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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really pissed off with nursery about this?

305 replies

Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 16:31

I know I’ll probably be flamed for this but have been trying to potty train ds, obviously not very well. But FIVE piss wet through pants? He does pee on the potty when told, so AIBU to wonder wtf is going on?

OP posts:
Lockdownmummy · 22/12/2023 18:04

I honestly think it's the time of year... lots going on at nursery, Christmas excitement etc

My nursery definitely did some of the leg work in potty training DS but we did the late May bank holiday at home and there were 3 or 4 other kids that did the same so think it became a bit of a thing for all of them

As for poos took til the August bank holiday to start getting it (would wait for his bedtime nappy to go on....) Google Poo Goes to Pooland

RaginaPhalange · 22/12/2023 18:04

The nursery won't be allowed to force your child so if they ask if he needs to go to the toilet and he says no then there's not much else they can do other than encourage him to go

T0rt0ise · 22/12/2023 18:05

Because the research say it's better for children's bladders and bowels that they learn between 18 and 30 months?* Because I don't want the environmental cost of more nappies /nappy cream/nappy bags than necessary? Because I think have a nappy full of wee and poo on you for an unnecessary year is more unpleasant than being potty trained at a younger age?

*eric.org.uk/potty-training/

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 22/12/2023 18:05

You have my sympathy OP. I'm in a similar (ish) situation in that dc is much better at home than in nursery. However Mine is ND so i do expect it to take longer. Maybe when you're changing him make it a bit boring and slow so he makes the link that its quicker to go to the toilet to pee than doing it in pants and then having to get changed. You could also offer a reward/button/sticker and lots of praise if he ask you to go himself. He'll get there eventually.

Beago1dfish · 22/12/2023 18:05

Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 17:28

@PurBal sorry if I sounded grumpy Flowers the thread is full of ‘my ds trained in ten seconds flat’ so quite encouraged to see it can be a bit three steps forward and two back!

Hey OP! I have b/g twins. My LG was dry within a couple of weeks (just before she hit 3). My LB has just pissed on my foolishly expensive sofa. They’re now 9. He gets ‘lost’ in what he’s doing and doesn’t realise until it’s too late. He has always needed reminding. Oh, and my LG was dry day and night…until she went to school and she regressed to wetting the bed at night until she was 7!! Don’t beat yourself up. Some kids are easier to potty train than others. You just have to keep plugging away at it. And before anyone jumps on me, my LB is under the children’s bladder team (having already been under the LA nurse) and has had a raft of tests. Thus far, no discernible reason for his prolific peeing beyond it’s not a top priority for him!

supersonicginandtonic · 22/12/2023 18:06

My daughter has been in pants since July and is always dry when with me, but still has accidents at nursery. It's because they are occupied and engrossed in their play. It's not nurseries fault.

Original poster
Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 18:06

Thanks. I’m honestly not really annoyed, was just a bit frustrated and feeling like we’d taken a massive step back but I think it was just a bad day. I realise others would go back to nappies but genuinely believe that’s not right for us at this time. I’ll try commando in the new year. We are making progress, just slow!

OP posts:
SparklyOwls · 22/12/2023 18:07

Seriously please just take a deep breath. Why the hurry, are you comparing to other children? My son didn't really get it until he was nearly 4.

margotrose · 22/12/2023 18:08

HolidaysPleaseNow · 22/12/2023 17:53

To be fair, I have a child who has been toilet trained for two years now. She STILL doesn't initiate going to the toilet. She never has accidents though and never has, she can hold the toilet for hours and hours. But she only eventually goes when she's made to.

So for some kids, this is how they are. You can't just keep a kid in nappies forever till they tick every box

But your DD isn't having accidents - that's the difference. If OP's son could hold it until say, a break or lunch, it would be fine, but he clearly can't.

steppingcarefully · 22/12/2023 18:11

Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 16:45

@Extratoebeans the staff ratios for 3 year olds are one to eight. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask one adult to remind eight children to go to the toilet every couple of hours, I really don’t.

You clearly have never worked in a nursery!
Do you think this is the only thing a nursery worker has to do, monitor eight children and remind them to go to the toilet? If only! A child not potty trained with a parent insisting on sending them in pants is one of the most frustrating parts of the job.

Original poster
Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 18:11

@margotrose five accidents a day is not typical: if it was fair enough.

He can hold on.

OP posts:
JoyeuxNarwhal · 22/12/2023 18:11

5 in a day @Undertheladder? Is it possible he has a UTI?

Original poster
Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 18:12

@steppingcarefully they certainly haven’t communicated that to me, the opposite in fact.

If nursery said ‘look, we really don’t feel he’s ready’ I’d listen to that, but they haven’t, and in fact have been reassuring re accidents.

OP posts:
Original poster
Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 18:12

It isn’t impossible @JoyeuxNarwhal , although no other symptoms.

OP posts:
Bertiesmum3 · 22/12/2023 18:13

If he’s only going to pee when prompted, he’s not ready to be potty trained, he needs to stay in nappies for longer, a colleague tried to potty train her child too early and it had a negative impact on him.
Wait until he tells you he needs to use the potty, not you havto tell him, he’s only 3!!

margotrose · 22/12/2023 18:14

Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 18:11

@margotrose five accidents a day is not typical: if it was fair enough.

He can hold on.

I understand that, but he obviously can't hold it consistently and regularly which is why people are focusing on him needing to ask.

Either they need to be at the stage where they can hold it until they reach a toilet, or they need to be able to say "I need a wee please" every single time.

Original poster
Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 18:14

The thread is very divided between those who would only wait for a child to be ready (I am not sure what constitutes being ready) and those who would encourage first. I’m in the latter camp but understand why others feel differently. However, it might be helpful if the thread wasn’t just full of ‘he’s not readys’

OP posts:
sprigatito · 22/12/2023 18:16

Lots of three year olds aren't ready, especially boys. I think you should put him back in pull-ups and take the pressure off him. Toilet training too early is damaging, and if you're having to "force them a bit" then it's too early.

margotrose · 22/12/2023 18:20

However, it might be helpful if the thread wasn’t just full of ‘he’s not readys’

Do you not think everyone is telling you that for a reason, though?

People aren't saying it to be mean or to upset you, they're saying it to try and help you.

Saschka · 22/12/2023 18:25

Bertiesmum3 · 22/12/2023 18:13

If he’s only going to pee when prompted, he’s not ready to be potty trained, he needs to stay in nappies for longer, a colleague tried to potty train her child too early and it had a negative impact on him.
Wait until he tells you he needs to use the potty, not you havto tell him, he’s only 3!!

Rubbish, lots of children need prompting right through primary school. They don’t have the foresight to think ahead about access to toilets. DS has been potty trained since he was 2, he still needs the occasional reminder aged 7 if he is engrossed in something.

If OP tells her child to go to the toilet at breakfast, lunch, tea and bedtime, and he is dry in between, he is potty trained. She doesn’t need to wait until he knows he needs to go completely independently to start training him.

CrebillionFils · 22/12/2023 18:25

Not sure if you follow them (or if someone has already recommended them) but the women behind ‘Big Little Feelings’ (on Instagram) do a potty training made simple online class that all my friends with older children swear by.

Saschka · 22/12/2023 18:26

sprigatito · 22/12/2023 18:16

Lots of three year olds aren't ready, especially boys. I think you should put him back in pull-ups and take the pressure off him. Toilet training too early is damaging, and if you're having to "force them a bit" then it's too early.

Telling a three year old to go to the toilet before lunch is not “damaging”.

Merryandbright1170 · 22/12/2023 18:27

Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 16:37

I know he isn’t potty trained but he will go if told. I don’t think telling three year olds to go to the potty should be beyond them.

They have a load of other children to look after, they can't keep constantly reminding your DS to go on the potty. As you said he isnt potty trained and needs to be told

macaronicheezepleeze · 22/12/2023 18:29

Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 18:14

The thread is very divided between those who would only wait for a child to be ready (I am not sure what constitutes being ready) and those who would encourage first. I’m in the latter camp but understand why others feel differently. However, it might be helpful if the thread wasn’t just full of ‘he’s not readys’

Those who encourage it first may be saying that only because they happened to get lucky with a child who was ready when they wanted to start potty training.

Your son sounds like he needs reminded far too regularly and so you're not actually seeing how good is bladder control is. He's a biddable child who is willing to sit on the potty when reminded. That's not the same as a child who is actually ready to be out of nappies, as evidenced by the frequent accidents when he's not got someone constantly reminding him to go and pee.

By the time he finally cracks it you'll be thinking "see I knew he was ready" when you could have saved yourself months of accidents and started him the week before.

Everyone saying they cracked it in a few days or a week had children who were actually ready.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 22/12/2023 18:30

Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 18:14

The thread is very divided between those who would only wait for a child to be ready (I am not sure what constitutes being ready) and those who would encourage first. I’m in the latter camp but understand why others feel differently. However, it might be helpful if the thread wasn’t just full of ‘he’s not readys’

Sorry if you find suggesting he’s not ready unhelpful. Maybe it is just that you’re doing a poor job of training but you sound like you are doing the right thing and haven’t given up at the first hurdle, if people were saying he’s not ready after a few days of trying I’d understand disagreeing but a month is enough time to get an idea of whether it is clicking or not. Has he ever actually recognised the need to wee or taken himself to the potty without a reminder yet?

If somebody was complaining their 17-month-old wasn’t walking yet despite doing lots of exercises to try and get them there I think people would be saying you can’t push and force these things, children all do it at their own pace and just become some children walk at 9 months and quickly go from toddling to running doesn’t mean some babies don’t need longer. Personally I think it’s the same with toilet training, some kids just aren’t ready until later than others and you can’t necessarilly ‘train’ for it anymore than you can ‘train’ a baby to walk. There are things you can do to promote and encourage the skill, but if they’re not working yet even after a month it might indicate that your child isn’t at that stage of development yet and is just going to be later to master that skill than average. You wouldn’t push baby to crawl or walk or talk etc, personally I don’t know why toilet training is completely different. When a child is truly ready it does just click within a few days, if it’s taking weeks/ months you’re not really training you’re just choosing to spend the time between now and when he’s ready for it to click with him in wet pants and lots of stress for everyone. If it’s not going to click for another month or two (and it doesn’t sound like it will) my opinion would be you may as well just go back to pull-ups until that time and then start again and get it cracked in a few days rather than slog out the next few months with pants until he’s ready. But obviously your child your choice, it’s reasonable not to want to put him back in nappies until he’s ready, but then obviously don’t complain about wet pants if you’re choosing that path!