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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I have to do Christmas again nearly 70

450 replies

justasking111 · 22/12/2023 12:44

I'm just so tired, in pain from scoliosis and an arthritic hip. We're doing Christmas again so husband can womble off for a 💩 in his own home. He's obsessed with having a dump in his own home post a uber large lunch. My offspring think it's wonderful they don't have to cook. I'm so tired, in pain and so much still to do. I'd love to jet away to be honest. Should I just suck it up.

OP posts:
Cookiecrumblepie · 22/12/2023 13:14

why do you have to leave when you husband does a poo OP? Do you have to hold his hand when he shits? Just let him go and poo by himself! I’ve never heard of anything so ridiculous

Hbh17 · 22/12/2023 13:14

Could you just order in an Indian or Chinese takeaway for this year? 😉

JoyeuxNarwhal · 22/12/2023 13:15

Can your family not do the cooking etc at your house? It's what we do parents have the biggest space for entertaining but we all pitch in. I don't expect the house to be spotless before I arrive and am happy to wield a vacuum cleaner if necessary as well as cook.

BarbaraofSeville · 22/12/2023 13:15

No you didn't have to leave. You could have stayed. Or you could have both stayed and he'd have had to shit wherever he was at the time anyway. He can't hold it in forever.

It's not too late to change plans. Tell your DC you're not cooking a roast and if they want one they need to plan, shop for and cook one.

If they don't cook, just have what you have in. Or get something easy to bung in the oven.

It's not just the cooking. I've bathrooms, living rooms, dining room to clean, decorate. I've decorated, dining room, sitting room, hall, front porch

Sod all that too. if no-one else is doing any of this, why on earth would you do it all by yourself.

Don't be a Christmas Martyr doing a load of stuff that you 'have' to do. You don't, really you don't.

Sweethearte · 22/12/2023 13:15

justasking111 · 22/12/2023 12:51

It's not just the cooking. I've bathrooms, living rooms, dining room to clean, decorate. I've decorated, dining room, sitting room, hall, front porch.

I know that doesn't sound like much but it exhausts me.

I'm 37 and this sounds like a lot - tell them all where they can shove it. Dont be silent and minimise your pain, wince and head off to bed. If they dont care about their wife/mum's pain they dont deserve you

tescocreditcard · 22/12/2023 13:16

Jet away if thats what you want why wouldn't you?

ThinWomansBrain · 22/12/2023 13:17

Go away next year.
If you want poo face to go with you, buy a large supply of Imodium, problem sorted.

CharlotteRumpling · 22/12/2023 13:17

Do you not travel anywhere if your DH can't take a poo outside his home?😀

Original poster
justasking111 · 22/12/2023 13:17

Yesterday when he heard that another family member had fallen out with their own family husband said we'll have them on Christmas day so we would have gone from eight to twelve instantly. He said we have the room. Well actually we don't. Two tables pushed together we can manage eight max

OP posts:
Original poster
justasking111 · 22/12/2023 13:19

CharlotteRumpling · 22/12/2023 13:17

Do you not travel anywhere if your DH can't take a poo outside his home?😀

Yes we do on holiday he's happy to 💩 but not in his son's homes his dad was just the same

OP posts:
InBedBy10 · 22/12/2023 13:20

I don't think it's fair to blame the children. It sounds like they know their dad won't like Christmas day at their house so they just go along with what you suggest which is Christmas at your house.

You have a DH problem.

Your children are not mind readers. If this is how it's always been, how are they supposed to know you don't like it. Speak up. Tell your husband and your children your getting too old for this and things need to change. Your kids would probably love the chance to step up if you let them. And if your husband insists on Christmas at his house then he has to do it all.

Almondmum · 22/12/2023 13:22

I would hate my mum to be hosting us feeling like this. I would far far rather she told us she was feeling this way and ask us to take over instead of martyring herself.

My mum hasn't done Christmas dinner for probably a decade or more, she's done her bit and its absolutely our turn to take over. Me and my siblings take it in turn.

Nicole1111 · 22/12/2023 13:23

I think it’s a bit late for this year but explain the situation to your most sympathetic child and ask them to host next year. Tell your husband this year that you’re tired of taking on most of the tasks involved with Christmas and say that you are definitely going to your child’s next year, with or without him and if he wants to leave to use the toilet you won’t be accompanying him.

DilemmaDelilah · 22/12/2023 13:24

I let my family know last year that I was very happy to host but I wouldn't be able to do the work. Perhaps you could do the same? Or maybe don't host at all - just have Christmas at home with only your DH and don't do the full works.
We have the space for the most people - and two ovens etc. so it is sensible for us to host - but last year I had heart problems (still have them) and this year I'm getting over cancer treatment. DH and I are having a very quiet Christmas together with easy food and as little work and washing up as possible.

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 22/12/2023 13:24

Bloody hell. What a lot of hassle and stress to put on you for the sake of one turd. He needs to get over himself.

Tell them all it's a pot luck this year and they can sort it themselves, and next year don't host. You should be sitting in an armchair letting them all run around after you at this stage.

GreatGateauxsby · 22/12/2023 13:25

Jesus I am pretty much half your age and wouldn't be up for that.

I'd "aquire COVID" and quarantine myself with netflix and a load of nice snacks. Fuck em all... What an ungrateful shower your kids are not to contribute anything....

I'm the same age as your kids and I host mine and my not so D in-laws...

If you can't bring yourself to just fake illness and opt out... And haven't bought the main dinner yet....
M&S are selling dinner in a box - we got it. All the veg are prepped.
I bought this and we got a supermarket dessert and half a kilo of fancy smoked salmon 😻
Looking forward to doing bugger all this year.

caringcarer · 22/12/2023 13:25

Next year go to one of your DC for Xmas day. Your DH can either come with you or stay home alone to shit on his own toilet if that is his priority. I'm going To my younger sons this year. Last year I went to my elder son and honestly he did a fantastic meal and wouldn't let me near the kitchen. My younger son has already told me I'm not allowed in the kitchen which suits me just fine I'll sit in his sitting room with a glass of prosecco and some chocolates.

Bookworm1111 · 22/12/2023 13:25

So his need to poo in his own toilet means you have a knackering Christmas being your family's skivvy? Sod that! Tell him you've had enough and he's got to sort it out his bowel phobia by next year as you are definitely NOT having Christmas at home just to accommodate his crap.

Then tell him you're in too much pain to help out this year and put your feet up instead.

LakeTiticaca · 22/12/2023 13:26

Time to hand over the baton to the next generation. Tell DH to shove a Cork up his arse and wait till he gets home 😉😉

OhGoOnThenIfYouInsist · 22/12/2023 13:26

I can't get past the defecation...

Original poster
justasking111 · 22/12/2023 13:27

I guess it's my fault my children don't know how I feel but they won't cross their dad who wants to play host.

Some times I really don't want the grandchildren but husband over rules me even though he's absent. I do love my grandchildren but on a bad day pain wise 🥹

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 22/12/2023 13:27

YABU to offer to do it then panic at the last minute. Next year just say NO, and if your husband has digestive problems then leave after lunch or book a meal out or whatever works best.

There seems to be a narrative of resentful women trapped into catering Christmas. I have to say, I've seen a lot of women in real life who are both resentful of catering but also resentful of anyone who tries to help, "interfere", or do it instead. Or (god forbid) do it differently. Anyone who doesn't want to do it is responsible as an adult for saying "I'm not doing it this year", rather than volunteering but then muttering about it.

Bookworm1111 · 22/12/2023 13:29

justasking111 · 22/12/2023 13:27

I guess it's my fault my children don't know how I feel but they won't cross their dad who wants to play host.

Some times I really don't want the grandchildren but husband over rules me even though he's absent. I do love my grandchildren but on a bad day pain wise 🥹

Do you have one DC you are closest to? Confide in them so they'll talk to the others about next year. But put your foot down and stop letting him ride roughshod all over you.

Meanwhile, you just need to take to your bed this weekend and refuse to get up because you're in pain.

Original poster
justasking111 · 22/12/2023 13:29

TheYearOfSmallThings · 22/12/2023 13:27

YABU to offer to do it then panic at the last minute. Next year just say NO, and if your husband has digestive problems then leave after lunch or book a meal out or whatever works best.

There seems to be a narrative of resentful women trapped into catering Christmas. I have to say, I've seen a lot of women in real life who are both resentful of catering but also resentful of anyone who tries to help, "interfere", or do it instead. Or (god forbid) do it differently. Anyone who doesn't want to do it is responsible as an adult for saying "I'm not doing it this year", rather than volunteering but then muttering about it.

I don't offer husband does. I'd give anything to just turn up and be waited on after 46 years of playing host

OP posts:
OhGoOnThenIfYouInsist · 22/12/2023 13:30

#christmasloggate