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AIBU?

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Original poster

None of my kids are coming home for Christmas

274 replies

FigsnPears · 22/12/2023 15:38

I have 4 children
DS1 is 22
DD and DS2 are 21
DS3 is 19

We've known all year DD wouldn't be with us for Christmas, she's been travelling since the end of June, is in Australia right now so wouldn't be practical. We were told though that all the others would be coming home as they have every other year. Last Friday DS3 told us he had been offered some shifts at his part time job including Christmas Day and the pay was good so he wanted to do it, he's at uni in Exeter and we are north west so makes sense he can't make it now, disappointing but it's ok.
DS1 called last night and said he won't make it, he told me if he comes his girlfriend will be alone and she can't come up (they live in London) as she is a nurse and working over Christmas. Right fine.
DS2 is a masters student, this morning he called saying he's really sorry but his girlfriend had thought he was going to hers for Christmas and coming here for new year, he doesn't want to let her down so he will be coming for new year instead.
DS1 is flying out to Sydney to meet his sister for NYE and DS2 is having a flat party with his uni friends so we just won't see them.
I'm now really sad and down about not seeing any of them.
Haven't seen DD since her graduation in the summer (where she literally flew back from Germany for 1 day and we barely got to see her), this was also the last time we got to see DS1, haven't seen DS2 since his birthday in August and DS3 since he went back to uni at the end of September. Empty nest syndrome is really taking over.
I'm so tempted to send a message and say I hope they all have a lovely Christmas but next year can we be more transparent and organised as we have way too much food now and could have made other plans.
DH thinks this would be unfair and we should just embrace a quiet Christmas.

AIBU to want to send that message and feel really sad?
How do you cope with the first Christmas with none of your children home?

OP posts:
TheMoth · 22/12/2023 18:26

Christmas just wasn't a big thing for me at those ages. I went home, because I had nowhere else to go, but I was barely actually at home. My parents were really boring and the pub was way more exciting. As were the men I met there in Xmas eve.

My kids are now early teens, but I'm not arsed about whether they come home for Xmas one day. But then, I'm looking forward to when I don't have to bother with Xmas anymore.

5128gap · 22/12/2023 18:32

Your two older sons have been rude and inconsiderate. They should have sorted their plans with their GFs and told you in good time what was happening. Your youngest son, yes fair enough. You daughter, no fault there. So yes message, but send to those with whom you have justification to be put out. Don't focus on your feelings and disappointment at not seeing them, as that's unfair. Focus on their behaviour in leaving it until you had got the plans in place before dropping out. They need to learn to treat you more courteously.

Noturkeyinaldi · 22/12/2023 18:32

Don't message. Have a calm face to face conversation in about August. Tell them you'd love to have them but it's fine for them to have other plans, but you need to know by say October, as if they aren't visiting, you and DH might go away on a city break (or whatever) which needs planning

DragonMama3 · 22/12/2023 18:40

Wait till they have kids. They'll be back.

StarvingMarvin222 · 22/12/2023 18:40

I would take this year as a learning curve.
Have a quiet Christmas and maybe next year so what you want to do.

After all it was inevitable it was going to happen,it just happened sooner than you'd like.

DragonMama3 · 22/12/2023 18:44

Take the high road - go on a cruise. Spend their inheritance!

DragonMama3 · 22/12/2023 18:45

Go to the Bahamas for NY! Spend more inheritance...

Eekmystro · 22/12/2023 18:47

DragonMama3 · 22/12/2023 18:40

Wait till they have kids. They'll be back.

I’ve seen a few comments like this. In my family though kids meant being less likely to see parents/grandparents on Xmas day.

margotrose · 22/12/2023 18:48

DragonMama3 · 22/12/2023 18:40

Wait till they have kids. They'll be back.

I wouldn't be so sure, there are loads of threads on here from people who don't seem to want anything to do with their parents/in-laws on Christmas Day now that they have kids!

DragonMama3 · 22/12/2023 18:53

margotrose · 22/12/2023 18:48

I wouldn't be so sure, there are loads of threads on here from people who don't seem to want anything to do with their parents/in-laws on Christmas Day now that they have kids!

Show quote history

aww. That's sad

Caspianberg · 22/12/2023 18:56

If you haven’t seen them since the summer why is that? Have you offered to travel down to them also? As it’s a bit one way expecting them to be the ones that should visit you since summer if you haven’t gone down to Exeter for London once in the last 6 months either

StuckinaMUD23 · 22/12/2023 19:05

Try not to be sad

You have completed your duty as a parent & successfully launched your children out into the world !

In future, I would suggest asking if anyone will be home for Xmas much earlier in the year.

If nobody is coming, you could book trips away

Holly60 · 22/12/2023 19:07

I agree not to send the message. I bet they know that you will be upset and are probably feeling a bit guilty and conflicted.

I wonder if they will realise afterwards that no one was home and feel doubly bad.

They will also massively appreciate you not making them feel worse about a tricky situation.

Also their partners will probably appreciate you being breezy about it too and it will make their next visit much more relaxed if you can refrain from the guilt trip that will no doubt be relayed or even possibly brought up in an argument etc.

As they mature and realise what these things mean to parents they will look back and be in awe that you were so understanding.

Put the food in the freezer, and have a lovely get together in the new year with them all. at that point you can insist that they find a date they can all come home. You wont need to say its to make up for christmas - they will realise and make an effort, id think.

in the meantime, have a chat with DH about what will make the day special, and focus on making some new plans

saoirse31 · 22/12/2023 19:10

Im with your dh. Your adult children are all doing great , be happy for them. Freeze the excess food. Enjoy your Christmas. Make plans to visit dd in Australia , praise ur ds 's for being great partners!

Kittylala · 22/12/2023 19:27

Oh god let them live their lives and have their fun.
I see mine most days and the one year in my 43 years I've decided not to go to theirs (I live down the road) and let the kids have their day and im told she's feeling miserable and depressed. I'm fed up with it and I'm expected to perform to her expectations. My siblings have all buggered off and have wonderful traditions of their own.
Be happy for your children. Life changes. Adapt and get on with it.

Thementalloadisreal · 22/12/2023 19:40

Send them a message saying you wish them all a happy Christmas and would love a big family meal in the new year to spend some time together.

Then spend your Christmas Day eating all the treats, drinking wine, watching your favourite films and having sex on the sofa

Shootin · 22/12/2023 20:25

Thementalloadisreal · 22/12/2023 19:40

Send them a message saying you wish them all a happy Christmas and would love a big family meal in the new year to spend some time together.

Then spend your Christmas Day eating all the treats, drinking wine, watching your favourite films and having sex on the sofa

😂😂😂

TheBlessedCheesemaker · 22/12/2023 20:44

Don’t make them feel bad - when they do come next time you won’t know whether it is from choice or guilt…

Our household… I have told the kids to do whatever they want at Xmas, without ever feeling bad, so long as every Easter - without fail - is ‘ours’. All the guilt gone… but an annual event to always look forward to, knowing they will move Heaven and Earth to get here for Easter. It works.

SecondUsername4me · 22/12/2023 20:46

Maybe I'm in the thick of the teen years, but a sudden unexpected Christmas just me and dh (and a fuck ton of food) sounds like a dream.

Lots of fresh morning walks and brunch out, back for naps and some wine and cheese x 7 days

Bliss.

Tacotortoise · 22/12/2023 20:56

Don't make them feel bad - when they do come next time you won't know whether it is from choice or guilt...

...and just think how much fun you'll have each year in the run up to Christmas waiting to see whether they come as agreed or flake.

I don't demand people spend Christmas with me but I do expect to be treated with courtesy and not like something that can be dropped or picked up on a whim.

IhaveanewTVnow · 22/12/2023 21:05

I’ve always said that as soon as my kids say they are not here for Christmas I will be off to Tenerife. Why don’t you book a last minute break somewhere hot and spend Christmas differently.

RedToothBrush · 22/12/2023 21:06

I think in the new year I'd be sending a message saying, "I'm really pleased you have all had a great Christmas. I'm glad you all have so many things going on. However I'd really like to be able to plan next year properly. If you want to do things with other people that's great but what I don't want is to be the default option and be dropped at the last minute because you have suddenly have a better offer or something more important as that ruins what I have planned and makes me feel a little taken for granted. If you don't want to come home that's really fine but now you are all grown ups, please can you give me the opportunity to make other arrangements if you guys all have other priorities. I don't want to leave any of you home alone but equally if you are all busy, we might like to take the opportunity to go on a nice holiday too! So please can you be a little more organised so everyone is happy and we can all have the Christmas we thought we were having rather than making arrangements at the last minute which leave us unable to do our own thing."

twilightcafe · 22/12/2023 21:09

Bring it up next September/October.

The food is bought. Nothing you can do about it now.

RedToothBrush · 22/12/2023 21:14

margotrose · 22/12/2023 18:48

I wouldn't be so sure, there are loads of threads on here from people who don't seem to want anything to do with their parents/in-laws on Christmas Day now that they have kids!

Show quote history

DHs parents aren't interested. They visited yesterday. They visit for two hours, keep an eye on their watch and then leave at exactly two hours. Complaining that they don't know DS. We've not needed them for childcare like DHs siblings have. They've made a big thing about going away on massive long holidays four times a year, or are busy with DS's cousins and they've been away every Christmas since DS has been 1. They have seen us once this year. Yesterday for two hours.

We don't get on terribly well with them, but equally bitching that they don't know DS has annoyed me, given they don't even pretend to bother.

FrenchandSaunders · 22/12/2023 21:33

@IhaveanewTVnow that's exactly what we say 🤣. Christmas in the sunshine