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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really pissed off with nursery about this?

305 replies

Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 16:31

I know I’ll probably be flamed for this but have been trying to potty train ds, obviously not very well. But FIVE piss wet through pants? He does pee on the potty when told, so AIBU to wonder wtf is going on?

OP posts:
svenandmolly · 22/12/2023 17:29

macaronicheezepleeze · 22/12/2023 17:28

I just don't understand. This sounds stressful for everyone. Why the rush? Don't you like to lessen stress in your life? As PPs have said, it's Christmas. Give the wee guy (and yourself) a break.

The rush is the child is THREE. Will start school in September and needs to be allowed some dignity. Which means toilet training!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/12/2023 17:32

Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 17:06

I’m not trying to sound defensive. I’m a bit stressed and that’s probably why I sound defensive but actually I agree I obviously haven’t done a very good job. It’s hard to know though as none of the suggestions I’ve read have worked so I’ve just had to bite the bullet really. I’m worried he’s going to start school peeing himself and be bullied Sad

Potty training a child, in winter (when they can’t run round wearing very little, and it’s harder doing lots of laundry), and in the run up to Christmas - I don’t blame you for being stressed, @Undertheladder!

I think @ImTiredBoss’s post sounds very sensible and hopefully it is helpful too.

Please don’t worry that he won’t be potty trained - I’m sure that he will get it well before school - the vast majority of children are, I think. It can take longer for boys to be fully potty trained than girls - I had three, but as they are 26, 28 and 30, the potty training days are well behind me, and the memories are a bit of a blur. I do remember the fun of potty training ds1 at the same time as ds2 was learning to crawl. Ds1 was good at taking himself to,use the potty, but I had to watch like a hawk because, if I didn’t, ds2 would try to pull himself to standing on the potty, and catapult the contents all over himself! So helpful! 😂

hanschristmassolo · 22/12/2023 17:32

@svenandmolly

See previous comment about for a few minutes not bloody days

macaronicheezepleeze · 22/12/2023 17:32

The rush is the child is THREE. Will start school in September and needs to be allowed some dignity. Which means toilet training!

September is a long time away. A few months of a reset could make all the difference in his development. Rushing like this is only causing him and his mother, and by the sounds of it the staff in the nursery, far too much stress.

The OP needs to take a break and reset in the new year with a new plan as this one is clearly not working.

Onelifeonly · 22/12/2023 17:33

Have you got some time off where you can focus on it at home for a few days? My eldest was hard to train. I don't think she got the hang of recognising the signs. Even after she was dry at night, she'd panic after realising she needed a wee and sometimes wet herself before she could reach a toilet. Youngest it was literally 3 days (aged 2 and a half). I prepared myself for much longer and was totally surprised.

If it's going to be harder for your son, which it sounds like it is, I'd try to get him trained at home first, if possible. Nursery is a totally different, busier and more distracting environment than home.

Original poster
Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 17:34

@macaronicheezepleeze - I do think he’s ready. If I don’t push it, he can’t do forest school (which he loves) and stays in the room without his friends. I do think encouraging him is the right thing to do. If he was showing absolutely no signs fair enough but I do think he can.

OP posts:
gerispringer · 22/12/2023 17:34

I agree the “not ready” argument is spurious. Many 2 year olds are potty trained, indeed all 4 of mine were trained by 2.5, some earlier. Disposables are so easy that many busy parents just leave it later and later. Those of us that used Terry nappies had much more incentive to get them out of nappies, and back in the day mums didn’t work full time as much so could invest in the time needed. I’m with you OP, don’t put him back in nappies, he’ll just get the idea he doesn’t need to bother. Whenever he’s home just leave the pants off, pop him on the potty regularly maybe a bit of bribery with a chocolate button for every time he uses the potty.

Original poster
Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 17:35

@Onelifeonly yes and no. I am not currently working but I’m not sure staying at home is necessarily going to make a massive difference to where we’re currently at, which is pretty much weeing when told / prompted.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 22/12/2023 17:35

I can imagine it is frustrating OP but you have to remember what you are able to do when one to one with him is very different to what the nursery are able to do with a one to eight ratio. What if every one of those 8 children have to be not just encourages but physically taken to a toilet and TOLD to have a wee the same way your DS needs to be? How does 1 adult do that for 8 children at the same time? It sounds like this is something you need to keep working on at home/when with you and keep nappy’s for nursery for now, with 5 accidents a day he clearly isn’t ready to be out of them yet, but you can build up to this outside of nursery

Original poster
Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 17:37

Five accidents is just today though - sometimes it’s one or two, other times none. I think reverting back to nappies with the resulting staying in the old room etc is the wrong move at the moment. If still no progress in a couple of months fair enough.

OP posts:
kimchio · 22/12/2023 17:37

Speak to them. Ask if he can go when a friend goes.

kimchio · 22/12/2023 17:38

Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 17:37

Five accidents is just today though - sometimes it’s one or two, other times none. I think reverting back to nappies with the resulting staying in the old room etc is the wrong move at the moment. If still no progress in a couple of months fair enough.

Yes don't go back to nappies if he goes when prompted

SerpentEndBench · 22/12/2023 17:38

Wait, a child who is not continent (ie, in nappies) is not allowed to do Forest School?

oneflewoverthe · 22/12/2023 17:40

My friend tried to potty train her daughter before she was ready. It took months of accidents and stress because she refused to put her daughter back into nappies. With my DS he was almost 3 but barely had any accidents and now at 3.5 he never has any. If he's having accidents 5 times a day he's clearly not ready.

macaronicheezepleeze · 22/12/2023 17:40

Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 17:34

@macaronicheezepleeze - I do think he’s ready. If I don’t push it, he can’t do forest school (which he loves) and stays in the room without his friends. I do think encouraging him is the right thing to do. If he was showing absolutely no signs fair enough but I do think he can.

It doesn't sound like he's ready but if you think he is then there's something in your approach that's not working.

Let go of being angry at nursery and read up on some other methods of potty training that you can try while he's off for Christmas. It's not an ideal time but if he's wetting himself 5 times at nursery, something has to change.

LetMeOut2021 · 22/12/2023 17:41

SerpentEndBench · 22/12/2023 17:38

Wait, a child who is not continent (ie, in nappies) is not allowed to do Forest School?

My children’s preschool won’t accept children who aren’t potty trained full stop (unless they have a suspect learning disability). For children, like my youngest, who is a summer baby they have to be trained by the time they’re 3!

macaronicheezepleeze · 22/12/2023 17:41

SerpentEndBench · 22/12/2023 17:38

Wait, a child who is not continent (ie, in nappies) is not allowed to do Forest School?

Not where I live 🤷🏻‍♀️

Lunde · 22/12/2023 17:41

There is a huge difference in when children are ready. But when they are truly ready it goes really quickly. DD1 was 26 months but DD2 took a lot longer. Like you you I tried to push ahead at all costs because of her age -3½ - but looking back it was a huge mistake as she wasn't fully ready and she injured herself severely and I feel really bad about that. I stopped at once and we tried again a few months later and it took 24 hours.

Multipleexclamationmarks · 22/12/2023 17:42

Why do you think they're not sending him to the toilet? Have they said they're not?
I used to work in nursery and when they're toilet training we sent them hourly but lots still had accidents because they would either not sit on the toilet long enough then wet shortly after they got off or refuse to go and then have accidents or just not acknowledge that they need to go. Its a different environment than at home and they often don't want to leave their play, think someone else will take their toy while they're in the toilet or are just too engrossed in what they're doing. Short of punching them in the bladder we couldn't get the wee out forcibly!

I work in reception class now and accidents are still pretty common there even though we sent them all to the toilet at morning break, lunch and afternoon as well as them having free access to the toilet at any time they need.

Fact is some children just get it easier, don't like feeling wet more than others.

Alarae · 22/12/2023 17:42

I can sympathise OP- this was my daughter in September as we started potty training in August. A lot of it was to do with the fact she was getting distracted having too much fun, so then doesn't register that she needed a wee and to ask to go or hold it.

It's frustrating, but it really did sort itself out one day! We also had the issue that she was perfect at home (we weren't even telling her to go) but something wasn't clicking in nursery.

Don't know what caused the issue to go away and neither can the nursery. I think it's just getting used to the feeling of needing the toilet in another setting and putting the two together.

It's a pain for washing but it is temporary. I remember the despair of constant washing well.

Nottodaty · 22/12/2023 17:42

I had the same with my second, sometimes she was amazing …other times she would sit on potty/toilet 30 mins later happily engaged playing with something pee all over the floor.

I stopped trying waited till it was warmer and she could wear crocs - she was much more ready. Though still wasn’t fully dry at night till she was nearly 5. My eldest was fully dry before she was 3.

Lochness1975 · 22/12/2023 17:43

OP he’s not ready yet

HMW1906 · 22/12/2023 17:43

You do realise that he isn’t the only child they’re looking after don’t you?

SerpentEndBench · 22/12/2023 17:44

I am astonished. It used to be when my children were little that the DDA (this is 15/20 years ago) stated that continence should not be a bar and that as some disabilities are hard to identify in very young children, settings were not allowed to bar children in nappies.

Sorry for the derail, OP.

Original poster
Undertheladder · 22/12/2023 17:44

@macaronicheezepleeze I’ve already said I’m not angry really, more frustrated and worried. Even if I was a whinger (I’m not) I wouldn’t be complaining or anything, just before Christmas. I’m not angry so much as upset.

But after Christmas I’ll try to agree a system with them. Five accidents isn’t normal and hasn’t happened before today but I will admit I’m a bit exasperated with DS and nursery.

OP posts: