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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think he should maintain current contributions?

310 replies

Polewire · 22/12/2023 09:54

I know there’s been a few threads about child maintenance etc but this is slightly different.

my ex and I split up 4 years ago. We have 2 children, 6 and 5. He left me for a woman 15 years younger than him, she was about 24 at the time I think, they maintain they didn’t have an affair but I’m 99% sure they did. That’s another story though. To be honest, I thought it was a mid life crisis and would never last but fast forward to today and they’ve bought a house, have a baby and are getting married in a few months time. Based on what my DC tell me (they stay with ex and his partner every other weekend) it’s a happy home.

i haven’t physically spoken to my ex since we split. All communication is done on an app. I hate him for breaking up our family. I hate the fact that he never wanted to do anything with us, was out every night of the week and weekend with work/sports/hobbies and now he seems to have given up all that to spend time with his partner and their child. It’s not fair on my children that they’ve seen their dad transform into this wonderful dad and partner with the new baby and partner when he wasn’t like that with us.

anyway - this is my issue. His partner has a really good job and is going back to work soon. He’s reducing his hours (she gets paid probably 3x as much as him) in order to look after their child so my maintenance is going to go down because it’s solely based on his hours.

as it stands I just get by with the amount he pays each month and if he drops down hours then I’ll lose out and they’ll still be living their high life - fancy jeep, hotel stays all the time, stuff I wouldn’t even be able to dream of doing with my children. Would it be unreasonable to message him on the app and outline that although it’s based on his income, given that he’s reducing his hours for his other child and given the fact shes earning well that he should maintain the amount he’s currently paying for our children?

OP posts:
WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive · 22/12/2023 21:22

I disagree with a lot of what you're saying. The children seeing your ex all over his partner will not damage them, it will teach them what a loving relationship looks like.

In regards to his new partner earning more than you and your partner put together, I hate to be brutal, but good for her! She made choices that resulted in that income and her family deserve to benefit from it. Honestly, if you were that worried about the disparity, you would let your children spend more time there so they noticed it less.

I don't see the harm in asking your ex if there is any chance you could keep the maintenance the same but claiming unfairness because of their life style isn't the way to do it.

DragonMama3 · 22/12/2023 23:11

Op. I realise it smarts but you need to find ways to ease the pain. You deserve to be happy.

newwings · 22/12/2023 23:15

QueenCoconut · 22/12/2023 18:57

After reading the last post from OP I actually think it would be better for the children to live with their dad. It appears that they are victims of parental alienation.

Yes!! I'm getting the have all of us or none of us vibe. She says he left the family, no he left you.

Katypp · 23/12/2023 07:15

Parental alienation right here. The clue is these little children having apparently such strong negative opinions about their dad. Mum is drip feeding poison. OP, have you ever needed to 'rescue' them when a contact visit has 'gone wrong'? Give them a couple of years and a mobile phone and that's what will happen next.

Happilyobtuse · 23/12/2023 07:46

I don’t think you are unreasonable in asking him to maintain the same level of contribution since unfortunately you have not been included in any discussions to reduce his hours. Your children have basic needs which need to be met by their parents. Even if he has a new family he is their dad. So I would deal with this objectively, make a list of all the kids expenses and also how his contribution towards that has been till date. Mention clearly how badly his kids would be impacted if he reduced his payments. Then wait to see what he says. Do not bring your emotions about how he is happy now and how his partner has tons of money into it. It unfortunately is not relevant to your issue and will only de-rail the issue.

Happilyobtuse · 23/12/2023 07:56

Grilly · 22/12/2023 17:58

You are not only a terrible mother to your children, but very short-sighted and damaging your own chances of happiness too.

Show quote history

@Grilly - I agree with you!

@Polewire - I can understand you feel very hurt by your ex partner’s actions but looks like it was a relationship that just wasn’t working. He is happy now, let him go. It is good that kids are getting to see a happy relationship so that they know that is possible. When your ex partner is loving with his new partner he is not rejecting your children. That is only your interpretation, which is wrong. Also he left you, not his children, he has fought to have them in his life and pays regular maintenance. I think you need to move on with your life. I am sure you will find someone too if you stop being so bitter.

Goldbar · 23/12/2023 08:28

Happilyobtuse · 23/12/2023 07:46

I don’t think you are unreasonable in asking him to maintain the same level of contribution since unfortunately you have not been included in any discussions to reduce his hours. Your children have basic needs which need to be met by their parents. Even if he has a new family he is their dad. So I would deal with this objectively, make a list of all the kids expenses and also how his contribution towards that has been till date. Mention clearly how badly his kids would be impacted if he reduced his payments. Then wait to see what he says. Do not bring your emotions about how he is happy now and how his partner has tons of money into it. It unfortunately is not relevant to your issue and will only de-rail the issue.

I agree with this. I think you should ask him about whether he's thought about all of his children, not just the baby, in his decision-making. How is he going to reduce the negative impact on his older children? More time so childcare isn't needed? Pay directly for one or two items (clubs, swimming lessons etc) that you might otherwise have to cut?

For the rest, I understand that you're upset and hurt but you are going to have to find a way to move past this and co-parent objectively with your ex. You owe it to your children and they will unfortunately judge you quite harshly in future if you mar their childhood by being bitter.

WellThatWasUnfortunate · 23/12/2023 09:38

Just be careful he doesn’t use this to take you to court to get full custody.

GuinnessBird · 23/12/2023 10:13

Yeah I'm now crossing my fingers that he goes for full custody.

Children should not be used as weapons.

Codlingmoths · 23/12/2023 12:43

GuinnessBird · 23/12/2023 10:13

Yeah I'm now crossing my fingers that he goes for full custody.

Children should not be used as weapons.

You and everyone else saying you hope he gets full custody should be ashamed. If you want to talk about petty judgemental small people, go look in the mirror. It’s one thing to point out that the op can’t link money with seeing her children (although it really is shitty to just make a life choice that leaves some of your children with less) , it is totally another to say therefore I hope your children are taken off you. Have you always been a completely perfect parent, or by your standards should we all be hoping your children are taken from you?

zaazaazoo · 23/12/2023 13:05

GuinnessBird · 23/12/2023 10:13

Yeah I'm now crossing my fingers that he goes for full custody.

Children should not be used as weapons.

I agree, using dc as weapons is unconscionable. You know what's worse though? Abandoning your first set of dc to the benefit of your second. That's waaaaay worse. Why in heavens name would you want a man like that to have full custody.

You seem to have a warped sense of right and wrong.

zaazaazoo · 23/12/2023 13:07

@Happilyobtuse merrily reorganising one's life in a way that means your first set of dc will be struggling financially is a peculiar path for you to admire.

Mrsttcno1 · 23/12/2023 13:15

zaazaazoo · 23/12/2023 13:05

I agree, using dc as weapons is unconscionable. You know what's worse though? Abandoning your first set of dc to the benefit of your second. That's waaaaay worse. Why in heavens name would you want a man like that to have full custody.

You seem to have a warped sense of right and wrong.

Show quote history

Could you show me where the OP has said or even suggested that her ex has done this though? I’ve just read back over all of OP’s posts and actually she’s repeatedly said she does not allow him to have more time with his children, in fact she tried to reduce his time even further and he actively took her to court so that he could have more access to his kids.

OP has also stated that financially he has said he will buy things for them which they need if not covered by his CMD amount, he just won’t hand over extra money, but will directly buy other things that they need which is fair enough really.

Where does it say or even suggest he has “abandoned” his kids? He actively fought to see them more, it is OP preventing that. He left OP, he didn’t leave his kids. That’s something OP seems to be struggling to accept hence her constant comparisons to his new partners proposal, wedding, holiday, job, jeep. There’s a lot of bitterness and jealousy plain and simple and while that’s hard, it is OP who is letting this affect the children at this stage.

I’m not saying her ex should have full custody, but OP is essentially saying “wah wah wah, he left us he needs to step up for his kids its not fair” and he says “brilliant I’d love to have them xyz days a week I want to be a dad, I went to court to be a dad”, to which OP then replies “oh, no, I just wanted more money, not for you to be a dad”!

Lucyintheskywithadiamond · 23/12/2023 13:21

DragonMama3 · 22/12/2023 18:42

She's hurt. He's married the wealthier woman and not her. Kids are her only weapon in her arsenal.

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Kids are not a weapon, that’s fucked up thinking.

Riverlee · 23/12/2023 13:26

Ex left when the children were young, both under two. It’ll be interesting to see whether history repeats himself with the new young baby.

However, as the above post has concluded, he’s continuing to be an active part of his kids life, despite the op trying to prevent this.

rwalker · 23/12/2023 13:30

You need to take everything about her out of the equation

if he pays less ask him to have the kids more

Britpop123 · 23/12/2023 13:33

zaazaazoo · 23/12/2023 13:05

I agree, using dc as weapons is unconscionable. You know what's worse though? Abandoning your first set of dc to the benefit of your second. That's waaaaay worse. Why in heavens name would you want a man like that to have full custody.

You seem to have a warped sense of right and wrong.

Show quote history

Again the word “abandoned” being used to describe a dad who had us access cut and went to court to get it back. Abandoned? Really?

Britpop123 · 23/12/2023 13:35

rwalker · 23/12/2023 13:30

You need to take everything about her out of the equation

if he pays less ask him to have the kids more

Another one who hasn’t read the thread.
she cut his access, he went to court to get it back. She’s clearly stated it’s out of the question for him to have them any more time. It’s just money she’s after

rwalker · 23/12/2023 13:44

Britpop123 · 23/12/2023 13:35

Another one who hasn’t read the thread.
she cut his access, he went to court to get it back. She’s clearly stated it’s out of the question for him to have them any more time. It’s just money she’s after

Show quote history

I’ve read the thread thanks

Forgotmylogindetails · 23/12/2023 13:46

This reply has been deleted

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Britpop123 · 23/12/2023 13:46

rwalker · 23/12/2023 13:44

I’ve read the thread thanks

Show quote history

Then how can you suggest asking him to have the kids more when op has done the exact opposite of that in the past and has stated she does not want him having them more?

Brainworm · 23/12/2023 13:57

Whilst OP has stated she doesn't want him to 'have the kids more', many posters are pointing out that it shouldn't be about what she wants. What is in the children's best interests should be paramount.

x2boys · 23/12/2023 14:15

zaazaazoo · 23/12/2023 13:05

I agree, using dc as weapons is unconscionable. You know what's worse though? Abandoning your first set of dc to the benefit of your second. That's waaaaay worse. Why in heavens name would you want a man like that to have full custody.

You seem to have a warped sense of right and wrong.

Show quote history

He didn't abandon his kids though did he ?
In fact he took the Op, to court to get MORE time with his kids as the OP seems to think she owns the children and can reduce contact on a whim
people are allowed to leave unhappy relationships in fact women are often told on here to get their Ducks in a row etc .
I think its you who has a warped sense of right and wrong

WithACatLikeTread · 23/12/2023 14:22

GuinnessBird · 23/12/2023 10:13

Yeah I'm now crossing my fingers that he goes for full custody.

Children should not be used as weapons.

Unless she has beaten her children or starved them then one deserves to have their kids taken away. Stop being stupid.

Katypp · 23/12/2023 14:58

WithACatLikeTread · 23/12/2023 14:22

Unless she has beaten her children or starved them then one deserves to have their kids taken away. Stop being stupid.

Show quote history

Does that go both ways? As long as dad has not beaten or starved his children he does not deserve to have his kids taken away? Because that's exactly what the OP is trying to do.