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AIBU?

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Original poster

None of my kids are coming home for Christmas

274 replies

FigsnPears · 22/12/2023 15:38

I have 4 children
DS1 is 22
DD and DS2 are 21
DS3 is 19

We've known all year DD wouldn't be with us for Christmas, she's been travelling since the end of June, is in Australia right now so wouldn't be practical. We were told though that all the others would be coming home as they have every other year. Last Friday DS3 told us he had been offered some shifts at his part time job including Christmas Day and the pay was good so he wanted to do it, he's at uni in Exeter and we are north west so makes sense he can't make it now, disappointing but it's ok.
DS1 called last night and said he won't make it, he told me if he comes his girlfriend will be alone and she can't come up (they live in London) as she is a nurse and working over Christmas. Right fine.
DS2 is a masters student, this morning he called saying he's really sorry but his girlfriend had thought he was going to hers for Christmas and coming here for new year, he doesn't want to let her down so he will be coming for new year instead.
DS1 is flying out to Sydney to meet his sister for NYE and DS2 is having a flat party with his uni friends so we just won't see them.
I'm now really sad and down about not seeing any of them.
Haven't seen DD since her graduation in the summer (where she literally flew back from Germany for 1 day and we barely got to see her), this was also the last time we got to see DS1, haven't seen DS2 since his birthday in August and DS3 since he went back to uni at the end of September. Empty nest syndrome is really taking over.
I'm so tempted to send a message and say I hope they all have a lovely Christmas but next year can we be more transparent and organised as we have way too much food now and could have made other plans.
DH thinks this would be unfair and we should just embrace a quiet Christmas.

AIBU to want to send that message and feel really sad?
How do you cope with the first Christmas with none of your children home?

OP posts:
AShiningThongOfAngels · 22/12/2023 21:46

Eyesopenwideawake · 22/12/2023 15:41

Be thankful that you raised independent and happy children and stick the excess food in the freezer.

This. Plus you have what sounds like a nice husband. I've been there and done that, but without even a horrible husband to keep me company!

SkaneTos · 22/12/2023 21:46

OP, thank you for the update!
It sounds like you and your husband have raised great children, who are now great adults. Well done! You just had a bit of miscommunication right now.

Merry Christmas!

girlfriend44 · 22/12/2023 21:57

Yes go on op send that text and then wonder why there's a fallout and you see them even less. 😐

Some people aren't seeing their sons and daughters over Xmas as they've passed. You've got four happy healthy kids, be thankful.

Think what you have not what you haven't.

Whattheheckcarer · 22/12/2023 22:15

Disheartening for you, but don't forget that the pandemic must have been heard at their ages too - they are probably still trying g to meet their needs to be out and about and making their lives.

Stress101 · 22/12/2023 22:22

I would be sad too @FigsnPears especially with the late notice. I don't have much advice as mine are still young teenagers. However I did say today that I hope they all come back to me for Christmas when they move out/have partners etc.

Missedvocation · 22/12/2023 22:30

I find the whole ‘go to mummy and daddy’s for Christmas’ thing very weird if I’m honest. They’re adults. Independent adults. Emotionally blackmailing them to come / come in future years is awful and will only drive them away. Adults can go where they like for Christmas.

fuckmyuteruslining · 22/12/2023 22:32

I would be devastated too. I think they've been thoughtless tbh. They haven't made plans and they haven't thought about you. It's ok to say you're hurt.

TedMullins · 22/12/2023 22:36

Missedvocation · 22/12/2023 22:30

I find the whole ‘go to mummy and daddy’s for Christmas’ thing very weird if I’m honest. They’re adults. Independent adults. Emotionally blackmailing them to come / come in future years is awful and will only drive them away. Adults can go where they like for Christmas.

Yeah I agree with this. My parents have many faults but guilt tripping me for doing my own thing or being “heartbroken” that I didn’t see them at Christmas is not something they’d ever do (not you OP but some of the drama llamas here). All my parents have ever asked of me is to be happy and live my life the way I want, I find it really bizarre so many adults feel beholden to seeing their parents T Christmas or there’ll be upset. I don’t mean people who see their families out of choice - if you enjoy a family Christmas absolutely do that - but I literally know people who say things like “oh I’d love to go abroad for Christmas but my mum would cry”. Weird.

Cherrysoup · 22/12/2023 22:42

Presumably you got them presents too? I’d be cross at all the organisation/shopping/effort/time you’ve done going to waste. If you can’t tell them that, I’d wonder what kind of relationship you have! My mum would be quite rightly fuming if I told her this so last minute. Still, as my dad would say, worse things happen at sea, hopefully you can freeze loads of food for when they do come up.

Bahhambug · 22/12/2023 22:46

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Totallymessed · 22/12/2023 22:48

It's understandable to be upset but I definitely wouldn't send them a message. You've clearly raised some amazing young adults - your DD has the confidence to go travelling, your 19 year old has a good work ethic and your other two are in strong relationships and treat their partners with respect.

I think very early adulthood is just a time when you still associate spending Christmas with your family as a childhood thing and don't really get why it's still important to your parents. I'm sure they will want to spend Christmas with you in the future, and no doubt bring your grandchildren with them.

Anyway, long post, but really, try to enjoy Christmas just you and DH, it's unlikely that you'll get a Christmas by yourselves many times!
Please don't guilt trip them, I just don't think it will help your relationship with them.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 22/12/2023 22:53

I can’t believe the people saying bring it up in a few months/next autumn! That seems way more manipulative to me then just calmly telling them how you feel, at least if you do it now they can either apologise profusely or make amends and a line can be drawn, I’d be pissed off if my parents waited months to broach something that had upset them.

Equally the poster that demands everyone is there for Easter, even more bizarre.

Gymnopedie · 22/12/2023 23:08

And those posters saying bring it up in the autumn and ask them to commit to plans (whether that's being at OP's or not) seem to be forgetting that all three HAD committed some time ago. So speaking to them later in the year doesn't guarantee they wouldn't do the same again.

Missedvocation · 22/12/2023 23:18

That seems incredibly unhealthy. ‘Expected’ on three separate occasions a year? So so so bizarre!

marshmallowfinder · 22/12/2023 23:21

Don't send the message. Wish them all well. Freeze the food. Have a lovely, relaxing Christmas. It really is not a big deal and you can choose to stop feeling sad. They're grown, independent adults and you'll surely see them soon enough. The expectations around Christmas are what create stress, not the event itself.

LittleMonks11 · 22/12/2023 23:28

Embrace the peace while it lasts. They will all be back - with grandchildren in tow for many years to come.

laladoodoo · 22/12/2023 23:31

All I want to say to this is please see it from the perspective of your now adult children:

Both me and DH are from small families and the inevitable uncomfortable conversation comes up every year about what to do and who to leave "alone". We live too far away to congregate altogether and to be honest some family members are not as flexible to move with traditions as the generations move on. This puts an incredible amount of pressure on us and truth be told, I haven't fully enjoyed a Christmas in years because of it. At some point I will just have to suit myself but I dread it - your children are flourishing by the sounds of it.
Let them live their lives but maybe it would be a nice idea to at least plan a post Xmas get together and I do agree it was bad form not to be fully transparent in advance.

justanothermummma · 22/12/2023 23:36

Are there any Christmas retreats near you? The Lake District has a number of them and it might be the perfect excuse to get away. Christmas is just a day and it can be any day you choose, even in the middle of March if that means you and your children can get together. Lots of love OP x

InflatableSanta · 23/12/2023 01:15

justanothermummma · 22/12/2023 23:36

Are there any Christmas retreats near you? The Lake District has a number of them and it might be the perfect excuse to get away. Christmas is just a day and it can be any day you choose, even in the middle of March if that means you and your children can get together. Lots of love OP x

Oh I would be interested in this, not for this year as too late but definitely for future years I think this is what I want to do when the children are with their dad. Do you have any recommendations/suggestions?

Malbecmoron · 23/12/2023 01:24

I'd be upset too OP but honestly it is a really good sign that you've brought up strong independent children. Enjoy your quiet Christmas, they will all be back in the future!

justanothermummma · 23/12/2023 01:34

@InflatableSanta there are loads of options, all over the Lakes, they are usually 2 or 3 night stays! Low Wood Bay is fabulous for couples or those with children, a majority are couple focussed and it totally depends on budget as to where you go. Some are really 'group' orientated with walks and quiz nights, some allow you to be as involved as you wish and others are totally luxurious and all for you.

My parents went to one in York a few years back and loved it! But the Lake District has loads of options which are totally exclusive and everyone staying is in the same boat as opposed to being open to all. C

HamBone · 23/12/2023 01:38

OwlWeiwei · 22/12/2023 15:50

I would be heartbroken too. It is small compensation but you must have done a good job on them that they are all so independent and adventurous, hard working and in strong relationships.

^^ I agree with @OwlWeiwei, you’ve raised strong, independent young adults.

But, they’ve been somewhat thoughtless/ communicated poorly about their plans so next year, I’d reach out to them in November and say that you’d like to firm up Christmas arrangements soon as you over-catered in 2023 -plus if it’s just going to be you and DH, you might consider a luxury break instead of staying at home!

Keep it lighthearted, but make it clear that going forward, you need reasonable notice of their intentions.

overwhelmed2023 · 23/12/2023 01:38

I think they shouldn't change plans last minute. Did they say they were coming or was if never mentioned?

Mintyt · 23/12/2023 02:22

Not read slll the thread but would just like to congratulate you on your lovely children. They all sound caring, and carving out a nice life you must be very proud. I know that you miss them, that's the price of love, you have done a very good job in raising them.

Notthatcatagain · 23/12/2023 03:07

They are all adults and have been very rude, they should feel guilty. Given proper notice you could have arranged a lovely day for just the two of you and you wouldn't have a houseful of unwanted food. They should know that their actions have consequences. Next year book a posh hotel away for yourselves