To think he should maintain current contributions?

[Polewire]

I know there’s been a few threads about child maintenance etc but this is slightly different.

my ex and I split up 4 years ago. We have 2 children, 6 and 5. He left me for a woman 15 years younger than him, she was about 24 at the time I think, they maintain they didn’t have an affair but I’m 99% sure they did. That’s another story though. To be honest, I thought it was a mid life crisis and would never last but fast forward to today and they’ve bought a house, have a baby and are getting married in a few months time. Based on what my DC tell me (they stay with ex and his partner every other weekend) it’s a happy home.

i haven’t physically spoken to my ex since we split. All communication is done on an app. I hate him for breaking up our family. I hate the fact that he never wanted to do anything with us, was out every night of the week and weekend with work/sports/hobbies and now he seems to have given up all that to spend time with his partner and their child. It’s not fair on my children that they’ve seen their dad transform into this wonderful dad and partner with the new baby and partner when he wasn’t like that with us.

anyway - this is my issue. His partner has a really good job and is going back to work soon. He’s reducing his hours (she gets paid probably 3x as much as him) in order to look after their child so my maintenance is going to go down because it’s solely based on his hours.

as it stands I just get by with the amount he pays each month and if he drops down hours then I’ll lose out and they’ll still be living their high life - fancy jeep, hotel stays all the time, stuff I wouldn’t even be able to dream of doing with my children. Would it be unreasonable to message him on the app and outline that although it’s based on his income, given that he’s reducing his hours for his other child and given the fact shes earning well that he should maintain the amount he’s currently paying for our children?

You need to stop focusing on her, what she earns, what she drives, where she’s getting married etc and focus on enabling a relationship between your children and their father. As they grow they’ll pick up on your bitterness and jealously and it may push them into their arms, especially if they’re able to provide a better life for them.

Every other weekend is not enough. Given that the ex will be reducing his work hours, he will be in a better position to increase his contact time with your shared children. In turn, you will have more time to focus on your own career and increase your earning potential. Your exes new partner has done well for herself and the lifestyle your ex now has is due to her hard work. Being envious of that will cause you a lifetime of misery.

You tried to reduce his days seeing his dcs to every other Saturday !! I'm not surprised he's annoyed.

You have to forget about her. She is nothing to do with you, and is good to your DCs.

If he is reducing his payments because he is working less, then he can look after his dcs more hours, allowing you to work more to make up the shortfall - and do your career a favour. That way, you'll be better off when your dcs are grown up.

Let him do more school pick ups enabling you to stay late and earn a promotion.

I also wonder with posts like this what the take would be if the tables were turned and the ex that is already paying CM asked to reduce their payments because the DC DM/DF was now in a new relationship.

Good grief what does she see in him. 15 years older. Earns less than a third of what she does. Abandons his first dc. What a star

It should make no difference because it is not the new partners responsibility to provide for the children- doesn't matter if it is the RP or NRP.

The reasoning behind the reduction for OP is that her ex has a new baby and is reducing hours so that he can cover childcare. It's a decision which for his current household makes the most financial sense I'm assuming.

The OP has been given all of the benefits of him doing this as well though, such as taking the older children more and freeing her up to be more flexible with work, but is not interested in them as she would prefer he just puts his hand in his pocket rather than see his children.

So taking to op to court when she reduced his access is abandoning now?

The OP has been given all of the benefits of him doing this as well though, such as taking the older children more and freeing her up to be more flexible with work, but is not interested in them as she would prefer he just puts his hand in his pocket rather than see his children.

Exactly...
But I'd like to know what she would say/do

While her Ex doesn't sound the type of DF to drop his responsibilities, indeed he went to court for more time with them, the OP should spend time improving her own life instead of being bitter about her ex's new life, maybe by him having them 50/50 it'll help her to achieve this and he can drop all CM payments to her....
But In her eyes I doubt that would be fair either.

It’s pretty clear that OP isn’t going to be happy unless the new woman takes financial responsibility for kids she isn’t related to, but with no increased time allowance to spend with them.

I mean, that’s what all the comments about her materialism are designed to do - shame her for spending her own money on herself and not some kids she only sees 2 days per month and isn’t related to.

The answer OP is to allow more equal contact and then up your own hours. It isn’t to insist that your children be funded by another woman, no matter how much you’re jealous of her.

I think it's more reasonable to ask for him to increase his contact hours if the payments will go down. No point being difficult about it. The court will never ever tell his new wife to pay for your kids and that's fair enough as she shouldn't have to. You need to let go of your anger, bitterness and jealousy over the situation though, otherwise nothing will ever be enough to satisfy you.

@123sunshine just out of interest how do you stop him from being a part time dad? You can say that's not what you want, but you can't force him to have his kids if he doesn't want to. I'd love some answers as my ex has the kids 9 hrs a week and never overnight (although he has them more days in the christmas and easter holidays).
Not that thats the situation with the OP anyway. OP, he hasn't evem said he's going to reduce payments. Wait and see what happens before you start throwing your toys out the pram.

I’ve already said I don’t want them spending more time with their dad, that’s not negotiable. He left this family. He made his choice. They met through a hobby and the first time I saw her I knew I would lose him to her, she was perfect for him and I knew he fancied her before we split and I know it was him who done the chasing. He’s a different person completely. I know people are saying my actions will damage the children but when they’re there he’s all over his partner (the kids have told me this) and always is doing stuff with her and the baby so the kids will be damaged anyway seeing their dad be everything he wasn’t for us and wonder why we weren’t good enough for him to treat us like that.

Your children won’t think like that though, and as they get older they are going to resent you for keeping them from their dad. You’re playing a really risky game with your children’s lives because of jealousy.

The best thing for you to do is probably get therapy so you can be the best mother you can be. Your anger towards their father is going to be obvious, from reading your posts I doubt you are able to hide it from them. That is so so damaging to young children.

I’ve been through exactly what you are going through, and at the end of the day you have got to put your children first. It’s not about you anymore, he’s got a whole new life and you have to move on. Being bitter and angry is going to ruin so many lives.

Then you’re just going to have to suck it up then 🤷🏻‍♀️ you’re not entitled to her money.

Sorry to say this, he sounds happy now. You have stated that your ex and his new dp treat your children well. That’s all you can wish for going forward.

Please don’t be the jealous ex and feed the children poison against their dad.

Op, yes it’s awful that your family was torn apart by your exes shitty actions. People rarely think of the impact it will have on their children when they do such stupid things. But you can’t control his actions- not then and not now. You can control your own though. Don’t spend your life bitter.

YANBU to ask he keep same contributions. You can’t legally require he do so, so I would try and make a case in terms of the welfare of the children.

That's not how your children will think though!! Sounds like you want to keep them away from him.

He's made his choices yes, but you're now making choices out of spite. Your posts are so angry and bitter sounding, if that's how you feel that's totally valid - but your DC are likely to pick up on this sort of thing if it's so badly concealed in real life.

Also, the children are young. They won’tremember what daddy was like at home unless you tell them.

Respectfully OP, he didn’t leave “the family”, he just left you. It was you he didn’t want, not the children. In fact he has actively gone to court to fight for MORE time with those children because he doesn’t want to just be a cash point dad.

The only person harming your children’s relationship with their father here is you. YOU don’t want them seeing him more, YOU want more money for them, YOU are keeping track of their wedding costs and new car purchases.

At some point you have to accept that he didn’t want to leave them as their dad, he just wanted to leave you. That may feel unfair to you, but what you are doing now is completely unfair to both him and your poor children.

Absolute rubbish. My step daughter is spending a lot of time in our house, we are a very affectionate couple which is hugely beneficial for her to see. Her mum is on her 4th husband since my partner and her split up and her house is always full of drama. I wonder why.
My partner hasn't always been brilliant when the kiddo was smaller but they are absolutely inseparable now. She is included in everything and adores her dad.

By limiting your children's contact with their dad, you are not achieving anything but stopping them from developing a relationship. You can't both want him to be a good dad and not allow him equal access to kids. I predict it will come back to bite you in the proverbial once the kids are older and can see that it takes two to tango.

It’s GOOD that he’s now a different person. Allow your children to see the positive in this. Encourage them to enjoy their time with their dad and the other half of their family. It’s great that they’re seeing a happy dad, enjoying his partner and all his kids. They can only benefit from seeing a positive relationship. Your job is to explain that sometimes people fall out of love and that’s sad but it happens - people find love again and Daddy still loves you.

Your bitterness will destroy you and them OP.

Although i feel the partner, finances and lifestyle is completely irrelevant and i am the first person to feel people should not be responsible for others children and it is the parents responsibilty..I dont think your partner should drop hours as he does have duties and responsibilities towards his first DC and he is shirking those.

If i was the partner i would expect us to both work, as your children should not be neglected with their financial needs, he made a commitment to them when they were born that should be maintained as a priority unless obviously either of you has some awful incident ect and physically cant.

So no i dont feel you are unreasonable at all. All children should have equal opportunity.

You're only human OP, it fucking hurts when they leave you and become a better partner and a better father by all accounts. You need friends and family around to support you process this and not involve your children though, you dealing with being left is different to what the children are going through.

You'd hope he has accounted for maintenance when working out whether he can afford to drop his hours, but legally he can reduce it in line with his hours. If he sees them more, no reason to believe he won't be successful through court with that so it's a real possibility he will be paying even less- do you have plans for this?

Now he's planning on cutting back on his working hours perhaps it's time for you to share the kids 50/50 so you can concentrate on building your own career?