Do I have to do Christmas again nearly 70

[justasking111]

I'm just so tired, in pain from scoliosis and an arthritic hip. We're doing Christmas again so husband can womble off for a 💩 in his own home. He's obsessed with having a dump in his own home post a uber large lunch. My offspring think it's wonderful they don't have to cook. I'm so tired, in pain and so much still to do. I'd love to jet away to be honest. Should I just suck it up.

Yes, understand that he is choosing to host - but you have agency, and are free to unchoose. You are tired and in pain.
Does he have a track record of bullying behaviour and making your life a misery if you go against his “rules”?

Why are (some) people saying the OP's husband needs therapy? No he doesn't, he just needs to get on with doing things slightly differently than would be perfect for him. He doesn't need therapy he needs to grow up.

The reason why I say this is because he is so blatant with it. he isn't inhibited or anything. Just selfish

I think hosting Christmas is the least of your worries

It’s about time you stood up to your controlling husband and does what makes you happy.

Christ you’re 70, time to grow up and use your words.

no im not hosting.
no im not going home so you can shit.

tell your sons to host it’s not the dil job to do just cos she’s got a fanny!!!

My in laws used to love hosting, but as they got older, the children and grandchildren did the cooking, and M and s prepared food was the way to go.

It’s not as simple as saying no though. I am seriously ill with a major operation scheduled for 27th. Arranged for us to go to my sister’s for Christmas Eve/Day and then signed off leaving DH and teen DS responsible for presents, decoration, and diary management to ensure that we saw DH’s adult children over the festive period. I really didn’t want them to get the message that his wife’s illness was more important than seeing them at Christmas.
I have a half-decorated tree and a couple of garlands. I have had to buy a significant number of the presents. He didn’t start making arrangements to see family until the second week in December so we’ve just got back from a grand tour. I’m exhausted with a whole load of presents still to wrap.
For me, the choice is between doing it myself or having a shit Christmas.

Oh but women love being martyrs and people praise them for it.

For god’s sake, woman - so what if he ‘flips’? If he needs a shit in his own toilet, he can go home and do it. Then he can come back to the party or not, up to him. All you need to do is sit on your host’s sofa and ask someone to bring you a cup of tea, and walk home yourself whenever it suits you. Or ask a DS to give you a lift if you’re in pain.

Stop enabling actual bullshit.

Sons phone can you have the kids if I say no for some reason he phones back says yes. Will collect them from school then abdicates responsibility. Infuriating

Please please tell me you don't leave with him. Please.

If so, I'm sorry, but you are bringing everything on yourself. If he wants a shit, he can go home or do it in the back garden or the woods for all it's to do with you. Let him flip.

Why does he choose the middle of the day to have a crap?!

OH bore off

Sorry but I don't think I could enjoy Christmas (or any occasion) with your husband knowing that the whole day centres around his shit, for him. It's all i would be able to think of. Either "we're here, at his house, because of his shit". Or "Here we are at my house, but soon he will have to leave, for his shit." or "I wonder if he will manage to have a shit at my house this year? I wonder when?" and so on. He sounds disgusting and outrageously selfish. I hate him

You still haven't answered multiple posters about why you also think it's okay to abdicate your son's responsibility for hosting to your DIL...

Seriously though, why do you never stand up to your DH? He sounds like an ogre.

Teen DS finishes the tree.

DH wraps all presents except his own from you (you could outsource this to teen DS).

Stop caring so much.

He doesn't choose the middle of the day but when he eats a lot it moves fast especially vegetables

Ah, so this is a tip of the iceberg thread then. The real underlying issue is that you husband is abusive and controlling and your sons are following his lead?

Inform your sons that when you say no to childcare they are to double check back with you if you husband says yes. Inform them that he dumps the kids on you and you're not standing for it any longer. Next time they all ignore you (because they will) leave the house as soon as your husband arrives with the children (or ideally before if you know he's gone to get them).

What else is going on at home?

Many people are fine cooking at 70.Dont use your age as a reason.Its ageist and manipulative.The fact is you are not well.Tell them all to chip in.Dont be a martyr.There is no god.youvwont be rewarded.Dont be a good woman.Let them do it.

Then you go out. Leave him to it.

What does it look like when DH “flips out” if you refuse to obey him?

Seriously this sounds awful.

Why have you left it until 3 days before Christmas to sort? This is utterly ridiculous.

I've told my DP that if he ever dies on the toilet it'll be forty eight hours before I start to wonder if he's okay.

OP, if you are safe and can, you need to stop doing what he says. If he phones back to say yes, you phone again and say no, or you leave while he is picking them up.

When I started coming home for Christmas from living elsewhere, it was often to an undecorated house. I help my parents decorate as our first thing together. Could you decorate together with everyone, either when they arrive or arrange a day for that before hand next year.

If he makes some of the food, order the rest pre-prepared, or ask each child to bring a dish or two.

OK. Well.... just keep saying "there's a toilet upstairs"
repeatedly.
Then change the subject.
Then if he says again about going home for a shit... "there's a toilet upstairs or you walk home then, I am going nowhere"

You do realise it's a control thing don't you?
If he can go on holiday and shit in other toilets, he can do it in his son's house. He just chooses not to... to disrupt your day.

Really??? He only has to walk 5 minutes to poo in his own loo?? That's insane. You need to put a stop to this crazy nonsense.

I somehow doubt you will though. Sounds like you've been brow-beaten by this controlling man and probably by your sons...

My sons can't force their wives to entertain if they don't wish to. Nor should they. My sons grew up in a home where everyone was welcome, their wives didn't.