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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Walked out of family Christmas lunch and cancelled plans for Xmas day as felt ignored

666 replies

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:09

Big family lunch today , MIL kept saying how she thought I looked ‘pale’ and ‘unwell’ going on about why I wasn’t drinking etc etc etc. just generally being irritating and critical.

In the end I told her the truth ( I hadn’t wanted to ruin a family event with bad news) that I’d had a MC a couple of weeks ago . When I said she said nothing ?? Started telling me that actually I just hadn’t been eating properly I thought maybe she hadn’t heard ?? So I explained again and she just said nothing then walked off to talk to SIL??

I burst into tears . We left and dh called her when home and she tried to ignore it again - he then asked her what the issue was with her acknowledging it? She proceeded to say women find out too early now (I had told her I was 12 weeks???) and it’s no more than a heavy period and she can’t entertain my attention seeking over that .

Im so upset that we’ve said we are not hosting them on Xmas day now

OP posts:
JANEY205 · 23/12/2023 12:17

Beautiful3 · 23/12/2023 08:53

I do find that older people view miscarriages as just a heavy period. They don't see it as losing a baby, but just an egg that didn't take. She probably doesn't understand why you're so upset. It's a generational thing. I know you're upset by your loss, and feeling all over the place right now. I do think cancelling their invitation to Christmas dinner, will affect your relationship with them in the future. Is it worth falling out with them?

A MiL of anyone currently trying for a baby is NOT ELDERLY ffs! Can we just stop with this shitty excuse now? Many of us have said how lovely our Grandmothers who actually ARE elderly have been when we have had our own losses. Age also isn’t a viable excuse to behave like such a total bitch, double down via such a spiteful text and then sen your husband to bitch and moan you may not get any food shopping in. Stop trying to suggest anyone have empathy for a MIL who has NONE.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/12/2023 12:18

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:13

She’s text me to say that she’s sorry but that she thinks I over react and stress too much so that won’t have helped 🤦‍♀️

Noooooooooooo she didn't. That's such a horrible reply!
I'm so sorry about your miscarriage and I'm so sorry she had first dismissed it and then blamed you!!!! Awful horrible toxic woman.

The only silver lining here is you never have to do anything for or with her again xxxx

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/12/2023 12:20

It also sounds like another positive is you have a really good husband who has supported you appropriately x

ConnieCroydon · 23/12/2023 12:48

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

meercat23 · 23/12/2023 12:58

meercat23 · 23/12/2023 11:18

I am guessing that I am probably from a generation before this MIL, so firmly in the boomer category. Can I just comment on this 'missed period' thing.

In the times before pregnancy testing was easily available to all, it could happen that you would miss a period and begin to think that you could be pregnant, Then at about 6 weeks or so maybe a heavy period would appear and you were never quite sure if it was a late period or a MC. However, after 8 weeks and two missed periods no-one I ever knew would have thought of it as a missed period or as something trivial or to be glossed over.

By the time you get to 10-12 months you would be starting to think that you were 'safe' and a loss at that time would be physically and emotionally traumatic. Again, no-one I knew would have been dismissive about that,

Oops, that was meant to be 10-12 weeks not months. 10-12 months would definitely have been traumatic!

Greenpolkadot · 23/12/2023 14:08

girlfriend44 · 22/12/2023 21:35

Just leave it, why do people advocate texting. Don't you think they might then be tempted to text back, then you've got to think of something else. It then goes into tit for texting until someone gives up.

Best advice is to leave it for now. Silence is very powerful. Very powerful indeed. If you do talk, get together face to face not through texting.

Show quote history

Totally agree. Silence speaks volumes.
Rise above it op , it makes you look far more intelligent than that spiteful bag

HarrietStyles · 23/12/2023 15:15

Wensleydales · 22/12/2023 16:57

FIL has now called dh telling him that MIL has been feeling unwell and dh needs to talk to her as she’s anxious they won’t get a Christmas shop now that we’ve let them down I dont know whether to laugh or cry

The hypocrisy that they are trying to get sympathy for MIL because she feels unwell about it all ………. when this whole saga started because she couldn’t give sympathy and support to you being unwell! And now she’s feeling stressed/anxious when she was accusing your stress of being a contributing factor in your MC. I think everyone reading the post can see who the attention seeker is in the family and it isn’t you OP! I hope you and your lovely supportive DH have a relaxing and stress-free Christmas x

Thriving30 · 23/12/2023 15:31

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Yanbu at all. All she had to do was offer her condolences and support. I'm glad your DH had your back and stuck up for you. I hope you manage to have a nice Christmas the both of you. 💐

Thepeopleversuswork · 23/12/2023 16:08

I’m sorry, she sounds an utter bitch with no sensitivity or self awareness. I think ultimately you will come to feel glad she’s no longer in your life but sorry for your loss.

DoesMaryNotDrive · 23/12/2023 16:27

We are doing our Christmas shop tomorrow. We will have a leisurely breakfast and be at the shop for opening time tomorrow at 10am.

MIL and FIL can also have a leisurely breakfast whilst they ruminate on their behaviour, and then do a Christmas shop.

Ulysees · 23/12/2023 16:57

DoesMaryNotDrive · 23/12/2023 16:27

We are doing our Christmas shop tomorrow. We will have a leisurely breakfast and be at the shop for opening time tomorrow at 10am.

MIL and FIL can also have a leisurely breakfast whilst they ruminate on their behaviour, and then do a Christmas shop.

Edited

Are you the OP?

DoesMaryNotDrive · 23/12/2023 16:59

Ulysees · 23/12/2023 16:57

Are you the OP?

Show quote history

No, just a poster saying it is possible to do a Christmas shop the weekend before Christmas, as OP’s PIL are piling on the guilt trip about no food.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 23/12/2023 17:03

Dh has just left to go shop for our Christmas for 10 guests...

Ulysees · 23/12/2023 18:16

Ok thought OP had a ncf

KnittedPond · 23/12/2023 18:19

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 23/12/2023 17:03

Dh has just left to go shop for our Christmas for 10 guests...

We only did ours this morning. Eight for dinner, four more later on, plus a whole new set on the 27th.

GirlsAloudReturnMadeMyYEAR · 23/12/2023 18:23

What a despicable bitch my God op I'm so so sorry

Maddy70 · 23/12/2023 18:26

Seems to me that while it was completely crass and hurtful i dont think it was intentional and she was clumsy

She was showing concern for you, she was not expecting your reply and she panicked saying all the wrong things while trying to acknowledge it and "trying" to make you feel better (while making things worse!)

She has thought on and is embarrassed and she has apologised

As hurtful as it was i would cut her a bit of slack

Im sorry for your loss

Bookworm1111 · 23/12/2023 18:56

Maddy70 · 23/12/2023 18:26

Seems to me that while it was completely crass and hurtful i dont think it was intentional and she was clumsy

She was showing concern for you, she was not expecting your reply and she panicked saying all the wrong things while trying to acknowledge it and "trying" to make you feel better (while making things worse!)

She has thought on and is embarrassed and she has apologised

As hurtful as it was i would cut her a bit of slack

Im sorry for your loss

Er, are you reading the same comments from OP???? The MIL wasn't embarrassed – she doubled down with a spiteful text saying it was OP's fault because she was stressed. Then she sent in flying monkey FIL to moan that they weren't getting their Xmas dinner. Why on earth should OP cut her any slack???

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 23/12/2023 18:59

Mil is only sorry she is being inconvenienced.... My mil expected dp to leave our premature dc and go on an annual trip with her. When he refused their /our relationship never recovered.. Been nc 9 years in January..

Namefleeting · 23/12/2023 19:07

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 23/12/2023 18:59

Mil is only sorry she is being inconvenienced.... My mil expected dp to leave our premature dc and go on an annual trip with her. When he refused their /our relationship never recovered.. Been nc 9 years in January..

I feel you! I was in hospital having had an unexpectedly premature baby the week of my mother in law's birthday. Obviously the birthday (not even a big birthday) slipped my mind, and evidently my ex's too, but it was brought up to me (Me! Not even their son!) how she felt so let down ( when I sent quite a cute belated one a week late) Madness!

Original poster
Wensleydales · 23/12/2023 21:04

Dh has ignored his phone all day we went out and left it at home as it kept ringing !! We are sticking to our guns they are going to have to sort themselves out this year

OP posts:
Santaiswashinghissleigh · 23/12/2023 21:10

Nothing wrong with sticking to your guns up. Glad your dh has your back.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 23/12/2023 21:11

Well done, as someone said, silence is powerful. ILs will be having a massive panic now because they won't know if you've relented or if they need to do a trolley dash tomorrow.

And your DH is a hero for backing you up and sticking to it.

Notonthestairs · 23/12/2023 21:16

They will be fine for Christmas food shopping. I hope you don't give that aspect a further thought.

You deserve a heartfelt apology which acknowledges that your MIL hurt you when you are/were very vulnerable and in need of a bit of care & love.

Olika · 23/12/2023 21:20

Well done for sticking to your guns. Don't give in. And I hope you and your DH manage to have a relaxed and as lovely Xmas as you can.

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