Do I have to do Christmas again nearly 70

[justasking111]

I'm just so tired, in pain from scoliosis and an arthritic hip. We're doing Christmas again so husband can womble off for a 💩 in his own home. He's obsessed with having a dump in his own home post a uber large lunch. My offspring think it's wonderful they don't have to cook. I'm so tired, in pain and so much still to do. I'd love to jet away to be honest. Should I just suck it up.

I hear you OP, I'm only 52 and I'm done with doing Xmas every year. I'm booking lunch for us all at the pub next year

Leave him. It’s not too late.

"I've tried. I've shown him the consultant report, MRI results he doesn't believe them, just thinks more exercise, cycling I can beat it"

Op, you should offer the same advice to him next time he urgently needs a 💩. 'You can hold it in dear. Just try a bit harder, you can beat this'.

I was totally with you and feeling your pain until you told your DIL. This reply speaks volumes & a lot more eloquent that I could put it.

You are just as bad, if not worse than your husband and are replicating the drudgery shit you hate on to your DIL.

i would personally tell you where to go!

Why do people assume Just eat serves the whole country? I doubt people round here even know what it is!

@FiveShelties there are many posters on MN who won’t 💩 in a public loo, work loo etc.

@crumblingschools I am sure there are, although I don't think there are many who suffer from this at Christmas and just in the homes of their children.

But I could be wrong, in fact I often am.

Edit for typo.

Oh bless you. You sound exhausted and it’s not surprising.
Is there a reason the location of his bowel movements take preference over your wellbeing?
Does he give a digestive disorder or need an adapted facility? I’d not, then I suggest you point out the unacceptable nature of this situation and how it makes you feel.
To me it sounds like DH is being utterly selfish and taking you for granted. How rude.

i know it can feel impossible standing up for yourself when we are used to being treated badly, but what would you advise another woman to do in the same circumstances?

Value yourself and insist on being valued.

Be clear this is the last time you’ll tolerate this and give him a year to sort out his priorities.

You deserve better 💕

Selfish husband with a bunch of selfish entitled male “grown-up” children.
All of them are using you.
The question is you’ve allowed it to go on for so long can you break the cycle?

This has to be a wind up. Surely. You are 70. Text everyone - ‘Sorry for the short notice but every year John insists on doing it here and this year putting my feet up. Everyone is welcome to come, decorate and cook and wash up. John is in charge. I don’t want a present or card I just want to be a person. Everyone ok with that? X

get a large gin and draw a line in the sand - as for the husband tell him he needs to stop shitting on you - toilet is fine if he cleans it but he’s in charge

I feel your pain OP. I'm only 44 but I cooked and hosted my very first Christmas at the age of 14 after my step dad had a major health crisis in the week running up to Xmas. I knew I needed to do it for my over siblings. Luckily I'd been working in a restaurant kitchen and in a mega quick learner so a few recipe books and some advice and I knocked it out off the park. Since then I've been in charge of it every single year. A Christmas Eve party for the kids friend's ( thankfully they are too old now), then a full on Christmas feast for 10-18 depending on the year. Then a Boxing Day party for 35-40 every year.

I've got rheumatoid arthritis and I am tired. I am starting to hate Christmas when I used to love it. I threatened to mage last year the last one but this year I've been called into it for my grand children. No more. I WANT to enjoy it with my grand kids. But I am done with the cost, the food prep, the wrapping, the constant dishes and the never ending budgeting etc.

I haven't read the whole thread, but will just add to the doubtless dozens of posts asking why OP doesn't get her man to 'do Christmas'.

I'm a few years older than OP, and a man. I like turkey and all the trimmings on Christmas day, mince pies etc etc. And ... well, I started a few weeks ago, made stock for the gravy (from ham bones, onions, etc; kept in a jug in the freezer), ordered the turkey (now delivered and snug in the fridge, cooked two dozen mince pies, ....

Now I'm looking forward to Christmas day with just me and my wife (who also engages, don't get me wrong: she made the cake, got the lights from the attic ...). We will Skype with children and grandchildren at some point; they gathered together in one of their places, we didn't fancy the crush. (We've fixed to spend New Year all together, all three generations. Look forward to that.)

And I'll be the one cooking.

OP, tell your other half to get off his arse and do something around the house for once. He might even enjoy it. (I do!) If he refuses, kick him out. Simple (though maybe not easy).

Suggest that each one brings a plate

You should be able to talk to your sons. They might all think you’re perfectly happy with the arrangements H makes.

The problem is that your H is treating you like this, inviting more people to your home, not believing that you have a health problem despite medical evidence, and you’re still obeying his commands. It won’t solve anything if you tel a DIL that she’s doing it next year is your H decides no she isn’t, you’re entertaining at home again because that’s what he wants.

You do what he orders you to, yet when a PP said you were being a martyr you told them to bore off. If you really want things to change you’ll have to stand up to him or do things without him. In your OP you said you would have liked to go on holiday for Christmas. Unless he’s financially abusive as well, you can do that (alone) next Christmas. If you have no intention of changing anything, just intend to carry on like this for the rest of your life and complain about it here but not to your family, you can’t blame people here for feeling frustrated with you.

OP, grow a backbone. Unless your H is physically abusive, tell him NO. You have the right to NOT want to host anymore regardless of any medical issues. At dinner, you should announce to ALL that you no longer will be hosting Christmas dinner, that you think it's time they shared it, and you long to be the guest. Tell your H (not at dinner) that from this day forward, his shit is HIS problem. You'll no longer leave another's house when he wants to go home. Question - Can he shit in his OWN house when it's full of guests? After reading all your posts, it's beginning to seem like your own cowardness or meekness is your problem, and unless you're ready to put your foot down, stop complaining.

Oh boy, martyrs are the worse…you have no sympathy from me.

Horrible post. Are you completely unaware of the damage sustained emotional and psychological abuse does to people?

Another horrible post.

Just showing your own ignorance. 40-odd years of that sort of treatment would fuck with anyone's mind.

@justasking111 I hope you managed to say something but I fear that you will probably be hosting again tomorrow.... Take care x

@justasking111

I also hope you've managed to put your foot down. If you haven't, remember that you're a victim of abuse and it's very hard to break that chain. But you have 12 months until next Xmas. Make plans to leave and let this be the LAST Xmas you spend miserable and in pain.

Again, I'm in your age range. My dear, there is much more road in both our rear view mirrors than we see ahead of us through the windscreen. Our remaining time on Earth is too precious to waste any of it in unhappiness and fear. Yes, fear. You are afraid of your husband. He may not hit you, but he has made you afraid of his reactions to you opposing him or calling him out. That is abuse. Please make plans to leave him in 2024. Yes, your life may change, finances may be very different. But you will have peace and calm and most importantly, freedom to live your life as YOU choose. You deserve that. We all do.

There is absolutely no indication that she is emotionally or psychologically ABUSED. Only that her husband is a thoughtless, selfish butthead who was probably a mama's-boy. I suppose you would tell her that she made her bed, now lie in it.

I forgot to click REPLY, but my response to you is below.

Ah-hah! "Quote" instead of reply. See below.

We lost my mum early November but for as long as I can remember we have had Christmas at my parents house! Only because it's easier for them to be in their own home and they don't have to worry about packing things up and moving! But my mum had COPD, scoliosis and rheumatoid arthritis! My Dad has dodgy knees and has had a stroke but then I have multiple health issues but it's easier for me as I've never let my issues hold me back! My DH would go over a few weeks before to help put up their decorations, then he would gradually buy most of the food etc in the weeks running up to Christmas! My Dad would always insist on buying and cooking the meats and then a few days before we would all go and do the last few essentials (me and my mum usually spent half of the time in the cafe!!
Then come Christmas eve my hubby and I would go round there, and over three next few days we would share the work out between the 4 of us! Me and mum sitting down to do the veg etc my DH and Dad would do the cooking and then the cleaning up!
Surely that's what Christmas is about, being together, working together so we all get to enjoy Christmas together!
You need to tell your family that if they're not willing to pull their own weight then Christmas is cancelled, they can do their thing in their homes and your hubby can use his own toilet after having beans on toast!!
Good luck hunni xxx