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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I have to do Christmas again nearly 70

450 replies

justasking111 · 22/12/2023 12:44

I'm just so tired, in pain from scoliosis and an arthritic hip. We're doing Christmas again so husband can womble off for a 💩 in his own home. He's obsessed with having a dump in his own home post a uber large lunch. My offspring think it's wonderful they don't have to cook. I'm so tired, in pain and so much still to do. I'd love to jet away to be honest. Should I just suck it up.

OP posts:
Original poster
justasking111 · 22/12/2023 13:47

intotheblueagain · 22/12/2023 13:46

Well of course you don't have to - the question is why are you choosing to?

I'm not husband is

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 22/12/2023 13:48

AIBU to be annoyed that MIL told me I had to 'do Christmas' next year because FIL will only shit in his own bathroom.

<gets popcorn>

WickedSerious · 22/12/2023 13:48

transcendingxmas · 22/12/2023 12:54

Excellent advice IMO!

If you are wanting to stop this in the future and it sounds like you should, this idea would be a great way of winding down expectations in the future.

Your retirement from Doing Xmas won't be such a surprise to everyone and they can start thinking about other arrangements.

We're doing Christmas again so husband can womble off for a 💩 in his own home.

😂What IS it with men and toilets?

Show quote history

I wish I knew.

The one and only time I ever heard my grandmother swear was when she told my mother "Your father thinks he's dying if he doesn't shit his brains out twice a day".

Bookworm1111 · 22/12/2023 13:48

justasking111 · 22/12/2023 13:46

Why do you not think a woman 30 odd years younger than me can't host a Christmas lunch?

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Why can't it be your son? You complain your DH expects you to host Christmas in a patriarchal way, but you think it's okay to simply shove the stress onto your DIL instead? Why does hosting Christmas have to be wife work?

Original poster
justasking111 · 22/12/2023 13:48

SeatonCarew · 22/12/2023 13:46

Forget the cleaning, if the house is full enough with people nobody notices, and it'll only need doing again afterwards. Polish the taps in the bathrooms and put out a fresh towel.

Make yourself Director of Operations, not the factotem. Do you have a forthright DD who will issue instructions in your behalf? Enlist your DC's support and be brisk! Once you've done it once, next year will be a lot easier.

Courage, dear heart, courage, and good luck! 💕

Edited

I don't have any daughters just sons. Maybe if I had a daughter I could talk to her

OP posts:
Flossflower · 22/12/2023 13:48

justasking111 · 22/12/2023 13:42

You're all so kind. It's OH that drives it all across the generations we just do as we're told.

I have told one DIL who doesn't work that she's doing Xmas next year. She's got the room

I was agreeing with you until you said this. Ask your son to do Christmas next year not your DIL.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 22/12/2023 13:49

justasking111 · 22/12/2023 13:46

Why do you not think a woman 30 odd years younger than me can't host a Christmas lunch?

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No, you jumped the shark there with telling the non-working DIL to do next Christmas. It was plausible until that point that you were just a martyr Grin

Almondmum · 22/12/2023 13:49

You are perpetuating the same shitty situation you find yourself in by ordering your DIL to host.

Women are not domestic appliances. Ask your son to host.

Canthave2manycats · 22/12/2023 13:50

Your husband sounds like a downright bully. I wouldn't put up with that!

Just tell your kids they are doing the donkeywork this year because you are done with it.

I used to feel a bit guilty just rocking up to my mum and dad's when pretty much everything was done (mum wanted it that way!) but she was 62 the last Christmas she did it.

You need to stand up to the Shitemeister!! Tell him straight that you are not fit to do it!

Yeahno · 22/12/2023 13:50

Don't lift a finger. Tell them now that you can't face doing it this year. They can come but they have to do the work. That includes the cleaning before and and after. All that you are providing is your home as a base. Then from next year they take turns hosting. You have more than done your part.
If you husband refuses, book your taxi to there and back. If he agrees but changes him mind on the day, have a backup plan. Either a taxi back or one of you adult children take you back. Do not pander to him, don't give him an inch.
With children in their 40s, it not just your husband that is shit.

mrsm43s · 22/12/2023 13:50

justasking111 · 22/12/2023 13:47

I'm not husband is

Show quote history

Then let him do it. All of it. You don't have to lift a finger. If you choose to, well that's on you.

talknomore · 22/12/2023 13:51

Well... he has tomleave for his poo. Not you!
Get a second car, hire it, drive yourself wherever and whenever you feel like

C8H10N4O2 · 22/12/2023 13:51

justasking111 · 22/12/2023 13:46

Why do you not think a woman 30 odd years younger than me can't host a Christmas lunch?

Show quote history

Why did you not tell your son? I agree you shouldn't have to do it all but it sounds like you are perpetuating the "woman is the skivvy" model to the next generation.
If your DH is retired, why is he not doing his share of the cleaning and donkey work? Its ridiculous that he doesn't.

You also need to tell all your adult children irrespective of sex that you cannot manage this, their father is making it worse and they all need to step up. I'm shocked that your sons apparently haven't noticed your difficulties but not surprised if they have been raised to expect it all to be a woman's job.

Your DH's issues with pooing sound like they need therapy but he doesn't sound like he would be open to that?

crumblingschools · 22/12/2023 13:51

Why did you tell the DIL not your son that they are hosting?

You don’t need to do full on decorating the house or the cake. I used to spend ages decorating the Christmas cake, a cake I don’t eat as I hate dried fruit. Now I just put a ribbon round it and stick a small Father Christmas on it. Turns out most people don’t like icing or marzipan so no-one misses those bits.

If DH is inviting everyone he can do the cleaning

Roussette · 22/12/2023 13:51

@justasking111

I'm same age as you but I'm not in pain and I am still doing Christmas. However, I know how much work it is and you deserve a break! My DCs I think will be doing it from next year as they both have just moved and to be honest I'm just bored of doing it and I think when they're settled one in particular wants to do it.

The most I have ever had is 18... never again! There were quite a few teens and they did bugger all, but sit on the sofa and drop sweet wrappers on the floor! I called a halt to big Christmases then... so we are just 8 and to be fair my DCs do help a lot. It's just the planning.

As far as your DH and his toilet arrangements... tell him he has to go before you leave or just wait! Seriously, I would not put up with that!

Or send him for some counselling/therapy to get over his daftness on this!

Original poster
justasking111 · 22/12/2023 13:52

WickedSerious · 22/12/2023 13:48

I wish I knew.

The one and only time I ever heard my grandmother swear was when she told my mother "Your father thinks he's dying if he doesn't shit his brains out twice a day".

Show quote history

I'd have loved your grandma.

Men have to have magazines, books, phones, and a lot of time to 💩 in peace it seems

OP posts:
Neitheronethingnortheother · 22/12/2023 13:53

justasking111 · 22/12/2023 13:48

I don't have any daughters just sons. Maybe if I had a daughter I could talk to her

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You could probably talk to your daughter in law better if you didn't treat her like a back up domestic appliance

Stop martyring yourself, stop martyring other women

NoSquirrels · 22/12/2023 13:53

Just down tools, my love.

You’re in pain. Other people can do the kitchen portering with their dad on the day. The grandkids can decorate your tree with their parents help. The other adults can set the table, clear the table, wash the dishes.

‘I’m sorry DH, I can’t do X/Y/Z, I’m in too much pain.’

’I’m sorry, DGC, I can’t get that/play that/help with that. Ask mum or dad.’

’I’m sorry DD/DS/DIL/SIL, everything’s a bit less organised than usual but I’m in a lot of pain and it’s been too much this year. Im
just having a rest here. Please help your dad.’

SeatonCarew · 22/12/2023 13:53

justasking111 · 22/12/2023 13:48

I don't have any daughters just sons. Maybe if I had a daughter I could talk to her

Show quote history

Well then tell your sons that their magic penises don't exempt them from pulling their weight. DH ditto. You can do it!

trytopullyoursocksup · 22/12/2023 13:54

Your Christmas is being ruined by the wrong kind of Yule log.

Getamoveon36 · 22/12/2023 13:55

justasking111 · 22/12/2023 13:42

You're all so kind. It's OH that drives it all across the generations we just do as we're told.

I have told one DIL who doesn't work that she's doing Xmas next year. She's got the room

Maybe you should be telling your son he’s doing it, why does it have to be the DIL? Isn’t it your son’s house and responsibility too?

OneLollipop · 22/12/2023 13:55

What do you mean about your husband insisting you have the grandchildren when he's not there?

Getamoveon36 · 22/12/2023 13:55

trytopullyoursocksup · 22/12/2023 13:54

Your Christmas is being ruined by the wrong kind of Yule log.

This wins mumsnet.

Original poster
justasking111 · 22/12/2023 13:57

Yeahno · 22/12/2023 13:50

Don't lift a finger. Tell them now that you can't face doing it this year. They can come but they have to do the work. That includes the cleaning before and and after. All that you are providing is your home as a base. Then from next year they take turns hosting. You have more than done your part.
If you husband refuses, book your taxi to there and back. If he agrees but changes him mind on the day, have a backup plan. Either a taxi back or one of you adult children take you back. Do not pander to him, don't give him an inch.
With children in their 40s, it not just your husband that is shit.

We all live within five minutes walking distance
I did suggest that he could walk home 💩 in peace and come back. He flipped, expecting me to return with him.

At friends houses he insists we leave when his bowels start rumbling

OP posts:
FriedasCarLoad · 22/12/2023 13:57

My father is hosting us all this year (his choice) and is increasingly infirm.

I'm heading over on Christmas Eve to set up extra tables/chairs, lay the table, move things around etc. I'll do anything extra bits of cleaning (although this will be fairly minimal since they have a cleaner).

He was keen to do main courses himself, but my SIL has made pudding and I've made cake.

We'll be putting things in/out on/off the oven/hob, and doing all of the clearing up.

Honestly, I love that we can celebrate in the home I grew up in (although he was under zero pressure). But adult children need to step up and take as much of the burden as you'll allow them to.

If they don't understand how hard you're finding things, or just haven't thought about it, please tell them. Even at this late stage they might be able to do for you a lot of what I'm doing for my father, and I hope that would help.