To think he should maintain current contributions?

[Polewire]

I know there’s been a few threads about child maintenance etc but this is slightly different.

my ex and I split up 4 years ago. We have 2 children, 6 and 5. He left me for a woman 15 years younger than him, she was about 24 at the time I think, they maintain they didn’t have an affair but I’m 99% sure they did. That’s another story though. To be honest, I thought it was a mid life crisis and would never last but fast forward to today and they’ve bought a house, have a baby and are getting married in a few months time. Based on what my DC tell me (they stay with ex and his partner every other weekend) it’s a happy home.

i haven’t physically spoken to my ex since we split. All communication is done on an app. I hate him for breaking up our family. I hate the fact that he never wanted to do anything with us, was out every night of the week and weekend with work/sports/hobbies and now he seems to have given up all that to spend time with his partner and their child. It’s not fair on my children that they’ve seen their dad transform into this wonderful dad and partner with the new baby and partner when he wasn’t like that with us.

anyway - this is my issue. His partner has a really good job and is going back to work soon. He’s reducing his hours (she gets paid probably 3x as much as him) in order to look after their child so my maintenance is going to go down because it’s solely based on his hours.

as it stands I just get by with the amount he pays each month and if he drops down hours then I’ll lose out and they’ll still be living their high life - fancy jeep, hotel stays all the time, stuff I wouldn’t even be able to dream of doing with my children. Would it be unreasonable to message him on the app and outline that although it’s based on his income, given that he’s reducing his hours for his other child and given the fact shes earning well that he should maintain the amount he’s currently paying for our children?

I never admired the OP’s ex partner’s choice of reducing his hours, you are choosing to misunderstand. I suggested she inform her ex exactly how their children will be impacted by him reducing his hours so that he understands where she is coming from. The OP has mentioned that her ex partner has said he would buy things for the kids which they need but not hand over more cash. So objectively making a list and discussing it seems like the smart thing to do. The OP keeps saying that her partner has left his children and when he is affectionate with his new partner he is rejecting their children. That is immature. Their relationship wasn’t working, they broke up. He still loves his kids as he has taken her to court for custody and he pays maintenance. Her trying to make him leaving her as him rejecting the kids is really poisoning the children’s minds and using them as weapons in her sadness/unhappiness in him moving on with his new partner. Unfortunately people fall out of love and move on, it doesn’t mean they hate their children.

@Happilyobtuse
The OP says he was a disinterested father to his first dc and has transformed to a great father to his new baby. Thus hardly screams good and loving dad.

Also buying things rather than giving maintenance smacks of control. It also means the OP will have to go with her begging bowl every something is needed. He sounds awful

@zaazaazoo you sound as if you can put a negative spin on anything the ex does.

Your ex can pay wat CMS have calculated and is not legally obliged to pay more. He can request his current partner to open a CMS case for the children he has with her and this would reduce the CMS you receive even further.

It sounds as if something has changed for the father, resulting in him becoming a better father and partner (albeit for his new partner). This is positive for his older children too.

The OP seems to be taking up the position of as he wasn't a good father to their children in the past, she won't allow him to be in the future. Or, she won't allow him to be because they came as a package, and in rejecting her, he has to lose them too.

I also think it's reasonable for the partner who pays an agreed amount of maintenance to want to know why additional monies are needed. I would want to have an idea of what my payments were intended to cover (eg a proportion of utilities, clothes, food, transport, uniform etc.). If it wasn't covering this, I'd be keen to revisit. If it was, but other items not included in the calculation arose, I'd be happy to contribute- but would want to know what I am contributing to. Framing this as going with 'a begging bowl' isn't how I see this.

The bottom line is that breakdowns in relationships are painful and damaging. It can be very difficult to be mature and objective about the future. Anger and resentment gets played out through childcare and finances - sometimes in material ways and other times through how actions are perceived (the storying of what is happening).

I really feel for the OP. Her life hasn't gone as she'd hoped, or maybe as her ex promised. Not only does she have to live with this, she sees someone else living the life she wanted. On top of this, her tine with her children and her finances are compromised as a result of her ex having this new life. All of this is really grim for her.

It takes a lot to be able to boundary one's pain for the sake of others, not least when doing so benefits people that you feel already have taken too much from you.

OP you just sound bitter. You’re the one who’s going to end up with a poor relationship with your dc when they are older from all the negative talk of their father. You really need to let it go. You can’t expect your exdp’s soon to be wife to sub your lifestyle. It doesn’t work like that.

The Op also said that she reduced contact and he had to take her to court to get more that doesn't sound disinterested .

Sometimes in life you have to look at the whole picture and consider the 3 other people involved
not just what you want to do there no mention of Abuse or neglect the fact he went to court to get more access clear shows he wants his kids

it’s difficult not to assume withholding the kids and reducing contact is weaponising kids and done out of spite

It’s absolute shit and he should of course continue to pay you the same amount. But the law is very clear that only his income can be taken into account. It does work both ways though - if you won the lottery or married a millionaire tomorrow, he wouldn’t be allowed to reduce his legal contributions either. However, they should be working out as a household how to to continue to maintain his two elder children. I’m earning more than double my husbands salary and when my DH went to uni as part of a career change and reduced his working hours by a day in order to do so, we wouldn’t have dreamed of paying less maintenance for my DSD! Her needs didn’t change because her Dad fancied a career change and your children’s needs don’t change either - could you put it to him in that way?

I personally think they should try and keep the payments the same with his reduced hours but I also totally understand why his partner would not want to help out as it sounds like you don't really have any kind of relationship with her nor a great coparenting one with your ex either.

You are very focused on her money and it is coming across as very unhealthy, it may be worth some therapy to help you come to terms with him falling on his feet.

Saying that, people who post a lot on facebook are often trying to overcompensate for things!

Not my arsenal. Not my weapons!

@Chocolatebuttonns also true and children should never be used as weapons, but unless he has them exactly 50/50 then he’d still have to pay something. We have my DSD 6 nights in every 13, just short of 50/50. The additional night her mum has is just logistically sensible for school drop offs. Maintenance calculator still dictates that my DH pays. It’s not a lot, but it’s something.

What I struggle with, is that the argument of the new partner not being financially responsible for their partners children only works with the NRP partner! when the child goes to further education, then the maintenance loan is based on the household income of the resident parent and their partner. So in my situation, I don’t work but my partner does, my ex is very wealthy and so is his new wife. The maintenance stops at 18, then When they go to uni, my partner will be the one paying as my partner earns over the threshold! My ex has NO legal obligation to make any contributions to support their child at uni. So again, the NRP is at an advantage!

@Chocolatebuttonns yeah I totally agree with you, I think where there hasn’t been abuse etc then as close to 50/50 as possible is best for the children so that the grow up with strong bonds with both parent and any siblings.

Your partner doesn’t have legal obligations to pay towards university either. They are free to refuse.

You can't have it all ways.

You tried to reduce his access so he took you to court.

You want the same maintenance despite him dropping hours to look after his new baby.

I think YABU.

This could be an opportunity for you to increase your own income and carve a better life out for you and your kids.

Instead you're consumed by bitterness about him leaving, despite it being four years ago.

At some point you're going to have to let it go and get on with making a success of your own life.

It sucks. He's an arse. But..

You cannot change a single thing about their life. Stop wasting your energy thinking about it.

You need to focus on being as healthy and happy as you can, and work on your own earning potential - for you.

He is absolute trash and she has won a shitty prize. Leave them to it and focus on making your own life amazing.

Well as per the OP he pays as per what he has to according CMS if she wants more he is offering to cover their needs not just randomly handover more money because the OP is jealous and wants the same lifestyle his new partner is able to provide. I think he is being reasonable in that sense, he hasn’t point blank refused to pay more money to help his kids out. Looks like you are projecting your own issues rather than reading what the OP has written.

I think this, too. And there'd be no reason for him not to be granted more time with them.

If he does go to court for more access then I can see that, instead of using the opportunity to improve her own life, OP will become even more consumed by bitterness.

I understand what people are saying but I don’t want my children around him more when he favours the new baby. There’s tonight they have their family matching pj photo up for the world to see. He never ever ever would’ve done that with us. I regret ever meeting him, ever having children with him. I hate him and her so much. It’s not spite, it’s the fact everything I ever begged him for he’s given her and the baby at the drop of a hat. My children are happy enough not seeing him more. Infact if they had their way they wouldn’t care if they never saw him again! They don’t see the baby as their sibling the way that they see each other. Going to have a nice Christmas with my children and be thankful that my ex and his trophy soon to be wife will be nowhere near us! I hope this never ever lands at any of your doorsteps for the posters who are judging me!