Do I have to do Christmas again nearly 70

[justasking111]

I'm just so tired, in pain from scoliosis and an arthritic hip. We're doing Christmas again so husband can womble off for a 💩 in his own home. He's obsessed with having a dump in his own home post a uber large lunch. My offspring think it's wonderful they don't have to cook. I'm so tired, in pain and so much still to do. I'd love to jet away to be honest. Should I just suck it up.

There are more ways to make a person leave than frog-marching them out the door.

Sometimes the shitstorm that rages over your head if you refuse to go is more 'forceful incentive' than any physical action could ever be. Plus, old habits die hard. OP has been conditioned for decades by her husband to say 'how high' when he says 'jump'. It's hard to break those chains. I hope she does, I really do.

He doesn’t need to see a doctor because he needs a dump after a big meal. He needs you to tell him to fuck off because he makes your life revolve around his obsession with curling one out.

Where’s your son going to be? Why are you so keen for him not to lift a finger while your DIL does all the work?

I hope your son is doing his fair share. Shouldn't be all on his wife, right?

Agree empower her to fight back. The women can bugger off out for a drink etc

You never answered the pps upthread asking what you wanted from this thread (I was one of them). There was plenty of sympathy but you ignored it where it didn't agree that DiL should become the family serf.

You still seem to be excusing and justifying your DH's behaviour but be happy to have dumped the problem onto another woman rather than any of the four adult men in your family.

Do you actually want the men to change or to start to change your own expectations of them or simply to perpetuate the problem on to another generation of women?

Hope this thread gets intothe Mail and she books a holiday on the Maldives instead. Your attitude is a disgrace.

I originally voted YANBU. You only get one vote sadly.

There's nothing wrong with his bowels. It's all about power and control. He could have a 💩 anywhere.

I’m 80 next summer and we do Christmas for the family. Some live locally but DS1, DP and DGS were due to arrive on 24th to stay until 28th, sadly COVID struck them and their visit was cancelled. But we are hoping they will be able to come for New Year when there will be a replay of the Christmas dinner for everyone.

DH is brilliant. He takes charge of most of the cooking though I do the ‘fancy’ things, bake and ice cake, marzipan fruits, biscuits in shape of a tree, mince pies, make advance and freezable items like brandy butter, stuffing, cranberry sauce, lay and decorate the table.

But as well as most of the cooking, DH clears the table and cleans up the kitchen, deals with the dishwasher and is generally brilliant. No complaints there.

But despite this there is a lot of my effort and energy involved, two trees to decorate, mantelpieces decked in swags etc and I have said I have finally had enough. I want to get away from it all, go away on a cruise next Christmas and leave the family to it.

I’ll be 80 then and after countless years, much as I love Christmas and my family and my rôle as Christmas matriarch, I think I deserve a complete break from it all.

It doesn't matter where you are though does it if you're going to go scurrying after your husband after 2 hours because he can't go to the toilet on his own 🙄

Fucking hell OP, your latest update has incensed me. Your poor DIL. You're being a martyr and your husband is simply pathetic.

Have you not read the good advice from some PPs? More fool you if you don't change things.

I completely get that and you’re right. I was just hoping my comment would prompt some reflection on the part of the op that she does have autonomy because I’m getting the feeling from her posts that his way has just become everyone’s way of life and a sense that she just views that as being the way it is.

All of you wittering about poor DIL honestly she's no doormat 😂😂 my son will be doing all the catering . She has cleaners and gardeners, so the load will be lighter than many women's.

I do sympathise with you over your husband's controlling behaviour and think you need to stand up to him. If it's so near surely he can say that he's going home for ten minutes or that he's popping out for a walk after lunch. What I don't get though is why you refer to your son's house as DIL's and why you have such a gendered idea of who should be doing what. I'm older than you and I think its strange. I have stopped "hosting" Christmas but when I did it my husband did a lot of the food shopping and cooking. I don't get all the perfectionism of having to do two trees, swags and wreaths on fireplaces and decorating bathrooms either. No wonder everyone's exhausted. A tree, a few lights and cards on display could make it look festive enough.

@Anonymouseposter . My OH does do all the cooking as I have mentioned a number of times.

We only have one tree. I agree about decorating everywhere. I do the front porch, hall, sitting room and dining room.

It's the damned scoliosis and arthritis in my spine and hip that make life so difficult and painful. Vacuuming, is slow work. As is cleaning bathrooms and making beds.

My physiotherapist has said rest after each task a maximum of three tasks a day. Sit down to prep in the kitchen. She said putting rolling wheels on a high stool in the kitchen would mean I could scoot around which I'm thinking of doing.

OP I still don’t understand why your husband needs you to accompany him when he poos. WHY?! can you explain?

You mean your son has cleaners and gardener's?

I wish I could hug your DIL and advise her to run far from your son.

Oh, come on now. There's nothing wrong with being a traditional family where she does the cooking and he takes out the garbage, or vice-versa if that's what they want. Some of these responses might explain why so many marriages fall apart these days. And no one knows what OPs relationship is with that DIL. Maybe they have that kind of rapport where she could say 'next year, you do the cooking'. Maybe the DIL AND son are happy to have the celebration at their house. People sure jump to conclusions, I assume based on their own screwed up relationships. My H enjoyed cooking and was pretty good at it, but holiday meals were MY domain by choice. Fortunately, he was good enough to help with anything else I asked of him. Some of you may think HE should share in your duties, and that's fine, if you're willing to climb up on the roof to fix something or chop the firewood, whatever. And a few women would, but most women, after whining that he should do for her, will also call on him to do what she thinks is his.

True if I'd wanted misandry lectures I'd have posted in another area of the board 😂😂

How bad a state is your roof in!

My DH has never been up on our roof in 15 years of marriage and 3 house moves

And I am just as likely to cut wood as him and several of the axes are mine specifically, in fact I own more than him

But given that most husbands are not popping up and down on a roof every week and plenty of people don't even have a working fire place I'm not sure going on roofs and chopping firewood is quite enough to keep husbands from actually pulling their weight around the house as well!

As for the assumption that taking the bins out is in some way a comparable job to doing all the cooking...

Quite frankly if I was in a marriage where my DH expected me to be a skivvy because he would only do the "manly" jobs of taking the bins out and chopping the wood then I'm not sure I would be too regretful about ending up as one of the "too many marriages that fall apart" tbh.

I don't think it's misandry to point out that your husband is inconsiderate and selfish. He makes you leave when you don't want to, he refuses to consider any option other than what HE wants, and he disregards your feelings by inviting people over when you've said you aren't up to it and countermands your statement that you weren't up to watching the DGC on multiple occasions to name a few. And after doing so, he takes off and leaves you with the work. Sure, he cooks the 'ta da!!!' parts of the meal but he treats you like the kitchen skivvy when he's doing so and then leaves you to do the rest. And given your physical limitations it doesn't sound as if he tries to take any the housework off your shoulders. Misandry would be if we were saying ALL men are inconsiderate and selfish. We're just saying that YOURS is.

If this is the way you want to live the rest of your life, that's your decision. I just think there are better things out there for you.

Sorry the misandry was directed at another poster who thought my DIL should leave my son.

They were just examples, and you should have realized that. No matter. The last sentence is absolutely true. My pet peeve - when new SAHM's want Dad to share in middle of the night feedings, and he has to get up early for work while she can catch a daytime nap. I'm not criticizing sharing any load if that's what two people agree to. My response was to someone who seemed to be berating OP and accusing her of "dumping the problem on another woman" without knowing anything at all about the situation.

I would say he has anxiety when socialising - even with his family so he has to rush off to the loo. What type of job did he do - was he in a position to go whenever, or did he alwyas have to wait until he is home.
Either way I'm sure the GP could give him something to slow things down at certain times or he could eat less/ low roughage the day before so he won't have the need. Is he overweight? Does he overeat? so that there are things he can do about this.

I would prearrange with someone in the future that they will run you home so DH can just buggar off on his own. Or arrange a taxi - there might be a need for him to rush home but the arrangement is too controlling. You should be able to leave when you want. I know that's what I would do.