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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you don't eat dairy you can't expect everyone to make everything dairy free just for you?

362 replies

kimchio · 22/12/2023 08:40

I have a relative. She's gone dairy free. Fine. We'll get some stuff she can eat in for Christmas. But she's been asking what we're having and every time I say something like coronation turkey on boxing day or trifle but don't worry I'll make you something dairy free She's being really annoying and insisting I make it all dairy free so she doesn't miss out. I think she just has to accept a dairy free trifle would be shit and she can't eat the cheese but we're all going to eat it anyway.
As long as there's enough food she can eat I think it's fine.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SatanClaws · 22/12/2023 11:59

daisybe · 22/12/2023 11:56

This. I've tried making alternatives before, too.

Always ended up in disaster. The chocolate cake was literally like crumbly cement that tasted like gasoline (not even joking here)

if you're not practiced and rehersed with tested recipies/alternatives, it's a huge ask of someone to make an entire meal dairy free (or vegan or gluten/sugar/whatever free) not to mention more expensive.

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American cake recipes use oil instead of butter - you get the same cake consistency.

Cream - heavenly whipped do a plain and, I discovered, a chocolate squirty cream. The chocolate one I've only ever seen in Morrisons.

  • coconut collaborative cream whips well

Custard - Alpro vanilla or chocolate soya custard is edible but if you want to splash out coconut collaborative are the best for this.

Yes you can tell it's different to dairy versions but not in a bad way, it's delicious just different.

LadyBeeOfTheHive · 22/12/2023 12:00

I have to be dairy free as I’m lactose intolerant, which is a huge pain in the butt to be totally honest as a lot of food has hidden milk in it but I wouldn’t be going mad over family not making EVERYTHING dairy free. On the occasion we have family gatherings family have made a few dairy free options or I take my own, I wouldn’t dream of demanding everything be dairy free - what bat-shittery is that?!

If she’s that worked up over it, tell her bring a bloody packed lunch!

SatanClaws · 22/12/2023 12:00

Flora vegan butter blocks cook just as well as normal butter if you would rather use a traditional cake recipe.

Virtually all ready roll pastry is dairy free

KT8282 · 22/12/2023 12:02

People like this drive me mad. I can’t have dairy or gluten but would never dream of denying someone else something! This sort of attention seeking behaviour makes me feel awkward about telling new people about my intolerances in case they think it’s for attention. I’m just grateful to get something that isn’t fruit! (I have been to several weddings where my starter and dessert were both pieces of fruit. I mean, come on…).

DiegosMomHasGotItGoingOn · 22/12/2023 12:05

I'm lactose intolerant, I just don't eat the things that will make me sick or accept that if I can't resist I will feel ill afterwards. Sometimes it's worth it, sometimes it's not. I don't expect everything to be dairy free and I wouldn't touch vegan cheese, it's vile!

There are lactase tablets you can get but at this point I doubt she would get them in time.

Crayfishforyou · 22/12/2023 12:08

Yanbu. She can’t eat dairy, you said you will provide dairy free alternatives. The only problem with this is hers.
She probably has an issue with it as most dairy alternatives taste awful.

Shadowsindarkplaces · 22/12/2023 12:09

Saw this on Fakebook..😅

To think if you don't eat dairy you can't expect everyone to make everything dairy free just for you?
brunettemic · 22/12/2023 12:24

As long as she’s catered for she should just wind her neck in.

AnneValentine · 22/12/2023 12:25

Spirallingdownwards · 22/12/2023 10:25

Perhaps reread my post which does not mention cheese but desserts.

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Dairy free cream is also not.

ShanghaiDiva · 22/12/2023 12:31

My ds is dairy free and I use the flora vegan butter in all baking and it’s fine- no difference at all. I think it’s completely fine for you to offer alternative dishes, no need to make everything dairy free.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 22/12/2023 12:40

I’d uninvite her. Sorry, but hell would freeze over if someone tried to tell me how I’m cooking Christmas dinner.

Strictlymad · 22/12/2023 12:41

I have been df for allergy reasons for 5 years so know what dairy stuff matters in and what it doesn’t! I think you are getting a hard time op! It’s rubbish going to a gathering and being able to eat a lettuce leaf, I’ve been there, it’s lovely when the host makes an effort. But i wouldn’t expect them to make everything df or everyone else to be subjected to vegan cheese (Waitrose Brie is absolutely the only decent one around). Coronation chicken just leave out the cream on her bit. Pudding either use vegan elmlea and alpro custard (can’t tell imo) or get a vegan gu (they are divine!) flora plant butter you can’t tell. Most vegan ice creams are amazing! If she’s reasonable a text along the lines of- I was planning xyz, I don’t want you to miss out, are the any alternatives you particularly like/don’t like I can get for you?

Inertia · 22/12/2023 12:47

Utterly unreasonable of your guest to demand everything is dairy free. I’m veggie, and if I visited my relatives and demanded entirely meat-free meals for all I’d be laughed out of the house.

As long as your guest has an alternative, make all the dairy things you want. If you’re making a trifle, could you make a smaller trifle alongside the main one , and just top the individual trifle with dairy free cream? It should be possible to buy a couple of dairy free cheeses for your guest, and maybe serve ham/ pate/ celery/grapes with them so she gets the cheese board experience.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 22/12/2023 12:50

DH went lactose intolerant, so I've had to find alternatives for him - which I eat too. My experience is that dairy free cheese is awful (though I gave up after one try, so there may be better ones out there) but DF milk, cream, custard & ice cream can be fantastic. During Covid lockdowns we made DF trifles quite often just for fun, adding liqueurs & seeing how quickly they could be made. Our fastest recipe was:

swiss roll (various flavours available) cut up & put in individual bowls
booze of your choice poured over
Dole mandarin segments in jelly, 1 pot per bowl spooned out on top
DF custard on top
glace cherries on top

A chocolate version can be done, using chocolate mini rolls & Alpro chocolate or caramel/ vanilla soya pudding in place of custard.

The fast version is not exactly haute cuisine😁, but it's good fun. OP could just sub the dairy bits of a posh trifle with DF alternatives & that should be OK.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 22/12/2023 12:54

I vote YANBU, and I'm vegan! She can always not come? I'm perfectly happy going to my parents' for meals most of the year and them eating non-vegan food around me. Personally, I don't like feeling 'left out' at Christmas, so Christmas Day is just me and my daughter at home, eating lovely (vegan) food all day! I would never expect someone else to make everything vegan just for us though.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 22/12/2023 12:57

kimchio · 22/12/2023 08:54

I'm not messing with the trifle as I agree with you. It won't work

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Morrison's vegan trifle is lovely. Tell her to buy one and bring it if she's going to feel left out!

Dotjones · 22/12/2023 12:58

Just uninvite her and the problem is solved, she won't have to see other people eating things she can't and she can buy herself whatever she wants.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 22/12/2023 13:01

MotherOfGodWeeFella · 22/12/2023 09:09

Saying accommodating her allergy is "pandering" for starters. You're not exactly coming across as a gracious host. If she provides her own food you want her to do so only for herself too so she can't win.

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She's already said, she's intolerant (cough, not a baby cow), it's not an allergy.

RaininSummer · 22/12/2023 13:02

I am adapting things which can be adapted to dairy free for my family and they know there are some things they will not eat. I want them to feel welcome and have nice food.

LifeExperience · 22/12/2023 13:19

My son is vegan. My daughter has coeliac. It wouldn't enter either of their minds to demand the entire meal be vegan/gluten free because they are not self-centered and understand that not everything is about them.

Provide some food she can eat and make the rest the way you like it. People are allowed their needs/preferences but they don't get to dictate and demand to everyone else.

Mmmmmmm12 · 22/12/2023 13:21

Yes usually x

To think if you don't eat dairy you can't expect everyone to make everything dairy free just for you?
To think if you don't eat dairy you can't expect everyone to make everything dairy free just for you?
IncompleteSenten · 22/12/2023 13:23

I'd compromise on some things where possible but not everything.

You need to tell her that you are not doing a 100% dairy free Christmas and if that's going to mean she sits there with a face like a slapped arse then she should feel free to stay home.

Nttttt · 22/12/2023 13:28

@Bumblebeestiltskin you do realise that intolerances can cause severe problems too?

I have a gluten intolerance and ended up in intensive care with stomach problems because I lost a lot of blood a few years ago. I was in a different country and have to be flown back to the UK once I was stable.

They’ve now found that due to the intolerance I’ve done damage which is causing malabsorption and I’m very anaemic and possibly looking at transfusions to correct this.

PGmicstand · 22/12/2023 13:42

Whenthebirdssing · 22/12/2023 11:11

Sorry. Don’t want to derail but is that a known thing? That would explain a lot if it is.

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For me , dairy intolerance developed through my later 40s. My sister is now experiencing issues with milk and cheese, having been a fan of both for decades. Might just be one of those things that is coincidental to menopause for both of us.

LakieLady · 22/12/2023 14:02

Boomboom22 · 22/12/2023 10:25

Do try the elmea before you make anything with it. I've bought it by mistake before as they put it with the cream and it is not cream! It is upf flavoured fake cream. Now i see dairy free people say it tastes the same, and alpro custard tastes the same. Maybe if your taste buds are poor, like quorn chicken tastes the same (ie you can taste the difference immediately, quorn is rank and nothing like meat in taste or texture).

While Elmlea fake cream doesn't taste massively different from the real thing imo, what it lacks is the lovely silky feel in the mouth that proper cream has, in the same way that no vegetarian spread feels the same as butter.

The thought of custard made with fake cream just makes me sad, tbh. And as for using fake cream and fake cream custard for trifle, that's just a waste. Why go to all that trouble to make something that's just not very nice? There are plenty of dairy free puddings that are perfectly pleasant, have one of those instead!