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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you don't eat dairy you can't expect everyone to make everything dairy free just for you?

362 replies

kimchio · 22/12/2023 08:40

I have a relative. She's gone dairy free. Fine. We'll get some stuff she can eat in for Christmas. But she's been asking what we're having and every time I say something like coronation turkey on boxing day or trifle but don't worry I'll make you something dairy free She's being really annoying and insisting I make it all dairy free so she doesn't miss out. I think she just has to accept a dairy free trifle would be shit and she can't eat the cheese but we're all going to eat it anyway.
As long as there's enough food she can eat I think it's fine.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Caterina99 · 22/12/2023 08:49

We are an allergy family.

Unless your relative has an airborne anaphylactic level dairy allergy, then she is being rather ridiculous!

If she has suddenly developed a severe allergy (possible!) then I think it’s reasonable to ask that dairy be limited in general. If she’s just got an intolerance or has stopped eating for some other reason then she needs to get a grip!

pinkdelight · 22/12/2023 08:49

She can't insist you make or do anything. Eat cheese and leave her to it.

Original poster
kimchio · 22/12/2023 08:50

DontKaleMyVibe · 22/12/2023 08:48

Dairy free products have come a long way in recent years. Dairy free trifles and cheeseboards would be easy enough to do. I wouldn't make everyone's dairy free, but I would make/buy the dairy free version of the same products so the family member isn't missing out.

She won't be missing out. Dairy free cheese sounds pointless

OP posts:
Sleeplessinseattle234 · 22/12/2023 08:50

My father was like that. I don’t drink so no one else can and no one can talk about it either.
i have a ton and I mean a ton Of food I cannot eat. But I don’t expect anyone to cater for my dietary needs and always offer to bring my own food or I don’t eat when I’m there. No way would I expect anyone to eat the same as me. It sucks , it tastes awful.

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 22/12/2023 08:50

Of course YANBU.
It sound's like she is BU though.

Regardless of whether her dairy free status is a choice or a necessity, she cannot force that on others.

PS I say that as someone who can have issues with certain dairy/cheese, depending on how much I eat (a small to average amount can be too much for me) and what other things I also eat that day.

ConnieCroydon · 22/12/2023 08:50

This reply has been deleted

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ConnieCroydon · 22/12/2023 08:50

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Original poster
kimchio · 22/12/2023 08:51

NigelHarmansNewWife · 22/12/2023 08:47

Get her a vegan cheeseboard then she's not left out when it comes to cheese. While I wouldn't cook and make things which meant there wasn't something suitable for her to eat, trying to stop others from eating cheese, etc is ridiculous of her.

Where can I find enough vegan cheese to make a cheese board? I struggled with the dairy cheese board! What is vegan cheese even made out of.

OP posts:
Motomum23 · 22/12/2023 08:51

My husband is lactose intolerant... I'm make chocolate trifle for Xmas day and he's having apple pie... he loves trifle but wouldn't ever dream to say the kids and I had to forgo real cream and chocolate for him! Yes I could make a vegan alternative but then 2 of the 4 kids wouldn't eat it because it doesn't taste as nice.

ChateauDuMont · 22/12/2023 08:52

She's a minority and has no right to pandered to die her lifestyle choice.

I'm a vegetarian but I wouldn't dream of demanding that everyone else is too.

If she carries on I would snap at her that either she doesn't come or brings her own food.

Tarmacadamia · 22/12/2023 08:52

Everyone saying you can just make everything dairy free, that's not reasonable. Plant-based alternatives have improved but they're nothing like the real thing, if you're a dairy lover. I live with two vegans but I love real cream, butter, cheese etc and they would never dream of demanding I eat their substitutes instead. We attempted a vegan trifle last Christmas and even they admitted it was minging.

SoupDragon · 22/12/2023 08:52

When catering for dietary needs I always try to make the whole meal suitable for everyone but I wouldn't avoid having things like a cheeseboard.

Is it just lactose she is intolerant to? There are usually good lactose free alternatives you can use in stuff. There's probably lactose free cheese too I think.

Original poster
kimchio · 22/12/2023 08:53

Thank you all! OK I shall look for a different coronation turkey recipie that doesn't use cream. And perhaps find a slab of this vegan cheese. Then that's it I'm done with this pandering.

Edit - wtf is Coronavirus turkey!!

OP posts:
DiamanteFan · 22/12/2023 08:53

I'm lactose intolerant and would be more than happy that you are including some dairy free options, and wouldn't expect you to skip the cheese course. vegan cheese doesn't tend to be great so I wouldn't bother tbh.

inappropriateraspberry · 22/12/2023 08:54

How stupid. I'm vegetarian, but don't expect others to not eat ham, or turkey! I would expect a good host to make sure there is an alternative for me, but not that everything is vegetarian.

DontKaleMyVibe · 22/12/2023 08:54

kimchio · 22/12/2023 08:50

She won't be missing out. Dairy free cheese sounds pointless

Show quote history

It's not pointless - the point is being able to enjoy the same food without the symptoms of intolerance/allergies. I suffer with a dairy allergy and intolerance, so I serve both dairy and dairy free everything over the holidays and the people without allergies often eat a bit of both and enjoy it.
One year they ate all my dairy free desserts because they preferred them to the dairy ones and hadn't realised they were dairy free 😂

Original poster
kimchio · 22/12/2023 08:54

Tarmacadamia · 22/12/2023 08:52

Everyone saying you can just make everything dairy free, that's not reasonable. Plant-based alternatives have improved but they're nothing like the real thing, if you're a dairy lover. I live with two vegans but I love real cream, butter, cheese etc and they would never dream of demanding I eat their substitutes instead. We attempted a vegan trifle last Christmas and even they admitted it was minging.

Edited

I'm not messing with the trifle as I agree with you. It won't work

OP posts:
kikisparks · 22/12/2023 08:54

Dairy free trifle is lovely- use coconut cream and alpro custard- but if she wants some she can make her own! Or buy one from Asda or Morrisons they both sell vegan trifle. Similarly she can bring her own dairy free cheese. (I’m vegan and in this situation would offer to bring my own with enough to share).

ColleenDonaghy · 22/12/2023 08:54

Your OP implies it's a choice rather than a medical need I think - intolerance isn't as serious as allergy but it's still not a choice.

Having said that, of course YANBU, but you should make sure she still has plenty of nice things. Ask her her favourites?

I have a DC with a serious allergy, I don't expect everyone to avoid her allergen but I'd be disappointed if family didn't ensure she could have plenty of yummy things.

If this is a recent change she's probably still wrapping her head around it, it can be a tricky thing to figure out for some.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 22/12/2023 08:54

‘Coronavirus turkey recipe ‘

That will teach her! 🤡

NigelHarmansNewWife · 22/12/2023 08:54

Dairy free cheese sounds pointless to you. Imagine if you've previously enjoyed something like cheese then you find it makes you ill and you can't have it. Yes the vegan stuff isn't the same, but some of them are fine. Tesco has a vegan cheeseboard in its dairy free fridge section.

AintTooGoodAtPraying · 22/12/2023 08:55

As long as there’s other food she can eat, it’s fine.

Personally we always make a version of what we have to suit the persons diet because the favour is always returned in our group.

Original poster
kimchio · 22/12/2023 08:55

kikisparks · 22/12/2023 08:54

Dairy free trifle is lovely- use coconut cream and alpro custard- but if she wants some she can make her own! Or buy one from Asda or Morrisons they both sell vegan trifle. Similarly she can bring her own dairy free cheese. (I’m vegan and in this situation would offer to bring my own with enough to share).

I don't want a coconut trifle

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 22/12/2023 08:55

kimchio · 22/12/2023 08:53

Thank you all! OK I shall look for a different coronation turkey recipie that doesn't use cream. And perhaps find a slab of this vegan cheese. Then that's it I'm done with this pandering.

Edit - wtf is Coronavirus turkey!!

Edited

I think coronavirus turkey sounds the perfect party dish 😂😂😂

kikisparks · 22/12/2023 08:56

Tarmacadamia · 22/12/2023 08:52

Everyone saying you can just make everything dairy free, that's not reasonable. Plant-based alternatives have improved but they're nothing like the real thing, if you're a dairy lover. I live with two vegans but I love real cream, butter, cheese etc and they would never dream of demanding I eat their substitutes instead. We attempted a vegan trifle last Christmas and even they admitted it was minging.

Edited

What did you make the trifle with? All the non vegans request my vegan trifle at Christmas (and no they are not just being nice).