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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

None of my kids are coming home for Christmas

274 replies

FigsnPears · 22/12/2023 15:38

I have 4 children
DS1 is 22
DD and DS2 are 21
DS3 is 19

We've known all year DD wouldn't be with us for Christmas, she's been travelling since the end of June, is in Australia right now so wouldn't be practical. We were told though that all the others would be coming home as they have every other year. Last Friday DS3 told us he had been offered some shifts at his part time job including Christmas Day and the pay was good so he wanted to do it, he's at uni in Exeter and we are north west so makes sense he can't make it now, disappointing but it's ok.
DS1 called last night and said he won't make it, he told me if he comes his girlfriend will be alone and she can't come up (they live in London) as she is a nurse and working over Christmas. Right fine.
DS2 is a masters student, this morning he called saying he's really sorry but his girlfriend had thought he was going to hers for Christmas and coming here for new year, he doesn't want to let her down so he will be coming for new year instead.
DS1 is flying out to Sydney to meet his sister for NYE and DS2 is having a flat party with his uni friends so we just won't see them.
I'm now really sad and down about not seeing any of them.
Haven't seen DD since her graduation in the summer (where she literally flew back from Germany for 1 day and we barely got to see her), this was also the last time we got to see DS1, haven't seen DS2 since his birthday in August and DS3 since he went back to uni at the end of September. Empty nest syndrome is really taking over.
I'm so tempted to send a message and say I hope they all have a lovely Christmas but next year can we be more transparent and organised as we have way too much food now and could have made other plans.
DH thinks this would be unfair and we should just embrace a quiet Christmas.

AIBU to want to send that message and feel really sad?
How do you cope with the first Christmas with none of your children home?

OP posts:
Cornishclio · 23/12/2023 04:07

I think you are entering the next phase of your lives now as your children are independent and have careers and partners which means there are going to be other pulls on their time. It is a shame that none of them are able to come but the food can be frozen, donated etc. did you just assume they were home for Christmas or did you actually ask them beforehand? Embrace the fact you are now free to do what you want and have a relaxed laid back Christmas rather than the full on Christmas you have had in the past. Lots of my empty nester friends (my daughters are local so we do see them on either Christmas Day or Boxing Day) go abroad. Or to a hotel for Christmas as something different.

I am with your husband and wouldn't say anything. Laying a guilt trip on them won't be good for your relationship. Just see if there is a weekend they can all do early in the year. You are all scattered about the country though so it may always be tricky.

InflatableSanta · 23/12/2023 04:39

Thanks @justanothermummma i love the lake District Smile

hellsBells246 · 23/12/2023 09:09

StBrides · 22/12/2023 15:45

Yes, let's teach young men that lack of consideration is perfectly acceptable(!)

They pull out of Christmas last minute there's absolutely no reason they shouldn't have some appreciation of the impact it has. No one has suggested she guilt trip them, her desired message is very reasonable .

She also shouldn't be encouraged to swallow her feelings for the sake of peacemaking. Fgs.

This!

Isthisexpected · 23/12/2023 09:47

I think if you forget the fact they're your kids, three adults have pulled out of a commitment with a few days' notice. It's not the end of the world.

But, I'd be and will be I'm sure when it happens to me, very sad not to see any of my children for Christmas.

StillWantingADog · 23/12/2023 09:58

Though I wouldn’t admit it to them, I’d be mightily peeved that they hadn’t ducked out earlier making it feasible to go on a Christmas (skiing?)) holiday instead

NeedToChangeName · 23/12/2023 09:58

Two separate issues - (1) not seeing children at Christmas is a pity but not unreasonable (2) adults cancelling with little notice is shabby

I'd keep quiet for now, but next year point out that food was wasted and you might have made other plans if you'd known in advance they weren't coming

notsub · 23/12/2023 10:02

I can understand your disappointment (one of mine is away for Xmas too) but I would just do something totally different.

Don't try and have the same sort of Christmas you have with them or you'll feel it all the more. I'd either book a last minute holiday/few days away or go for a hike and take a picnic.

Is there anything that takes your fancy?

Tooshytoshine · 23/12/2023 10:10

Stick stuff in the freezer and eat like royalty in January.

Don't send the message. They are just being slightly feckless young adults and they will all really miss you and regret their choices - the message is unnecessary.

Book to go away at Xmas next year or just before Xmas. Make your own new traditions - you should be proud that your kids are such independent and well adjusted people

Berealstic · 23/12/2023 17:34

Some parents, should be relieved about that. Just chill out. Christmas is not the only time when people get together

Justontherightsideofnormal · 23/12/2023 17:36

Oh I’m feeling so sad for you. Enjoy your quiet Christmas with your DH. Take comfort in that your Dc are enjoying their Christmas. Next year check on plans or DC early so you are prepared then have the best planned Christmas you can :)

Boomer55 · 23/12/2023 17:40

Sad they’re not coming home, but youngsters fly their wings and do their own thing.

Just have a nice time anyway. 🙂

pinkspeakers · 23/12/2023 17:41

I'm surprised how relaxed most people are about this. It's not about not recognizing that they are now independent adults with other priorities. If you kicked up a big fuss about them deciding not to come home for Xmas a few weeks ago, that would be unreasonable. As well as my student-age kids, my siblings and their families are coming for Xmas. If they told me on the 22nd that they weren't coming then, bar proper crises, I would be seriously pissed off! And it's not because I think they are obliged to come.

Womencanlift · 23/12/2023 17:50

pinkspeakers · 23/12/2023 17:41

I'm surprised how relaxed most people are about this. It's not about not recognizing that they are now independent adults with other priorities. If you kicked up a big fuss about them deciding not to come home for Xmas a few weeks ago, that would be unreasonable. As well as my student-age kids, my siblings and their families are coming for Xmas. If they told me on the 22nd that they weren't coming then, bar proper crises, I would be seriously pissed off! And it's not because I think they are obliged to come.

I’m very surprised too. And I bet if it was a MIL changing their mind 3 days before the responses would be very different

It is just rude to change plans this close to Christmas and if that meant me and DP being apart, so be it. We are together the rest of the year. My family to me is my whole family not just the one I live with

Christmas is the only time our family gets together as one big group and I wouldn’t miss it for the world

margotrose · 23/12/2023 17:57

pinkspeakers · 23/12/2023 17:41

I'm surprised how relaxed most people are about this. It's not about not recognizing that they are now independent adults with other priorities. If you kicked up a big fuss about them deciding not to come home for Xmas a few weeks ago, that would be unreasonable. As well as my student-age kids, my siblings and their families are coming for Xmas. If they told me on the 22nd that they weren't coming then, bar proper crises, I would be seriously pissed off! And it's not because I think they are obliged to come.

Exactly. I said the same up thread.

It's the fact that they committed to a family Christmas and cancelled at the last minute. It's just rude.

InflatableSanta · 23/12/2023 17:59

pinkspeakers · 23/12/2023 17:41

I'm surprised how relaxed most people are about this. It's not about not recognizing that they are now independent adults with other priorities. If you kicked up a big fuss about them deciding not to come home for Xmas a few weeks ago, that would be unreasonable. As well as my student-age kids, my siblings and their families are coming for Xmas. If they told me on the 22nd that they weren't coming then, bar proper crises, I would be seriously pissed off! And it's not because I think they are obliged to come.

I don't think it's remotely ok for them to have done this. But I think emotions run high at Christmas and op will be better placed to discuss in the new year.

Trillie · 23/12/2023 18:00

Girlfriends come and go but your parents are always there, until they aren’t. I’d say don’t send the message, you and your husband have a relaxed and quiet Christmas, tell your son you are away for the New Year and won’t be available.

Next year you and your husband take yourselves off again and let them make shift for themselves over Christmas. I’d particularly nip that “it was a misunderstanding” rubbish in the bud now. Bring them to heel a bit.

jrc1071 · 23/12/2023 18:05

YABU. They have their own lives now and that needs to be accepted

I guess another way of looking at it is that you did your job right, they now finally have lives of their own. Now it’s time for you to go live and create yours outside of your children.

Nannydoodles · 23/12/2023 18:21

It’s a shame they didn’t give you more notice so you could arrange something else but try to think they are happy, independent individuals living life as they wish, it doesn’t make them selfish just pulled in different directions maybe.
My Mother guilt tripped my sister and I for many years about having her every Christmas Day, even when my son was abroad and I would love to have gone there, we both ended up feeling really resentful and saw Mum out of duty not because we actually wanted too ( we did have a difficult relationship though anyway).
I’m not suggesting that your relationship is anything like this OP but don’t make them feel guilty as I’m sure deep down they probably do already.

Engagebrain · 23/12/2023 18:21

No don't send a message you have to let them do their own thing now they're grown ups. Christmas is just another day after all.

Lincslady53 · 23/12/2023 18:25

We are on our own this year. Daughter has gone to Colombia for an adventure holiday, son will be working. So we have just finished our 2nd Christmas dinner with son, had one with daughter last week. Looking forward to Christmas Day with just the 2 of us, the first time in my life, at the age of 70. Really pleased that my kids are making their own way, and instead of spending Christmas day cooking and tidying up, we are going to have a lazy morning, a steak dinner, which is much nicer than turkey, and perhaps go for a walk before christmas cake, cheese and a glass or two of port. Sad we are not all together, but it is only a day, and I would rather my two are making their way in the world than lazing about in front of the telly in a food coma.

geobun · 23/12/2023 18:27

No don't send the message. It's guilt tripping and not fair.

Highlyflavouredgravy · 23/12/2023 18:30

Those of you saying " don't say anything. They are all adults with their own lives" ...would you accept this shit from anyone else?
If you had other family...brothers. sisters, inlaws or whatever all planned to come for Christmas and they all dropped out 3 days beforehand, you'd just say " oh well they are adults?"
Fuck that shit!

You would be furious snd rightly so

Sceptre86 · 23/12/2023 18:34

I would send the message. Along the lines that you are happy they will all be having a lovely time for Xmas but next year would like them to be firmer about their plans so you are not ordering and wasting food or so that you and your dh can make alternative plans of your own. They isn't or shouldn't see as guiltripping. They are adults, why should you swallow your feelings when your 3 boys can't even be arsed getting their plans together.

margotrose · 23/12/2023 18:35

jrc1071 · 23/12/2023 18:05

YABU. They have their own lives now and that needs to be accepted

I guess another way of looking at it is that you did your job right, they now finally have lives of their own. Now it’s time for you to go live and create yours outside of your children.

It's not about them having their own lives.

It's about them cancelling at the last minute because they've had a better offer.

Whostolemymojo · 23/12/2023 18:57

Wow OP. It’s sounds to me as if you have done a great job parenting!

They are all living their best lives, they sound like they care about others, they have great work ethics etc.

It is sad for you as they are your babies, but they are all at that age where the world is so enticing and they all seem valid reasons to not be home. In a few years you will probably have the opposite problem and wonder how you are going to fit all the grand kids and partners round the table.

for now maybe just mention that a bit more notice in future would be preferable!