To think he should maintain current contributions?

[Polewire]

I know there’s been a few threads about child maintenance etc but this is slightly different.

my ex and I split up 4 years ago. We have 2 children, 6 and 5. He left me for a woman 15 years younger than him, she was about 24 at the time I think, they maintain they didn’t have an affair but I’m 99% sure they did. That’s another story though. To be honest, I thought it was a mid life crisis and would never last but fast forward to today and they’ve bought a house, have a baby and are getting married in a few months time. Based on what my DC tell me (they stay with ex and his partner every other weekend) it’s a happy home.

i haven’t physically spoken to my ex since we split. All communication is done on an app. I hate him for breaking up our family. I hate the fact that he never wanted to do anything with us, was out every night of the week and weekend with work/sports/hobbies and now he seems to have given up all that to spend time with his partner and their child. It’s not fair on my children that they’ve seen their dad transform into this wonderful dad and partner with the new baby and partner when he wasn’t like that with us.

anyway - this is my issue. His partner has a really good job and is going back to work soon. He’s reducing his hours (she gets paid probably 3x as much as him) in order to look after their child so my maintenance is going to go down because it’s solely based on his hours.

as it stands I just get by with the amount he pays each month and if he drops down hours then I’ll lose out and they’ll still be living their high life - fancy jeep, hotel stays all the time, stuff I wouldn’t even be able to dream of doing with my children. Would it be unreasonable to message him on the app and outline that although it’s based on his income, given that he’s reducing his hours for his other child and given the fact shes earning well that he should maintain the amount he’s currently paying for our children?

You need to read all posts, their dad actively wants to have his children more. He’s actually doing the opposite of shirking his duties. And OP has already said when the children are with him they have everything paid for there.

You can’t have it both ways, there are dads out there who want nothing to do with their kids and are proper dead beat dads, but this isn’t one of them. He has actively went to court to see these kids more, OP doesn’t want him to be a dad or have any parental role at all, she just wants his money each month.

That’s all good but OP doesn’t want this. She hates the fact that he has EOW as it is.

OP honestly, do not cut your nose of to spite your face. If you prevent more access then you will regret it. You may not think you will but when they are old enough and realise what has actually gone on during their childhood, they may resent you and may very well cut you out of their lives because they’ll blame you for the lack of contact. You don’t want him to have more because honestly he stopped loving you. It’s much much worse for children to grow up when it’s clear parents hate each other but are only together for them.

you’re still hurting and that’s fine but being petty about contact will back fire on you. It will only take him to go back to court for more access for that to happen and trust me courts do not like it when the ex is trying to limit contact unnecessarily and use the children as weapons which sadly is exactly what you are doing.

the best thing to do OP is delete any of them from Social Media (if you have them on there), only ask the children. did you have a nice weekend? when they are back from seeing him and stop thinking about them, stop blaming her. You’ll end up much worse off if you continue the way you are.

Oh woops, sorry.

In that case i would take him up on childcare so i didnt have to pay for it 😅😂

You are not only a terrible mother to your children, but very short-sighted and damaging your own chances of happiness too.

This with bells on.

You need to get over your bitterness that he wasn't happy with you and that he left you.

He has shown he wants a relationship with the children through going to the court for overnight access. He provides for them when they are with him, and him and his soon to be wife are welcoming to them. They demonstrate a loving and affectionate relationship which is actually a healthy thing for the children to see.

I really hope he takes you back to court for more access if he has to as it sounds like the children would be better off for it. Your anger and pain will be toxic to them and they WILL feel it. It is not something they will thank you for when they are older

Op, I really feel for you. You've been through a lot and are completely entitled to feel angry and resentful at the way you've been treated.

BUT....

You are not entitled to use your hurt as a reason to come between your kids and their dad.

Your children are entitled to their own independent experience of their other parent and to be allowed to enjoy time with the rest of their family without limitations or having to think about your opinions.

It's really fucking hard but you have to stop this.

Their relationship is hard to swallow but you have to accept it and move on so that your kids can see their dad and sibling (and step mum as hard as that is!) Without feeling like they're letting you down. That's such a head fuck for a kid. You must see that.

You cannot limit contact based on the way he treated you, provided they are safe. That's not putting them first. It's punishing him for leaving you.

The money situation is shit and unfair.
BUT.... The more you antagonise and argue, the worse its likely to get.
Her money is nothing to do with you.

You have to improve the communication and relationship between you and their dad if you want everything else, including finances to improve. Only communicating through an app and still managing to argue is not helping anyone.

Please get some therapy and try to restart the relationship between you and them so that you can have a decent conversation about what the kids need.

Think of it as a business/working relationship if you have to. The only subject should be the kids.

It might not last. You might meet the most amazing man soon x

Don't punish your children for his mistakes.

Read Making Divorce work.

@Polewire I know it really fucking hurts when the person you love doesn't want you. you were never a priority for him. you can't change the past. you can't change him. you can only change yourself and your own reactions.

so woman up, stop poisoning your own heart. he's gone, it's over. you have to find your own happiness and you have to become a neutral party when managing your children's relationship with your ex. your relationship with him is totally irrelevant in that context. and this will be painful but they also need to build a relationship with his new partner. you are preventing this. you are destroying yourself and your children's long term mental health and potential to have intimate relationships out of spite.

you have become fixated on hatred and revenge, that road never led anywhere good.
.

It might be non-negociable for you but it will be very negotiable if he takes you to court for more contact now he has more time. You need to lose the mindset that these are YOUR children and yours only, and you have the right to use them to get back at your ex. A court does not like this nowadays I believe. At 4 and 5, they're making a lot of observations during their time there. I expect you are pumping them for information as soon as they get home, so you can put a negative slant in it for them and let them know you are not happy about it. This is classic PAS. You are not being a good mother here. I am sure you think you are and I am sure you can convince yourself you are acting in their best interests but you're not. You are being self-serving and spiteful.

She's hurt. He's married the wealthier woman and not her. Kids are her only weapon in her arsenal.

@DragonMama3 yes she is hurt. but using kids as weapons is emotional abuse.

@DragonMama3 Then she needs to be a grown-up and get over it, sorry.

It's been four years, now OP needs to take responsibility and get herself some therapy to deal with her hurt instead of acting it out through controlling her children.

Counselling would be a good idea OP.

I think you need to stop comparing lives as she is obviously very successful earning 3 x what he does so they are going to have more money and buy things that you can’t. That’s just life and you have to accept that.

Asking is fine though but I would be careful how you word it as messages can come across harsher than they are.

He left YOU not his kids.

After reading the last post from OP I actually think it would be better for the children to live with their dad. It appears that they are victims of parental alienation.

OP, wise people point out that a key part of a successful relationship is who you are when with another person. It sounds to me that he is a much better dad and partner with the new woman than he was with you. This doesn't mean you were bad, wrong or 'not as good as' his current partner, you are different and that difference resulting in him not being as good as he could be.

It sounds as though he may well be able to be a better dad to your children than when he was with you, if you give him a chance to be. EOW really limits the time that he has with them, and they will feel the time and attention he gives to the baby more acutely as a result of this. If they see him more, they will feel more comfortable sharing him.

I can understand why you might hate the idea of them being happy with the time spent with their new family members, and that you will hate not being with them all the time. You might also feel scared that they might end up preferring being with their other family unit, and what that might lead to. However, you need to think about what is best for them. Hopefully you will all have long, healthy lives, and during that time, your children will benefit the most from having secure, loving and trusting relationships with both their parents.

If you deny them this, and don't do what you can to foster this, the long term relationship with you (not him) could be damaged. If, as adults, they see/think that you denied them all the benefits that would have come from this, they are likely to be very upset.

It's a horrible situation you are in and I can understand your hurt, anger and resentment. However, you need to deal with that yourself and actively facilitate a good relationship between your children and their dad

Couldn’t agree more.

DHs mother split up with his father when he was 2. When he used to go to his dads, and he came home she used to be an arse (to a 5y.o) if he said he had fun. She would tell him to go live with his dad, then say he wouldn’t have him.

I’ll give everyone one guess of who he has a better relationship with as an adult.

my parents split when I was 11 - my mum encouraged me to see him if I wanted, he is a true deadbeat dad and didn’t give a crap - saw him monthly at most - but usually a couple of times a year, despite this, and knowing what he was like never once did she say or do anything to alter my opinion of him or try and sway my relationship with him. I have the upmost respect for her for that.

I wouldn't be surprised if part of the reason for him cutting hours back is to enable him to apply to the courts for better access. And if he does he should get it. You're being an idiot and only acting like this because he is happy with someone else. It won't serve you well in regards to your children in the long term.

So if you got a new partner and they made 3x your salary would you tell ex he didn't have to contribute as much?

You sound so bitter, let your kids see their dad.

He didn't leave his family, he left YOU. I'm sorry that hurts you, but that's a fundamental error in your thought process in the last 4 years and your children deserve to be protected from that

Op I’m afraid this is textbook bitter ex. You’re using the children’s to get back at your ex and his partner. You’re damaging the children to do this.

please reflect on what people are telling you and grow up.

Your projecting your own feelings onto him and kids. He didn't leave or divorce his kids so in no way were they not good enough for him.

You have obstructed contact by your own admittance.
You need to stop focusing on him and get on with your own life