Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Walked out of family Christmas lunch and cancelled plans for Xmas day as felt ignored

666 replies

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:09

Big family lunch today , MIL kept saying how she thought I looked ‘pale’ and ‘unwell’ going on about why I wasn’t drinking etc etc etc. just generally being irritating and critical.

In the end I told her the truth ( I hadn’t wanted to ruin a family event with bad news) that I’d had a MC a couple of weeks ago . When I said she said nothing ?? Started telling me that actually I just hadn’t been eating properly I thought maybe she hadn’t heard ?? So I explained again and she just said nothing then walked off to talk to SIL??

I burst into tears . We left and dh called her when home and she tried to ignore it again - he then asked her what the issue was with her acknowledging it? She proceeded to say women find out too early now (I had told her I was 12 weeks???) and it’s no more than a heavy period and she can’t entertain my attention seeking over that .

Im so upset that we’ve said we are not hosting them on Xmas day now

OP posts:
gnarlynarwhal · 23/12/2023 21:20

Wensleydales · 23/12/2023 21:04

Dh has ignored his phone all day we went out and left it at home as it kept ringing !! We are sticking to our guns they are going to have to sort themselves out this year

Good for you. Maybe that might make her think twice before dishing out such hurtful comments in the future.

AnotherOldBag · 23/12/2023 21:30

This is honestly one of the worst things I've read on here. What an absolutely callous woman. I presume she's never had a miscarriage - but that doesn't excuse her awful behaviour.
I am so sorry for the loss of your baby, OP, and that you have to endure this on top of it. I think I would go very low conract after this.

Fortunefavoursthebrave · 23/12/2023 21:32

So sorry for your loss, you’re absolutely right to cancel hosting. Her reaction is quite odd.

Ulysees · 23/12/2023 21:33

Have a wonderful Christmas OP 🎄🎄🎄

pickledandpuzzled · 23/12/2023 21:41

Well done. Unlike others here, I do understand where she was coming with her initial remarks, however-

the following messages were absolutely outrageous and she needs to have a careful think about her behaviour.

Stick to your guns and do Christmas without having to worry about what she’ll say next.

whitebreadjamsandwich · 23/12/2023 21:42

You have a gift in your dh who has been unwavering in his support of you here - so often unheard of on mumsnet!

EvilElsa · 23/12/2023 21:43

You've made the right decision there, well done both of you. I hope you have a brilliant and peaceful Christmas!

YungWarthog · 23/12/2023 21:43

meercat23 · 23/12/2023 12:58

Oops, that was meant to be 10-12 weeks not months. 10-12 months would definitely have been traumatic!

Show quote history

I second this. My mother is in her late 60s and went by the 2 missed periods means you’re pregnant. Miscarriage before that is just a late and heavy period according to her.

scoobysnaxx · 23/12/2023 22:13

GOOD FOR YOU.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm so glad you're not taking this callous shot and your DH is fully on board despite it being his DARLING mother.

Have a very happy Christmas.

Screw them!

Raindancer411 · 23/12/2023 22:16

Will they just turn up?

whynotwhatknot · 23/12/2023 22:16

does it really matter what people used to do back then and oh we just got on with it

its 2023 just about and if someone loses a baby theyre allowed to be upset ffs

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 23/12/2023 22:35

Keep your door locked.. And ignore the phone. And try and have a relaxing Christmas..

AuntMarch · 23/12/2023 22:36

I'm so sorry for your loss, and for your having such an awful MIL.
Enjoy a peaceful Christmas with your DH. While he is very much doing the right thing, it must be hard for him to acknowledge his own mum is such a dick so I feel for him too. But not her. I hope she steps on lego.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 23/12/2023 22:36

I hope she steps on lego

Harsh but fair 😅

wronginalltherightways · 23/12/2023 23:01

Your DH is definitely a keeper, OP.

SequentialAnalyst · 23/12/2023 23:45

@whynotwhatknot said
does it really matter what people used to do back then and oh we just got on with it
its 2023 just about and if someone loses a baby theyre allowed to be upset ffs

But the point being made by many posters is that we didn't just get on with it - or not all of us. It obviously can be an emotionally painful thing to happen (it was for me, v early, (am a Boomer)), and I bet it has been for women down through the centuries.

maddening · 24/12/2023 00:05

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:57

FIL has now called dh telling him that MIL has been feeling unwell and dh needs to talk to her as she’s anxious they won’t get a Christmas shop now that we’ve let them down I dont know whether to laugh or cry

Dh can tell his father that his mum is being dramatic, it is only a lunch - surely that is how she sees things - she needs to get over herself.

So sorry for your loss OP, she is awful, glad dh is supporting you x

Pigsinpainauchocolat · 24/12/2023 00:34

Wensleydales · 23/12/2023 21:04

Dh has ignored his phone all day we went out and left it at home as it kept ringing !! We are sticking to our guns they are going to have to sort themselves out this year

👏👏👏

Quite right. The less contact the better with this toxic pair.

WilmaWonka · 24/12/2023 01:22

So sorry OP. The MIL’s response (or rather lack on one) at your sad news was absolutely horrible.

She’s obviously someone who doesn’t know how to deal with stuff with this. Even the most foot in mouth or not really very empathetic person would have said something like ‘sorry to hear that, no wonder you look a bit peaky’ etc. Especially with a close relative (her own son’s wife). I wonder if she has had a miscarriage herself in the past and had the view, perhaps gained from other people, that it was ‘nothing’ and just a missed period. Not excusing her response at all but the lack of a general one and ignoring what you said was odd.

I certainly wouldn’t have entertained her after that so you are DNBU!

She’ll probably now make herself the victim now you have rescinded the Christmas invite so will probably tell everyone her son banned her from Christmas just a few days before and she had no food in. All his wife’s fault for having a hissy fit. Be prepared for that!

I agree it’s a bit of a generalisation to say the older generation are dismissive of miscarriages/pregnancy loss. My grandmother and mother (in their 70’s and 50’s at the time) was very upset when I had a stillbirth at 32 weeks. My sister, in her 30’s then, was surprised we had were having funeral as it wasn’t a ‘real baby’! Some people are just unfeeling dicks whatever their age.

Fraaahnces · 24/12/2023 02:05

A wanted baby is a wanted baby, no matter what that old battleaxe says. This was YOURS and DH’s baby. Not a bloody goldfish.

Mushroomsouptonight · 24/12/2023 02:10

CanaryCanary · 22/12/2023 16:11

Jesus. She’s a bitch. I’m sorry for your loss. Definitely don’t host.

This.

What an insensitive woman. 12 weeks. She continually said nothing then said you were attention seeking. That's vile

mantyzer · 24/12/2023 02:15

OP is she insensitive with other things too?
Because if not it just sounds like the attitudes she would have been brought up with. And she probably has had a miscarriage herself.

Weehectorreturns · 24/12/2023 03:14

Absolutely not unreasonable. I’m so sorry for your loss.

I certainly wouldn’t be wanting her - an insensitive cow - anywhere near me let along be expected to plate up her Christmas lunch. Do Christmas exactly how you’d want it this year and maybe, if it feels right, put a little distance between you for a bit. Family dynamics suck at the best of times but she now knows your husband has your back and that you both have boundaries. I hope you and your husband find some peace this Christmas.

DreamTheMoors · 24/12/2023 04:51

My mum had a miscarriage in 1953.
She was still telling me how sad she was in 2016.
She died at 96 in 2017.
It hurts. And it’s something you don’t forget.
Mum’s favourite thing to say us was, “Be good to yourself,” @Wensleydales

Bookworm1111 · 24/12/2023 06:10

Wensleydales · 23/12/2023 21:04

Dh has ignored his phone all day we went out and left it at home as it kept ringing !! We are sticking to our guns they are going to have to sort themselves out this year

Your DH is gem! So glad he’s got your back.

Are they the type to just turn up still though? And have they been sending flying monkeys in with messages - i.e DH’s siblings?

Swipe left for the next trending thread