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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anti-gay marriage

239 replies

NotGotAClue1 · 21/12/2023 13:21

My finance and the father of my young child told me that he doesn’t agree with gay marriage, not being gay in general, just the marriage part. And that it would be better for a child to be raised by a man and a woman. I’m completely offended by this and don’t agree in the slightest. I think he is thinking like a dinosaur and needs to move with the times. He thinks we can have different views and move on. But this has actually changed the way I look at him. He isn’t religious at all which is making me even more confused at his strong views.

AIBU?

OP posts:
JenJenJenJenJenJen · 21/12/2023 13:22

Tell him lots of people don’t believe in men having children out of wedlock.

Cosyblankets · 21/12/2023 13:26

Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Given that you're engaged and having a baby I would have thought his opinions on many things would have come up in conversation by now. Just because you don't agree with it, I don't see how you're personally offended by it.

graceinspace999 · 21/12/2023 13:27

I’m sure your opinion is the most acceptable right now.

As long as he tolerates your opinion then why not tolerate his?

PinkArt · 21/12/2023 13:32

And that it would be better for a child to be raised by a man and a woman
Tell him a lot of his fellow dinosaurs think it would be better for a child to be raised by a married man and a woman.
I don't get how you get this far into a relationship without discovering someone's bigotry but you're right to say that it's not just a difference of views - I'm not sure that's the kind of view I could get past. Would he voice those opinions to your child if they end up in a commited gay relationship one day??

Hermittrismegistus · 21/12/2023 13:34

How did you not know this before you became pregnant? Didn't you talk to each other about your views and beliefs? These things are quite important when raising a family together.

SirWalterElliot · 21/12/2023 13:34

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him. Have you asked him how he would react to your child being gay or questioning their sexuality?

Desecratedcoconut · 21/12/2023 13:36

I think the trick is to get to know somebody before you tether yourself to a person for life by having a child with them.

VickyEadieofThigh · 21/12/2023 13:36

It sounds like you knew very little about him before you got pregnant and engaged.

Not the best idea, I'm afraid.

Cosyblankets · 21/12/2023 13:37

How long have you been together?

RampantIvy · 21/12/2023 13:38

Given that he holds such antiquated views why didn't he marry you before you had a child?

RocketIceLollie · 21/12/2023 13:38

Everyone is entitled to have their own opinions on any given topic. Your opinion on any given topic is no more right or wrong than his. As long as neither of you proactively express your opinions to the extreme expecting everyone to dance with you in an echo chamber. If so then your differing values are probably going to clash when raising your children or out in public.

pponk · 21/12/2023 13:39

I think it's key to understand how his opinion may impact on any future gay children he has. would he be supportive of them, would he change his mind and be happy if they got married etc. if he says anything suggesting he wouldn't, then you can't risk raising a kid with him

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/12/2023 13:39

The only person I know who’s anti gay marriage is a happily coupled up gay vicar.

Boomboom22 · 21/12/2023 13:42

So is he really saying he thinks children should have a mother? Or does he disagree with all gay marriage? What about unmarried gay men who adopt?

Beezknees · 21/12/2023 13:42

I'm not gay and my DS has not been raised by a man and a woman. 2 loving parents sounds wonderful to me.

SummaLuvin · 21/12/2023 13:44

this isn't something I could just think 'oh difference of opinion, agree to disagree' for me it would be a dealbreaker.

Also - better for a child to be raised by a man and a woman - in terms of this, his energy would be better focused on deadbeat dads not involved in their kids lives, than children raised by two loving parents who happen to be the same sex

GreatGateauxsby · 21/12/2023 13:44

is this new news?

I don’t really understand how you managed to know him well enough to consider getting pregnant, be pregnant and then raise a child together for a period of time without him ever expressing any homophobic views…

CurlewKate · 21/12/2023 13:44

@graceinspace999 "As long as he tolerates your opinion then why not tolerate his?"

Because t's wrong. Not an opinion. Wrong.

scatterolight · 21/12/2023 13:44

Your opinion is very fashionable in the modern era. But go back a few years and everyone would have agreed that the ideal situation is for a child to have a mother and father. Perhaps the wheel will turn again one day and it's you who will be the dinosaur.

Perhaps you could list the advantages of being a motherless or fatherless child compared to having both? You might be able to persuade your DP to your fashionable view.

Edinburghguy · 21/12/2023 13:45

He is entitled to his view as you are to disagree.

If the disagreement is a big issue for you then you have a problem that you need to address.

Desecratedcoconut · 21/12/2023 13:46

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/12/2023 13:39

The only person I know who’s anti gay marriage is a happily coupled up gay vicar.

Yeah, the opinions aren't usually expressed together but they aren't diametrically opposed. I think there is some resistance to the idea that the church is obliged to adapt to meet current thinking - even if that doesn't extend to absorb their own sexuality.

I don't have a dog in this fight, being both straight and an atheist.

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 21/12/2023 13:47

I agree with @RocketIceLollie
people can and do have different opinions.
as long as it doesn’t interfere with life in general, btw opinion's change over time with life and experience.

AuntMarch · 21/12/2023 13:49

Sometimes peoples bigoted opinions are what they've been brought up hearing and just never had it questioned, so not thought about it critically for themselves. I'd challenge it by asking if he wouldn't want his child to have the security marriage provides, should they happen to end up with a same sex partner.

I'm another who can't believe people get engaged quicker than it takes to find out their views on the rights of others (ie. Any group they don't belong to). I've usually at least said something that someone with strong opposing views would have to respond to by the end of a second date! Not to argue, just to know there's no point in a third.

2mummies1baby · 21/12/2023 13:51

RocketIceLollie · 21/12/2023 13:38

Everyone is entitled to have their own opinions on any given topic. Your opinion on any given topic is no more right or wrong than his. As long as neither of you proactively express your opinions to the extreme expecting everyone to dance with you in an echo chamber. If so then your differing values are probably going to clash when raising your children or out in public.

Edited

What if his opinion was that inter-racial marriage was wrong? Would he still be entitled to his opinion then? Would her opinion still be no more right or wrong than his?

3milyJ · 21/12/2023 13:52

The homophobes gambit is always "I don't have a problem with gay people but they shouldn't be allowed to do X that straight people can and have done for generations". Perhaps he'll grow up eventually.

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