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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you don't eat dairy you can't expect everyone to make everything dairy free just for you?

362 replies

kimchio · 22/12/2023 08:40

I have a relative. She's gone dairy free. Fine. We'll get some stuff she can eat in for Christmas. But she's been asking what we're having and every time I say something like coronation turkey on boxing day or trifle but don't worry I'll make you something dairy free She's being really annoying and insisting I make it all dairy free so she doesn't miss out. I think she just has to accept a dairy free trifle would be shit and she can't eat the cheese but we're all going to eat it anyway.
As long as there's enough food she can eat I think it's fine.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ohdamnitjanet · 22/12/2023 11:09

kimchio · 22/12/2023 08:51

Where can I find enough vegan cheese to make a cheese board? I struggled with the dairy cheese board! What is vegan cheese even made out of.

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A decent vegan cheese board would cost a bloody fortune, it’s really expensive, she can cough up for it and bring it if she’s that bothered.

mn29 · 22/12/2023 11:10

Yanbu. As long as there are plenty of options for her to eat then it’s her bad luck that she has to miss out on cheese and trifle, she can’t expect others not to eat the things they enjoy just because she can’t have them. I was dairy free for a long time whilst bf, I would never have dictated that others couldn’t have things just because I was missing out. She’s the unreasonable one.

Preschoolmum78 · 22/12/2023 11:10

The gluten free thing came up on daytime tv this week and caused a huge issue about do they/don’t they have a gluten free Christmas. For celiacs cross contamination can be extremely serious.

Whenthebirdssing · 22/12/2023 11:11

PGmicstand · 22/12/2023 10:07

I'm dairy free (thanks menopause-generated intolerance) and I'd appreciate if you had one or two things I could eat. However I would certainly not expect you to make everything in the meal df, and would offer to bring subs of cheese, trifle, etc.

Sorry. Don’t want to derail but is that a known thing? That would explain a lot if it is.

WearyAuldWumman · 22/12/2023 11:13

NBA I've had to go dairy free since a bad bout of food poisoning in January. I don't expect folk to cater to my diet.

Boomboom22 · 22/12/2023 11:15

Yes gf is often actually a serious autoimmune disease so if you are glutened your body cannot them process any other food amd nutrients properly for up to 3 weeks (well 5 yrs to regrow the gut lining 100% but most back in 3 weeks). Which is nothing like having a mild allergic reaction like diarrhea but still gaining nutrients from everything's else you eat.
My 5 Yr old is coeliac but we don't eat all gf. Just use toaster bags, different butter pack, wipe things down. He's severe enough for me to get the covid and flu jabs as a 30 something. He's had the pneumonia jab, usually only over 70s amd those with autoimmune diseases get these.

Original poster
kimchio · 22/12/2023 11:16

BarbaraofSeville · 22/12/2023 09:35

It's chicken mixed with mayonnaise, curry powder, dried fruit and mango chutney.

I don't understand how it would have dairy in it.

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Cream

OP posts:
REP22 · 22/12/2023 11:18

YANBU, she is. I am a vegetarian and have a serious nut allergy. But absolutely no way would I expect people to cater especially for me and would be mortified if they did. The veggie thing is my choice and I am perfectly happy to just enjoy the veg. without any fuss at all. The nut allergy I cannot help, but it's not for me to dictate what everybody else eats. Sometimes there's a nut-free pudding as an option, if not then I'm quite happy to just have custard and a mince pie.

The wishes/needs of one person should not outweigh all the others. Allergies and food intolerances can be awkward or embarrassing, but only if they're made out to be. And, there are some people who wear their allergy like a proud badge of honour, loudly announcing "I can't eat THAT!!" My nut allergy has almost killed me - but I have absolutely no business dictating what everyone else does and eats. I have medication in case of emergency, but I've only ever needed it once in a Christmas situation and even then I didn't say anything to our hosts. It wasn't their fault.

You are already being accommodating and generous by providing something for her. But she has no right to insist on what everyone else has. She's your guest. She either accepts your hospitality and kind provision, and the rights of others to enjoy their Christmasses, or she can sit at home alone with Strictly and a gluten-free Pot Noodle.

Hope you have a lovely time, and don't let her guilt you into changing your plans. x

LetMeGoogleThat · 22/12/2023 11:19

Yanbu! My son has a severe egg and dairy allergy, but I made his dairy free and scoff my own body weight in cheese in front of him!

Namchange101 · 22/12/2023 11:21

YANBU, OP. My family are dairy free by choice and 2 of us are veggie. Nobody else in our families are and I never expect anyone to go out of their way to cater for us because I know it can be tricky for them. I always offer to bring our own provisions and/or take what’s on offer or go without if necessary. It’s our choice to have this diet and nobody else’s problem.

Silvers11 · 22/12/2023 11:22

kimchio · 22/12/2023 08:41

Aparantly it's mean if we're eating cheese and she can't have any

@kimchio As others have said - buy some vegan cheese? Vegans don't eat anything with 'Dairy' in it so vegan cheese would fit the bill?

ElizabethVonArnim · 22/12/2023 11:24

This thread is brilliant! Apart from the obvious narkiness, it's an absolute treasure-trove of good tips. Marking it for next year.

TigerRag · 22/12/2023 11:24

Silvers11 · 22/12/2023 11:22

@kimchio As others have said - buy some vegan cheese? Vegans don't eat anything with 'Dairy' in it so vegan cheese would fit the bill?

Edited
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Vegan cheese is gross!

Riverlee · 22/12/2023 11:26

I agree with you. My dc is milk intolerant. I’m still buying cheese, brandy butter, trifle, cheesecake etc.

ifs she going dairy free, she’s got to accept there’ll be times when people will be eating food she can’t.

Scirocco · 22/12/2023 11:28

I was dairy-free for over a year because of DC's allergy. I was very strict with myself in terms of checking for potential contamination or trace ingredients.

If someone included a dairy-free option, or an alternative, I would feel very grateful, but I didn't expect it or demand that other people didn't eat dairy.

In your situation, I'd suggest making sure there's something she can eat for each course (that could be as simple as saying, "there's melon for a starter, a dairy-free coronation chicken/turkey and veg without butter, and a gu dessert") - the times someone did that for me, I felt very happy. If she doesn't like the option available, then she can always bring something herself.

Personally, I found vegan cheese depressing. However, coconut-based desserts, including trifle, can be delicious.

moomoomoo27 · 22/12/2023 11:29

TigerRag · 22/12/2023 11:24

Vegan cheese is gross!

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there are lots of different types, some are much better than others

ClottedCreamScone · 22/12/2023 11:29

To be fair I’ve never heard of anyone putting cream in coronation chicken so that should be an easy fix.

I still think it’s unreasonable to refuse to let her bring a trifle because you think she’ll ask you to taste it. You could actually have a taste to see if you like it but if you don’t want to it’s really just a case of saying ‘no thanks, I’ve already chosen the dairy one’ every time she asked. She’s clearly thick skinned, you can just say no to her. It’s unreasonable to forbid a person with allergies from bringing food they can safety eat and enjoy just because you think it might be a bit annoying to be asked to try it.

she sounds like a pain generally from the way you describe her but you can’t use that to control a person with allergies bringing their own food.

KVick · 22/12/2023 11:38

Your relative needs to learn how to cook and bring a dish if she's got dietary restrictions.

Emotionalsupportviper · 22/12/2023 11:40

Iwantmyoldnameback · 22/12/2023 08:43

Is it a medical condition or a choice?

Doesn't matter - she hasn't the right to dictate other people's food choices.

Ibt · 22/12/2023 11:44

What about telling her to get some lactolose. They sell it in Holland and Barrett, it will stop the side effects of lactose intolerance and then she can eat all the cheese!

PickAChew · 22/12/2023 11:48

kimchio · 22/12/2023 08:51

Where can I find enough vegan cheese to make a cheese board? I struggled with the dairy cheese board! What is vegan cheese even made out of.

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Fat. It's mostly revolting. If it's just lactose, you can get lactose free dairy, including some cheese and she can stop being so damned petulant about the odd item she can't have.

daisybe · 22/12/2023 11:52

kimchio · 22/12/2023 08:50

She won't be missing out. Dairy free cheese sounds pointless

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FDairy free cheese is the worst (ive tried several dairy free items) and quite frankly she's being somewhat selfish and self centered if she expects all your other guests to eat that tasteless crap just because she gets a stomach ache (there are digestive enzymes you can take btw)

She's being very unreasonable to expect an entire meal to be made dairy free just for her.

Not only are all the alternatives more expensive but they don't always taste all that great, especially if you're not used to its texture and flavour.

I remember SIL suddenly decided to go vegan and sugar free. At a family bbq she got MIL to make a vegan, sugar free trifle.
It looked like vomit layered with more vomit. I didn't touch it and glad I bought some snacks in M&S on the way (I suspected she'd influence some dishes so I came prepared)

I'm currently having various food aversions due to pregnancy. And cravings. So I'm suspecting I may not tolerate the usual meat and roast offerings.
I'm not asking anyone to cater for me. I plan to bring my own food just in case I have "one of those days" so as not to put anyone out. Simple. Even if I had an intolerance, I'd never expect anyone to change their food for me. Christmas and hosting/ cooking is expensive and stressful enough as it is.
You do you. This woman needs to get over herself and be grateful you're kindly making some dairy alternatives for her at all. But don't deprive everyone else on her account.

There'd be the end of days if the cheese board was absent at our Christmas!!

Ibt · 22/12/2023 11:53

Oops that should have said lactase! Lactolose will make it a lot worse

daisybe · 22/12/2023 11:56

kikisparks · 22/12/2023 08:56

What did you make the trifle with? All the non vegans request my vegan trifle at Christmas (and no they are not just being nice).

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This. I've tried making alternatives before, too.

Always ended up in disaster. The chocolate cake was literally like crumbly cement that tasted like gasoline (not even joking here)

if you're not practiced and rehersed with tested recipies/alternatives, it's a huge ask of someone to make an entire meal dairy free (or vegan or gluten/sugar/whatever free) not to mention more expensive.