To be really pissed off with nursery about this?

[Undertheladder]

I know I’ll probably be flamed for this but have been trying to potty train ds, obviously not very well. But FIVE piss wet through pants? He does pee on the potty when told, so AIBU to wonder wtf is going on?

Really? In the past most children were trained long before 3, most much closer to turning 2. There's a school of thought that it's harder to train at 3 than 2. Special needs aside, surely most children are ready at 3, it will just take some a little longer.

You are taking your hang ups and prejudices about men and projecting them onto your young son.

If been a month then he is not ready

A Child who is ready is dry in a few days

Being told to go isn't potty trained

That's taking him to the toilet to prevent wet pants

Stop. Try again in a month or two

Do they have free access to toilets in nursery? My son hated being told to go and definitely never admitted to needing but if there was a toilet he could take himself to he would just go, mostly.

That's among the most appalling things I've ever read on MN. You should be ashamed of.

Being told to go isn't potty trained.

No, but it's a stage in potty training.
The OP's son is dry most of the time anyway so is clearly "ready".

Very few children are completely independently potty trained in a few days. Often they appear to be for a few days or weeks and then get fed up and go back to loads of accidents and needing reminders. That is really common!

I really hope this is a sick joke.

It's the Christmas break so, assuming you're at home, I would carry on encouraging him now.

He clearly understands what the potty is for if he uses it when you tell him, so put a potty in the living room or wherever you spend the most time with him. Put him in pants but leave him without trousers (or just leave him with nothing on the bottom half). He doesn't need to communicate to you that he needs a wee, he just needs immediate access to the potty.

This was effectively what I did with my son who chose the day after his newborn sister came home from hospital to decide he wanted to ditch the nappies.

This is awful , I feel so sorry for your son having a parent like this. He is 4 years old! My son is the same age and comes home with stained underpants sometimes, it's just a case of learning to wipe properly, not laziness. I seriously can't believe you make your son scrub his underpants

Have to admit I’m feeling a bit ‘oh fuck it all’ today. There’s so much contradictory advice. I do feel if we go back to nappies we will be back in them for a long time and almost certainly at school. Equally I am conscious of making no progress at all. I just wish I understood a bit more.

Relax he wont still be in nappies when he's 16.
Just take the pressure off you both.
He's your child you know him best but nurseries deal with these things daily and putting him back in nappies for a short time can work honestly!

See I understand it’s kindly meant but it’s not removing any pressure it I just ignore the nappies - it’s the opposite.

I get it! It's a really busy time of year for everyone & most folks nerves are frayed.
It does sound like he's not really ready but the nursery should be supporting you/him if you want to press on. What's your health visitor like? Our local ones are really good and will support families with toilet training as well as loads of other things.

One of mine wasn't ready until closer to 4, older siblings had all been 2.5. I didn't put any pressure on it. One day she was ready and didn't have any accidents. Far less stressful to wait until they're ready - it's really unlikely they won't do it by themselves before school. Such pressure that the earlier the better but it makes no difference in the long run. You'd never know which of my DC was the eldest to be trained.

I am a childminder and we do have a number of children in various stages of potty training. Even with reminding them (aka telling them) we do still have times when the children will wet through quite a few changes of clothes and yes it can be 5 lots depending on child. I have a little one in the setting who reacts to nearly every single brand of disposable nappy. They wear a reusable most times. First attempt at potty training they wet so many times in a day that we had to put a nappy wrap over their training pants so they didn't wet their last pair of trousers. We will be attempting again in the new year so am gearing up for lots of wet clothes until they are dry

If he's capable of weeing on command then I think he's ready. Don't stress about accidents, easier said than done I know but he will have to learn eventually to figure out for himself when he needs a wee. Don't get angry at the nursery for accidents. Accidents are how they learn, every accident they have is one step closer to being fully potty trained. Really helped me to think of it like that when I went through it with my two.

You have my sympathies, both of mine were never ready either - at least not before 3 so like you I decided enough is enough they will wear pants from now on until they learn and of course they got it eventually. Felt like forever at the time. Maybe they would have been miraculously ready at 3.5/4, maybe not. You're right in that people would pass judgement either way, so do what you think is best.

My mother came to stay. She firmly told him that big boys of three didn't wear nappies and it was disgusting He got his special Buzz Lightyear underwear if he was going to be a big boy. I was amazed when one day he came into the bathroom clambered up on the child step, used the loo (we had a special small child seat in place), flushed and then washed and dried his hands. He was perfectly day trained from then on. Whenever we went past the nappy section in the supermarket he took to hissing, "Disgusting!" For what it's worth he adored his grandmother and they were very close. He doesn't seem to have been harmed by the experience. Incidentally, we always dressed him so that he could easily pull down what he was wearing eg tracksuits bottoms rather than fumbling with buttons and zips.

I am amazed how late parents leave it, to be honest. When my three children were little, there were two requirements for starting playgroup. They had to be two and a half, and out of nappies. It really wasn't a problem. This was in the late sixties and early seventies. Disposable nappies were available but I used cloth ones, which was a factor, I am sure.

Did you take some time off to potty train him -it's recommended to do it for like a week before sending him off on his own. I'd recommend you focus on it over Christmas if possible.

Yabu being cross at nursery for him having 5 accidents. A 1 to 8 ratio means they don't have time to coax & cajole each child.

I'm an ex childminder & would be seriously annoyed if a parent just sent their child one day in pants without having invested time training them. If they're physically & mentally ready though, I've seen a bribe/reward chart work wonders. Good luck

Honestly I don’t really know what to do.

He can do it but won’t. He’s shat his pants three times today and I’m ashamed to admit I’ve burst into tears called him a dirty little boy (I know I know) and put a nappy back on him. Also chucked the potty in the bin. I am well aware I’ve failed miserably. Just so fucking fed up. I don’t know anyone else with a three year old kid in nappies who isn’t special needs.

Being ready doesn’t just mean can do it, but also will do it.
and it sounds like he is not ready.
continuing when he is not, and making a big drama out of it, may result in withholding- and that will be even less fun (as you will have to deal with disempactation).
be kind to yourself and your little boy - apologise for earlier, and ask him if he would like to continue with nappies for a little while.
my DS refused to go to the toilet until he was four. Just would not do it. Even with all the rewards, games etc. you could put him on the toilet and he’d wait until after.
eventually he got round to it, and I was very relieved he managed to do it before school.
yes, you buy nappies for longer, but it will save both your sanities to not force it if he doesn’t want to.

I can only dream of withholding 😭

I know, I’m dealing with it all really badly but I just don’t know what to do. And the problem is going back to nappies doesn’t save my sanity, it feels like the ultimate parenting failure to be honest. For now the potty is in the bin and is staying there. I never want to see the fucking thing again tbh. I think perhaps withdrawal from nursery for now is all we can do.

My daughter is almost 4 and while she’s been dry ages poos have been and still are a huge issue. I have HATED potty training, you’re not alone.

I haven’t read every reply sorry but you mentioned you don’t want to do the ‘oh crap’ method because you have carpets? I’m not sure of the link between the two, it’s a really simple to follow guide and it’s basically naked from the waist down for a day or two and observing and initially catching wees and then progressing to loose shorts/trousers and eventually pants. She recommends pants don’t go on till a few weeks later. You want to see progression from clueless to I did a wee to I am weeing to I need to wee, that takes time. I’d recommend the book, it addresses all sorts of things including children around age 3 and self initiating. And it gives you one source to work from rather than the million opinions of the internet.

You might hate that I’ve suggested this book but I found a structure and reference point helped us loads.

My unsolicited advice would be leave the nappy on today and tomorrow, and then give yourselves a few days at home between Xmas and new year and try again.

@OrangeSlices998 thank you. Honestly I may have to use oh crap given nothing else has worked but the problems I have are …

1. unless I’ve misunderstood, you basically have to watch your child like a hawk and put them on the potty once they start to wee or poo. I know I won’t be fast enough (disability) and as soon as I go for a pee or drink myself he’ll pee everywhere and yes ruined carpets but also just general 🤢 (crawling baby)
2. in don’t like naked kids running round, or naked anyone really, I’m just not totally comfortable with it
3. i just don’t ’see’ how it works, at all? How is having him naked different to pants on and quickly down? Is it to do with cues? I genuinely don’t think he has any, just suddenly pees or shits everywhere.

Hi. I'm a nanny /mn

I know many children 3 in nappies - often boys as they are later than girls

You aren't a failure

Quite normal

Take the pressure off yourself

Put back in nappies.

Try in a month or 3mths