To think if you don't eat dairy you can't expect everyone to make everything dairy free just for you?

[kimchio]

I have a relative. She's gone dairy free. Fine. We'll get some stuff she can eat in for Christmas. But she's been asking what we're having and every time I say something like coronation turkey on boxing day or trifle but don't worry I'll make you something dairy free She's being really annoying and insisting I make it all dairy free so she doesn't miss out. I think she just has to accept a dairy free trifle would be shit and she can't eat the cheese but we're all going to eat it anyway.
As long as there's enough food she can eat I think it's fine.

AIBU?

if you want to make dairy free trifle - use elmlea plant and alpro soya custard. I guarantee no one will know it’s dairy free!

you can use elmlea plant in the coronation turkey too.

dairy free cheese is not so easy as it does not taste or have the consistency of cheese.

YANBU but if you want any tips from a mum of a child with a CMP allergy let me know

if your gues is lactose intolerant, she can have some lactase tablets and as long as she doesn't eat massive portions, she will be fine.

You do sound uncompassionate OP. Take a step back and think about what really matters and the type of person you want to be.

Among my in-laws we have:

One who is dairy and gluten intolerant
One gluten intolerant
One vegan
Two vegetarians, one of whom is also gluten intolerant
One pescatarian

and several fussy eaters (including one who won't eat any veg apart from potatoes).

When my late DP and I cooked Christmas dinner for the whole lot of them, we made a nut roast for the ones who didn't eat meat, and a fruit salad for those who wouldn't/couldn't eat Christmas pud. MIL brought a trifle.

The vegan and one vegetarian both had trifle, despite being informed that the jelly contained non-vegetable gelatine! The vegan was rather vocal about not being able to have the cauliflower cheese because it had actual "cow cheese" in it and the sauce was made with "cow milk".

There were heavy hints that we should cook at Christmas again for 3 subsequent years, but we always swerved it. Cooking for 18 was quite enough hassle, without having to cater for all the different dietary requirements.

I amlactose intolerant/ dairy free. My bil just leaves a small plate of veg out for me before using cream or butter etc on the others. I accept pudding will be different especially trifle and don’t eat it, she can bring her own

she can bring dairy free cheese, I would

Your sister is a monster. Poor sprouts.

Do they sell these in big tescos?

It doesn’t matter if it’s an allergy or a lifestyle choice, it doesn’t mean that other people can’t have things (unless it’s an allergy that means it’s dangerous to have that thing around them at all).

I am a wheelchair user- I can’t go tramping over the moors I live on because my wheelchair won’t manage the terrain. Does this mean that no one else can go for a walk over Christmas? No. Why would I deprive everyone else of enjoyment?

I mean...I get the shits when I consume dairy and I have IBS. But at Christmas I just eat anything cos it's a faff for all my relatives to start fannying around making special foods for me.

It's Christmas. I'll take the shits and tummy ache over forcing extra work on those hosting any day. But judging by the responses you've received, OP, I am in the minority!

I didn't realise coronation chicken could be done with out dairy so thats on me. I'll sort it out by looking online.

Has she expressly said it's so that she doesn't miss out? (if so YANBU)
Or could it be that she thinks it's less work for you to make one thing that everyone can eat rather than getting extra stuff specially for her?

Stick to your guns, I won't eat these processed dairy alternatives. For example this is what the vegan double cream contains.

• Lentil Protein Preparation (Water, 1.1% Lentil Protein), 31% Vegetable Oils (Coconut, Rapeseed), Sugar, Modified Corn Starch, Emulsifiers (Sunflower Lecithin, Sugar Esters of Fatty Acids, Mono- and Diglycerides of Fatty Acids), Stabilizers (Guar Gum, Locust Bean Gum), Natural Flavours, Salt, Colourant (Beta-Carotene)

and this is what proper double cream contains. milk.

OP, why is this twat even invited? She has no concept of what it means to be a gracious guest.

There are lots of things I can’t eat, I would never to presume to dictate to my hosts as your relative is doing. I just accept the veggie food and bring in anything else I need myself.

Does she make you dairy food when she hosts? Does she even ever bloody host?

This is my wife’s view- she is vegan and allergic to lots of things.

When we go to dinner parties/buffets she eats anything that won’t make her actually ill- if there is enough salad and couscous, brilliant. If not she will eat potatoes with butter in them, or cheese straws or whatever, rather than place unreasonable pressure on the hosts.

I wasn’t doing any of that though, just noted that presumably the vegans wanted trifle since you tried to make one, you said the one you made was minging so was offering a suggestion if they wanted to try again. Obviously if they’re happy without trifle and have now decided they don’t want to recreate any dishes they previously enjoyed that is fair enough.

Asda have a small vegan cheeseboard with a selection of cheeses for £4 in the Christmas range.

My dc are allergic to milk and I wouldn’t expect everything to be dairy free. It’s lovely when something can be found that is suitable and everyone will enjoy, but I’m happy to do that. I wouldn’t expect other people to.

Reading through I'd say this isn't just about the trifle or indeed the dairy intolerance. I get the impression there's a bit of tension outside of this between you both - I wonder if the way you talk about your relative is how you'd talk about a friend (that you like haha). I gets vibes that this relative frequently expects everyone to cater to her needs and complains when asked to compromise or doesn't agree with her. This attitude makes all the difference when catering for others 🙄 I would go out of my way to include any friends dietary wishes (and have done) but also know they wouldn't expect the whole spread to be catered to them (unless a serious allergy/airborne etc). If my guest liked trifle (or indeed was a main desert) and needed it adapted, I would do it, because I know they'll appreciate the effort/thought (even if rank ha) and continue with optional extras 😉 they would offer to share with those who want to try as it's polite, but would accept if others said "no, thank you"...they also wouldn't be preaching to others their dietary requirements nor how little accommodations have been made. For my friends (and family) I would likely even go overboard as I would be keen to make them feel happy and included - they would for me too (and have!).

This isn't a dietary issue, this, is a "I'm not looking forward to a Christmas with this relative" issue lol (IMO)

😂 make her bring the dairy free meal/dessert so 'you' don't miss out

I’m dairy and gluten free as recommended by doctor following various tests (not allergic or coeliac though). No way would I expect any special catering, I bring my own or go hungry and quaff wine with a smile on my face (latest party I went to!).

It's chicken mixed with mayonnaise, curry powder, dried fruit and mango chutney.

I don't understand how it would have dairy in it.

Three things

It's easier than most people realise to substitute for dairy free alternative ingredients when cooking. And these days you won't notice the taste difference. So if you can do it, it's not a huge deal.

But.
She has to cope with living in a world where there will be things she now can't eat.

And on that note, I wouldn't be giving up my cheese for Christmas on the basis that she can't eat it. That's just unlucky.

So I'd do what I could for items it didn't make a difference to me but I wouldn't ban all dairy.

i mean... dairy free trifle is a bowl of jelly surely?

It's obviously up to her not you but if she's fairly mildly lactose intolerant she could take lactase and still have the dairy, my friend does that. Otherwise the non dairy suggestions others have made sound good.

She sounds an absolute pain. You can’t expect everything to revolve around your dietary needs at a large gathering. Coronation chicken is easy to do dairy free and as long as there is plenty she can eat, SIBU to make a fuss about it. I have a few friends with food allergies and they are very appreciative when I work around them, not demanding!

tell her to bring a dairy free desert we can all enjoy and some vegan cheese so she can have her own cheese board.