to tell us we would say "when you need a wee, your potty is there" and remind him that if he weed on the floor we'd have to stop playing/TV to get changed. And put the ball in his court. It only took a few days but he was younger and less stubborn than a three year old so I'd cut yourself some slack, take a deep breath and go again! Good luck!

Tweedledumdedum · 22/12/2023 19:23

Kittylala · 22/12/2023 19:22

So you're expecting a nursery to have to tell him to go potty? I think a nanny would be a better fit for you. 1 to 1 attention then.

I don't think it's unreasonable that between activities or meals they take them all to the toilet.

BonjourCrisette · 22/12/2023 19:24

Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 19:15

The ones with an inbuilt sort of liner? We have some of those, but people are suggesting no underwear at all which I’ll try in the new year.

@Musicalmistress fair point! I’m honestly not an arsehole, just grumpy and frustrated Smile

Yes, sorry, missed the link off!

https://www.bambinomio.co.uk/products/potty-training-pants

They worked for DD when nothing else did so worth a try, I reckon.

Reusable Potty Training Pants - Comfy & Effective | Bambino Mio

Transition smoothly with our reusable potty training pants. Comfortable, effective, and environmentally friendly, they're perfect for your little one's journey.

https://www.bambinomio.co.uk/products/potty-training-pants

Original poster
Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 19:24

I’d love a nanny but no money for one!

OP posts:
Ingibjörg · 22/12/2023 19:27

I don’t think you’ve necessarily done anything wrong @Undertheladder some kids are just harder to potty train than others. And some, I reckon, would never show signs of being ready, although they will learn when you teach them. I’ve potty trained 4 kids, 3 of them did it in the couple of days at barely over 2 - self-initiated. The 4th (not my 4th child, DC2 actually) had to be dragged kicking and screaming (not literally) into pants at over 3. He just did not give two shits, and did not want to be bothered. Also, one of his key character
traits is being very stubborn. Which can be excellent, but not so much when you want them to potty train and they don’t want to…we had him weeing in his pants for weeks, followed by continuing to poo in his pants for a good few months more. He just didn’t care, and would happily have stayed in nappies forever I think 🙄 and he was dry at night, so I knew it wasn’t bladder control! We just had to persevere and eventually he got there. 🤷🏻‍♀️ and wearing no pants didn’t help either…you’ll be pleased to hear that he completely got over that stage, and is now a thoroughly lovely teenaged boy!

Goinggreymammy · 22/12/2023 19:29

Sorry OP, I have just read more of your updates. I agree it can be a horrible stressful time for some parents. It honestly isn't you not doing a good job. It's your child's physical development and psychological readiness and security all mixed up with the daily situation. It isn't you. I had 3 totally different experiences with my children. The most important thing is not to stress about numbers of accidents, with my daughter who struggled (she could have 5 accidents in 2 hours!!) we went through all sorts of tests, medication for constipation etc but it wasn't until I just got into a mindset of "oh you're wet, let's change, now onto the next part of our day" with absolutely no comment that she had any success. I had to take all the emotion out of it. For both of us.

So it's good you recognise you are frustrated and stressed. But don't be annoyed with the nursery. It won't help.
Good luck. One day he will hog the bathroom and you will be banging on the door because someone else needs to use it and this will all be forgotten.