Do I have to do Christmas again nearly 70

[justasking111]

I'm just so tired, in pain from scoliosis and an arthritic hip. We're doing Christmas again so husband can womble off for a 💩 in his own home. He's obsessed with having a dump in his own home post a uber large lunch. My offspring think it's wonderful they don't have to cook. I'm so tired, in pain and so much still to do. I'd love to jet away to be honest. Should I just suck it up.

Someone else will do it when you're dead.

Have you considered giving them food poisoning? Just a mild case of the squits?

Good grief have you raised sons just like their father? If your husband invites and wants to host then he has to cook the Christmas dinner. Forget all the extra bits. It is not up to you to tell DIL she has to host next year. Presumably these DILs have their own families?

If you are invited elsewhere take your own car so husband can go home on his own. If you end up hosting again scale it down and make them help.

Maybe they don't want their colleagues/ other people they know to hear a big 'plop' as the 💩 lands in the water, or stink the place out etc, etc.

For the last 3yrs I have refused to cook a Christmas lunch,if they want it they can cook it I got thoroughly fed up with being left to man the kitchen while they all went to the pub!! I also go away on my own for 3 nights on the 27th,my Christmas present to myself 🙂👍xx

No you shouldn't I am 70 and had enough I'm booking to go away next Xmas sod it, they think we are work horses 💪

Between my parents and my siblings we are a family of 7 and have ALL been involved in christmas dinner since we were small kids. Someone preps veg, someone sorts the table and crackers/drinks etc, someone does the Yorkshire batter, and so on and so forth. It's lovely and we're all in the kitchen having conversation to Christmas music. It seems really sad that one person should be stuck in the kitchen whilst everyone else relaxes.

To be fair I assume DH is also about 70 and by that age if he wants to stay at home to do a big poo I think he’s entitled to do that. But it doesn’t mean you need to host either.

The day my husband, aged 71, wants to do nothing but stay at home at Christmas to do a big poo, is the day he will need a bloody good divorce lawyer.

I've been thinking about why I'm such a martyr and I've come to the conclusion that it's to justify my dislike of many of the people in my life.
Also for some reason I will not use my words and prefer to seethe away safe in the knowledge that I'm the better person and I'm surrounded by selfish or possibly stupid people.
The OP's husband doesn't sound very lovable or loving ,maybe she's adopted a similar MO'to mine .

This is very possible and they have every right. But how can he, her H, make her go home with him from another's house only 5 min away, and why doesn't she say 'no dear, I'm staying. I'll see you later'. Something is wrong with this whole relationship. I wonder how he handles his loo needs when they have guests in their home.

If you've never been in an abusive relationship with a bully it's hard to understand, I know. But knowing 'what awaits you at home' if you defy them and how they'll browbeat you and emotionally 'beat you down' either with nasty words, the silent treatment, or small abusive gestures for days makes it 'easier' to just do what they say. After while it just gets ingrained in you to walk on eggshells rather than risk their wrath. It becomes second nature, like pulling your hand away before you touch a hot iron. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt, wore it to shreds.

It's hard to turn around and start swimming upstream. It can be done, but it's not easy and you have to deal with a LOT of abuse, undermining, and emotional shit to fight your way out. I hope OP is able to do it.

Wise words @AcrossthePond55. I.see we’re fellow travellers.

The sisterhood no one want to belong to @BIossomtoes .

I got out 40 years ago, but the scars, although faded, remain. But I found a good man, raised a family with him, and am enjoying retirement together.

I hope you've found your happiness, too. And if not have courage and be brave, and you'll find your way.

I'm just not reading her H the same way some others are. OP gave no indication at all that H is physically abusive. I see him as nothing more than bossy who likes to think he rules the roost, and wants to appear as the GREAT ONE to his family. I've known a couple just like him. She needs to announce at the dining table for all to hear that "I know your father overrules me every year because he enjoys doing this. I no longer do. I'm tired. I would like to be the guest at your tables for my remaining years. If not, I'd just like to relax, go for a walk, a hike or travel at Christmas, preferably with your father, but alone if I must. I love all of you, but this is the last year I do the Christmas hosting". I doubt her H will beat her. He might pout or argue the point, but she needs to stand her ground... calmly and quietly. If he throws any emotional or psychological barbs, she needs to find the confidence in herself and her accomplishments over the years to TUNE HIM OUT. He's a blowhard; nothing more, or there's a lot she didn't tell us. If there is, she wasted her time asking for advice.

She never claimed he was physically abusive. You're missing the point.

There’s a private SOS Scoliosis clinic in London you could try. Claim to fix it by tailored exercises.
i am your age - what I would say is dig your heels in now. You and DH aren’t getting younger so Watch out for DH making more demands on you and your time as he ages/ loses friends and is more needy of you/is less able to do stuff/ etc.
also fill your time with hobbies/reading/massage/chiropractor exercises class etc etc so you AReN’T available for childminding, cooking etc
also I have DD and DS who don’t let me ‘do everything’ -seems your DSs are following in dads footsteps.

OMG Christmas is being organised around your husbands shit! That's just wow!

Reevaluate quickly and don't continue with this madness!

Seems to me the problem isn’t so much Christmas as your husband. As for telling DIL that she’s hosting Christmas next year, if I were her I’d be seething, especially if you’ve given the impression that you don’t mind / enjoy doing it. By all means say you’re not doing it next year, but imposing yourself and the responsibilities for hosting a family Christmas onto someone else is not OK. (I am, in case you were wondering, within spitting distance of your age, and have just hosted Christmas - it’s exhausting, but I love seeing my DC and DGC)

You're right, but that IS the point. She never said he was, but several responses touch on that as if he were. A few people jumped to the conclusion that he's emotionally or psychologically abusive, for what - that he calls someone after she says no and invites them. I stand by my opinion of the man from OP's description of him. The main thing that's sinking her is that she lets him get the last word when the last word should be her saying NO as she walks out of the house.

It seems fairly evident to me that this represents a sustained pattern of emotional and psychological abuse and the OP breaking that pattern isn't that simple.

The fact that she wrote means she's ready to break that pattern. She just needs to be encouraged with more "you can do this" than "don't even try" or get a divorce. She never implied at all that she feared him or wanted to leave him, only that he enjoys Christmas celebrations at his house and likes to run the show, doesn't care much about what she wants, and dislikes pooping in his children's homes. She needs to just smile, walk out before Christmas and say "I hope you all enjoy yourselves. I'll see you in a day or two. Merry Christmas". She needs to ask her H "do my wants and desires matter at all to you?", "do you care enough about me to LET my wants and desires matter?" They've both just grown accustomed to, not so much, him wanting his way, but her ALLOWING him to have his way FOR YEARS.

OP - if you're still reading, take a deep breath, look him in the eye, and say NO. If he starts any emotional or psychological crap so many responders are convinced of, that BS can only hurt you if you let it. "KNOW THYSELF!!" If it's physical, then yes, leave the bastard. It just requires walking out the door and not looking back. And if your sons don't come to your defense, the hell with them, too.

Well successful day. He did disappear to the loo for a time after lunch.

Today we were invited to a family lunch, it was lovely arrived at 2pm . Gorgeous spread both sides of the family. Guess what I'm home again two hours later because of his bowels.

He dragged me and DS away. Not so bad because DS has to drive back home tonight so I'd rather he went before the rain forecast started.

I'm beginning to think OH needs to see the doctor about this. I didn't see what he ate and drank though.

OH and we're at DILs next Christmas for sure

@justasking111 I'm glad you had a lovely Christmas and that your dil will host next year. Its not fair that adult children expect to be waited on and I'm probably the same age as your dil.

Surely he can’t physically make you leave if you say no?!