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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really pissed off with nursery about this?

305 replies

Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 16:31

I know I’ll probably be flamed for this but have been trying to potty train ds, obviously not very well. But FIVE piss wet through pants? He does pee on the potty when told, so AIBU to wonder wtf is going on?

OP posts:
Original poster
Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 17:06

I’m not trying to sound defensive. I’m a bit stressed and that’s probably why I sound defensive but actually I agree I obviously haven’t done a very good job. It’s hard to know though as none of the suggestions I’ve read have worked so I’ve just had to bite the bullet really. I’m worried he’s going to start school peeing himself and be bullied Sad

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 22/12/2023 17:06

It also seems like he's doing a lot of wees in a day if he's having 5 accidents and nursery or weeing as soon as he gets home and then as soon as you've changed him. Since potty training, DS normally does a wee in the morning and a wee before bed and then maybe 2 or 3 max during the day.

Hall84 · 22/12/2023 17:07

We did oh crap. It took 3 days (day & night with a handful of accidents) but I had a nappy refuser once she'd seen her slightly older cousins. Depending on which stage of 3 I'd be tempted to wait till the summer if you like your carpets.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 22/12/2023 17:07

Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 17:00

@NoKnit thats exactly it. His wees are massive. He’s definitely physically ready. He just isn’t saying ‘I need a wee.’ I’ve been saying OK ds we need to have a wee now and alls been fine.

So yesterday for instance all day - no accidents. Maybe three big wees? Then got in and he wet himself. My fault, should have reminded him. Clean trousers on and he wet himself again. Made the mistake of leaving him without trousers and he peed on the floor Hmm I genuinely wish I knew where I’d gone wrong 😭

I think you’ve gone wrong in trying to train him before he’s ready. What is his communication like in general? What’s he like at recognising cues in his body? Can he recognise and communicate when he’s hungry/ thirsty/ full? Can he recognise and communicate if he’s too hot/ cold and needs to change clothing? Can he recognise and communicate when he’s tired? What about if he is in pain, can he say what and where hurts? Is he able to communicate when he needs help with other things from familiar adults? When he’s wet/soiled does he notice and is he bothered by the feeling?

Some aspects of potty training can be trained, but if his interoception is poor and he doesn’t feel and recognise when he needs a wee/ poo there isn’t necessarilly anything you can do about that other than wait until he is a bit older and able to recognise and interpret his body’s cues better. It doesn’t mean you’re doing a bad job, your methods might be great, but just as you can’t get a baby/ toddler to walk or talk until they are ready you can’t toilet train if they’re not ready. All children develop at their own rate, I would just go to pull-ups and put potty training on the back burner now over the rest of winter. Still remind him to go when he’s home with you but at least accidents will be contained and you’ll have less laundry to do. Try again in the spring, if he’s ready by then you’ll probably find it only takes a few days.

LetMeOut2021 · 22/12/2023 17:07

svenandmolly · 22/12/2023 17:04

Just get on with it then.

A week off, no nursery, do the job properly first time and it'll be the last time you need to do it.

Op, you're really defensive and I understand it but doesn't sound like you've trained him properly

Yes I used annual leave and had 5 days off with both of mine.

Everydayimhuffling · 22/12/2023 17:08

He'll get there, OP. Nursery can't make him go, and if he is busy doing something exciting then he's less likely to go when he's reminded. That makes it harder for them.

For what it's worth, I think the expectation that they'll never need reminding is basically nonsense. My 5 year old needs reminding sometimes and she's been trained for nearly 3 years. My 3 year old definitely needs telling. He's doing better now, but there was definitely a period where he was usually fine at home and was still having at least one accident per day at nursery. He tells them now, but sometimes he's a bit late with the telling!

Original poster
Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 17:09

I do a LOT more than that, @mynameiscalypso ! Wondering if I’m abnormal now probably

Theres a lot of different literature out there but broadly most seem to agree that NT three year olds are ready.

OP posts:
Iwishiwasasilentnight · 22/12/2023 17:10

Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 16:45

@Extratoebeans the staff ratios for 3 year olds are one to eight. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask one adult to remind eight children to go to the toilet every couple of hours, I really don’t.

It’s 1 to 13 if they have a qualified teacher in the room.

If you keep telling him when to go then he’s never going to experience the sensation of needing to go so he can’t learn when he needs to go.

Hall84 · 22/12/2023 17:10

We did it over bank holiday. Day 3 was awful but into nursery with 1 accident on day 4.

OhmygodDont · 22/12/2023 17:11

It does sound like his not ready.

There’s reminding and then there is only ever hitting the potty when told to.

There’s don’t forget to go toilet and wash your hand before lunch vs Go to the toilet now for a wee randomly.

We had the potty as almost a toy before even thinking of training so they where used to it and would sit on it randomly just because.

Original poster
Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 17:11

There aren’t qualified teachers in the room.

I won’t be saying anything - besides, he’s broken up for Christmas now - but I do feel a bit let down and I am very worried.

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 22/12/2023 17:11

Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 17:09

I do a LOT more than that, @mynameiscalypso ! Wondering if I’m abnormal now probably

Theres a lot of different literature out there but broadly most seem to agree that NT three year olds are ready.

Ha, I also do a lot more than that too but I have a notoriously weak bladder (thanks DS...). I wonder if he's not maybe emptying his bladder fully which is making him need to go quite soon after?

Original poster
Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 17:12

I do know what you mean @OhmygodDont but at what point do you just have to get on with it?

I mean, let’s say he’s not ready at 4. Goes to school in nappies? That’s not very far off really.

OP posts:
luckylavender · 22/12/2023 17:13

Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 16:37

I know he isn’t potty trained but he will go if told. I don’t think telling three year olds to go to the potty should be beyond them.

You know it's Christmas and the staff have a roomful of excited little children?

hanschristmassolo · 22/12/2023 17:13

I feel your pain OP

My boy twin is 3 and I'm going to start training in earnest over the Xmas break - his twin sister has been dry for months already

How long have you been training him for? I only ask because I would say my girl twin took a good 6 weeks of being home with me over the summer hols (off and on obviously as I work full time but with my mother a lot) before she really could be relied on to go without reminders and she was also dry with me but lots of accidents with others

I wouldn't have relied on the childminder doing it regularly with so many other kids there so I think lots of accidents are to be expected at this point

calishire · 22/12/2023 17:13

I definitely think there are two schools of thought on this one... 1. Wait for as long as possible until they are "ready" 2. Just do it even if the process isn't as quick. I potty trained my son before he was "ready". Sometimes it was frustrating. But tbh lots of reminders and accidents were preferable to me over nappies, In fairness, I used reusable nappies anyway so the process meant less laundry anyway. Young children need lots of reminders. I don't think loads of three year olds don't feel the urge, I think they actually just don't give a monkeys if they wet themselves and are too lazy to stop what they are doing to use the toilet! Sounds like you are doing ok OP and I agree with the PP about learning not being linear. I wouldn't get too upset with the nursery though. I'm sure they are taking him but he just doesn't care.🙈

Original poster
Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 17:13

@mynameiscalypso its weird, he genuinely does go fine for me. I know what people mean about only going when told but if he just won’t volunteer this info then not sure what else to do, other than leave him until this elusive ‘ready’ point but I am a bit concerned this could be far too late tbh.

OP posts:
Nacknick · 22/12/2023 17:14

How old is he?

Original poster
Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 17:15

@calishire i agree with you - I do think he knows, but can’t really be bothered. I’ve toyed with actually being a bit firmer, not horribly but eg turning tv off while I clean him up.

OP posts:
Whatsinthebag2 · 22/12/2023 17:15

I think there's a lot nowadays that people say about them 'not being ready'. A three year old is absolutely able to learn these skills, whether 'ready' or not, in my opinion. I don't think at all they have to initiate themselves to be ready.
He will get there if he's being reminded to go and I would expect nursery to take him hourly if he needs that still.

svenandmolly · 22/12/2023 17:16

Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 17:06

I’m not trying to sound defensive. I’m a bit stressed and that’s probably why I sound defensive but actually I agree I obviously haven’t done a very good job. It’s hard to know though as none of the suggestions I’ve read have worked so I’ve just had to bite the bullet really. I’m worried he’s going to start school peeing himself and be bullied Sad

Do the book. It's worth it

mynameiscalypso · 22/12/2023 17:16

@Undertheladder I remember feeling exactly the same way at Christmas last year. Didn't help we were doing school applications and I was picturing him having daily accidents at school. So much can happen between now and then though; DS got it over the Easter holidays and has been absolutely fine at school (he's just finished his first term in Reception). We were actually going to defer him because of the potty training issue but luckily he grasped it just in time before we had to make a final decision. For what's it's worth though, lots of his class do have the odd accident and nobody at school (teachers or classmates) cares at all.

Whatdoido1987 · 22/12/2023 17:16

My ds was slower with potty training, we left a potty out but had him in pullups..he was ready at 3.5, I know you don't want to go backto Nappies but hesbclearly not ready just yet x

hanschristmassolo · 22/12/2023 17:17

I think at 3 it's perhaps stubbornness and laziness more than anything? I've tried all the tricks with boy twin and it will be tough love I'm afraid from Boxing Day.

LetMeOut2021 · 22/12/2023 17:17

Whatsinthebag2 · 22/12/2023 17:15

I think there's a lot nowadays that people say about them 'not being ready'. A three year old is absolutely able to learn these skills, whether 'ready' or not, in my opinion. I don't think at all they have to initiate themselves to be ready.
He will get there if he's being reminded to go and I would expect nursery to take him hourly if he needs that still.

IME people say they aren’t ready when they aren’t prepared to invest the time and energy into making it happen. Kids potty train later and later.