To think if you don't eat dairy you can't expect everyone to make everything dairy free just for you?

[kimchio]

I have a relative. She's gone dairy free. Fine. We'll get some stuff she can eat in for Christmas. But she's been asking what we're having and every time I say something like coronation turkey on boxing day or trifle but don't worry I'll make you something dairy free She's being really annoying and insisting I make it all dairy free so she doesn't miss out. I think she just has to accept a dairy free trifle would be shit and she can't eat the cheese but we're all going to eat it anyway.
As long as there's enough food she can eat I think it's fine.

AIBU?

Birds trifle is vegan, so you could get one of those for her (it is also revolting, but what can you do?). .

Oooh! Do they! I think I need to visit a big tesco and look at the vegan dairy

There is nothing in my life that could ever happen to me that would ever make me want to control everyone around me

I don't care if need or choice I will never demand everyone tailor it all to me or my child

Honestly just uninvite her you sound like you hate this relative. An intolerance makes you ill why are you begrudging someone wanting to join in and eat. ALSO WHO THE F puts cream in a coronation chicken/turkey recipe wtf ???

This is a bit unreasonable - I don’t see why she can’t bring her own alternative. She can’t make you eat it, just make the one you like and people can choose for themselves.

Where has my attitude towards her stunk?

Where?

I'm catering for her. What I'm not doing is making everyone else eat all these dairy free processed alternative made with oil and chemicals just because she doesnt want us to eat dairy in front of her

Elmlea plant double whips fine. You can also do it with chilled coconut cream. Coconut collab have also brought out a new one I haven’t tried. Oatly isn’t meant for whipping. If you’ve tried Elmlea plant double and coconut cream and everyone thought they were minging fair enough but if you haven’t I wasn’t really thinking of it for you more for the vegans you live with.

Tell her it’s ‘mean’ to expect everyone else to miss out on things they enjoy just to please her.

I have an egg allergic veggi

a nut/celery/apple/avocado/soya/coconut allergic mostly vegan (who makes an exception for cheese on Christmas Day)

An autistic fussy eater who will only eat things that look right, are cooked like this, don’t smell like that etc

a type 2 diabetic

in all preceding years I also had an autistic person with a phobia of certain foods and ocd about food prep and contamination.

all for Christmas dinner… all will have plenty of lovely things to eat, labeled as safe for them, and all will manage to eat their stuff and not the stuff they can’t have without making a bloody great fuss (no air borne allergies thankfully, obviously that would be different).

If we had to only have stuff that every person could eat we would be having lettuce sandwiches with a cup of water (except the autistic one doesn’t eat sandwiches…).

Elmlea do do vegan/plant based cream and a brandy vegan cream this year.

You can also buy vegan squirty cream, it's in a black tin in the same area as the dairy stuff usually. It's packed full of ultra processed stuff but it is quite nice if you can pretend the palm oil and e numbers are healthy.

Shed be all Oooh you MUST have my trifle. Why aren't you eating it? I spent ages making it. Go on have some. Until we cave in

For the cheese buy some plant based cathedral city cheddar. I am vegan and would be very happy with that. It is the only cheese really that has made me want to eat cheese and biscuits again. Most vegan cheese tastes like feet! Some of the soft cheeses are ok if you feel you need a second.

The plant based Gu cheesecakes someone mentioned are divine.

it would be nice if you could cater for her but no need to go over the top. In that I mean you don’t need a vegan cheese board just some vegan cheese so she is included.

I've changed my vote.

YABU because you say she should put up with you eating whatever you want (which I agree, she should) but you don't want her to bring something that would allow her to enjoy similar food with you.

Your OP implied this was a lifestyle choice and not a food intolerance. If it didn't, and if people read all of your posts, I'm sure the vote would be different.

Unless she's funding it I wouldn't entertain it. Dairy free stuff is to expensive

No it isn't it contains eggs and milk.

Her demands that everyone eats shite fake dairy just so she doesn't miss out is ridiculous. Either eat naturally non dairy food or miss those items out.

But you can get a small Violife cheese selection pack in most supermarkets that's not ridiculously expensive, but it's not cheese.

Violife Plant-Based Celebration Cheese Platter 400G - Tesco Groceries

I never said it was a lifestyle choice

I think you're making out it harder than it is really.

Do all your dairy stuff but eg trifle - get a glass and put a bit of biscuit and add some jelly and a small scoop of dairy free ice cream (swedish glace is nice). You still make the full size dairy one. Buy one thing of vegan cheese, it will be interesting for others to try.

We've had veggies in the family for decades and do two-track cooking eg separate gravy.

Saying accommodating her allergy is "pandering" for starters. You're not exactly coming across as a gracious host. If she provides her own food you want her to do so only for herself too so she can't win.

I don’t eat dairy because I’m lactose intolerant. I never expect anyone to cater especially for me. We went to a friend’s for dinner last year, they know I’m dairy free. She had made a milk pudding for dessert, when I pointed out very politely, that I couldn’t eat it, she offered me a yogurt 😂.

Ah yes. Chemicals. Would love to hear how you're doing a chemical free Christmas dinner.

I am lactose intolerant but love all
things lactose. At Christmas I just eat a bought dessert while everyone has cream and lactose. Most of our dinner is lactose friendly. Cheese boards I get jealous, but would never ask someone to not eat it cause I can’t. I get to smell it and have a wee nibble.

seriously she can buy tablets that counteracts the lactose. It stops the bloating and pain. Might bung you up but you get to enjoy lactose foods. Buy her them for Xmas.

You implied it and every response on page 1 read it the same way.

I see the points of both sides on this one.
You should absolutely NOT have to have an entirely dairy-free Christmas... but as a type 2 diabetic trying very hard not to eat the things that are going to spike my blood sugar, it is very very hard to be in a situation where there are lots of delicious things for everyone else to eat but only a couple of boring things for me.
Aren't there any delicious dairy-free things you could do instead? I make coronation chicken a LOT and my recipe has no dairy in it at all! Cheese I understand, it would be sad to have Christmas without a cheeseboard, but could you offer something dairy-free that could be served at the same time? We have cheese in the evening, and in that situation I would serve pate as an alternative. I already do that as the other thing I serve is smoked salmon, which I don't like, so I have pate instead while everyone else has salmon. And there are lots of dairy free options for dessert. Also - did you know that practically all ready-made pastry is vegan! So dairy-free.
It would be very kind if you were able to ensure that she can have just as nice a Christmas as everyone else, without having to compromise on how delicious your Christmas food is overall.

Shed be all Oooh you MUST have my trifle. Why aren't you eating it? I spent ages making it. Go on have some. Until we cave in

Just say no, I’ve spent ages making mine too. Do you just like drama OP?

Im vegan, I know a lot of vegans, I don’t know any that would accept an invitation and then expect all food to be vegan, so I’m finding this difficult to believe of someone who just doesn’t eat dairy.

I know someone who doesn't eat dairy because it causes pain and gives him the shits. He was speaking to a dietitian recently who told him that mature cheese is fine for him because during the maturation process the lactose is lost. So now he eats mature cheese and he's fine with it.

The pandering only comes into it if I remake everything for everyone with dairy free stuff. I agree it is not pandering to make sure she has nice food she can eat